Speak to me after your period’s come

[Crunchycrabclaws]

DH and I have been going to couples therapy for 8 months.
There have been some good bits of progress with our communication but still we can default to our unpleasant arguing style, despite being taught new methods.

Our usual argument is me telling him I feel as though I’m doing everything housework wise (because I am) and him denying this.
He literally gaslights me saying that he does make the beds, clean the bathroom and organise/ tidy our DD’s toys and clothes. He doesn’t. I do.

Tonight I said calmly that I felt frustrated that he always just dumps all of the mess on the spare bed and this makes me feel as though he values his time more than mine. He just responded by telling me that it was all my stuff I told him it wasn’t, it was our daughter’s bits and bobs she uses for doing art, he just said yeah so it’s not mine then.

He then accused me of ‘ranting’ at him and told me to tell him when I get my period and then we could talk.

I hate that he lies and says he does make beds etc when he actually really never does. When I tell him his lies frustrate me and make me feel disrespected, he didn’t give a shit.

I feel so cross with him.

If you're not going to leave, then:

1. Employ a cleaner
2. Drastically lower your standards; a bit of grime or dust isn't fatal
3. Dump all his crap on his side of the bed

When I tell him his lies frustrate me and make me feel disrespected, he didn’t give a shit.

Just responding to your original words.

Live like this, it isn't my life. It's not the life I would put up with for my children either, male or female.

But this is what you are doing. To your daughter not just yourself.

Tbf OP you gave us that snapshot, it didn't seem like a very nice situation and people responded, that's what happens her on MN. I mean what did you want people to say, 'he doesn't sound bad at all, try harder to make it work will you'

And to state that women who want to leave their partners/husbands are somehow privileged or in a fantasy world is disingenuous and quite frankly nasty. Plenty of women walk away from abusive, toxic or just plain wrong marriages all the time, sometimes with just the bare minimum, and make it work. No one has to stay where they don't want and quite rightly no one should

Look up “quiet quitting” by Zawn Villines on her Liberating Motherhood substack. Her advice is amazing and I wish I’d found it when I was living through it too. Lots of women are in your situation and aren’t in a position to leave. This is a way to make it more bearable while you’re stuck.

TBF Tillybud81 if I had said that in those words without caveat, I agree it would have been nasty but as it happens you have selected part of my sentence in order to call me nasty so I can’t do much about your understanding if you take my words out of context in order to signal what a kind person you are.
I find the tone of your post very condescending and holier than thou.

Yes, some people leave bad relationships and make it work. I want more for my daughter than what that would mean for us uniquely and if anything, that makes me a selfless mother. But go ahead with your I am nasty narrative if that sits more comfortably with your internalised misogyny.

Thank you!

Have you checked what you would be entitled to if you left him? What if any UC you would receive. What child maintenance you would get on his current income? What support you'd have. I think you might be surprised. Don't get me wrong your not going to be splashing the cash but it might not be as terrible as you think.

Realistically, I don't think he'll change. If 8 months of counselling hasn't done it I don't imagine anything will.

He sounds like a selfish person, who is lazy and does as little as possible. A minimum man. He does as little as possible while you kill yourself. Then if you challenge him then you've got PMT and are irrational. Which is totally dismissive and will shut the conversation down. He's gaslighting you as well as blowing smoke up your arse.

I know it's hard to leave. My H, when asked to help clean, told me I I want to clean all night that's my business and it's not his fault I have OCD. If I ask him to do anything it's an argument or I'm always in him and moaning. It to 4 months for the Christmas tree and decorations to be put in the loft. He peacock's, ruffles his feathers to show me he's boss, and only ever does things in his timeframe.

Ultimately, only you can decide how long you'll tolerate your life as it is. When the idea of leaving is less scary than the idea of staying. The unknown is bloody frightening.

some people leave bad relationships and make it work. I want more for my daughter than what that would mean for us uniquely and if anything, that makes me a selfless mother

I don't think it is selfless. You are modelling a pretty unrewarding life to your daughter and teaching her to expect bad treatment in relationships.

What is the 'more' you want for your daughter?

I don’t really understand what you want from this thread. Unless rowing with strangers is helpful to you in some way, perhaps hide it and go about your evening?

My ex was exactly like this.

It took me a long time to accept my relationship was abusive and even longer to leave him. He wasn't horrible all the time, sometimes he could be really loving and kind. But the bad was really bad.

In the end the gaslighting and invalidation and blame shifting and accusations that I was mentally ill or unstable any time I was anything other than a "happy, benign presence around the house, smiling and cleaning and cleaning and tidying and smiling" wore me down and I left him. I realised that he would never properly respect me or see/treat me as an equal. His love for me was conditional on me behaving like the idea of a wife he had in his mind. And when I didn't comply, I was an awful, mentally unstable, hysterical woman.

I was terrified of coping as a single parent too, especially financially. But it"s not that bad, honestly. Yes, there's financial uncertainty and yes it's hard to juggle everything on my own. And I still miss the 'nice' him. But the weight that's been lifted and the general feeling of peace in the house now he's gone make it worth it.