ExP made me take morning after pill

[hellmama]

I'm trying to process this and just need to get it out.

ExP and I have a child together. I'm a mug and we've split up/ been on and off many times. I've had to report him to police in the past for domestic abuse.

Towards the end of last year, there were a couple of times we had sex without protection and he finished inside me, knowing I'm not on any contraception (I was to be fair on me waiting on an appt for the coil at the time).

The first time he was at work the following day but told me I must go and get the morning after pill or we were done and he'd never see me or our child again. I went and got it and the pharmacist did take me in a private room and I did say I didn't really want to and that I had issues with my bf and he was insisting on it.

When he got home he made me take it in front of him and then grabbed me and forced my mouth open after to make sure I'd taken it.

The second time he made similar threats and came to the pharmacy with me, stood at the counter with me and didn't give me any chance to speak to the pharmacist alone. He then did the same afterwards and made me take it and checked my mouth.

I guess I'm lucky in ways I've realised how unhealthy the relationship, I'm lucky we did never have another child together.

I didn't necessarily hope to be pregnant at the time but taking the morning after pill just isn't something I've ever done and I wasn't sure if my own feelings about it. I really felt coerced into it.

I just needed to get it out and wondered if I'm wrong for feeling sad about it.

If you don't want to be pregnant I'd suggest stopping having unprotected sex with a shit man.

She isn’t anymore fgs

Look she was in an abusive relationship, you don’t make sensible choices in the midst of these kinds of relationships. They are hard to leave and the abuser makes sure that you are always on the back foot psychologically. You don’t come out of them cleanly either, it takes a lot of too-ing and fro-ing to fully break from an abusive relationship. If you are extremely lucky (and rare) they will fuck off by themselves but most women bounce back and forwards before finally being able to leave.

Please can everyone read @Doltontweedle
He wasn't my ex at the time, we were in a relationship.
He's my ex now and we aren't together anymore.

Jesus there are such dickish replies here I actually had to check if this was AIBU, and was going to suggest you post in Relationships Op, for some more understanding responses (thankfully there have been some).
You don’t need to apologise BTW @hellmama. He clearly was an abusive arsehole, and some posters clearly don’t understand the dynamics of controlling abusive relationships.
Very glad you are now free.

Well the right thing to do would have been for him to wear condoms. Ejaculating inside and then literally forcing the morning after pill down OPs throat sounds like a controlling game.

They’ve not been together for 6 months. I think it’s pretty clear from the posts tbh.

@Anon1274

I had been in a relationship with my (now ex) for years. We had split up a few times and got back together. We have a child together. He was abusive and I had reported him to the police at times, but got back with him. Not good I know but that's being in an abusive relationship for you. That's the history in a nutshell.

I don't think I was clear at in my OP that we were together at the time this happened. In a relationship. We now are not hence why I refer to him as ex in OP maybe that's why I've confused people.

We were together in a relationship in this time period and having sex regularly with condoms. The twice I am referring to is the two times in the space of a few months when he finished inside me without a condom, and then I felt forced to take the morning after pill in the way I've described in my OP.

I wasn't trying to drip feed.

You need to report this man to the police. Finishing inside you without contraception and your consent is a criminal offence. As is forcing you to take medication or putting his hands on you

@Babadook76 where have I said he did it infront of the pharmacist?

Once was at home after he came home from work.

The other occasion, where I said he came to the pharmacy and stood next to me so I couldn't speak to the pharmacist on my own- we were on holiday together with our child and he made me take it in the hotel room after.

@Babadook76 I wasn't "still sleeping with him", in the sense you are implying. This is so frustrating. He was my boyfriend at the time and we were in a relationship.

But equally you could have said not without a condom and you could have also said wait till I’ve had the coil fitted.
I don’t get why you would say you didn’t really want to take it given the circumstances. What’s the alternative risk getting pregnant?

He's horribly abusive and I hope you never speak to or see him again, and that he is punished for it.
But I can't understand why you're upset about taking the MAP. He absolutely shouldn't have forced you, but I can't fathom why you didn't want to take it anyway. Thank goodness you didn't end up with another child with that man! It's the wrong thing to focus on.

I would consider grabbing hold of you and physically forcing you to swallow the pill to be assault, surely? I can understand you feeling traumatized.

I would’ve thought it would be standard practice for the pharmacist to speak to you alone, I’ve had to get the MAP before and they took me in to a private room, it sounds like you were let down by the pharmacist.

I don’t think op is upset about taking the MAP, just more the way her boyfriend at the time was controlling and coercive about it.
now that she is out of the relationship she is reflecting back on his behaviour and trying to process it all.
sorry you went through this op. But glad you are out of it x

Hi OP, well done for leaving that relationship, I know it must have been incredibly difficult. Don’t worry I understand your posts. Ignore the judgemental responses. Clearly no idea how abusive control works.

Him forcing you to take the MAP in the way he did is his exerting control. It’s completely understandable that you feel badly about it because of course it triggers strong feelings and responses due to trauma. The MAP itself isn’t really the issue; it’s the association with being abused and controlled. Being told what to do, being physically manhandled, being forced to do something and not having control over your body (regardless of the outcome) is naturally upsetting and more so if your brain is wired into fight or flight due to a pattern of abuse. Was the control over medication/ putting stuff into your body a new form of control? If so, that would be particularly jarring.

I may be wrong but you seem conflicted about this because deep down, maybe subconsciously, you know this was the right outcome in the end but overwhelmingly you feel negatively about it due to the above reasons. I think you’d really benefit from counselling so that you can talk through all your feelings and begin healing from this negativity and gain some peace and clarity. 💐

Block him and go cold turkey.

Call women's aid. They will understand and can help.

Get therapy. You are aware that he's a wrong 'un, but are still caught up in destructive relationship dynamics. This is NOT your fault and there is NOTHING wrong with you. You head is currently in a shed.

Whatever you decide to do, don't beat yourself up.💐

Yes, exactly.
Once again for those struggling with the concept of bodily autonomy and consent:
The decision to take medication of any kind is up to the person taking it.
Consent should be given freely and not coerced.
What is described here is coercion and assault.
It is irrelevant what anyone thinks about whether the OP should have had sex with this man or not. It is irrelevant whether anyone else thinks she should have taken the MAP or not. The point is that having had unprotected sex (and I question whether this was fully consensual in the context of an abusive relationship, but that is not the point here either), the decision whether to take the MAP is the OP’s and the OP’s alone. It is her decision to make in her own peace and quiet and be able to reflect on. It does not matter what anyone else thinks here. It certainly should not be something which is forced to the point of accompanying her to the pharmacist and opening her mouth to see if she has taken it.

It would not have been better if her ex had wheedled and whined at her to take it, or spent hours with rational arguments to persuade her of his view, to be honest. It was not just his manner which was wrong, although it was seriously wrong, it is the fact that taking the MAP and indeed any medication is a matter between the OP and her healthcare provider and them alone. It is that simple.

It’s ok that you didn’t want to take it, and didn’t necessarily want to be pregnant. He sounds like a really controlling person, perhaps you’d become used to him controlling lots of aspects of your life. But bodily autonomy is so important to most women and perhaps the feeling of him removing that from you was why you didn’t want to take the MAP. You’ve done the right thing by ending it with him, he sounds very unpleasant.