Kids hate spending time with me

[Tragicmum]

Please be kind! I’m exceptionally vulnerable and insecure about this.

Im really sad and basically depressed about this but my kids (3,6) hate spending time with me.

Every time I try to take them out they are miseries and whinge and complain to the point that I just bring them home. I try to take them to lovely outings, playgrounds, shows, zoos, yesterday I planned a whole day out with them. They chose the activities - science museum, lunch and playground. They were so excited when I put them to bed.
we didn’t even make lunch and left the museum early.

they didn’t stop whinging from the moment we left the house! And they weren’t hungry or tired.

my husband has them today and it’s all smiles laughter and happiness- best day out ever. I don’t understand. He does nothing g different - I have asked and checked. He doesn’t get it.

i sort out everything for them and the go to/default parent at home. Homework. Play dates, dinner, uniform, clothes etc…,, you name it I sort it! It’s mummy they want to read to them before bed, it’s mummy who they come to when things go wrong. And I know they love me - all the midnight cuddles are mine.

but days out with mummy are never fun or good and always end badly and this has been going on for years!
as babies they both screamed at me when I took them to classes - I have left so many groups crying because of it.

im so so so as about this and after years of this im ready to accept that im just the person who sorts everything and I’ll have to watch the fun from the sidelines.

has anyone else had this?
what am i doing wrong?
what can I do about this?

im beyond sad and depressed about this and i feel like such a failure as a mum.

all I want are some happy memories of being with my kids and all I have is years of traumatic experiences of my kids basically protesting being out with me.

Oh this sounds so hard.

Are you overly critical of them?
Is your DH a Disney dad. Where they can get away with whatever they want?

They probably still have fun, even though they look miserable and will look back and have happy memories.

There's a biological element to this. Studies have been conducted which show two things:

1. When a child plays with dad, both child and dad get a peak in oxytocin from playing together. This doesn't happen for either party when a child plays with mum.
2. When a child seeks comfort from mum, both child and mum get a peak in oxytocin from the interaction. This doesn't happen for either party when a child is comforted by dad.

I think this is just the burden of ebony the default parent. They see you as comfort, as reliability but also a potentially the person who makes them do their teeth and pack their bags and put their shoes on. You have to deal with all the things that little kids say "no" to. You're not good-time parent, you're responsible parent who makes the non-negotiable and non-fun things happen because they just have to and it spills over onto other parts of life.

I'm the same. I had a whole day with DD yesterday and she was a terror the whole time. This never happens with dad. But dad is guaranteed fun and never makes her brush her teeth or get dressed, so dad gets to stay just fun dad.

You'll be the one they come to when they need something sorting out or when they need comfort. It's really sad but there are up sides to it.

*being! Not ebony

Are you fun?
Is spending time with you on days out actually an enjoyable experience for them or are you self conscious and worried about what other people think so it's a negative day constantly being told to stop doing things?

Children whine and whine, big days out never live up to expectations because you can't factoring things like quing or delayed transport etc.

What are they complaining about, is actually about that or is it really about something else? Can you be more laid back and relaxed with them. It's your job to make things interesting and guide conversations, redirect them to different activities etc, if bored standing in a cue and they become listless play a game with them.

That's super interesting and would explain why the problem exists.

To do to fix it? I suggest having family days out and enjoying the day together?

They both want your attention. They compete with each other for your time. While dad is important his attention at this age doesn’t hold the value yours does.

You probably can’t see this but it’s actually evidence they adore you and want more of you, just to themselves.

An interesting experiment would be to take just one child out for the day and see what happens.

It’s probably just good old sibling rivalry. They want you just for themselves. An age gap of 2 years is a classic age gap for maximum bickering. There isn’t enough of an age gap for them not to compete with each other, they overlap in their needs for your time and attention developmentally.

Nothing you can do about it but just to be aware it’s very very normal. It’s got nothing to do with you. They’re just normal kids!

They might need a bit more one to one time with you each day. Not as a pair.

i try to spend half an hour every day chatting to mine one to one, but even as little ones, tried to do the same, with activities. One to one time helps them self regulate.

And don’t ramp up days out. Maybe just announce it on the morning. lower expectations all round. Getting to lunch is a reward for all of you, if you can get there.

Tell them beforehand that you’ll go home early and no lunch out if too much whining. Set expectations of behaviour and consequences early and remind frequently if the moaning starts up.

to be fair they’re very little. Don’t think my 3 year old would have lasted long at science museum at that age. Though there is a nice room. Try when 5 and 7. Probably a marked difference!

@WYorkshireRose Can you put the references you are using to make this statement? It sounds like a massive generalisation.

What happens if you take one out at a time? (I know it's not convenient often).

What if you took them somewhere where you can't really whine, like an amateur dramatic musical locally?

It sounds very wearing. Mine used to bicker and just poke and MESS with things constantly!

Just remember you are their safety net, they feel 100% comfortable expressing how they feel with you. At 3 and 6 sometimes less is more, picnic in the garden and playing on the floor with them over museums and lunch out. They sound like typical 3 & 6 year olds to me and as their mum they feel so at one with you they don’t have to hide their emotions take that as a massive positive ❤️ sounds like you’re an amazing mum x

Never heard of this ....
Lucky mine enjoyed days out regardless of parent and was comforted by both.
Op do you enjoy the days out?
Or are you nervous about it going wrong ?
The kids will pick up on this.
I'd just ignore their whining and. Cracking on with the fun.
My two would sometimes bicker , but stopped once no notice was taken.

It's hard to offer advice because we can't see the dynamic at play.

What are they moaning about? How are you responding to this? Are you getting stressed or annoyed very quickly or are you making light and geeing them along?

Also what do they do when they get home? Do they go on screens?

I think you are being very harsh and critical of yourself here- I do this too, so I say this with kindness!

You are taking a situation and then deducing some global principle- my kids hate spending time with me, for which there's no evidence.

Perhaps you are the everyday parent, perhaps they find doing lots of things where they have to be 'good' difficult (a 3 year old in a museum! that's going to be hard for any parent), lunch sitting down, why would you pick difficult things to do and then blame yourself.

I'm betting your husband didn't take them to a museum and then lunch, he probably took them to a local playpark or the beach, let them tire themselves running about and then ignored the bickering.

You have high expectations of yourself, and high expectations of a 3 and a 6 year old and then you beat yourself up- so stop that, they were being 3 and 6 and they do like and love you.

If you don't enjoy days out, then let dad do those. I realised very early on I love days in with my kids, I'm a home-oriented type of a person, and I love a pottering type of a day, perhaps cooking, but just TV, reading, drawing, in the garden, that's perfect for them and me. I used to let my husband take them to the local funfair and go on the rides. It wasn't for me and that's ok, They don't just love hi or only remember the funfair, they also remember silly things we did at home, TV shows we shared, something trivial.

Stop this negative self-talk and set low goals for parenting like- are they safe, fed, watered and somewhat entertained and go from there. Mums who are there in the scary night are just as remembered as dads who go to water parks. Let him have his things he's good at and you can have yours.

Plus- I would separate a 3 and a 6 year old occasionally, one take one, one stay home with the other, get some one on one time with each and you'll find you can be more responsive when you are out and have more fun.

There are lots of links to scientific studies if you Google, but this NCT article provides an accessible summary:

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/bonding-and-caring-for-your-baby/science-behind-dads

Mums are boring, they cook, clean, wash up and generally keep said children alive... to them we are boring.

Dads are fun, exciting and give more leeway than mum.

Make it make sense! 🤷‍♀️

I guess just because they moan and whine with you doesn't mean they hate spending time with you.

Little children do whine and moan - part of the frustration of being so small, not being in control of anything, people not understanding what you want, and getting overwhelmed and tired and hungry so easily.

With small children it is at best going to be a mix of some fun times mixed in with less fun moany irritating times!

Although they don't show it, they will be taking in your care and your attention and your spending time with them. It won't be in vain, it will be making up their experience of the world - that their mummy is prepared to spend time with them no matter how moany and difficult they are. That will bear a lot of good fruit in later years.

Maybe you're stressed on days out as you have to do all the planing.

Idea - you get up and go to yoga first thing and your dh can do the morning slog, you meet them all at the museum or park at 10.30 all refreshed and have a nice play and lunch with them (that your DH has packed in a picnic basket for you all, or in a cafe that he's researched chosen and booked)

Show him this message and see how he reacts

Mine are a bit older now but still see me as ‘provider’ and dad as ‘fun’. It’s just the way it is. They can be having a great time, messing around, having a day out. I turn up to join in…’I’m hungry’ is generally the first thing I get. We laugh about it now. They just instantly think of their needs when they see me.

Really surprised at the number of people questioning the oxytocin studies. I thought it was really well known.

Forget the big days out. Take them to the local playground and let them run around and get tired. Buy them an ice cream and then bring them back home. Museums can only be fun for a short while at that age and sit down lunches are for adults not for kids. My kids have a different relationship with their dad than they do to me but it's just the way it goes it's normal. Don't try and be super fun mum just be normal mum and stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

I think it sounds like you could be giving in to them; dancing too much to their beat and they know if they whinge they get to go home. It's a day out for you too. Be a bit selfish and gee them along.

What do they do at home? I get the impression you wouldn't let your kids have lots of screen time, but if that's the activity, or something else they really love, perhaps they'd rather be doing that.

I agree with the statements about keeping the days out simpler. Perhaps because you've put in loads of effort you are getting stressed about it not working out well and it's spoiling the vibe.

I would love to learn more about this - do you have any reading/articles or anything you could recommend? Thanks in advance.

By the way, I'd suggest keeping it simple too, don't overplan/over stretch, just plain and simple. Lower stakes all round.

@PandaOrLion Me too! I’ve heard of it many times.