Kids hate spending time with me

[Tragicmum]

Please be kind! I’m exceptionally vulnerable and insecure about this.

Im really sad and basically depressed about this but my kids (3,6) hate spending time with me.

Every time I try to take them out they are miseries and whinge and complain to the point that I just bring them home. I try to take them to lovely outings, playgrounds, shows, zoos, yesterday I planned a whole day out with them. They chose the activities - science museum, lunch and playground. They were so excited when I put them to bed.
we didn’t even make lunch and left the museum early.

they didn’t stop whinging from the moment we left the house! And they weren’t hungry or tired.

my husband has them today and it’s all smiles laughter and happiness- best day out ever. I don’t understand. He does nothing g different - I have asked and checked. He doesn’t get it.

i sort out everything for them and the go to/default parent at home. Homework. Play dates, dinner, uniform, clothes etc…,, you name it I sort it! It’s mummy they want to read to them before bed, it’s mummy who they come to when things go wrong. And I know they love me - all the midnight cuddles are mine.

but days out with mummy are never fun or good and always end badly and this has been going on for years!
as babies they both screamed at me when I took them to classes - I have left so many groups crying because of it.

im so so so as about this and after years of this im ready to accept that im just the person who sorts everything and I’ll have to watch the fun from the sidelines.

has anyone else had this?
what am i doing wrong?
what can I do about this?

im beyond sad and depressed about this and i feel like such a failure as a mum.

all I want are some happy memories of being with my kids and all I have is years of traumatic experiences of my kids basically protesting being out with me.

This is all about your expectations OP. Kids can be a pain in the ass on days out because of loads of reasons. Just because we think our kids will love something, we pour all our effort into it to find they don't like it. We get annoyed cause it's been so much effort but they never asked for any of it! What's your husband doing activity wise?

Lower your expectations and relax. When you chill out, life will get easier. So many posts and irl comments I've heard about teen nightmare holidays this year. Most teens said they didn't want to go but parents fuming when they mope about miserable in 'paradose'. It's not paradise to them, they didn't want to go. I kept mine home this year and feel smug I never wasted my cash.

Kids pick up on stress and you will be letting your stress out, even if you think you are good at hiding it kids sense it all. They will know that every time they go out with mum, mum takes us home early..or mum gets fed up with us moaning, or whatever is is so they will be reacting to that. You are feeling awful about it all and putting so much pressure on every day out now, it's all just too much. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to pair it back, really right back so no-one knows it's a day out, no expectations. Take one and leave one with dad. Go for an hour and make it all seem very casual.. Like okay need to go to the shops then say, what do you fancy doing... How's about?? Go do that for an hour, make it fun and leave when they are really enjoying it rather than waiting till they get tired. Have small successes on a regular basis. You will break the spell.

They don't hate spending time with you, you are all just stressing and the pressure on the day out is just unbearable for everyone. Remove the pressure. This is honestly an easy fix. By Christmas you will be having great days out.

I completely understand your distress and I think it’s important that you search for professionals who can help your relationship with your children. There are parenting courses and programmes that can assist so I suggest that you do an internet search and ask your GP for help. Look for child and family psychologists and perhaps local family centres. This is really important for you and for your children. Also, though I’ve never read it, you might find that Philippa Perry’s “The Book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did” is helpful. I know some people will say that it’s normal and not to worry but, though worrying won’t help, it’s important to you and you’ve identified something that needs to be addressed. Good wishes xx

I remember when my kids were very small I took em to the zoo often and lol one day I went to the train station to take the bus to the zoo and they both started to cry and wanted to go home. It was just too much. What they always loved was walk to the kids farm with playground, feed the goats and play in the playhouse there or watch the baby rabbits or go to the playground 20 meter away. Not too complicated things and eat an icecream and then fall asleep in the double buggy. They were always in that buggy and when I had 3, 2 in the buggy and 1 standing on it or on a tiny bike I held with a pole attached, because they hated walking. If we walked 20 meter all 3 would go whine: leg pain! Leg pain! Carry me! LOL
Sounds best to just go out with the whole family, dad too, to a zoo or something like that.

I'm sorry, that sounds horrible for you. The only thing I can think of is are you an anxious planner? Do you get stressed out quite easily when out and about/in an unfamiliar place? If so they may be picking up on that?

My DD has always been Daddies girl. She placed him on that pedestal and wanted him to think she was the best daughter ever.
It changed since being about 12ish, she comes to me for the important things. There's an element of, don't tell Dad (because he may not view me as perfect) but she tells me everything.
When our DD was your children's age, I had the biggest bottom, was the worst parent, wasn't fun....because I had to set the boundaries etc. But it's important to know that you are a good parent. They aren't trying to impress you as much as they know you truly love them.
Don't be so accessible and they may suddenly feel a bit unloved and come running.

I can relate to how you feel because sometimes I feel the same about my children!

I work term time so I'm off more in the holidays; I'm wondering if the kids are more used to me so find things with me a bit dull, whereas when dad is off it's more of a novelty so more fun?

Also, how do you know it's been all 'smiles and laughter' with dad? Today we all went to a kids theme park; if you'd asked my kids at bedtime if they'd had a good day they'd have said yes.. but if you'd asked at various points during the day (when we said no to gift shop toys for example) they'd have said it was 'the worst day ever' (we get that phrase a lot!). So I wouldn't trust that a day with their dad has been perfect.

We also seem to have endless bickering, tantrums over minor things and what feels like constant whining which makes you wonder why we bother! But in the end the kids do only seem to remember the good parts, even if we remember the not so good parts!

Your children are only 3 and 6! A full day out with multiple activities is far too ambitious in my opinion, it's too much for them. It's also a lot of pressure on everyone to enjoy every minute and have fun. Try some shorter activities, a trip to the playground one day, picnic another day, afternoon trip to the museum another. You don't have to cram their days full of activities. Spending time pottering in the garden with a sandpit or a paddling pool/watering can is just as important. Take the pressure off yourself to be making sure they have fun all the time. Ignore as much whingeing as you can ("Oh dear, I can't hear what it is you want if you whinge") or distract with a breezy and cheerful 'let's go and do ...' or 'look at that funny dog/bird/car'! Try not to get yourself worked up and anxious when you're out with them, they will pick up on it if you're tense. And remember, Daddy is a novelty if they usually spend more time with you which is probably why they're better behaved for him! It's you they want for love and cuddles, enjoy those moments with them, reading stories and bedtime cuddles are more important that days out.

I can relate to this so much, I'm a SAHM with anxiety and I must be the dullest mum ever. I don't love and get excited about playing with my children (esp when the 4 year doesn't actually let you play) but I do get joy from reading to them, making up songs, dancing, making up silly words, answering questions, learning, cuddling etc and we do play sometimes but I really encourage independent play generally otherwise I would go mental. Anyway, we were at the playground as a family and I sat next to her and she said "no I want to sit next to Dad, he's my favourite". She got told we don't have favourites but it broke my heart inside and I did cry on the way home. In that moment to her (and likely all other moments) he was the one who was the funnest parent and she wanted to play with him. I don't blame her for thinking that, Dad is way more "fun" in terms of play but it still hurt when she put it so bluntly.

Thankfully I knew about the studies mentioned above and I remind myself of that fact when needed. I would stick to days out as a family or simple playground etc when you have them alone! We go to a local farm, playground, to the shops, play dates etc.

What consequences do they get for behaving so badly?

Has anyone ever commented on your parenting?

Could you link to that study? I'm interested.

I can actually vouch for this! I'm a psychologist and this is an actual thing.

Please, please, please, don't think you're doing anything wrong. I work with a lot of mums with post-partum depression and overwhelmed parents.

The oxytocin fact is true. Mum gives off warm and safe vibes, dad gives off playful and cheerful vibes.
Another fact which is true, is that children whine and moan 8 times more to their mother than to anyone else in their life. It's because you're safe. It's because you're the person they feel most comfortable with, and who is most likely to accept them unconditionally, even when they're not fun.

It's frustrating and I absolutely understand. But you're not boring or overly critical or any of those other things. Your kids just feel safe with you. And as hard as it is, that's a good thing.

When I work with mums like you, I do like to investigate how you handle the whinging. My kids are similar ages - 3 and 5 - and I notice for example that dads/men are often better at ignoring it, also they don't feel the same urge to fix every negative emotion their children have, and when they do respond it's usually more focussed on problem-solving.
I have children who can complain all day long as well. What I do is say things like:

• okay, you've just told me your problem. What have you done to resolve this problem? --> Brings the responsability for problem-solving back to them
• You've only complained now. Can you tell me what exactly you expect me to do to help you? --> Again, makes it their job to express what they need from you, not your job to endlessly find solutions
• Is this really how you're making most of a lovely day? Do you think this behaviour is helpful? --> Makes them think about their own impact on how the day's going.

The idea is that I keep bringing the (age appropriate) responsability back to them, and encourage them to look at what their feelings are, what their needs are, and to communicate this in a socially acceptable way.
Some children need more time to learn these skills than others. I know it's exhausting, but hang in there. And don't stop trying to enjoy your children!

Only that's not how biology works because we are not born with such specifi, automatic responses.
It's more likely that children enjoy playing more with parent they spend less time with (often dad ) and are easier comforted by parent who does more comforting on daily basis (usually mum).

It has to be a biological response! People may disagree as to the cause of this response, but it seems that it does actually happen.