What do women want men to know about being in a marriage? [This concerns marital relationships only.]

[PeerKristijan]

I grew up attending an all-male school and today, my social circle does not feature women. So, in a sense, I don't really know how women think or feel. So, anything marriage-related, whether it be finding a mate, dating, proposing, marital dynamics, finances, long term planning, commitment, work-life balance, or anything else, that women think men could better take female perspectives into account, you can present your thoughts and ideas on what to keep in mind. Cheers.

I'm in my 40s and the landscape is changing dramatically for the younger generation on this one it now seems.

Part of me thinks what you must first do is determine what is important to you and what your values are?

For example, do I like the idea of marrying and having kids with a wife who has more traditional values and wants to stay at home? If that's what I'm looking for, then I need to look at that dynamic and see if it may be achievable.

Look at yourself, look at what you want then see how you can build on YOUR strengths to maximise the opportunities to attract and make a life with the lady who meets those values on some level.

From my experience, many women do struggle immensely with the expectations we feel we have upon us to do the majority of the work. So full time job plus the majority of the domestic load then all the child care duties on top. I believe women are really struggling with this.

Just figure out who you are, what is important to you and then you seek out those who fit this. Just cast your net wide, don't over commit, date lots of women if you can,don't sleep with them. Just suss them out and learn what works for you. As much as there are unsavoury men out there, there are also some brutal women. Just test the waters.

Not sure how old you are but I would highly recommend expanding your social circle to include some women. You write as if women are some strange, mythical other to whom you have no idea how to relate. We’re not - we’re humans, just like men. Also, we’re not a homogeneous mass who all think the same way about everything. Different women want different things from life and from their long-term relationships.

Your poll suggests that all men are the same but they’re not. Some men are very in tune with what it takes to have a good relationship. Some men make awful relationship partners. Some men fall somewhere in between. So there is no single answer to your poll.

You will be a better partner to any woman if you’re able to relate to women as equals and also if you’re able to relate to women socially and in the workplace in a normal day to day way, just like you would relate to a man.

Women are people who feel the full range of human emotions and have the same human instinctive needs as a man.
Personal qualities vary as is the case with all people.
Be a team player, marry someone you love, give respect to each other. Listen to each other and pull your weight together and you can't go far wrong.
Remember that another person will be different so will have different strengths, both play to your strengths - different is not worse. You will both need support at different times and for different reasons and that's ok.
Women aren't a weird different species.

Didn't answer your poll for same reasons@Dery said. It's nonsense

Don't you just want to meet a women who is a person on your wave length?
Humour
Lifestyle preferences
Personal priorities
Intellect

Find a woman you gel with on the big things and just enjoy each others company. 🤷🏾

I'd agree that getting to know more women would help, plus working out who you are, what you want from life and why. I had a marriage fail because I shouldn't have married him in the first place - I had been taught by my upbringing that if I wanted it, I probably shouldn't have it. Actually my wishes were perfectly legitimate, but they were different from his. Work out what you want YOUR life to look like.

Be careful about getting ideas about women from films and books, as well- talk to women instead. But sometimes reading books or seeing films beloved by women you get to know can throw light on their likes and dislikes, though rarely directly. I love Persuasion, for example, but don't spend any time advising my friends to read less poetry, nor have I remained faithful to one man for decades. I do like the importance of sisters in the book though, and my sister is incredibly important to me.

Also, just be sure you know your own sexuality. Maybe this is more common in women, but I finally worked out I am bisexual this year. Could it be that you are closer to men sexually than you think?

You sound very young OP. Why not spend some time with women? Join a mixed sex club or class. Broaden your social circle. Find someone you can't imagine being without.

But basically women expect to be treated with the same courtesy and consideration as you do.

Most successful marriages are based on that, plus a team approach to work, play, decision making, finances etc. You become a committee of two that makes decisions and choices together. And you share whatever needs dealing with, from cleaning loos to buying cars.

This. And women aren't a hive mind either. They won't all want exactly the same things out of a marriage. I'd say the top thing is to treat a woman as your equal. Not because you know you're supposed to, but because she actually is. Lots of men are happy to superficially treat women as though they're equal in the early stages of a relationship, but deep down (maybe even subconsciously) think that children and housework are supposed to be a woman’s job really.

I'm getting Life of Brian vibes: We're all individuals. I'm not.

If you see women as an unknowable, homogenous mass, you're wrong.

Your question of 'women tell me what you think and feel' is such an odd one, as though we're all just paper cut outs!

There are right wing women and left wing women.
There are women who love grooming and have a strong sense of personal style and women who are happy to chuck on any old thing and run a brush through their hair and head out.
Women who laugh at farts, women who don't.
Women who love reading and women who don't.
Women who are happy to tackle the DIY and those who hate it.
Good dancers, crap dancers.
Sport loving, sport hating, ambivalent about sport...
Home bodies, itchy feet
Love Monty python, hate Monty python.
Fancy bald men, don't fancy bald men...

I could go on and list everything that exists in the world - ideas, activities, food, humour... But I won't.

You are a loooong way behind the curve if you haven't realised this.
The only thing one woman is guaranteed to have in common with another are all the things they will also share with men which is that we are human and our needs are as described in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

What you need to do if you are really as remote to this concept as your question suggests it's to stay away from any ideologies which promote any ideas that start with lots of sentences like 'women are...'

I don't really know how women think or feel.

Interesting. So you have lived all your life in a silo with no female relatives. Is it very difficult to imagine that women are human beings and therefore feel a range of different things pertaining to upbringing, culture and experience?

You can't assume all 3bn women want the same things when it comes to marriage or relationships. You have to judge each person individually and take it from there.

I suggest you start dating, perhaps join a club or activity or join a dating app and meet some women and take it from there.

Sounds trite but there's no I in team. That's what a marriage - or even a co-habiting relationship - is all about. You need to work together, be kind, considerate and sharing (also known as pulling your weight) in everything. Compromise is also important.

Works both ways...and leave some space to laugh

Women who want a husband should be treated as a fully autonomous person whose opinions and needs are the same value as the husband’s.

I say ‘should’ because many women have been socialised to put men first and may not even notice they do it. So they need a man who will do that even when not asked to. Look after her because she won’t necessarily look after herself.

Women who want a husband want him to care about his wife’s opinions, feelings and interests.

You shouldn’t try and transform yourself into ‘the mind of man women want’. You should try and be a decent human and treat other humans with decency. It’s a safer strategy than pretending to care about a woman when what you actually want is to keep her compliant at home.

Agree with most of the comments, women like men are all individual and have different personalities etc and it sound like you would benefit from socialising with women a bit more.

However in terms of marriage itself I would say it take both partners to row the boat, meaning there needs to be equal levels of effort and consideration (not meaning all tasks etc need to be divided absolutely equally as each relationship has different dynamics).

Aside from that, knowing how to resolve differences of opinions well and good communication is key.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose has nailed it. This with bells on:

“CleopatrasBeautifulNose · Today 08:15
Your question of 'women tell me what you think and feel' is such an odd one, as though we're all just paper cut outs!

There are right wing women and left wing women.
There are women who love grooming and have a strong sense of personal style and women who are happy to chuck on any old thing and run a brush through their hair and head out.
Women who laugh at farts, women who don't.
Women who love reading and women who don't.
Women who are happy to tackle the DIY and those who hate it.
Good dancers, crap dancers.
Sport loving, sport hating, ambivalent about sport...
Home bodies, itchy feet
Love Monty python, hate Monty python.
Fancy bald men, don't fancy bald men...

I could go on and list everything that exists in the world - ideas, activities, food, humour... But I won't.

You are a loooong way behind the curve if you haven't realised this.
The only thing one woman is guaranteed to have in common with another are all the things they will also share with men which is that we are human and our needs are as described in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

What you need to do if you are really as remote to this concept as your question suggests it's to stay away from any ideologies which promote any ideas that start with lots of sentences like 'women are...'”

You need to fix the fact that you don’t know any women socially. That is a problem. That is also the reason why you seem to think women are on big homogeneous mass who all think the same way and want the same things. As @CleopatrasBeautifulNose puts it, above all we’re people, just like men are people, and the same/very similar to men in a great many ways.

That said, it is great that you’re aware of your lack of knowledge and came on to Mumsnet to ask your questions. That’s a good start.

I agree with Dery too. I couldn't answer your question because the answer is that men are not a homogenous group and neither are women.

My partner is perfect in/for a relationship with me but that doesn't mean he would be for other women.

Women don't all want the same things.

Interesting. So you have lived all your life in a silo with no female relatives. Is it very difficult to imagine that women are human beings and therefore feel a range of different things pertaining to upbringing, culture and experience?

I have met met men in their 50s who've grown up surrounded by (because we are everywhere) but not interacting with women who have asked similar questions and tried to mansplainng women to me despite not having a clue or who have simply asked me what women want.

OP, I will tell you what I told one male acquaintance of mine because I do think that men who don't socialise with women and who have learnt everything they think they know about women from dating advice on the internet, films and tv etc can genuinely struggle with this. There are also many women who post on here asking the same about men.

Women are not a conundrum to be solved nor a game to play there is no magic combination of words that will unlock the secret of all women. There are no words of wisdom that some men have been gifted and others denied.

What do you want from a relationship? Friendship? Companionship? Fun? Laughter? Loyalty? Someone you can be yourself around? Someone who likes and loves you for who you are without trying to 'improve' you? Respect? A mutually fulfilling sex life? Someoke who is independent and self sufficient? Emotionally available? Because those are the things women want too. They might look diffeent to different women in the same way that they might look different to different men.

Go to places where women are. Talk to them. Don't chat them up or flirt with them. Just talk to them. Make friendships with women without hoping it'll go further. You need female friends.

No women like when men ask questions and then don't come back to the thread. Not one single woman likes that.

Generalising is great.

So, in a sense, I don't really know how women think or feel. So, anything marriage-related, whether it be finding a mate, dating, proposing, marital dynamics, finances, long term planning, commitment, work-life balance, or anything else,

These are things you will need to discuss with individual women ypu meet and Starr a relationship with because there isn't a one size fits all answer I'm afraid.

Well said @GreyCarpet .
There's nothing about your situation can't be improved by getting to know the women you meet. Be curious about who they are.

@MrsTerryPratchett 😁🤣🤣

Must stop fecking about now and get to work.
Good luck.

I would suggest you read through the abuse threads in relationships and then don't do what the men on those threads do to the women and children. That would be a good place to start learning.

Op if you’re feeling sore about some of these responses then get over it - these represent the best of women - intelligent, funny, strong, insightful, straight talking and pragmatic.

If you don’t see this in real life that’s because women are largely socialised to appease men or they’re damaged from trauma largely caused by men. Don’t add to the patriarchal load. Just be a good person with integrity. That is all.

I'll simplify it for you, OP (because unlike CleopatrasBeautifulNose) I have nothing better to do right now! 😁

I'm 50 as is my friend.

She likes men who work out, who look good in a tight t shirt or a suit, very clean cut.

I like men who are a bit rougher around the edges and prefer a bit of a dad bod..

She doesn't care about intelligence. I do.

She cares about income. I don't.

She cares what car they drive. I don't.

She wants a man who will whisk her off her feet and take her away to nice hotels.

I want a man who will cook on an open fire while we're camping. That would be her idea of Hell! 😁

She used to be on Fabswingers and enjoyed meeting up with random men for casual sex.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

She likes spa days, drinking cocktails and bling. Lots of bling!

I'd rather sit in a field at a festival drinking real ale and hate bling.

I could go on and on. She's a great person and I love her. There is no judgement, only description in this. Neither of us is single and we are both very happy with our partners who couldn't be more different if they tried. Because we couldn't be more different if we tried!

But these things...

Friendship? Companionship? Fun? Laughter? Loyalty? Someone you can be yourself around? Someone who likes and loves you for who you are without trying to 'improve' you? Respect? A mutually fulfilling sex life? Someoke who is independent and self sufficient? Emotionally available?

We both have these things. They might look very different but they are there.

Treat women like people. It really is that simple. I'm going to assume you have friends, family, work colleagues that you have a good relationship with?

So do the same things - get to know them, have conversations about important things, ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. Understand that while you can feel annoyed, frustrated, unheard, tired, can't be bothered to do the house work etc - the same things apply. If you say you will do something, do it.
And don't wait to be asked, if you notice something needs doing in the house just get on with it.