What do women want men to know about being in a marriage? [This concerns marital relationships only.]

[PeerKristijan]

I grew up attending an all-male school and today, my social circle does not feature women. So, in a sense, I don't really know how women think or feel. So, anything marriage-related, whether it be finding a mate, dating, proposing, marital dynamics, finances, long term planning, commitment, work-life balance, or anything else, that women think men could better take female perspectives into account, you can present your thoughts and ideas on what to keep in mind. Cheers.

There's another active thread asking what men want in Relationships and, like this, it does my head in a bit.

Women are all different. Men are all different. There is no such thing as "what women want" and "what men want". The people who go wrong in relationships (or can't get into them to start with) are the people who are fixated on the idea that the opposite sex is one homogeneous mass.

Once you get past that and start treating women (or men) as just people, who you can talk to and bond with in the same ways as you can with your own sex, you'll be most of the way there.

And yes, make friends of the opposite sex. It'll be a good way to learn the above with actual evidence.

And listen to women when they tell you what they want. They're not speaking for "all women" but they are speaking for themselves and that's important in any relationship.

And listen to women when they tell you what they want. They're not speaking for "all women" but they are speaking for themselves and that's important in any relationship.

This reminds of a conversation my partner and I had with the acquaintance I mentioned in a previous post.

My partner had bought me bought me a scented candle because it smelt like wood smoke.

We bumped into this acquaintance in the pub and I mentioned this candle because it was such an unusual scent.

His response was directed to my partner and he asked, "Does that work then?"

Partner: "Work? Yeah, it's a candle. It burns and it smells.'

Acquaintance: "No, I mean giving a woman a candle. Does it really work? I read somewhere that women like candles."

P: "Well she liked it because it was wood smoke scented. But I only bought it because I thought she'd like it."

We walked away from the exchange with my partner still baffled by what he'd meant by 'work' 😁

We are just people, no mystery to it.

Unless you are a millionaire you will never marry.

Why would that be?

I better tell my (non millionaire) DH

Everyone else's answers are correct: there's no one size fits all answer to this, or even a 'most women like XYZ' answer. For example, in the scenarios you've given, my answers would vary enormously from my friends' or sister's and depend so much on a specific woman you're dating.

Meet women and make friends with them - learn to understand that they're not one 'type' of person, and let that really sink in. I imagine going to an all-boy's school does a number on the 'us and them' feeling, so spend some time undoing that and realising women are as different from each other as men are, and that the only way you'll learn the answers to these things are by speaking to individual women about their individual views on them.

How do you explain all the married men who aren't millionaires then? 🙄

To be fair, there are women who state that 'us girls' like x, y or z. And will tell you that a particular thing is something no woman will enjoy, or that every woman will want. There are also men who will state that 'women need to know' things about men which are invariably true. They're all wrong, but there are individuals who like to think that way. If you like putting people in sexist boxes, you might find that appealing. I hope not.

Spot the incel!

Yup. Don't treat us like NPCs!

Exactly this. Expand your social horizons, make female friends, and talk to them and listen to them.

Having been to an all-male school is no excuse. I was at an all-girls school from the age of 4 to 17. I only started making male friends at university. If there are literally no women in your circles (don't you have a mother, sisters, female cousins, aunts?), start a hobby that typically attracts a mixed-sex crowd.

Bluntly, you can't expect to go from your current position of total ignorance, and arriving on the internet expecting to be educated from scratch, straight to marriage, especially as women, while we exist in a wide range of personalities and experiences, typically aren't impressed by a man who appears to think we operate as a mysterious Borg Hive Mind.

How old are you? I can understand that if you're a teen at a single sex school, the opposite sex can feel like an alien species but as you get older and branch out, meet new people, it gets easier.

Also, are you ND?

We are all so different it's hard to answer.

Mainly it will be equality. Housework is not women's work it's both. Same for childcare. Sort your kids dentists appointment ls and be prepared to cover half the sick days etc.

Porn sex is not real sex.

Be honest about how much time your hobbies take up and if you are prepared to reduce the time spent on them after marriage and kids. Eg sports you play or watch. Evenings in the pub with your mates. Gym.

You need to know how you want finances to work before you love together and get married. Everything in one pot and you spend as needed? Contribute a % based on what each earns? What happens with maternity leave and money. Who pays for childcare.

Consider things like getting a new car for yourself. Does she get a say in that? Who chooses where you holiday and who will sort it all? It's fair to have one person responsible for different things but you both need to agree who's responsibility is what. Some of us love organising a holiday others hate it. Some would want a day in the car as it's such a large expense coming out the marital pot other will only care that it's affordable etc. Know where you stand before you are committed to each other so you don't trip over this stuff later.

Oh and parenting styles absolutely essential this is discussed. Diet. Screens. Cosleeping. Gental parenting. Hugely divisive stuff and often people don't talk about this stuff before procreation and find actually now they are not compatible and there is a child in the mix

What does that mean?

ND= Neurodivergent- autism, adhd, dyspraxia.

Of course we are all different, but there are some universal rules.

Here's a partial list;

Do your share of childcare and housework. 50/50 unless she is a SAHM, in which case you will do less. But you can't ever do none or very little.

Respect her and treat her as your equal and a true partner. Her opinions and preferences have equal weight.

Don't be a sex pest. Don't objectify her sexually and grope her as she goes about her daily routine. Don't demand degrading porn sex acts. She's not a blow-up doll. She wants emotional intimacy with sex, not to be treated like a prostitute.

Believe her when she tells you how she feels. Listen. Tell her how you feel. Don't clam up on her. She wants to have that connection.

Don't manipulate her or coerce her to do things in any way.

Don't ogle other women in front of her. In fact, don't ogle at all. It's gross. You can certainly look, but not in a leering perverted way.

I've never been diagnosed, no. However, people throughout my life have suspected that I may be one.

With that in mind, then, I’d say pay attention to her. DH was delightful when we met, but once we married I moved to the ‘achieved’ section of his tick list and it was a rather lonely place. He hadn’t grasped the idea of maintenance.

@PeerKristijan the more I thought about this post, the more it makes sense that you might be Autistic. My son is.

I always notice my son seems to get on really well with other people who are ADHD or Autistic. It seems that life is just so much easier being with people who have a higher chance of getting you. Although of course everyone is different aren't they.

I also know it can feel very patronising to some people to be told ' oh you're Autistic '. I think it might be great for you to explore and consider this possibility. If you really feel you are then you are - even without a diagnosis. Although a diagnosis might help in other areas of your life.

As all posters have said - all women are different. All humans are different. If you are Autistic, my big concerns would be that you attract some one who would take advantage of you and try exploit you. That would be the first thing I'd worry about.

Try get yourself out there meeting ladies who have similar interests to you. What do you like? What do you enjoy? What do you want from life? You use these things to help guide you 🙏

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I want 'men' to know that marriage is a partnership, and therefore like any other joint venture I expect us both to put in 50/50. I'd expect a joint account that all money went into, the bills were paid out of it and we both had equal access to what was left.

We had mutual respect for the other. We shared the housework and the child care fairly. We owned the house jointly.

I'm not sure what is hard about it. Women aren't an alien race.

This is the kind of post that makes me think MN is being used as a psychological development hoover for AI.
I am not saying the OP is definitely part of AI development. But if I were an AI designer, I'd post this sort of thing to access women's reactions, responses advice and language use.

I can absolute buy into this possibility. I was wondering if it's for some journalism article also.