To feel disappointed

Sunnydayz · 27/08/2024 22:14

An ex once showed up at my house on my birthday with flowers and cake and tickets to a show in London, hotel, dinner. We were together 8 years and it wasn’t always that but we always did something. I did big things for his birthday too. We always exchanged gifts for Christmas and birthdays.

Current partner might have a big birthday gift for me, or nothing at all. We don’t usually do stuff for my birthday, it’s in January and we have children. My birthday is first in the year so he gets back what he puts in. I don’t feel bad about not getting presents or planning things for him. He genuinely doesn’t care about it.

CheekyHobson · 27/08/2024 22:25

I think you probably need to have a direct conversation with him about it as people have very different expectations around birthdays and no one way is the 'right way'.

If you've never really celebrated your own birthday, it does seem a bit unreasonable to think that your boyfriend would automatically know to arrange something for you. On the whole I find men are less fussed about birthdays than women are and usually need to have your hopes/expectations/standards made clear.

I don't know if you were with him for his own birthday, but if you're hoping he will organise dinner/flowers/presents, I assume you did this yourself for him? So he understands that a partner arranging something to celebrate the other partner is your normal expectation?

Original poster

Howdon · 27/08/2024 22:25

Sunnydayz · 27/08/2024 22:14

An ex once showed up at my house on my birthday with flowers and cake and tickets to a show in London, hotel, dinner. We were together 8 years and it wasn’t always that but we always did something. I did big things for his birthday too. We always exchanged gifts for Christmas and birthdays.

Current partner might have a big birthday gift for me, or nothing at all. We don’t usually do stuff for my birthday, it’s in January and we have children. My birthday is first in the year so he gets back what he puts in. I don’t feel bad about not getting presents or planning things for him. He genuinely doesn’t care about it.

Hey! Thanks for your message, wow that sounds incredible! I mean I don't expect my bf would ever do anything to the scale you mentioned about you ex haha

The thing is I'm pretty generous and like to make a fuss of people on their birthdays but haven't really received the same back. I think for Xmas and his next bday I'll just keep it simple 🙂

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 27/08/2024 22:26

He should make an effort. Gift. Flowers. Dinner. Card. Pretty standard stuff.

Don't let him get away with doing nothing. They sets the bar very low for you.

Communicate your expectations.

Original poster

Howdon · 27/08/2024 22:30

CheekyHobson · 27/08/2024 22:25

I think you probably need to have a direct conversation with him about it as people have very different expectations around birthdays and no one way is the 'right way'.

If you've never really celebrated your own birthday, it does seem a bit unreasonable to think that your boyfriend would automatically know to arrange something for you. On the whole I find men are less fussed about birthdays than women are and usually need to have your hopes/expectations/standards made clear.

I don't know if you were with him for his own birthday, but if you're hoping he will organise dinner/flowers/presents, I assume you did this yourself for him? So he understands that a partner arranging something to celebrate the other partner is your normal expectation?

Hey CheekyHobson, I wouldn't say I have an expectation as such... I just thought it was the norm to maybe book a lunch for a partners birthday.

I do have a tendency to spoil other people, but I'm not expecting the same.

I think I'm more sad the thought didn't even cross his mind, that maybe he should plan something for us to do together. My expectations are usually pretty low, I'm easy to please in terms of I don't expect a lot in terms of dates or presents.

But I do think you're right that he's a bit nonchalant about birthday's! Perhaps I'm overreacting

Thanks 😊

OP posts:

Orchidacea · 27/08/2024 22:36

OP, I don't think you're over-reacting as such. I think what's going on is that you want some demonstration of his feelings for you. That's another issue. How is the relationship going in general? Is it becoming deeper? Does it make you happy, or are you settling?

Original poster

Howdon · 27/08/2024 22:52

Orchidacea · 27/08/2024 22:36

OP, I don't think you're over-reacting as such. I think what's going on is that you want some demonstration of his feelings for you. That's another issue. How is the relationship going in general? Is it becoming deeper? Does it make you happy, or are you settling?

Hello, I would say our relationship is getting deeper in terms of our bond and seriousness. We're moving in together soon. He is typically really nice, and funny! He does suffer from anger issues, so u don't like to start arguments with him unnecessarily. I do think you're right, I was hoping for some kind of demonstration of his feelings towards me, but I feel embarrassed to bring this up.

OP posts:

CrapBucket · 27/08/2024 23:00

Please do not move in with a man with anger issues.

CheekyHobson · 27/08/2024 23:03

He does suffer from anger issues, so u don't like to start arguments with him unnecessarily.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

Do you really think it's a good idea to move in with someone with anger issues? You're already avoiding conversations that you suspect might cause him to react badly (even if they are quite normal and innocuous, like talking about how you like to celebrate/be celebrated on birthdays) and tip-toeing around his feelings.

You've only had two boyfriends so perhaps you don't understand this is very unhealthy and not a good foundation for a lasting relationship?

You should never ever feel you can't bring up a subject where you've done absolutely nothing wrong because your partner might react poorly. This is a really major red flag.

CitrusBeanie · 27/08/2024 23:03

CrapBucket · 27/08/2024 23:00

Please do not move in with a man with anger issues.

This. You’ve been together less than a year, he has anger issues and you’re afraid to start conversations with him about something as benign as a birthday meal in case he gets angry? You’d be completely mad to move in with him.

Orchidacea · 27/08/2024 23:05

The past 3 PP's took the words right out of my mouth.

Noseybookworm · 27/08/2024 23:08

Howdon · 27/08/2024 22:52

Hello, I would say our relationship is getting deeper in terms of our bond and seriousness. We're moving in together soon. He is typically really nice, and funny! He does suffer from anger issues, so u don't like to start arguments with him unnecessarily. I do think you're right, I was hoping for some kind of demonstration of his feelings towards me, but I feel embarrassed to bring this up.

Show quote history

Please don't move in with a man who has 'anger issues'. You should not be afraid to have a disagreement with your partner because of his anger. The fact that he hasn't bothered planning anything for your birthday is not as disturbing as this!

Hayley1256 · 27/08/2024 23:10

I would be sad if my BF didn't do anything for my birthday, he'll either take me out for a nice meal or a make a big effort to make a nice 3 course dinner. He always put thought and effort into it. He knows that I don't care hiw mich something cost but I like thoughtful gifts/ effort. I would be open about this with your BF and tell him you want him to make some kind of effort as I you may come to resent this in the future

suburberphobe · 27/08/2024 23:11

Please do not move in with a man with anger issues.

Absolutely! It will turn out very badly for you.

Just tell him you've changed your mind, learn to live on your own - I know you do now - but NEVER shack up with a man "with anger issues". It will be to your detriment.

In fact, give yourself the best birthday present you can and dump him. Your future self will thank you.

Enough4me · 27/08/2024 23:16

No, no, no. Do not move in with a man who has shown you he has anger issues. You haven't even needed to live together to know this. Living together includes additional stress of negotiating new 'under the same roof' rules. I.e. it doesn't get easier!

Back away slowly, get support from friends. You are so much better off single than hurt.

TipsyJoker · 28/08/2024 00:00

I would be very disappointed if no effort was made by my husband for my birthday. It’s doesn’t have to be a big deal but there has to be something. Tell him how you feel. He’s not a mind reader. And if you tell him and he still does nothing, then you’ll know hes an ass.

Neveranynamesleft · 28/08/2024 00:06

This thread has now changed from thinking about your birthday to possibly thinking about saving your life. Do not move in with someone with anger issues.

SillyExpert · 28/08/2024 08:35

Howdon · 27/08/2024 22:08

Hey everyone,

Just thought I'd post on here as it's my birthday soon. I don't have any plans as of yet (never really celebrated my birthday)

This year I was hoping that maybe my boyfriend would maybe plan a date night, maybe pub lunch or something, but he doesn't seem bothered. (This my first birthday with him)

I asked him today if he would like to do anything with me for my birthday, and he said he wouldn't mind. I then asked if I should book somewhere and he said that would be fine.

I guess I just want to know if this is normal behaviour for a boyfriend? I mean, I had one other boyfriend and he never made of fuss of me or anything so I guess I have nothing to compare it against.

I hear stpries of colleagues getting nice flowers and having nice days planned. But is this the case for everyone?

Btw I'm not expecting a lot but just some kind of effort may have been nice.

Thanks everyone (please be kind)

I feel for you as it's the same for me but the other way around. I always try and do something nice and special for the wife but I am yet to see the favour returned, not that it's tit for tat but would be nice to be made to feel special for one evening of the year.

Even the kids now have a running joke that there's no birthday cake on my birthday and that my "party" wasn't very long. Last few years I've bought my own cake and cooked own food.......will it stop me from pulling out the stops on the return, probably not as that's who I am but I share your feelings of the lack of effort ....it's only one day a year and if the effort can't be put in it just puts you on a downer

Fiery30 · 28/08/2024 09:03

The fact that he has anger issues is of huge concern and pertinence here. Are you scared to discuss your birthday plans with him? Why are you embarassed to speak about something fairly common? If you are afraid of his reaction on this topic, how will other serious matters in the relationship be addressed going forward? Please re-think your decision of being with him. Anger issues don't just disappear.
I can't bring myself to say anything about your birthday expectations because there is a bigger matter on hand here.

LonelyInDville · 28/08/2024 09:39

You need counselling if you don’t see anything wrong with moving in with a man who has anger issues. Why do you think that is ok???

MidYearDiary · 28/08/2024 09:52

Neveranynamesleft · 28/08/2024 00:06

This thread has now changed from thinking about your birthday to possibly thinking about saving your life. Do not move in with someone with anger issues.

Exactly, and it's concerning that you seem not to see this, OP. Quite apart from not moving in with a man you're afraid to start a difficult conversation with in case he gets angry, why would you even contemplate moving in with a man whose feelings towards you you seem so unsure about?

Your expectations of relationships are worryingly low. You should end this relationship and have therapy to work on your self-esteem and why you feel you're worth so little.

GenAvocadoOnToast · 28/08/2024 09:57

So you booked 'a 5 star resort holiday in Egypt for 8 days, all expenses for the trip are being paid for my by me' for his birthday, but when you ask if he'd like to do anything for your birthday he said he 'wouldn't mind'?

And he has anger issues?

No, this is not normal. The hills >>>>>

HazelPlayer · 28/08/2024 10:10

He does suffer from anger issues, so u don't like to start arguments with him unnecessarily.

If he has "anger issues", he has no business moving in with someone, or strictly speaking even getting into relationships.

What is he doing to address his "anger issues"???

Also anger issues in men tend to actually be values issues - what they think they are entitled to. How they think they are entitled to act, particularly towards women.

Are you seeing his anger issues happen against other men, particularly those who have power? Or is it only his girlfriend/females he has trouble with anger around?.

I would read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry men".
It's actually available free one.

It's primarily about physical abuse but covers all abuse.

I wouldn't be moving in with him.

On your first question, no - Ive not been in a relationship with a man who made no effort for my birthday, they've all tried to make some effort.

It doesn't say good things about him, especially this early on when he should be in the honeymoon period.

HazelPlayer · 28/08/2024 10:15

Anger issues don't just disappear.

This. To the contrary, following the typical route to kids etc creates a huge amount of stress and pressure in a relationship/household.

Having them with someone with "anger issues" would be beyond shit.
And not good for the kids or you.

frozendaisy · 28/08/2024 10:26

He is setting you up to expect nothing, don't question anything, don't upset him because he has "anger" issues. So don't expect much.

He will expect stuff from you though, clean house, laundry, food, sex all the while you being quiet and subservient.

You will never come first ever in this relationship, top spot is his always will be even if you are in hospital, it will still be worse for him.

Run now OP. Whilst you can.