Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - I don’t know whether to leave husband

43 replies

anon90x · 27/08/2024 21:36

Hi, I feel quite embarrassed writing this, the last time I posted on one of these sites I didn’t get the response I was expecting. I have been married for 2 years, we’ve been together nearly 10. My problem with is, I have never had support during our relationship - mostly financially. I have 4 children (one with him), my bills are usually around £1900 a month and from the beginning he used to pay about £300 towards everything living with me. Then it went up to £350, then £500. It doesn’t matter what job my husband does but he can’t seem to ever afford the £500 a month. I have 2 jobs, do the childcare as well as everything around the house. I don’t know whether I’m being taken for an idiot or whether I’m being unreasonable. The other thing, on a few occasions I’ve woken up to him having sex with me whilst I’ve been asleep.is this a normal thing? He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to suggest it’s anything horrendous but I feel I have no control over our relationship including intimacy. Thank you

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 27/08/2024 21:40

I woken up to him having sex with me whilst I’ve been asleep.is this a normal thing?
He is raping you. Go to the police.

Garlicnaan · 27/08/2024 21:45

You're not unreasonable, and no it's not normal.

He's sexually abusing you

It sounds like he's really lazy and not pulling his weight either with children or around the house.

Doesn't even pay his way, who can't afford £500 a month on essentials? That's 12 hours per week on minimum wage. So unless he's working less than 12 hours a week he's having you on.

He's not a nice guy, sorry.

Nsky62 · 27/08/2024 21:47

Seems to have issues,,prob hidden addictions, why no money, amongst other stuff

Odiebay · 27/08/2024 21:50

AutumnFroglets · 27/08/2024 21:40

I woken up to him having sex with me whilst I’ve been asleep.is this a normal thing?
He is raping you. Go to the police.

This. Good god. Don't just leave him run!

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 27/08/2024 21:51

I clicked on to say having read the title if you have to ask the question the answer is usually yes you should but having read the thread the answer is most definitely yes.
Sex without consent is rape and you can not consent to sex if you're asleep. I understand that you may not want to accept that your husband rapes you but I used to be a police call handler and this was a phone call I'd be grading it a sexual offence for priority deployment.
Aswell as raping you he also doesn't want to financially contribute to his family, nor with the running of the household or the care of the children.
This man brings nothing to your life you should definitely get rid of him.
Good luck x

dontlikechanges · 27/08/2024 21:51

The other thing, on a few occasions I’ve woken up to him having sex with me whilst I’ve been asleep.is this a normal thing? He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to suggest it’s anything horrendous

This is rape.
He's not a nice guy and it is something horrendous.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 27/08/2024 21:51

First of all un consensual sex is rape. He has no business touching you without your consent, ever.

Second of all he is totally taking the piss with his contribution. He would barely get a rented room for £500, let alone his bills and food. You are subsidising him with money you need to be spending on your children, he is literally taking food from their mouths.

He is a lazy arse, there is no reason for him not to be doing half of all the house chores. End of.

Not a keeper.

Gonk123 · 27/08/2024 21:53

What does he do when you wake up! This is horrendous!

Pashazade · 27/08/2024 21:54

He is abusing you, what he is doing is rape. You would be far better off without him, he is utterly taking the piss.

yeesh · 27/08/2024 21:56

He is not a nice guy! He rapes you and financially abuses you. What the fuck. You really need to leave and get some therapy to see why you think this is ok

Original poster
anon90x · 27/08/2024 22:02

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your replies. He told me he would give me some space for a week to think over things as I told him Thursday I thought I had reached my limit and had had enough. (I’m quite bad for ignoring things and then blowing up, which I’ve done). Last night he came to see the little one and then stayed on the sofa, but spent most of this morning trying to talk me round. Which has confused me as I was so set in thinking that was it. Your replies have helped me so much x

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 27/08/2024 22:07

Of course he is trying to talk you around. He knows he is raping you, he knows he could be arrested, he knows he could go to prison. You need to get this rapist away from you and your child and the quickest, best way is to go to the police.

Do it tomorrow and don't let him know. Stay safe and I'm so sorry about what he has done to you Flowers

Sassybooklover · 27/08/2024 22:13

My ex-partner used to have sex with me, when I was asleep. I was with him between the ages of 24-28. To be honest, it wasn't until after I'd left him and was much older, that I realised the sex was rape. I hadn't consented to the sex, how could I, I was asleep. No, I haven't reported him, simply because it's my word against his, there's no proof, and it would be near on impossible to prosecute. I can't remember dates etc now, I've since had a brain injury and it's been 20 years. I am married now to an amazing man, but the consequence of my exes behaviour means I never sleep without knickers on. I'd make sure you never sleep naked, make sure you wear knickers and pyjama shorts in bed. You are still with him, reporting him may be an option. He sounds lazy, and doesn't want to support you or his family. My ex was the same, he went to work but that was it, the rest was down to me. You need to get out of the marriage, as he will grind you down.

KraftServices · 27/08/2024 22:14

He's financially and sexually abusing you. I think you would benefit massively from ending this relationship.

Lucy25 · 27/08/2024 23:36

@anon90x this is a lot.He’s already trying to talk you around, because he knows he couldn’t manage without you, whereas you will do so much better without him and he knows this.He’s taking advantage of you in every way.He isn’t a nice guy.You need time without him there, just to have some breathing space, so you get some legal advice, speak to someone you trust, or basically just change the locks.
If someone isn’t enhancing your life, it’s not worth it, you’re worth so much more.

Garlicnaan · 28/08/2024 00:23

anon90x · 27/08/2024 22:02

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your replies. He told me he would give me some space for a week to think over things as I told him Thursday I thought I had reached my limit and had had enough. (I’m quite bad for ignoring things and then blowing up, which I’ve done). Last night he came to see the little one and then stayed on the sofa, but spent most of this morning trying to talk me round. Which has confused me as I was so set in thinking that was it. Your replies have helped me so much x

I really feel for you.

Of COURSE he's trying to talk you round, and he'll try very hard.

You give him very low cost living, do his domestic chores, and also you know he's abused you. He has everything to lose, and by trying to talk you round he's thinking only of himself.

Please do stay away from him x

Nsky62 · 28/08/2024 00:31

Garlicnaan · 28/08/2024 00:23

I really feel for you.

Of COURSE he's trying to talk you round, and he'll try very hard.

You give him very low cost living, do his domestic chores, and also you know he's abused you. He has everything to lose, and by trying to talk you round he's thinking only of himself.

Please do stay away from him x

Show quote history

Exactly, until he realises it’s wrong he won’t change, the cause is unknown to us, learnt behaviour?

Taluulaah · 28/08/2024 00:48

He’s trying to talk you round? I’m not surprised, though hopefully you’ve recognised that you have been financially and sexually abused by this person, and I’m guessing that’s only the tip of the iceberg, there’s probably so much more going on that we, and maybe even you, aren’t aware of yet.

Don’t be confused or pressured or guilt-tripped into continuing the relationship with him, it sounds like he’s been treating you poorly for a long while, and you shouldn’t have had to put up with any of it - make sure you don’t put up with anymore of it in future - don’t even give him the chance.

Sorry you’re in this situation. Stay strong, keep posting - you will come out of the other side of this and you’ll be in a much happier more secure place once he’s outta the picture 🙏🏼💝

Original poster
anon90x · 28/08/2024 06:53

Sassybooklover · 27/08/2024 22:13

My ex-partner used to have sex with me, when I was asleep. I was with him between the ages of 24-28. To be honest, it wasn't until after I'd left him and was much older, that I realised the sex was rape. I hadn't consented to the sex, how could I, I was asleep. No, I haven't reported him, simply because it's my word against his, there's no proof, and it would be near on impossible to prosecute. I can't remember dates etc now, I've since had a brain injury and it's been 20 years. I am married now to an amazing man, but the consequence of my exes behaviour means I never sleep without knickers on. I'd make sure you never sleep naked, make sure you wear knickers and pyjama shorts in bed. You are still with him, reporting him may be an option. He sounds lazy, and doesn't want to support you or his family. My ex was the same, he went to work but that was it, the rest was down to me. You need to get out of the marriage, as he will grind you down.

This is my situation exactly… it’s hard hearing people say it’s abuse too because I’ve never really thought of it like that. Almost questioning myself whether it was absolutely normal and didn’t want people to think I was stupid. I couldn’t ever report it for exactly the same reasons as you’ve said. The last time it happened I really said I didn’t like it and it didn’t happen again, it felt so innocent from his side. I have 0% sex drive and this has been for about a year now, I don’t know whether this is hormones or whether it’s some kind of mental block against sex.

The financial situation is the main thing that has triggered me thinking of leaving. He never gives me a straight answer when I ask about money situations, I know he has debt from the past but he’s never told me exactly the situation. Also found recent loans he’s taken and at the time he’s been unable to say what and how much they are for. It just doesn’t fill me with much trust and my priorities have changed into wanting to be a good wife and Mum to wanting to protect my children and JUST be a good Mum. Sorry for the long post x

OP posts:
WithnailOnTour · 28/08/2024 07:00

He’s raping you, and he’s sucking up all your money.
What do you get in return?

sesquipedalian · 28/08/2024 07:01

OP, this man is using you for sex and using you for money. Jolly nice for him to have a housekeeper and all his needs taken care of, and just contribute “pocket money” to,the family pot. He’s a drone, and you need to get rid - and I don’t say this lightly, because there are many threads where “LTB” is the immediate response - but in your case, I’m afraid you really do need to - the sex while you’re asleep is a MASSIVE red flag - and have you thought that perhaps you have zero sex drive because you’re worn out doing everything for everyone and wondering how to make ends meet, while he is behaving in a very unloving way? You and your children deserve so much more than this.

Balaclava1000 · 28/08/2024 07:08

No offence OP but the bar is really low for men if this is what is considered as a 'nice guy'.

RichTea90 · 28/08/2024 07:17

I am sorry you are going through this. I am shocked you married him in all honesty, and the fact you refer to him as nice is worrying. I’d be interested to know what you think is “nice” about him?

Have you confronted him on the non-consensual sex?

Original poster
anon90x · 28/08/2024 07:26

RichTea90 · 28/08/2024 07:17

I am sorry you are going through this. I am shocked you married him in all honesty, and the fact you refer to him as nice is worrying. I’d be interested to know what you think is “nice” about him?

Have you confronted him on the non-consensual sex?

I have spoken to him about it a few times but I was honestly worried it was just me that didn’t think it was ‘normal.’

OP posts:
RichTea90 · 28/08/2024 07:26

anon90x · 28/08/2024 07:26

I have spoken to him about it a few times but I was honestly worried it was just me that didn’t think it was ‘normal.’

Show quote history

And how did he respond?

Swipe left for the next trending thread