Please help - I don’t know whether to leave husband

[anon90x]

Hi, I feel quite embarrassed writing this, the last time I posted on one of these sites I didn’t get the response I was expecting. I have been married for 2 years, we’ve been together nearly 10. My problem with is, I have never had support during our relationship - mostly financially. I have 4 children (one with him), my bills are usually around £1900 a month and from the beginning he used to pay about £300 towards everything living with me. Then it went up to £350, then £500. It doesn’t matter what job my husband does but he can’t seem to ever afford the £500 a month. I have 2 jobs, do the childcare as well as everything around the house. I don’t know whether I’m being taken for an idiot or whether I’m being unreasonable. The other thing, on a few occasions I’ve woken up to him having sex with me whilst I’ve been asleep.is this a normal thing? He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to suggest it’s anything horrendous but I feel I have no control over our relationship including intimacy. Thank you

Of course you have no sex drive OP, don't think anyone would if he was the option!

He just kind of laughed it off, which is what got me worried into thinking is it just an innocent thing.

I don’t like that response. Feels he isn’t taking you seriously. Also is this a new thing since you got married, or has he always done this?

This, coupled with the financial situation feels abusive and exploitative. I’d really encourage you to be strong and put your foot down with him and explain it isn’t acceptable how he is treating you.

I would also strongly advise you seek a counsellor to confide in.

It never happened before we got married, so in the last couple of years and has happened maybe 3 times. The other times if I’m exhausted after being at work looking after the kids, if I didn’t feel like sex he would kind of sulk about it so would sometimes just do it so I didn’t have him sulking or being off with me x

Three times that you know of...

And he manipulated you onto having sex lots of other times.

Plus he is hiding his financial situation from you.

He is a bad husband and a bad father.

I am also struggling to see what you find nice about him. Is he ever really nice or do you just feel you have to say that?

We don’t really see much of each other to be honest, he works 7 days a week and by the time I’ve done extra work etc most days we only sit and watch tv together. The more I think about it the more I think he’s good at putting on an act. So the other day he came home in a really bad mood and said he was poorly, basically hiding under a blanket. When his sister came over it was like a light switch and he was laughing and talking. Then the minute she left he went back to being off with me and under the blanket. I don’t know, maybe that’s how I want to think of him

Well if you rarely see him then getting divorced won't make much difference, he obviously doesn't pull his weight at home or with his family so get rid. You will have one less person to consider and the freedom to live how you want..

A rapist is an abuser. Men who abuse find different ways to control and manipulate, eg financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually.

I really think you would benefit talking to either a local abuse charity (your GP or council webpage can tell you who/where it is) or Women's Aid. I feel you need to unravel a few thoughts before you can take action. I totally understand why you feel you can't go to the police but you really do need to get him away from you and the children.

Start small and do things one step at a time. Get understanding of what abuse is, what it looks like and how that appears in your marriage. Once you have that light bulb moment you will gain the strength to deal with it as anger will help motivate you. But I think you also need support during this process. Email or call them

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Thank you so much, I spoke to women’s aid this morning actually and they were really helpful. They gave me my local services contact numbers. X

Awesome! Keep going OP. One step at a time, but never stop, never look back. Focus on the bright and happy future that can be yours ❤

He absolutely is a rapist.

He financially and sexually abuses you.
Please call Womens aid for support.

This is a really bad man.

Definitely leave. He's a financial burden on you. Tell him to move out. Do not waste another penny on him.
As for the non consensual sex? Well, obviously it's completely unacceptable. You may not want to call it that but it's rape.
You'd be better off single.

Thank you, it’s hard to hear but I appreciate these replies. It’s making things a lot clearer xx

Bless you. I think people are failing to appreciate how hard it is to come to terms with an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t always hit you in the face or seem obvious, it sounds like it’s been a gradual unravelling for you OP. With children to think about as well, this can’t be easy for you. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Well done for posting and talking about it, and for calling women’s aid.

my priorities have changed into wanting to be a good wife and Mum to wanting to protect my children and JUST be a good Mum

This is great to hear.

Don’t let your children see you in a relationship that’s not supportive and equal and loving. You are their blueprint for what adult life looks like. Give them a good one - an independent single mum who puts them first and doesn’t need a partner who isn’t good to her.

This.
OPs comment caught my eye too, and it’s refreshing actually. Good on you OP for putting your child first and foremost. You just prioritise yourself too in order to continue keeping your little one as safe and as secure as possible. Any threat to your safety, your security or your peace, be that physically or mentally or otherwise, you gotta step up and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your child.
you will thank yourself for doing so, when you finally become free of the fear and stress in your relationship. I remember feeling like a literal physical weight had been lifted off me when I left my abusive ex. It took a while to get to that point but my God, it was worth it.

You're a mother and you're allowing a RAPIST yes he is a rapist, in the house with your children?
Abuse escalates.
You've been told here by numerous posters what he's doing is rape, so you're oblivious no longer. Time for action

He isn't going to get arrested or go to prison unless there is evidence (ie caught it on camera) Anything less than that is just an accusation. Even more so in a marriage.