Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aiming to split in 12 months, how to keep negative thinking at bay as it's consuming me

37 replies

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 16:17

Hi, looking for advice from people who have been through similar as I am driving myself mad and can't afford a therapist!!

So in my head I have already completely separated from my husband of 20 years and I am intending to tell him in about 12 months time. This is due to a number of things such as kids ages, saving up money, getting ducks in a row. I'm trying to be sensible and not rush it.
My husband doesn't know any of this but is fully aware that we are in a very unhappy marriage and we basically live as if we are separated already, we have seperate bedrooms, do nothing together, aren't intimate etc.
I feel happy with my decision and I am focusing on my future.
But day to life is very hard. Being in the same house with someone who you don't want to be around is very difficult. There is always an uncomfortable atmosphere and we bicker very easily. We disagree on absolutely everything in life .
I spend all day every day fantasising about what my new life will be like, even when I'm at work. And if not, how much i dislike him and how unhappy i am with my life . I can't focus on anything else . I can feel the effect it is having on my mind and body as I feel very restless, can't settle, my brain is in overdrive. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to spend some time relaxing at home if possible but as soon as I walk through the door, every one of my senses is heightened and it is exhausting.
How do I get over this? It feels like this huge thing looming ahead of me and I can think of nothing else

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2024 16:23

You’re not doing your children any favours by staying in this dead marriage any longer.

You may think its ok to carry on like this because you’re not screaming and shouting at each other but they will be able to sense the toxicity in the house, making for an uncomfortable place to live.

You need to have an honest talk with your husband and tell him you want to separate and start the fall rolling now.

Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:06

I can't leave now as would be penniless. I need a year to prepare

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 27/08/2024 17:10

Regardless of what you save, wouldn't it all go into the joint pot when it comes to sharing assets in a divorce?

In my in-laws divorce last year, all savings accounts and money over a certain amount had to be declared. Fil didn't believe mil and hired a forensic accounted and it turned up another undeclared savings account where she had been putting away money to make her escape

Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2024 17:12

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:06

I can't leave now as would be penniless. I need a year to prepare

You know your circumstances better than us but are you sure?
Have you actually checked with proper sources rather than assuming or listening to the female equivalent of "Dave down the pub"?

Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:12

I am saving it as physical cash , and it won't be a huge amount , just enough for a deposit on a rental and to buy Some furniture . At the moment I have nothing as he has it all and I can't get access to it . It's all in his name

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:14

@Hoppinggreen I would be penniless initially until finances sorted down the line. I would have to claim UC on top of my full time wage and I wouldn't have enough to cover even the basic bills before the UC came through which I think is 6 weeks. I'm on minimum wage

OP posts:
DadJoke · 27/08/2024 17:16

You need to get legal advice straight away.

Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:16

Also both of my children would be over 13 years old then where there wishes are taken into account to who they want to live with. They wouldn't want to live with him but he would go for custody to be as evil to me as possible as that's what he's like

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:18

The question I am asking is how can I make my day to day life more bearable for myself as at the moment it's very tough and affecting me mentally

OP posts:
ActualChips · 27/08/2024 17:19

Get legal advice and just start the divorce, stay in the house until it's sorted. Stuff being in his name is irrelevant when you have a marriage contract.

DoreenonTill8 · 27/08/2024 17:19

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:14

@Hoppinggreen I would be penniless initially until finances sorted down the line. I would have to claim UC on top of my full time wage and I wouldn't have enough to cover even the basic bills before the UC came through which I think is 6 weeks. I'm on minimum wage

Where are your wages going now? Into a joint account you don't have access to?

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 17:20

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:06

I can't leave now as would be penniless. I need a year to prepare

How can you be so sure he isn't going to end it tonight?

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 17:21

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:16

Also both of my children would be over 13 years old then where there wishes are taken into account to who they want to live with. They wouldn't want to live with him but he would go for custody to be as evil to me as possible as that's what he's like

Don't play games with your kids like that

Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:21

I get my wage but it's only a small amount that wouldn't cover my monthly outgoings initially plus I need a deposit for rent . All savings are in his name as he's the higher earner and been able to save. I pay all of our day to day expenses , food etc

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/08/2024 17:24

Yes, if you are working now you should be able to access your wages, what about the child benefit. If you can't he is financially abusing you.

Original poster
Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:25

@violetsparkle it's not a game- it's to protect them as they would not want to live with him and he would insist on it.
Over 13 they are asked what they want and can make their own decision, whatever they choose is fine. But I want them to be able to have that choice

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 27/08/2024 17:27

Bananalanacake · 27/08/2024 17:24

Yes, if you are working now you should be able to access your wages, what about the child benefit. If you can't he is financially abusing you.

Absolutely this. Are you working ft or could you up hours if not?

Rhaidimiddim · 27/08/2024 17:27

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:12

I am saving it as physical cash , and it won't be a huge amount , just enough for a deposit on a rental and to buy Some furniture . At the moment I have nothing as he has it all and I can't get access to it . It's all in his name

As you are married, some of it at least will be joint assetts. I hope you are making a record of what assetts are in his name, how much they are etc as of this point in time.

And please go and see a solicitor, who can give you a far more realistic idea than anyone on MN of what your situation post separation might be. You should be able to find one who will do an initial consultation for free. And planning and attending it, and digesting the news, should kill a month or two and provide you with a game plan.

Rhaidimiddim · 27/08/2024 17:32

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 17:21

Don't play games with your kids like that

Show quote history

If you have to play games to protect your kids, do so!

allgrownupnow · 27/08/2024 18:30

There is enough info here from OP to infer that she is in an abusive relationship and needs to navigate her exit carefully. Everyone commenting on her finances and that she should just end it now aren't taking this into account.
Op is asking for support enduring the next while while she prepares herself to make the leap.

OP, it probably is worth contacting women's aid to get support and guidance on how to leave an abusive marriage. Also, free or very low cost therapy is available to have someone to support you emotionally as you go through this and the next phase. I know there are long waiting lists on the nhs generally but it's still worth trying as sometimes you can be lucky. But is likely only going to be a few sessions.
Another option is to look up low cost counselling services in your area and therapy training centres. There are many services which provide cheap or free therapy with trainee therapists (some nhs services are also provided by trainees). They are closely supervised and it's possible to get some good help by doing this.

Do you have any friends you can confide in?

You mention that you are back into the stress when you are both in the house. It would help to focus on emotionally detaching, don't enter the arguments, shrug every thing off. Protect yourself internally, use the grey rock technique. You do have control over your response to him - it is hard to do it at first but by being aware of your self and conscious rather than instinctive in your reactions you can get some power back. Know you do have the power to leave, and this can help you find the power to put up with the situation just a bit longer until the time that you choose is right for you to end the relationship.
Lots of deep breaths, reminding yourself of your strength and that there is light at the end of the tunnel 💪💪💪

Mumofoneandone · 27/08/2024 18:39

I think there is someway of freezing assets whilst a divorce is going through to prevent one side getting rid. Also, if you are basically living separate lives, I believe you can apply for UC before you leave.
Definitely make contact with Woman's aid for advice and support. 12 months is a long time - even for the best of reasons.

gardenmusic · 27/08/2024 19:01

You have been married for 20 years, you would get at least half of the money in the partnership. The fact that 'he has it' is irrelevant. You need to get proof of the amount, rather than trust him to declare truthfully.
You think you are going to wait a year to save up, but he may have other ideas and want to split up next week. Don't let him blindside you.
At 13 your childrens wishes will be taken into account - he cannot insist that they live with him, unless you are unable to house them.
How do you live at present? Is your home owned or rented?

You need to get some legal advice. Some solicitors will give you half an hour free

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 19:10

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:25

@violetsparkle it's not a game- it's to protect them as they would not want to live with him and he would insist on it.
Over 13 they are asked what they want and can make their own decision, whatever they choose is fine. But I want them to be able to have that choice

That's fine then. If you're sure it's in their best interests then I understand

AgileGreenSeal · 27/08/2024 19:17

Chickennuggetqueen · 27/08/2024 17:25

@violetsparkle it's not a game- it's to protect them as they would not want to live with him and he would insist on it.
Over 13 they are asked what they want and can make their own decision, whatever they choose is fine. But I want them to be able to have that choice

“Over 13 they are asked what they want and can make their own decision, whatever they choose is fine. But I want them to be able to have that choice”

are you sure about this?
have you taken legal advice on it?

DadJoke · 27/08/2024 19:57

The way you can make it more bearable is to see a lawyer straight away. You do not currently understand how divorce finances and custody work. I am not trying to be harsh, but that’s the reality.