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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he come back...grief

34 replies

herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 15:06

My new partner of 3 months has just finished with me because his dad is dying and he says he can't be in a relationship at the moment.

Whilst our relationship was short we had built a good connection and bond. He was everything I've been looking for in a partner.

I know grief is so deliberating and his Dad is close to dying of cancer.

Do you think there is a chance for us in the future once the grief subsides?

OP posts:
MumLass · 27/08/2024 15:10

I'm sorry OP, I guess all you can do is wait and see. Noone can answer this for you.

mushroomforest · 27/08/2024 15:11

I don’t think this a great sign, to be perfectly honest with you. Grief does do a number on you, but it doesn’t stop people from being in a relationship. Ideally a partner can help support them through the grief, but it sounds like perhaps you are more invested in this relationship than he was.

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 15:25

@mushroomforest it definitely felt like we were both equally invested until these past 2 weeks where he's withdrawn then ended it.

OP posts:
Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 15:25

@MumLass yes I guess you're right

OP posts:
TheseBootsAreWalking · 27/08/2024 15:43

Hmm, OP I am not sure this man was being honest with you.
My guess is that he may have connected with someone else but is a coward and told you a narrative that he thinks will save his skin, and sooth you, just in case the other "thing, does not work then he will know you will be an option to him.

I know this is not everyones take, but if you two were truly connected, then he would surely lean on you while going through the grieve of his DF being ill. Not just go avol.

TransformerZ · 27/08/2024 15:45

Is he telling the truth - do you have proof?
Didn't he know his dad was dying 3 months ago?

Anyway, it's 3 months - move on.

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 15:57

@TheseBootsAreWalking and @TransformerZ ive seen his Dad so know how poorly he is. I do believe this to be genuine. But I agree that you would lean on a partner rather than discard them. I'm in healthcare myself so experienced in this field too. I'm also a huge empath so wanted him to lean on me.

OP posts:
Fortesque · 27/08/2024 15:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

eggandchip · 27/08/2024 16:24

I think hes use this awful time as a way out.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2024 16:30

See I disagree with some other posters and think in his position I would also have walked away from a 3 month relationship. Losing a parent is awful, you do lean on loved ones during this time but (and I mean this kindly) after only 3 months you are not a partner or a loved one, you’re a date, a relationship in it’s infancy. The time, effort and energy required to build a healthy happy relationship is just something he probably does not have right now, and you’re not close enough or solid enough for him to lean on- and nor should you want him to, it’s not healthy. Building a new relationship is an extra responsibility and task that he just doesn’t have the time or headspace for right now, which is actually really good of him to acknowledge and step away rather than use you as an emotional support through this difficult time.

If I was you I’d accept this, move on, and if one day you both find yourselves available you never know things may be rekindled then.

2Old2Tango · 27/08/2024 16:30

I'm going to go the other way. Grief is complex. If his dad is close to dying then he may want to spend as much time with him as possible and not be distracted. In the scheme of things your relationship is early days. It could be that he wants to be at home supporting his mum (and siblings?) They may not have anyone else close to lean on.

If you really like him and he's worth waiting for then I'd give him a chance. However, don't put your own life on hold for too long.

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 16:32

@Mrsttcno1 this is exactly what he has said to me is the reason.

OP posts:
TransformerZ · 27/08/2024 16:41

herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 16:32

@Mrsttcno1 this is exactly what he has said to me is the reason.

Don't hold out
You're wasting your time
When that period passes he'll want someone new - not someone associated with that bad time.
Some posters are giving you false hope.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2024 16:44

herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 16:32

@Mrsttcno1 this is exactly what he has said to me is the reason.

Good on him then for knowing he is just not in the place to build something right now.

Isometimeswonder · 27/08/2024 16:49

I'm with those that say he's right.
The early part of a relationship is lovely but hard work, getting to know someone's good and bad sides, letting them see yours.
I would not have the patience to offer any more of myself to someone new, even if I felt a connection.
It's just really shitty timing @herewegoagogo

sammylady37 · 27/08/2024 16:50

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2024 16:30

See I disagree with some other posters and think in his position I would also have walked away from a 3 month relationship. Losing a parent is awful, you do lean on loved ones during this time but (and I mean this kindly) after only 3 months you are not a partner or a loved one, you’re a date, a relationship in it’s infancy. The time, effort and energy required to build a healthy happy relationship is just something he probably does not have right now, and you’re not close enough or solid enough for him to lean on- and nor should you want him to, it’s not healthy. Building a new relationship is an extra responsibility and task that he just doesn’t have the time or headspace for right now, which is actually really good of him to acknowledge and step away rather than use you as an emotional support through this difficult time.

If I was you I’d accept this, move on, and if one day you both find yourselves available you never know things may be rekindled then.

I agree completely with this. I’d barely be considering him a boyfriend at this point, certainly not a partner. (Awaits post from someone saying they were pregnant and engaged within 3 months of meeting 🙈)

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 16:59

Thank you everyone for the perspective. I know it's early days but we really did bond quickly but yes too soon for him to continue the relationship through difficult times.

It hurts though...more than I thought it would. For me this man came after a series of awful failed relationships (including a marriage) and I thought I'd finally met someone I could build a future with.

OP posts:
Belugaheights · 27/08/2024 17:21

What’s this guys history OP? Was he married and if so where is the wife now?

BarraNayk · 27/08/2024 17:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hayley1256 · 27/08/2024 17:24

I would try not to get too down about it and I can see why he doesn't have the headpiece. I would let him know you there for him if he ever wants to chat and be clear that there's no hard feelings

Boomer55 · 27/08/2024 17:36

Grief does a lot if things. Some people just need to be “private” to process it.

I would just wait and see.

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 17:40

@Belugaheights not married but had an ex partner and child. He sees his child regularly so they are amicable.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 27/08/2024 17:46

I'm also a huge empath so wanted him to lean on me

remember the theory about the circle of grief and bereavement.

basically, the person in the centre of the circle, who is the most affected, gets to choose what they need and when they need it.

as the circle widens outwards, there are others also affected by the situation, so family, wider relatives, friends.

unfortunately, painful though it is, you are probably on the outmost edge of the circle, because you have only know him for a few weeks,

if he has decided to finish the relationship either completely or while he is going through his father's illness, supporting him, supporting his family, as it could be that his father's life is coming to an end, then you'll need to reconcile it as what he needs and respect the choice he has made.

hopefully you have good friends or family you can share your own sadness with, due to the loss of this new relationship that wasn't to be. If he does come back later, you'll need to be sure he is serious as you wouldn't want it to become a pattern where he abandons you whenever there's a crisis.

Original poster
herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 17:55

@daisychain01 thank you, how you've put it makes complete sense. I think I thought I was more in his circle than I am.

OP posts:
H112 · 27/08/2024 19:23

herewegoagogo · 27/08/2024 15:57

@TheseBootsAreWalking and @TransformerZ ive seen his Dad so know how poorly he is. I do believe this to be genuine. But I agree that you would lean on a partner rather than discard them. I'm in healthcare myself so experienced in this field too. I'm also a huge empath so wanted him to lean on me.

Saying you're an empath is not a good thing op