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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive OH has separated me from family

37 replies

Mk1234 · 27/08/2024 02:44

I have no one left. He's separated me from the only sibling who made an effort.

My husband has been physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me for years, we've been married 7 years. It started pretty soon after we married but I didn't know any better as I had just just given birth and had PND. He kept telling me not to take baby outdoor or stay out late, it was winter and he wanted me home at 4pm because 'its too dark',as annoying as I found it i just thought it was because he was protective over his first baby.

Over the years, any friend that has been apart of my life he's slowly created a narrative in his own head and then will start an argument with me any time I met up with them. He has pretty much seperated himself with his own family deliberately. He makes himself to be the martyr when he is the one that causes the drama in his own family , which is why his family don't really make make an effort with him, however they still show him love.

He has separated me from most of my friends. My mum has moved away and my younger sister lives in the family home with my brother. My Husband has told me I cannot go to my old family home because my mums not there and im definitely not allowed to take the children there as my younger brother is there. (He has an issue with my younger brother, even though he has never met or spoken to him). My younger sister still lives there but I'm still not allowed to go and visit her.

He has now told me I cannot go and visit my older brother and his children. My children absolutly adore them and have been asking to visit as they live near us but I've been putting it off saying they've gone away. My husband has had a massive argument with me and told me not to take the children there to visit them at all, and if I do there be repercussions.

Im suffocating, I don't know how much more of all this I can take. I dream of being able to do things with out restrictions without having someone constantly challenge and belittle me about EVERYTHING. I hate how I've become hyper vigilant, and I know exactly when hes about to erupt or can second guess his next move.

I know I'm being watched by the children's safeguarding team at school because DC1 has mentioned things at school regarding him. The children are still very young and love their dad but have started to regularly say that he isn't a very good dad.

I'm lost and very lonely

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 27/08/2024 03:04

I know it's easier said than done, i've been there, but you HAVE to get out. as soon as you can. Pack a bag for yourself and the dc and go to one of your siblings houses. Tell them what is happening and start the process of divorce. Speak to the police about the physical violence and get one of those orders that says he must stay away from you (not sure what they are called in the UK, non mol?) You cannot subject your children to this man. They will grow up believing this is normal. Do not let your husband know of your plans. He can't watch you 24/7. You are going to have to do this by stealth.

LadyMinerva · 27/08/2024 03:05

I forgot to say, we at Mumset are here for you. So many of us have gone through what you are going through and have come out the other side. And it's wonderful over on this side!

Pugworld · 27/08/2024 04:03

Please contact Women's Aid. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

You need to get yourself and your kids away from this arsehole. They will give you practical support and advice.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Nightowl1234 · 27/08/2024 04:43

I know it seems easier said than done but actually sometimes things are pretty straightforward. You sound luckier than most in that you have siblings who I am sure would love to reconnect and support you if you’re open and honest with them. Pack a bag, get the kids’ passports and any documents and leave when he’s not there. It is as simple as it sounds. Everything else can follow. There will be lots of support to walk you through the next stages of your life and support you - a divorce solicitor, women’s aid, your family, a therapist - but you have to take the first step. Walk out. Or better call your brother and tell him you’re being abused and ask him to come over and help you leave.

Nightowl1234 · 27/08/2024 04:43

And good luck, @Mk1234. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children.

username44416 · 27/08/2024 04:49

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation and get some advice on n how to leave.

Start documenting the abuse and call the police if he gets physical as you want to collate evidence.

Get some legal advice on divorce, try Rights of Women for free legal advice.

The citizens advice website has loads of useful information and Gingerbread has a great helpline.

ilovelamp82 · 27/08/2024 04:52

Go to your siblings and show them the message you have just written. They will help you. You are not the first to be in this position. Don't be embarrassed. But you must get out of it. Not just for you but for your children. Children mirror their parents relationships and by the sound of it they already have the measure of him. Would you be happy for your daughter to be in your shoes one day? She finds a man that won't let her see you or her siblings anymore? Or your son is violent to his wife. This is their normal. Get out. I know it's scary but I promise life will be better on the other side. Your family will want to help you.

Moonshiners · 27/08/2024 07:56

Can you talk to one of your siblings? Would they help?
They will be so glad to have you back and must be so worried for you.

Bananalanacake · 27/08/2024 08:22

What do you do at the weekends, he can't make you stay in the house all day, could you tell him you're taking the DC to the park then go to your sister's house.

BubblePerm · 27/08/2024 08:40

Please just phone the police when he is out of the house.
He would be arrested and given bail conditions not to go near you, meaning you get to stay in the house. If he does go near you, you dial 999 and he would be arrested again.
The police can give you a personal alarm, log your telephone number with a "Treat as urgent" marker for if you did need to call and also send out the force "Bobby van" to make sure your home is secure.
They will do a "DASH" questionnaire asking you about all aspects of your relationship and his behaviour towards you and grade you on risk from that.
Please protect yourself and your children.
It sounds like the school suspecting means that the evidence is there for a charge.
Please don't wait any longer. It will be hard, but you can have a new life.
I interviewed someone similar to you whose husband was sentenced to 12 years in prison. Don't underestimate what this is doing to you and your children.
Please be safe x

Original poster
Mk1234 · 27/08/2024 09:14

One of the reasons I feel I can't move forward is because I won't be believed even though I have photo of bruises. I know there will be the question of why I've stayed this long. Honestly, every time there is an incident with him, despite how nasty he is to me. I get into this state of anxiety and cannot function like I need him to be ok with me, and when he is OK with me that anxiety reduces and I begin to function. I've come to realise ive become dependant on him I know, I think this is what they call trauma bond. I know he has mental health issues stemming from his own childhood trauma relating to his mum leaving him and his siblings due to DV. I know I have become the source of hate for him and all the hate he has for his parents he throws on to me.

@BubblePerm please can you tell me what this person did to get 12 years? if you are allowed to. Even though I have photos of bruises and voice notes of verbal abuse and threats of him saying he'll hurt my family should I make contact, I still feel that this is not enough and that he will get away with it if I did go to the police.

OP posts:
Dery · 27/08/2024 09:30

OP - the evidence you have is more than enough. That voice saying you won’t be believed: that’s his voice in your head. And it is very common for victims of abuse to spend years - even decades - with their abusive partners before leaving and it can take them multiple attempts to leave.

Please speak to the police and Women’s Aid and your siblings. I know Boots and I think Superdrug were offering safe spaces from which victims of abuse can call the police and seek help. Or just go to see one of your siblings and make the call from there.

The mental confusion you feel is a symptom of the abuse you’ve been suffering.

His MH issues do not excuse his abuse. In fact, at some level, abusing you will actually be making his MH worse because at some level he knows it’s wrong.

There are posters on MN who have fled domestic violence and made new lives for themselves. It is possible. Take it one step at a time. There is useful information about making and carrying out an escape plan at this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

A good first step can be starting to get copies of important documents together and also a bit of money, if possible.

I want to leave my relationship safely - Women’s Aid

The Survivor’s Handbook provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, with simple guidance on every aspect of seeking support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely

BubblePerm · 27/08/2024 09:33

The victim had texts from her abuser acknowledging the abuse and apologising for it.
It really sounds like your evidence is strong. Please contact police before he suspects you can't take it anymore and gets to your phone x

BubblePerm · 27/08/2024 09:35

Police will also refer you to an IDVA which is an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser who will help you navigate the system, access help and advocate for you.
It sounds like there is enough to charge him.

BubblePerm · 27/08/2024 09:42

The abuser was coercively controlling the victim in this case and also raping her.

Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2024 09:45

Of course it is better if you have evidence of his abuse for future divorce etc but you don't need any to leave, you can just do that whenever you feel able to.

Laszlomydarling · 27/08/2024 11:21

I know it's hard. Unbearable actually. But if you leave him. You will eventually heal and you'll feel a sort of freedom you never thought possible. I left my abuser just over 7 years ago. I never thought life could be so good. Life is precious, and short. If you can talk to the police, or womens aid, they will help you leave safely. But you have to be certain. And you have to be ready.

Timetoheal4good · 27/08/2024 11:33

Mk1234 · 27/08/2024 09:14

One of the reasons I feel I can't move forward is because I won't be believed even though I have photo of bruises. I know there will be the question of why I've stayed this long. Honestly, every time there is an incident with him, despite how nasty he is to me. I get into this state of anxiety and cannot function like I need him to be ok with me, and when he is OK with me that anxiety reduces and I begin to function. I've come to realise ive become dependant on him I know, I think this is what they call trauma bond. I know he has mental health issues stemming from his own childhood trauma relating to his mum leaving him and his siblings due to DV. I know I have become the source of hate for him and all the hate he has for his parents he throws on to me.

@BubblePerm please can you tell me what this person did to get 12 years? if you are allowed to. Even though I have photos of bruises and voice notes of verbal abuse and threats of him saying he'll hurt my family should I make contact, I still feel that this is not enough and that he will get away with it if I did go to the police.

Go to the police. Go to your brother. Play the voice notes, show the messages. Tell them you are scared.

Please. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. You owe it to them. And to yourself. You're in the grips of a trauma bond but the only thing that will sever it is time away from him. You need to leave and get a restraining order which you will get because you have evidence of threats.

He will not change. Please believe me, they are not capable of it and it will get worse. He will abuse your children when they are old enough to say anything back.

Maddy70 · 27/08/2024 11:53

Pack as bag for you and your child. And go to your siblings house

Take certificates you have too
Banking passports exams birth certificates

Go today

Howdull · 27/08/2024 12:02

I know I'm being watched by the children's safeguarding team at school

This comment worried me OP. Children's safeguarding team don't "watch" anybody. If they have concerns they investigate them yes - but they don't "watch" parents. That sounds a little bit like paranoia.

But as everyone else said, make plans now to leave.

The first thing you need to think about is where you are going to live. Whats your current housing situation?

SingingSands · 27/08/2024 13:00

My advice is the same as the others on this thread so I won't repeat it. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you a virtual hand hold. I hope you can find the strength to leave this man.

The police WILL believe you.

Take one small step today and start to plan your exit. We are all here for you @Mk1234 and you will get excellent support from other women who have gone through the same.

Notreat · 27/08/2024 13:05

You have to leave him. Not just for yourself but for your children. Then you need to report him for coercive control. Talk to a solicitor or citizens advice bureau for advice then go and stay with your family.
t's difficult but once you do it things will begin to improve.
If you stay things will just get worse for you and your children

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/08/2024 13:26

If you think school are aware, that's your safe place to head for when you are dropping the children to school. They'll be able to contact women's aid, the police etc. for / with you.
Your husband is coercively controlling you and that's now a crime.
Please be safe and get away from this man.

femfemlicious · 27/08/2024 13:31

Go and visit your family. If he hits you, call the police and use that to leave. Dig deep and be brave.

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/08/2024 13:36

I would get the kids and go to your family home, where it sounds like you will be very welcome and safe. Call the police and never go back to him. Do this today.