Abusive OH has separated me from family

[Mk1234]

I have no one left. He's separated me from the only sibling who made an effort.

My husband has been physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me for years, we've been married 7 years. It started pretty soon after we married but I didn't know any better as I had just just given birth and had PND. He kept telling me not to take baby outdoor or stay out late, it was winter and he wanted me home at 4pm because 'its too dark',as annoying as I found it i just thought it was because he was protective over his first baby.

Over the years, any friend that has been apart of my life he's slowly created a narrative in his own head and then will start an argument with me any time I met up with them. He has pretty much seperated himself with his own family deliberately. He makes himself to be the martyr when he is the one that causes the drama in his own family , which is why his family don't really make make an effort with him, however they still show him love.

He has separated me from most of my friends. My mum has moved away and my younger sister lives in the family home with my brother. My Husband has told me I cannot go to my old family home because my mums not there and im definitely not allowed to take the children there as my younger brother is there. (He has an issue with my younger brother, even though he has never met or spoken to him). My younger sister still lives there but I'm still not allowed to go and visit her.

He has now told me I cannot go and visit my older brother and his children. My children absolutly adore them and have been asking to visit as they live near us but I've been putting it off saying they've gone away. My husband has had a massive argument with me and told me not to take the children there to visit them at all, and if I do there be repercussions.

Im suffocating, I don't know how much more of all this I can take. I dream of being able to do things with out restrictions without having someone constantly challenge and belittle me about EVERYTHING. I hate how I've become hyper vigilant, and I know exactly when hes about to erupt or can second guess his next move.

I know I'm being watched by the children's safeguarding team at school because DC1 has mentioned things at school regarding him. The children are still very young and love their dad but have started to regularly say that he isn't a very good dad.

I'm lost and very lonely

I'm so sorry you are in your situation with an abusive man who will grind you down mentally, continue to hurt you and never change. It's likely that your family are praying that you will come to them for help, because it's likely that they have an idea of what v is going on, but feel helpless to do anything. Please keep taking one step forward and use all the help that is on offer. Do this for yourself and your children. You do not owe him anything and he is breaking the law. Sending you lots of hugs and strength x

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

These people will organise an emergency restraining order against your husband. Ensure it has powers of arrest attached to it, which means police can arrest him if he breaks it.
Also ask that your address & contact details aren't included in the documentation, to protect your safety.

It won't cost you anything, and if you get worried or scared about doing it at any point, talk to the team about your fears and they will answer your questions & reassure you.

The police can help make sure you leave safely and you will be believed.

Your gp can also help connect you with domestic abuse help to help you and your children get free.

Reach out to your family. And if you need a plan for leaving safely and secretly then we can help you, but so can these people:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/i-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser/

Some mumsnetters will argue that you if you don't leave immediately, you're a bad mother. This isn't true
It isn't always straightforward for women to leave, especially when children are involved, and it is OK if it takes time to plan to leave safely & summon the courage to do it.

We're here for you and you are not alone.

My ex was recently found guilty of controlling and coercive behaviour. This it what you are being subjected to. It is a criminal offence. If you report to the police, they will remove him and help you to obtain a restraining order. I understand how hard it is but once you take that first step you will never look back. Best wishes.

OP, I believe you. I will say that again, I believe you.

You have been given excellent advice on this thread, go and talk to the Police and begin the journey to stop this happening. Then lead a long and happy life because you deserve it.

We believe you OP but it doesn't matter who else does/doesn't.
You can leave anyway, you can leave without evidence or justification. You only think you need this evidence because this awful man has conditioned you to.
Also, you may well be believed in any case.

You will be believed. We believe you. Please get help. You can do this.

I believe you.

But even if I didn't, you still have 100% right to leave and start a new life.

Yes, he could 'get away with it' ie not get charged etc but that's irrelevant to you leaving and starting a new life without him.

Who cares what he thinks / what other people think??

You just need to get away and start again - and there's a lot of help listed in posts above so please do make the changes you need to

I believe you.

If one of my siblings told me this I would move heaven and earth to get them somewhere safe. It would make no difference how long it had been since I spoke to them or anything like that.

I would lay money on them being worried about you because of your partner and that's why he has a problem with them.

The services (social/police etc) are your friends here. X

Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement and comfort. I managed to call the women aid in my local area that I was give the number to by DS learning mentor. I spoke to them for about 5mins before DS1 shouted he needed a poo and we were 20 mins away from home. I told the lady I will call her back but haven't been in a safe place since to call back. From the brief conversation I had, she mentioned that if I'd seek refuge then they may not place me near my child's school, due to space in refuge and also if it's a risk that dad will turn up at the school then DC will have to go to a school elsewhere. She said as DS1 is 6 he will be seen as old enough to adapt to change, but DS1 has ASD and DS2 is only a year old however. I was also told it could be anywhere in the country. She asked about whether I might consider other support in the form of someone coming to the house and speaking to us both, now this I just couldn't comprehend. I'm quite baffled by it all. I just got the impression that they would rather have you at home as there isn't enough space in the refuges.

Can anyone with with knowledge and experience explain a little more please if possible

Also thank you for believing me

@Mk1234 well done on taking this step. Have you managed to call them back yet?

Is there a way you could take the children and go to your older brother (or get him to collect you all) - would he support you in going to the police and reporting the abuse?