Thinking about someone else during sex.

TreeTopple · 2024-08-26T08:16:59+00:00

Is this awful? Been with DH for over a decade and very happy. We've been rewatching a series together from years ago and there's a guy I had a huge crush on first time round and seems it's still there. Was with DH twice in last week and first time this guy kept creeping into my mind and I shook it off but last night I just went with it. Is that awful? He's not a real guy in our lives though I think if DH told me he did the same I'd be sad :(

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 26/08/2024 09:26

If I had £1 for everyone (of any gender) who did NOT think of someone else during sex at some time or the other, I wouldn't have enough to buy a packet of crisps.

(And we're not talking expensive gourmet crisps here.)

Original poster

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 09:31

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 26/08/2024 09:26

If I had £1 for everyone (of any gender) who did NOT think of someone else during sex at some time or the other, I wouldn't have enough to buy a packet of crisps.

(And we're not talking expensive gourmet crisps here.)

🤣

OP posts:

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 10:06

Well I understand that this is supposed to be common.But I find it sad.

Sex is a way of connecting with the person you are supposed to love. And if a person is thinking about a third party whilst supposedly connecting with their loved partner it says to me there is something lacking in the relationship, even if it's purely to do with lack of enjoyment of the physical act.

I was actually reading a post on Reddit last night. A woman saying on a couple of occasions while they were having sex her boyfriend took his phone out and was watching porn whilst actually doing the deed with her. The woman was asking if this was normal. I found the disrespect of this truly horrendous and appalling.
Thinking about someone else during sex is nowhere near that level of disrespect but I still find it very sad.

SweetShreddedCoconut · 26/08/2024 10:06

I would say that most men do it and the majority of women too . It's called safe sex 😂 as you are cheating but only in your mind . As long as it stays in the mind and never discussed it's harmless .

Original poster

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 10:11

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 10:06

Well I understand that this is supposed to be common.But I find it sad.

Sex is a way of connecting with the person you are supposed to love. And if a person is thinking about a third party whilst supposedly connecting with their loved partner it says to me there is something lacking in the relationship, even if it's purely to do with lack of enjoyment of the physical act.

I was actually reading a post on Reddit last night. A woman saying on a couple of occasions while they were having sex her boyfriend took his phone out and was watching porn whilst actually doing the deed with her. The woman was asking if this was normal. I found the disrespect of this truly horrendous and appalling.
Thinking about someone else during sex is nowhere near that level of disrespect but I still find it very sad.

I don't think that's the same thing at all?

We've been together 13 years and this is the first time my mind has wandered.
I would never cheat.

OP posts:

Original poster

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 10:12

That's a very porn sick/addicted man. I don't watch porn at all.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 26/08/2024 10:24

It's totally fine, it will probably just wear off over time, but even if it doesn't there are no mind police fortunately. People do it, but partners are never to know so keep Schtum, as you know you wouldn't want to know either. Don't go asking if he ever does as some people are misguided in thinking honesty is always the best policy, when it's clearly not.

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 10:33

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 10:11

I don't think that's the same thing at all?

We've been together 13 years and this is the first time my mind has wandered.
I would never cheat.

Show quote history

Well I'm not saying watching porn while you have sex is the same thing , on a same level, as thinking of another man.
But in both cases if you are not thinking about the person you are actually having sex with you are reducing the sex act to just that: a physical act. You are taking the emotional connection with your partner out of it.
If you are happy with that then go for it.
I prefer to sex as an emotional as well as physical connection.

Dery · 26/08/2024 10:42

@TreeTopple - okay so one poster thinks it’s sad.

Personally, I think it’s absolutely fine. I spend plenty of time connecting with my DH and enjoy sex with him but - speaking very frankly and sorry for TMI - I find some juicy fantasy is generally what I need to tip me into orgasm.

A friend told me of a guru who said that you should only ever have sex with someone in whom you’re fully absorbed and never thinking of anyone else while you’re having sex. This same guru was never married but had a string of female lovers. I’m seeing a connection there.

My Secret Garden is all about female fantasy and Gillian Anderson has just released a new book on the same lines. It’s fine. But no need to share it with your DH.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2024 10:55

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 10:06

Well I understand that this is supposed to be common.But I find it sad.

Sex is a way of connecting with the person you are supposed to love. And if a person is thinking about a third party whilst supposedly connecting with their loved partner it says to me there is something lacking in the relationship, even if it's purely to do with lack of enjoyment of the physical act.

I was actually reading a post on Reddit last night. A woman saying on a couple of occasions while they were having sex her boyfriend took his phone out and was watching porn whilst actually doing the deed with her. The woman was asking if this was normal. I found the disrespect of this truly horrendous and appalling.
Thinking about someone else during sex is nowhere near that level of disrespect but I still find it very sad.

How on earth are those two things in any way comparable?

I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasising occasionally while having sex @TreeTopple . If you start doing it every time, or need it to get aroused, then I'd say you have a problem, but every once in a while, I'd say you're fine.

Hell, I'd go as far as saying talk to your husband about it (outside of the bedroom), he might be up for a bit of roleplay.

BettyBardMacDonald · 26/08/2024 10:56

It's perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.

We aren't made to be monogamous for decades on end. Spicing things up in the privacy of your mind is harmless.

Not every sex act is some sacred emotional connection with your partner. That's an unreasonably high bar.

(Just don't holler the wrong name aloud!🤣)

Dery · 26/08/2024 11:03

@BettyBardMacDonald - fabulously put! Especially this:

“We aren't made to be monogamous for decades on end. Spicing things up in the privacy of your mind is harmless.

Not every sex act is some sacred emotional connection with your partner. That's an unreasonably high bar.”

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 11:04

Well tbh the OP asked if it was " awful" if she thought of another man while having sex with her DH.

I gave my opinion that it is sad. It's not something I'd be comfortable doing myself. I certainly never said it was awful though I did give an example of where, taken to its extreme, I do feel it's awful.

But I also acknowledged a lot of people nothing of other people during sex.

And to be clear nobody owns another person's mind. Nobody should be telling another person what to think. She can think what she likes during sex.

I actually don't know why OP is asking for validation from the Internet. Obviously people have different views on this. She is an adult and she must be able to judge whether this is something she wants to do or whether she feels uncomfortable with it. There is no right and wrong.

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 11:06

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2024 10:55

How on earth are those two things in any way comparable?

I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasising occasionally while having sex @TreeTopple . If you start doing it every time, or need it to get aroused, then I'd say you have a problem, but every once in a while, I'd say you're fine.

Hell, I'd go as far as saying talk to your husband about it (outside of the bedroom), he might be up for a bit of roleplay.

Show quote history

They are comparable because in both cases the person is not thinking about the person they are having sex with.

SummerSplashing · 26/08/2024 11:15

@TreeTopple

DO NOT tell your DH. You don't have to tell him every thought that passes through your head! It'll only make him unhappy & insecure.

if you want to 'role play' you can bring this up without discussing your fantasy man!

don't ask him if he does it, you'll either be hurt or lied to!

it's fine to do occasionally, but I'd be unhappy if I couldn't just enjoy it with my DH, without this added element.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 11:27

Onthefinalstretch · 26/08/2024 10:06

Well I understand that this is supposed to be common.But I find it sad.

Sex is a way of connecting with the person you are supposed to love. And if a person is thinking about a third party whilst supposedly connecting with their loved partner it says to me there is something lacking in the relationship, even if it's purely to do with lack of enjoyment of the physical act.

I was actually reading a post on Reddit last night. A woman saying on a couple of occasions while they were having sex her boyfriend took his phone out and was watching porn whilst actually doing the deed with her. The woman was asking if this was normal. I found the disrespect of this truly horrendous and appalling.
Thinking about someone else during sex is nowhere near that level of disrespect but I still find it very sad.

I completely agree with this.

I've never thought about someone else during sex. Ever.

Dery · 26/08/2024 11:56

@TreeTopple - as is always the case: there is no single answer to your question. Some people think it’s sad that you think about someone else during sex with your H. Some people (me included) think it’s absolutely fine.

Dery · 26/08/2024 12:03

PS FWIW I remain completely comfortable with the fact that a bit of fantasy enhances my experience despite it not being something everyone would be comfortable with. However, these are my private fantasies and i wouldn’t share them with DH or anyone else.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 12:12

It's not something I've ever discussed in a relationship precisely because I don't want to know. But I think I'd feel very used if i knew someone was having sex with me because I was there but not the person they wanted to be having sex with at that moment.

You're just a body at that point and could be anyone.

newleafontheplantjohn · 26/08/2024 12:16

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 26/08/2024 09:26

If I had £1 for everyone (of any gender) who did NOT think of someone else during sex at some time or the other, I wouldn't have enough to buy a packet of crisps.

(And we're not talking expensive gourmet crisps here.)

Really?

I don't think I've ever done this.

I'm not really thinking of anything during it.

Maybe I'm in the minority.

00BonneMaman00 · 26/08/2024 12:22

It's not ok. Imo.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 12:26

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 26/08/2024 09:26

If I had £1 for everyone (of any gender) who did NOT think of someone else during sex at some time or the other, I wouldn't have enough to buy a packet of crisps.

(And we're not talking expensive gourmet crisps here.)

How many people have you asked about this? Exactly?

Dery · 26/08/2024 12:46

“It's not something I've ever discussed in a relationship precisely because I don't want to know. But I think I'd feel very used if i knew someone was having sex with me because I was there but not the person they wanted to be having sex with at that moment.

You're just a body at that point and could be anyone.”

@GreyCarpet - I agree with you on loads of what you post but I disagree with you on this. That’s fine if course - there is rarely one single right answer to any question.

But it’s wrong to say my DH is just a body at this point. He is still the man I’m choosing and I’m still aware of him. The fact that I throw a bit of fantasy in does not prevent me remaining connected with DH or being aware that it is him I’m engaging with or that it is him giving me pleasure.

As this thread shows, fantasy is not for everyone but many of us do indulge in fantasy during sex. @TreeTopple - you may want to check out Nancy Friday’s “Secret Garden” (which I have read) or the recent Gillian Anderson book about female fantasies (which I haven’t). This might reassure you or you might decide that fantasising during sex is not for you.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 12:59

Dery · 26/08/2024 12:46

“It's not something I've ever discussed in a relationship precisely because I don't want to know. But I think I'd feel very used if i knew someone was having sex with me because I was there but not the person they wanted to be having sex with at that moment.

You're just a body at that point and could be anyone.”

@GreyCarpet - I agree with you on loads of what you post but I disagree with you on this. That’s fine if course - there is rarely one single right answer to any question.

But it’s wrong to say my DH is just a body at this point. He is still the man I’m choosing and I’m still aware of him. The fact that I throw a bit of fantasy in does not prevent me remaining connected with DH or being aware that it is him I’m engaging with or that it is him giving me pleasure.

As this thread shows, fantasy is not for everyone but many of us do indulge in fantasy during sex. @TreeTopple - you may want to check out Nancy Friday’s “Secret Garden” (which I have read) or the recent Gillian Anderson book about female fantasies (which I haven’t). This might reassure you or you might decide that fantasising during sex is not for you.

Edited

Haha, likewise!

Obviously, everyone is different in a multitude of ways. Ove no doubt that past experiences have informed my thoughts on this because it does seem to be accepted and expected in many relationships.

I wasn't really suggesting that other people were doing it for those eaon either (preferring to be with someone else) but it how how I would feel.

Builtforspeednotcomfort · 26/08/2024 13:11

I don't think your cheating and if spices things up, carry on and enjoy. Though maybe don't mention this to your husband!