Page 2 | Thinking about someone else during sex.

Dery · 26/08/2024 13:13

Understood, @GreyCarpet. And OP is clearly uneasy about it so perhaps that’s how it feels to her also

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 13:26

I suppose part of is, in my mind, that it feels deceitful.

Otherwise, the advice wouldn't be, "Yeah, it's fine to do it, everyone does. Just don't tell him because he'd be hurt."

If it were truly harmless because everyone did it, there'd be no need to keep it secret.

If it would make him uncomfortable or less inclined to have sex with her, I can't really see how it's different to any other sort of deceit during/for sex. Eg men who will tell women what they want to hear to get them into bed.

But that's just how it feels to me.

SweetShreddedCoconut · 26/08/2024 13:28

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 13:26

I suppose part of is, in my mind, that it feels deceitful.

Otherwise, the advice wouldn't be, "Yeah, it's fine to do it, everyone does. Just don't tell him because he'd be hurt."

If it were truly harmless because everyone did it, there'd be no need to keep it secret.

If it would make him uncomfortable or less inclined to have sex with her, I can't really see how it's different to any other sort of deceit during/for sex. Eg men who will tell women what they want to hear to get them into bed.

But that's just how it feels to me.

Edited

Be sure if you are using your imagination your partner is too ! Just keep it to yourself and there should be no problem,

SweetShreddedCoconut · 26/08/2024 13:30

Plus I think if you get pleasure from it pleases your partner too to see you turned on so win win .

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 26/08/2024 13:49

As you said OP, if he told you the same you "would be sad"... This is an EXTREMELY good reason not to upset the love of your life with some untimely visions of a movie star. It is a fantasy based on an actor that you used to crush on. Your mind has been reminded of him is all.
There is nothing for you to stress about really because you love your DH. In reality, if this movie guy turned up at your door, you would (guessing from your post) choose your husband over him. You are feeling guilt BECAUSE you love your husband so much and this actor popped into your head.
The mind stores memories and so, if you previously thought sexually about that actor, pound a penny watching the movies again will encourage the brain to remember.
This does not make you a bad person. 🌼

DeidreRasheed · 26/08/2024 14:19

Disgusting, like me thinking of our Ken when Samir is tapping it.

Dery · 26/08/2024 15:14

@GreyCarpet - that’s an interesting point. I don’t think of it as deceitful though. I could tell my DH my fantasies. He wouldn’t be hurt. But I don’t because they are private and personal to me. I don’t want to discuss them or act them out so there is no need to share them.

Original poster

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 15:18

DeidreRasheed · 26/08/2024 14:19

Disgusting, like me thinking of our Ken when Samir is tapping it.

🤣

OP posts:

H112 · 26/08/2024 23:22

Completely normal and not your fault at all op different if it was your post man lol 🤣🤣

Perpetuallydaisy · 26/08/2024 23:30

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 11:27

I completely agree with this.

I've never thought about someone else during sex. Ever.

Show quote history

Me too, except once twenty six years ago and it was a clear sign something wasn't clicking in that relationship.

I get that a re-emergence of a crush would be difficult to keep out if one's mind, though. I think I'd need to find ways to reconnect with my partner, physically, if that happened to me.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/08/2024 06:38

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2024 13:26

I suppose part of is, in my mind, that it feels deceitful.

Otherwise, the advice wouldn't be, "Yeah, it's fine to do it, everyone does. Just don't tell him because he'd be hurt."

If it were truly harmless because everyone did it, there'd be no need to keep it secret.

If it would make him uncomfortable or less inclined to have sex with her, I can't really see how it's different to any other sort of deceit during/for sex. Eg men who will tell women what they want to hear to get them into bed.

But that's just how it feels to me.

Edited

Having private thoughts is not "deceitful."

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2024 10:24

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/08/2024 06:38

Having private thoughts is not "deceitful."

Show quote history

What if the other person wouldn't want to have sex with you if they knew you were thinking of someone else while you did it?

A pp said the partner benefits if you're feeling turned on because you're imagining you're with someone else.

Personally, I think that is deceitful. That person believes you are with them and want to be with them. If someone is only 'so turned on' because they are thinking of someone else but the person you are with believes it is because you are turned on by them - that is deceitful.

Or be honest. Tell them that you love them but are more sexually aroused by someone who isn't them.

If your fantasy is imagining a different scenario to being in your shared bed in Sunday afternoon that's fine but I think once it involves another person it's crossed a line.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/08/2024 14:05

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2024 10:24

What if the other person wouldn't want to have sex with you if they knew you were thinking of someone else while you did it?

A pp said the partner benefits if you're feeling turned on because you're imagining you're with someone else.

Personally, I think that is deceitful. That person believes you are with them and want to be with them. If someone is only 'so turned on' because they are thinking of someone else but the person you are with believes it is because you are turned on by them - that is deceitful.

Or be honest. Tell them that you love them but are more sexually aroused by someone who isn't them.

If your fantasy is imagining a different scenario to being in your shared bed in Sunday afternoon that's fine but I think once it involves another person it's crossed a line.

Show quote history

You can't police what someone else is thinking.

DP once suddenly mentioned something that had popped into her head about our kitchen renovation while we were mid-sex. I'd definitely prefer she'd not been thinking about the kitchen at that point, didn't do much for my ego, even if her idea did save us about 500 quid!

At the end of the day, you can never know what's going on in someone's head, and you have to accept that.

SweetShreddedCoconut · 27/08/2024 15:28

After a while sex with the same person gets a little too familiar. Just because you live someone it doesn't stop you noticing other attractive people . I'm willing to bet my house that most men in a long term relationship have thought about other women who they know either in work or socially, and what it would be like to fuck them and they use these thoughts to spice up sex . A lot of women do it too . As long as it stays in the mind then no harm done . Anyone with an ounce of common sense would keep their mouth shut.

It's the old joke : Wife - are you coming to bed darling . Husband - Yes , just give me time to think of somebody .

AnotherVice · 27/08/2024 16:00

Well this is a timely thread for me. Having previously had a 'don't ask, don't tell' stance on porn use, I recently accidentally discovered what dp had been looking at. After a lot of thinking, what upsets me isn't him using it when I'm not there but that he's probably thinking about it when we have sex. I thought we had such a great sex life but now I feel used and fear this may be the end of us, very sadly.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2024 17:15

SweetShreddedCoconut · 27/08/2024 15:28

After a while sex with the same person gets a little too familiar. Just because you live someone it doesn't stop you noticing other attractive people . I'm willing to bet my house that most men in a long term relationship have thought about other women who they know either in work or socially, and what it would be like to fuck them and they use these thoughts to spice up sex . A lot of women do it too . As long as it stays in the mind then no harm done . Anyone with an ounce of common sense would keep their mouth shut.

It's the old joke : Wife - are you coming to bed darling . Husband - Yes , just give me time to think of somebody .

I agree that it's normal to think a about that. I know exactly which of my partner's friend's would/wouldn't be in with a chance if i/they were single 😆

But I still think I'd be crossing a huge line if I suddenly started thinking of one of his friends during sex.

It's the old joke : Wife - are you coming to bed darling . Husband - Yes , just give me time to think of somebody

Ah, yes, old misogynistic 'er indoors/my wife is old, fat and ugly type jokes... yes absolutely they should form the basis for a relationship model.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2024 17:18

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/08/2024 14:05

You can't police what someone else is thinking.

DP once suddenly mentioned something that had popped into her head about our kitchen renovation while we were mid-sex. I'd definitely prefer she'd not been thinking about the kitchen at that point, didn't do much for my ego, even if her idea did save us about 500 quid!

At the end of the day, you can never know what's going on in someone's head, and you have to accept that.

Show quote history

That is true. It can't be policed. But I still have an opinion on it and it's not something I'd do myself for the reasons I've given.

But that's my boundary because it would feel wrong to me.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 27/08/2024 18:02

DeidreRasheed · 26/08/2024 14:19

Disgusting, like me thinking of our Ken when Samir is tapping it.

lol best comment

AnotherVice · 30/08/2024 04:18

@GreyCarpet I think we feel similarly on this. How have you managed to reconcile your thoughts on this in your relationship/s, if you don't mind me asking?

PansyPolly · 30/08/2024 05:23

I think this is completely fine.

JaninaDuszejko · 30/08/2024 05:39

AnotherVice · 27/08/2024 16:00

Well this is a timely thread for me. Having previously had a 'don't ask, don't tell' stance on porn use, I recently accidentally discovered what dp had been looking at. After a lot of thinking, what upsets me isn't him using it when I'm not there but that he's probably thinking about it when we have sex. I thought we had such a great sex life but now I feel used and fear this may be the end of us, very sadly.

See what would concern me about porn use would be that he was knowingly watching the very real exploitation and rape of vulnerable young trafficked girls as entertainment.

napody · 30/08/2024 05:46

I wasn't a big fan John Bishop's stand-up, but I really liked one bit where he amiably shrugged and said he'd been married for many years, so OF COURSE he's pretended to be every member of Take That in bed for his wife at some stage or other 😆I don't think many men see it the same way though, so I'd keep it to yourself OP!

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2024 10:18

AnotherVice · 30/08/2024 04:18

@GreyCarpet I think we feel similarly on this. How have you managed to reconcile your thoughts on this in your relationship/s, if you don't mind me asking?

I just try not to think about it.

There's no point talking about it - if he denies it, I'll assume he's just not being honest as per the advice on here and if he says he does it, it would be over or at least the sex would be!

If he denies it and is being honest, how will I ever know for sure?

And that's the thing, you'd never know for sure.

So just put it out of your mind. There isn't really an alternative if everything else is good.

ThisChic · 11/04/2025 22:30

SweetShreddedCoconut · 26/08/2024 10:06

I would say that most men do it and the majority of women too . It's called safe sex 😂 as you are cheating but only in your mind . As long as it stays in the mind and never discussed it's harmless .

Every time they sleep with their partner? Ugh.

I'd rather not just sleep with the man at all and tell him to go and w@nk off to whatever photo/video he wants instead...

SaraSunny · 11/04/2025 23:51

TreeTopple · 26/08/2024 09:16

Is this awful?
Been with DH for over a decade and very happy.
We've been rewatching a series together from years ago and there's a guy I had a huge crush on first time round and seems it's still there.
Was with DH twice in last week and first time this guy kept creeping into my mind and I shook it off but last night I just went with it.
Is that awful? He's not a real guy in our lives though I think if DH told me he did the same I'd be sad :(

You are always going to get mixed answers in reply to this question.

Personally, I would say it is merely a fantasy.

If it's spicing up your love life for you, enjoy!