Feeling confused - should I get back with exDH?

[Coffeeroses]

Just feeling so conflicted.

I separated from exDH 6 months ago. We'd been married for over 20 years and have 2 teen dc. He'd struggled with mental health problems throughout the whole relationship and the last 5 or so years it was awful - he was extremely anxious, depressed, couldn't work, and was always angry. I think how he was towards me was emotional abuse - gaslighting, giving me the silent treatment etc. He told me he wasn't attracted to me any more (we hadn't had sex for about 3 years), and didn't love me.

Since we've been separated we've both had ups and downs, but in general I would say he seems better eg less stressed. Although he can still be moody or passive aggressive. He can be caring and nice to me too, which i find confusing.

He says he isn't interested in meeting anyone, and to be honest I feel like he doesn't have the motivation. He is quite happy just to potter around and really looks forward to when he has the dc.

I met a guy through work about a year ago. Nothing happened initially as obviously I was still with my ex, but when my ex moved out, we started seeing each other. The chemistry was amazing, we got on so well and seemed really compatible. But a couple of months into it I started to get cold feet and pulled back a bit. I was just feeling that I had too much on my plate and couldn't handle a new relationship. But I really missed him, so contacted him again recently only to find out that he is now with someone else. I felt really upset and rejected when I found out.

I feel like my head is so messed up at the moment. I went to dinner at my ex's house last night with the dc, and my ex seemed nice and I was even thinking - could we get back together? My ds was talking nostalgically about the past and I know it's been so hard for the dc, and they would love it if we got back together. My ex loves the dc and is a good dad. I must admit I have been feeling really lonely and thinking it would be so nice to have someone to give me a hug, watch a film with, or go out for a coffee with. But equally I don't feel ready for a new relationship. It would be so much more convenient if I was with my ex, for the whole family's sake, rather than having to find a new guy to fit in to everything.

Also the experience with the other guy made me realise that no one is perfect. He and I had a lot of chemistry, and he was very emotionally open, but he had no money and was quite opinionated.

I just feel really confused about everything.

Absolutely do not get back with your xh. You described your relationship as "awful" prior to splitting - the reason things are less awful is the fact you are no longer together. You are feeling lonely and a bit sad and lost - that's very normal post divorce. Go back to basics - work on you a bit, find hobbies, friends, build a life that doesn't need a man for validation, then find one if you still want to, but for the right reasons.

Give your head a HUGE wobble! This is a terrible idea. Your exH hasn’t changed you are just feeling a bit lonely. You’d get back together and a month down the line you’d be back to square one and feeling terrible that the kids are delighted you reunited but you are even more miserable than before! Spend less time with your ex, start building a life of your own, maybe date casually but from this it sounds you are at high risk of falling foul of love bombers and abusers so tread carefully until you’ve really worked on your boundaries and standards. Look up the dating shark cage. Go on a mini break alone… live, free from your ex, and enjoy it!!! Nothing good ever comes from self doubt and a return to a previously bad relationship.

You are grieving your lost relationship with your DH and also hurt by the fact the new guy has moved on. But you left your husband for very good reasons and you aren’t yet ready for a new relationship. Enjoy your friends. Enjoy your hobbies.. Enjoy your teen children. Enjoy the peace in living alone. Stop pressurising yourself to find a replacement man and concentrate instead on your relationship with yourself. Maybe a course of psychotherapy if you can afford it. Good luck.

Don't do it. He has not miraculously transformed into a different person. You said he was abusive. Abusers in particular do not change.
You're feeling lonely and blue and looking for a fix for it. This is not the way. Ride these feelings out. Don't look for a way to squelch them with fantasies about how it could be with ex.
I would suggest you stop having dinners with him or seeing him at all, since it appears he is trying to manipulate you into coming back. Don't fall into the trap.

You are lonely - so lonely you are considering getting back into a relationship you literally describe as ‘awful’. You jumped into a new relationship without allowing yourself time to process and heal from your old one. Not surprisingly that didn’t work out, Are you really so desperate for a relationship you’d go back into a relationship with a man you describe as abusive?

I’d suggest stepping back, learn to be with yourself, and heal. Once you have done that then ‘maybe’ consider a new relationship, but one that actually makes you happy.

Give yourself time to adjust and move on. You’re grieving the good parts but forgetting the bad. Theres a reason you split up, and after twenty years marriage, can’t of been easy. You’ve been brave enough and strong enough to make the move, so go forwards, not backwards.

No, don't do it. Six months is no time at all. You need to be on your own for a while to heal from the trauma of ex's behaviour and to work out who you are after being in such a long relationship.

Just because something is familiar, it doesn't mean it is good for you. Please get help to deal with the abuse. I had help from Women's Aid after my long, abusive marriage. It was a revelation, things had been so much worse than I realised and that really made me think about what I wanted in my life. Seven years on now and life is great and I am really happy.

@Makelikeatreeandleaf yes that's true that things are less awful because we're no longer together! I am only seeing a filtered version of him at the moment, rather than the whole package!

@SpringleDingle I'm sure you're right that things would just be the same if I got back with him. I've just looked up the shark cage analogy - it's very interesting, thank you!

@XChrome Yes I think I am seeing too much of him before I have healed from everything. He came to drop something round to the house yesterday and saw that I was feeling down, and so invited me for dinner as he has the dc staying at his at the moment. That's what I mean by feeling confused, he can sometimes seem kind and caring, but then equally I know he has another side to him.

Hmmm, I ponder whether you are possibly doing what many of us do when alone and wondering/a bit afraid whether you will always be so? You left your DH for reasons however, and it would serve you well to remember those reasons.
You met someone else once and you can again. Be happy and stay clear from repeating mistakes. All the best.🌺

@FolkestoneMassive I think I have withdrawn a bit from friends recently. I just feel like everyone I know is married or in a partnership, I know that shouldn't make a difference but I feel like the dynamics of some of my friendships have changed recently, as their family life is much different than how mine is now. When I last went out with a couple of my friends it was almost a bit awkward at one point as they were both talking about doing stuff with their husbands and going on family outings etc, then it was like they suddenly realised that it wasn't the same for me now and then quickly changed the subject. (Not that I minded hearing about all that!)

I feel like I've gone really quiet and don't have anything to say to anyone.

That's a good idea to look at hobbies though, I don't actually have any. I seem to have spent the last 20 years focussing on the dc, the marriage, work, house and garden. I don't even know what I like any more. So maybe I need to look into starting some - I have more time now.

@redtrain123 that's a good reminder that I'm grieving the good parts of the relationship and forgetting the bad!

Another vote for do not get back with him

@unsync I will look at Women's Aid. I really think I need to clarify my thoughts on whether or not it was an abusive relationship. I always found it very confusing as my ex had always struggled with his mental health, and I know that can make people behave in abusive ways. So I always forgave him as i felt sorry for him that he was struggling. And he used to say that I was too sensitive, so it's hard for me to know if it was me, him, or just our dynamic. At the time I did contact a woman's charity and told them what it was like and they said it did sound like abuse.

I just find it difficult to get my head round the fact that he is nice and caring to the dc (although things often have to be on his terms) and sometimes caring to me, and then I start questioning myself.

I know I really need to make sense of this before I get into another relationship.

@Ivegotaboneinmyleg yes I do feel worried that I'll always be alone. I never used to be someone who always wanted/needed a relationship - I was single for a lot of my twenties and really enjoyed it!

So I don't know why I suddenly feel like I want a man in my life. It's like I feel I'm craving positive male attention and care, as I had so little of it in my marriage. I also think it's different as you get older, as most people seem to be in couples or in families so it's a different stage of life.

He's likely better off alone. That's why he seems better now that you're not together. If you get back together, he'd relapse into the same stressed, depressed, angry person. It won't work.

It's not you though, it's him.

You need to find someone you're compatible with and someone who's rejuvenated with you instead of without you; Someone who cares about you, is attracted to you and loves you. Don't fall back into the 'safety net' of "I'd rather be with someone wrong for me than alone". It's not good for your physical and mental health.

I think you’re experiencing that thing where you have the initial elation of leaving and feeling like the world’s your oyster and then reality sets in a bit, you realise dating at our age is quite difficult and it feels impossible to meet anyone that will fit in with your life, dc and be a good man. And feel lonely.
I've been there too but it was 100% right for me to leave and it sounds like it was for you too.
I think you need to learn to be happy on your own and then when you’re ready try dating again.

You both sound happier apart and that happiness is what you’re finding attractive in each other. It’s confusing especially as your relationship now sounds idyllic but I think it would dissipate very quickly if you got back together.

Keep having fun with your new man and reframe exDH as a great friend and co-parent.

@Coffeeroses Try not to overthink things as you can just go round in circles. Whatever the reality of his situation, he chose to treat you badly, this is evidenced by him treating your dc well.

It's time to focus on you now. We give so much of ourselves to others that we forget we need to nurture our own wellbeing too. You are worth the investment. 💐

Yes, some good advice here (apart from the poster who clearly has not paid attention to where you say the new man has moved on!).
I think it is probably helpful to unpick the issues.

first and foremost, as others have said, you left your marriage for a reason. It is probably not a good idea to spend time with your ex-DH as a family until you have your head straight that you have done the right thing. Keep contact to necessary exchanges for now.

Secondly, try not to withdraw from your friends. Yes, the dynamic is a bit different, but maybe just acknowledge that. When you separate, there is quite a pressure to get into a new relationship and that can cloud your judgement. You need to get used to being a single person, and part of that is owning it among others. With your friends, maybe it even needs to be explicit that they can still talk to you about husbands and families! Please do not be ashamed of not having a husband and husband activities to talk about. There is still plenty you can contribute to friendships. But yes, dynamics can change when you separate and friends and family are still in couples which is why the next point is important.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I think is the bit about not having hobbies etc after 20 years of looking after your family. This to me speaks a bit to the heart of the problem, you don’t know who you are anymore. The thing about getting back together with DH is that you know what that is like and it gives you an identity. The problem is that at some point and no doubt with lots of thought, you already decided that being with him was not good for you. So do you really need to learn that anew? If you go back, what will have changed? Going back is, however, potentially easier in the short term than working out who you are, what you like to do, and what your life looks like without him in it and with the time when DC are with him. Because it is that last point which is the challenge.

I think this challenge comes anyway to an extent as DC grow up. I have actually been single for eleven years now as the primary carer for DC and with a full-time job. There has been no time for the ‘who am I and what do I want to do’ questions, I have just got on with it. But now I am looking around thinking, okay, where do I start with me now? You are only six months out of your marriage. It is still very raw. I am not saying wait eleven years - your DC are already older and it sounds like your ex has them as well so you have a bit more time - but I am saying focus on yourself for a bit and let things settle down. Think about what is important for you, and yes, if it would help, get some counselling. But I would put yourself first for a while, even if being alone is uncomfortable. You would not have had the time to do this with the new man and I do think it is important when coming out of a marriage or other such long or deep relationship,

My late dh had mental health problems. I often felt in our later years together that he would have done much better living separately from us - a quiet place where he could do the things he needed to do to stay stable, with regular visits from ds and I. Living together was a lot for him - and because he was so ill it was a lot for us too.

Could you try looking at the current situation as an evolution of your relationship? You'd reached the point where living together was actively damaging and no longer a partnership - no sex, lots of anger and pain. But now, you have a co-parenting partnership that is stable and operating really well.

After dh died I went into therapy partly to manage the shock and grief, but explicitly to stop myself trying to shut down the feelings of loss by going into another relationship for a while. You were married for 20 years amd some of it was very painful. If you possibly can, get some support with really living your new life. It may be hard, but there is some space and freedom now too. Make contact with friends and family that care about you, listen to music or experience art that speaks to you, care for your body in sexual or non-sexual ways (swimming? Running? Massage? Sleep??) Just leave relationships alone for a while.

I think how he was towards me was emotional abuse - gaslighting, giving me the silent treatment etc. He told me he wasn't attracted to me any more (we hadn't had sex for about 3 years), and didn't love me.

Of course you should not go back to him.

OP, you have only been separated 6 months. It’s a tough time but you will get through it. You don’t need the perfect man to charge up in his steed and rescue you - it won’t happen like that and it will stand you in far better stead to bit by bit find out how strong and self sufficient you really are.

There are other single women out there to be friends with. Join a class or a community group, keep focussed on other things. Stay away from dating for a good while.

An amicable-enough communication with your ex is all that is needed. Stop going for dinner!

Don't do it.

tempting as it is, and I do understand!! Things would be back to being the same in no time. You've escaped it once, you wouldn't want to upset the kids doing it again, so you'd stay & live out your life miserable except for the small crumb every now & then.

its a shame, in a way, it didn't work out with the other guy, but to be honest, a blessing in disguise. Now you can just be you! Figure out who you are at this stage of your life. There's no doubt it's hard when all your friends are coupled up.

personally I wouldn't waste a lot of time working out whether he was abusive or not, for ME his MH would mean I'd forgive him anyway (at a distance) & just accept he my kids Dad & move forward. But that's me, you do what's right for you. But don't be pushed into analysing it if you don't want to.

it's hard when you love someone & they're in a 'caring/loving/kind' space, to accept it couldn't be like this, but you have to be strong KNOWING it would just go back, very quickly!!

A friend of mine went back to her ex last year after a few years apart. It has recently all come crashing down again. All the reasons she left him in the first place are still there. Seeing him for evenings or a weekend away went well but when they started spending more time together it fell apart.