Feeling confused - should I get back with exDH?

[Coffeeroses]

Just feeling so conflicted.

I separated from exDH 6 months ago. We'd been married for over 20 years and have 2 teen dc. He'd struggled with mental health problems throughout the whole relationship and the last 5 or so years it was awful - he was extremely anxious, depressed, couldn't work, and was always angry. I think how he was towards me was emotional abuse - gaslighting, giving me the silent treatment etc. He told me he wasn't attracted to me any more (we hadn't had sex for about 3 years), and didn't love me.

Since we've been separated we've both had ups and downs, but in general I would say he seems better eg less stressed. Although he can still be moody or passive aggressive. He can be caring and nice to me too, which i find confusing.

He says he isn't interested in meeting anyone, and to be honest I feel like he doesn't have the motivation. He is quite happy just to potter around and really looks forward to when he has the dc.

I met a guy through work about a year ago. Nothing happened initially as obviously I was still with my ex, but when my ex moved out, we started seeing each other. The chemistry was amazing, we got on so well and seemed really compatible. But a couple of months into it I started to get cold feet and pulled back a bit. I was just feeling that I had too much on my plate and couldn't handle a new relationship. But I really missed him, so contacted him again recently only to find out that he is now with someone else. I felt really upset and rejected when I found out.

I feel like my head is so messed up at the moment. I went to dinner at my ex's house last night with the dc, and my ex seemed nice and I was even thinking - could we get back together? My ds was talking nostalgically about the past and I know it's been so hard for the dc, and they would love it if we got back together. My ex loves the dc and is a good dad. I must admit I have been feeling really lonely and thinking it would be so nice to have someone to give me a hug, watch a film with, or go out for a coffee with. But equally I don't feel ready for a new relationship. It would be so much more convenient if I was with my ex, for the whole family's sake, rather than having to find a new guy to fit in to everything.

Also the experience with the other guy made me realise that no one is perfect. He and I had a lot of chemistry, and he was very emotionally open, but he had no money and was quite opinionated.

I just feel really confused about everything.

I totally understand this as it's a fear of being lonely in later life/left on the shelf. It is something generally more common as we age. Also, you have a draw as there was always a dream once with your ExDH...it didn't work out though...Remember, it is better to be by yourself than unhappy. Stay strong and look for ways to be sociable - join clubs etc.
I wish you the very best. 🏵

It sounds as though your current situation is good: he sees the children and is a good father to them and he is more relaxed now with you two living apart. It may be that this is a good compromise. It may be the best way forward for you both. Maybe you can function as cooperative friends, and this will be good for the children.
Living together as a couple was not working for either of you. It might be worth writing a list of why you left so you can look at it now and again when you are feeling confused.
Accept this new normal and see what life brings. I do understand the loss of someone to have a hug with or to watch a film with - I am widowed - but in your case you do not want to return to all the things that made your life "awful" before.

You probably got involved with that guy before you were ready to start dating again. Sometimes we don’t know if we are ready or not until we try. I’m guessing that experience might have given you cold feet about trying again at some point with someone new.

I wouldn’t go back to your ex based on that, or if you think it would be easiest for everyone. I think you’d end up leaving all over again.

Stay on good terms, draw back from the family dinners and think about what you really want

@User364837 "I think you’re experiencing that thing where you have the initial elation of leaving and feeling like the world’s your oyster and then reality sets in a bit, you realise dating at our age is quite difficult and it feels impossible to meet anyone that will fit in with your life, dc and be a good man. And feel lonely."

This is exactly it! When he first moved out I felt on a bit of a high - I felt free, and like you say, the world was my oyster! But now it doesn't feel like that. I am definitely realising how difficult it may be to find a man who can fit in with my life, what with the dc, work etc. It's not at all the same as dating when we were younger. It basically feels impossible. But as many PPs have said, I think I need to focus on myself and the dc for right now.

@Talulahalula "This to me speaks a bit to the heart of the problem, you don’t know who you are anymore. The thing about getting back together with DH is that you know what that is like and it gives you an identity."

Your post resonated with me particularly the bit above! Yes, it does give me an identity if I got back with DH - being a wife, and part of the family unit. That's what I've been for the past 20ish years. All my time was spent focussing on the family in different ways, or the marriage.

I do really need to find my new identity as I don't know what that is at the moment. I also think being alone for now, even though it's lonely and painful at times, is what I need to do.

@PermanentTemporary That all sounds very familiar - I too feel that my ex is much better living quietly, doing what he wants to do, as it was too much for him to live in a busy family home as well as working. He doesn't work now. He gets very stressed when he feels there are "too many moving parts".

That's actually a really good way to look at it, that this situation is an evolution of the relationship, and it's working a lot better than living together was.

Thank you and I'm sorry for the loss of your DH.

Thank you so much everyone for the helpful posts and advice - they have really helped me clarify that I don't want to go back to my ex, and that I need to focus on myself for now. I'm going to come back to this thread if I have a wobble again in the future!