DH MH issues

[Camper123]

I don’t really know where to begin, sorry if this post is all over the place but trying to get my thoughts in order. DH has had serious mental health problems for a long time, but it’s got drastically worse this year. He’s taken 5 or 6 overdoses and wound up in a mental health hospital for 6 weeks.

we don’t currently live together, he hasn’t lived at home for 9 months now but we are still together, we have young DC so I’ve basically been a solo parent for 9 months now while he has the freedom to do what he wants. When I mention this to him he says he’s not free because of his MH issues and makes me feel guilty for saying that.

This all started when I told him I was leaving him, I’ve been unhappy for a while and couldn’t deal with it anymore - no affection or love, constantly winds me up but brushes it off as “banter” (something that the DC now all do to each other which I hate), his lifestyle isn’t family friendly. He does what he wants regardless of what I or the DC want to do, he puts sports and socialising before his family. I’ve been self employed for the last year but before that was a SAHM for 6 years, he doesn’t see what I do as a real job and doesn’t take it seriously. Huffs when I ask for help with childcare so that I can work. Hates me going out and socialising but will always encourage it, then something will happen so I can’t actually go or so I spend the whole time worrying about him.. ie he’ll have a breakdown, take an overdose, be in an awful mood etc etc

when I told him I was leaving he took a serious overdose and nearly died, so since then the MH issues have overtaken everything. We were separated for a month or so but I was still his carer and saw him every day so not much changed. It’s now been nearly a year since I told him I was done and nothing has changed but he blames all of these things on his MH and insists that once he’s better things will be good.

I feel like I can’t leave him because he’ll kill himself, to put it bluntly. But I’m not happy and don’t know what to do. I’m completely drained and can’t live like this anymore. Can’t really talk to friends and family about this as they all have bias opinions depending on who’s side of the relationship they’re from.

The last couple of months I’ve been putting more effort into the relationship but get absolutely nothing back from him so I don’t know where to go from here

I would definitely have to say you have a right to look after yourself and be happy. You can't be responsible for anyone else's actions and if he tries anything silly. That's emotional blackmail and not your responsibility. Life is short and you can't go on feeling drained and miserable.
It is hard when you're in these things and bystanders like myself make it sound so easy. But you are important too and if it's possible to get out then I would say do it. Best of luck and I hope you find happiness very soon.

Have you spoken with Mind and/or Women's Aid? I think it would help you to have an outside perspective on all of this.

It is not your responsibility to prevent him from taking his own life. It sounds rather like he is using it as a threat to control you, and not like he is mentally unwell and unable to cope any more for example.

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's not surprising that you feel completely trapped and in a hopeless situation. However, you need to start putting yourself and your child's wellbeing first. You are not responsible for your husband's situation or whether he chooses to live or die. He is an adult! You cannot carry that responsibility otherwise it will destroy your mental health too.
I was married to a man who had severe OCD who had no friends due to his condition as nobody was allowed on our family home, not even the children's friends. I felt trapped for a long time as we were all he had but ended up suicidal myself. I knew then that I had to leave for the children's sake. His MH issues got much worse following the separation but I and the kids could breathe easily for the first time.
I am not saying you should walk away. You're the only one that can make that decision, however everyone deserves to be happy and this relationship is not making you so and sounds as though it hasn't for a long time. You only get one chance at this and you deserve better!
Take care x

Why are you still his carer? He wants you doing everything for him and he controls you and emotionally blackmails you into doing it. You deserve a life, you need to escape him properly, he is emotionally abusive and you and your kids deserve a nice life, not one over shadowed by him.

You cannot be responsible for his mental health.

Completely agree with this poster and the others. You cannot be held responsible for his actions or trapped in this relationship because of a terrible threat that he's dangling over you.. That's not sustainable is it? He's seriously suggesting that you stay with him forever solely because leaving means he kills himself. How is that even possible - not to mention the the terrible impact growing up like that would have on the kids.

Get some help from the right agencies to make the steps to properly separate then divorce. You are not a mental health professional who can help him in the way he needs nor do you exist solely to satisfy his emotional demands. You are a person in your own right who deserves a life and to be happy.

Maybe he will really go through with it, but the changes are once he realises his threats are no longer working he'll actually stop with the suicide attempts. Also, being genuinely suicidal doesn't mean he's not also manipulative and abusive you know. He can be both. Either way, what he does is not your fault.

I speak as someone who has lost an exbf to suicide and whilst all who loved him tried to help, we knew that at the end of the day we were not to blame for his final decision. I've never once felt guilty that 'I could have done more' and changed that outcome.

End it now,he's manipulative and abusive doing this to you ,if he were serious about your relationship he would be trying his best to recover,instead he's determined to drag you down with him,your done with this and you know you need to get rid of this energy vampire ASAP, waiting on him changing now is going to be ner ending.

This all started when I told him I was leaving him

He's using his 'mental health' to control you. He may well have mental health issues but whether they are real or not he is using them to control you. That is all.

Hates me going out and socialising but will always encourage it, then something will happen so I can’t actually go or so I spend the whole time worrying about him.. ie he’ll have a breakdown, take an overdose, be in an awful mood etc etc

More control. It's about having you worrying and exhausted, constantly putting him first and yourself last and being too stressed and tired to be able to think about his behaviour with any clarity. All the stuff about banter and you feeling guilty, etc, is all to make you change your behaviour to allow his.

The last couple of months I’ve been putting more effort into the relationship but get absolutely nothing back from him so I don’t know where to go from here

Concentrate on yourself and your children. Try to start thinking of him and his 'needs' less often. Please, please consider speaking to Women's Aid, they will have seen this many times, are a great support and will help to keep you and your children safe. I'm not saying that lightly, what he's doing is abusive and may well escalate in whatever way.

I'm sorry you and your children are being put through this

Is he under the Community Mental Health Team?

There's a good organisation you can phone for advice called Rethink.

I have a couple of suggestions. File for divorce and if he threatens to kill himself, then call an ambulance. Do it every time.

Live your own life, don't tell him what you're doing so he can't manipulate you. Organise other childcare if possible. Grey rock him.

No one is responsible for someone else’s mental health. You are not responsible for a grown man.
contact Womens aid or living without abuse, you are in a coercive controlling relationship and you need support to leave.

This is a manipulation tactic (consciously or unconsciously, but is it nonetheless): you are never responsible for the actions of another individual, even if it’s your partner. You’re being held hostage.

Mh issues or not, he is using them to manipulate and control you. Sounds to me like a bottomless pit of emotional need that will never quite be OK enough for you to have any headspace or choices or time for yourself. I'd suggest seeing a counsellor (for yourself) and perhaps contacting Women's Aid as he is doing a lot of damage using his MH as a hook to hang his shitty behaviour towards you on.

I feel like I can’t leave him because he’ll kill himself, to put it bluntly

To be even more blunt, Let him kill himself then.

You're not responsible for his choices. If he chooses to hurt himself, you're not to blame, that's on him. If your kids are upset that he's dead, then you're not to blame, that's on him.

He's using his "mental health issues" to control you. The only choice you have is whether or not to let him. Anything he does after that is on him.

So what if he kills himself, one less abusive man in the world is a good thing, unless you rely on him for childcare and he pays towards his DC.

So lets rewrite your post.
You had been trying to separate from
your highly controlling selfish manipulative piece of shit husband when he attempted suicide to get you back in line.
Let the piece of shit do it, he is not your responsibility.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid to help you realise that you are being controlled and abused and need to get away from him.

Stop engaging with him for a start.

What happens when he takes an overdose? Does he seek medical attention himself?

You're being abused.

Leave him;if he tries to commit suicide then so be it.You are not responsible for his mental health issues or his well being.

Sounds like your in a hostage situation rather than a relationship.
Do you have contact with him every day? Is he sectioned if he is mental health hospital? This might be the safest time to walk away for good now

What about your mental health? What if your mental health breaks what happens to your DC? Your DC are children and they need a functioning parent. He is an adult.

Like a poster said up thread maybe he's using this to control you or maybe he will kill himself. Either way it's him or you and the DC.

End this with him now to save you and your DC.

He's manipulating you.

Any OD he takes is on him, not you.

You need to put space between you and stop letting him pull your strings, he has no right. And I'd hazard that his MH is little more than a way of controlling you....

I massively feel for you. My H has endured poor mental health including suicidal feelings and it was extremely difficult.

It’s an incredibly lonely space with little or no support for the partner. I found great solace in the book Life After a Partners Suicide Attempt, you can hear the author speaking this podcast podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/shapes-of-grief/episodes/Ep--78-Dr-Francis-McGivern-on-Life-after-a-partners-suicide-attempt-e1b7bhj

Also, a parent completing suicide is a poor outcome for children and it’s natural to want to safeguard them.

Having said all this, I do think previous posters are right. There’s quite an extreme element of control beyond the neediness of a crisis, and it’s so worrying for your you. Have you access to counselling via the GP or even through work? Are you able to communicate with your H mental health team? Getting in touch with Women’s Aid sounds like a plan, since you need to set a date for leaving and then let all the support services know so that you feel you can withdraw leaving other supports there.

Sending you a huge hug.

What do the DC think of him? What is their attitude?

OP- I have worked in psychiatry (on a psych ward) and I am telling you he is manipulating you.

People who are genuinely suicidal don't act like this. You cant turn suicidal ideation on and off like a tap in order to keep people in line, to control them. Thats not how it works.

Leave him. Yes, he may make a half hearted attempt to try to guilt you but cannot live your life like this- he is abusive. His behaviour is abusive.

Leave him. If he threatens to kill himself call 999 and ask them to do a welfare check. Take the emotion completely out of it- he is using your emotions to manipulate you like a puppet. Cut the damn strings.

Gosh what a situation he’s put you in. I am sorry OP.

Get a plan in place and leave as quickly as you can - rip the plaster off fast.

I’m sorry he has MH issues but he is also a manipulative, selfish arsehole who cares not a jot for you and the kids and will drag you down with him.

If he threatens to kill himself ring 999 everytime and leave them to it. You have to turn off the tap of attention for him.

He may eventually take his own life or he may not but there is nothing you can do about it.

Get your boundaries up for him and don’t take them down again - he’s no good for you and the kids.

@Camper123 it's a lot to take in, what so many of us have said in reply to your OP, how are you feeling?

With regards to not speaking to your friends and family, there will be those who don't understand and choose not to engage - that's fair enough, they will have their reasons. But you will probably also find that there are those who at least try to understand and want to support you. The problem with behaviour like your husband's is that it thrives in secrecy; the more open you are about what he's doing it should start affecting you less, you will start to see it for what it is, I think. I do think though speaking to a professional who has experience of this type of thing will be invaluable

So his mental health is more valuable than yours or your kids? I think you need to actually take stock and look at what is the most responsible choice for the safety of you and your kids and leave him to MH professionals to look after and you look after your own well-being and your kids. He is going to drag you down faster than a riptide.