DH MH issues

[Camper123]

I don’t really know where to begin, sorry if this post is all over the place but trying to get my thoughts in order. DH has had serious mental health problems for a long time, but it’s got drastically worse this year. He’s taken 5 or 6 overdoses and wound up in a mental health hospital for 6 weeks.

we don’t currently live together, he hasn’t lived at home for 9 months now but we are still together, we have young DC so I’ve basically been a solo parent for 9 months now while he has the freedom to do what he wants. When I mention this to him he says he’s not free because of his MH issues and makes me feel guilty for saying that.

This all started when I told him I was leaving him, I’ve been unhappy for a while and couldn’t deal with it anymore - no affection or love, constantly winds me up but brushes it off as “banter” (something that the DC now all do to each other which I hate), his lifestyle isn’t family friendly. He does what he wants regardless of what I or the DC want to do, he puts sports and socialising before his family. I’ve been self employed for the last year but before that was a SAHM for 6 years, he doesn’t see what I do as a real job and doesn’t take it seriously. Huffs when I ask for help with childcare so that I can work. Hates me going out and socialising but will always encourage it, then something will happen so I can’t actually go or so I spend the whole time worrying about him.. ie he’ll have a breakdown, take an overdose, be in an awful mood etc etc

when I told him I was leaving he took a serious overdose and nearly died, so since then the MH issues have overtaken everything. We were separated for a month or so but I was still his carer and saw him every day so not much changed. It’s now been nearly a year since I told him I was done and nothing has changed but he blames all of these things on his MH and insists that once he’s better things will be good.

I feel like I can’t leave him because he’ll kill himself, to put it bluntly. But I’m not happy and don’t know what to do. I’m completely drained and can’t live like this anymore. Can’t really talk to friends and family about this as they all have bias opinions depending on who’s side of the relationship they’re from.

The last couple of months I’ve been putting more effort into the relationship but get absolutely nothing back from him so I don’t know where to go from here

Hey, thanks for your replies everyone. I’ve read them all and it’s a lot to take in so just needed some time to process.

we had another incident this weekend where I had work plans and plans to go out with some friends, he went out the night before (he’s supposed to be being sober because alcohol is a trigger for him, but there’s no telling him once he decides he’s going out) anyway he woke up the next morning having a huge panic attack, suicidal thoughts and general breakdown so I had to go get him and take him to hospital as I’m not able to keep him safe myself, especially with the kids with me. Meaning I had to cancel my work and cancel going out. Starting to see a pattern that this happens when I have plans, not that I think he’s doing that intentionally - his MH issues are definitely genuine and run deep back to childhood & adulthood trauma.

He has professional help in place, should have said that before. He’s doing therapy and has a team around him, they’re not great but they are there. I think as his wife though I feel like I need to care for him and there’s the expectation that I will. I’ve always done anything for him and it’s hard to break that cycle, I’m not one to naturally say no to people I have to intentionally do it and it makes me feel bad.

I agree that he’s manipulative, and I know deep down this relationship won’t work. It’s not good for us as a family let alone for me or the kids individually. I think it’s just really hard to cut ties and leave someone when they’re in this head space. There’s also obviously a part of me that hopes we could be happy but I’m starting to see that’s just a fantasy. I’m petrified of him killing himself and the kids having to go through that and live without him - they absolutely adore him. When his MH is stable he’s lovely, energetic, happy, playful and they love spending time with him. However I am realising that even during those ‘good’ times he’s still selfish and expects too much of me. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough all the time then gaslights me when I bring him up on it.

I do need to leave, I’m realising I could never live with him again, I’ve been so much happier without him here, and no marriage would work living apart would it? All it’s doing is making me resent him because he has freedom to do what he wants, make plans without having to think of anyone else etc while I’m the sole carer of the kids, trying to work and have time for myself too and it’s impossible.

I think it’s just making that first step that’s hard and having that conversation. There’s always something in the way - family plans, a breakdown, stress etc that puts me off doing it

Yes I’m sure he overdosed, “almost died” , chose after almost dying to overdose again multiple times, and spent 6 weeks in a mental health hospital (lovely places to spend time) for the craic.

I’m not saying any of this makes the bloke a nice person - maybe he’s an awful man. But this dismissal of suicidal ideation is worrying, especially from someone who has “worked in psychiatry”. I hope you never work anywhere near mental health patients again.

Thing is you also have to protect your children from all these narcissistic behaviours he's displaying so that they don't start rubbing off on them. Do you want you children to have relationship issues later on and never be settled and happy?

It's not just your own mental state here. Kids are sponges until they reach adulthood. It won't just be for you but then too which should be the main reason. Your kids are way more important than him and his blackmail of suicide. As I say you aren't responsible for whether he lives or dies. That's his responsibility and not your doing.

In any case, those who shout suicide rarely go through with it. It's the ones who stay silent and normal, who you would never have thought to do it out the blue normally.

Concentrate on your and your kids lives and future well being now. He certainly will never be the key to this. Narcissists never change.

@Lonelyasalways i agree 100%, he already is starting to rub off on them. We’re very different people in a lot of aspects, have different ideas of parenting too and the kids are becoming more and more like him. Not only that, I’m worried they’ll see our relationship and think this is a happy marriage and end up settling for less than their worth when they’re older.

But HOW do I do it? What do I say? It’s going to seem out the blue for him because I’ve been putting more effort in lately and haven’t told him I’m unhappy for a while now, although if he really cared he’d know I’m unhappy. I also want to be careful that it doesn’t seem like I want to end things because of his MH

I would just sit him down and tell him calmly that you've been thinking a lot and have decided you just need to be on your own and concentrate on yourself and your kids.

Of course he won't like this because narcissists can't stand not to be the main focus and will probably become aggressive or start playing the suicidal act, but just remember NOT your responsibility if he does and make it clear so he knows he's wasting his breath with that one.

I know it will be hard, just keep your kids in mind at all times to push you through. Don't be afraid to block him from your phone if he becomes a nuisance which he probably will so don't hesitate to block him on all avenues. If he turns up in person call the police and tell them he's harassing you straight away.

You'll need to expect to have to deal with a mental case to start with unfortunately but it will end once he knows you won't be changing your mind. Be careful not to show any weakness there else he will hang on and it will lengthen the process.

End result - yourself and your children can look forward to a happy peaceful life doing what you want when you want. Win win.

You can want to end things because of his mental health. That doesn't make you a bad person.

“those who shout suicide rarely go through with it. It's the ones who stay silent and normal, who you would never have thought to do it out the blue normally.”

This is statistically definitely not true among people who have made serious attempts (like OP’s H). The kind of case you’re talking about is particularly shocking and upsetting but is in the minority. The biggest risk factor for death by suicide is previous attempts.

Going to keep off this thread now for my own sanity, as it’s so depressing how dismissive everyone is.

OP, you seem more understanding and I’m really sorry for the really horrible situation you’re in.

You are saying that you don't live together, and that you have been solo parenting for nearly a year now. You told him it was over, then you say you were separated for a month.. have you told him it's back on? If he has actually moved out, that sounds like separation to me.
I think you'd be be better off cutting your support to him, explain ( if you want to ) that as you have taken on full responsibility for the DC and you are working, you don't have the capacity for anything else. He clearly has friends and family, they can look out for him. You might need to do this gradually, or you might prefer to be clearcut.
Focus on finding childcare that doesn't involve him, and put your energies into your children and your work. It sounds like he is playing you tbh, you do everything, and he gets to say how high you can jump.

Exactly, you said it ..... Previous attempts. They never actually manage it because they don't really mean it. Maybe I should have worded it differently. The ones who are quiet about it are the ones who normally succeed because they mean it. However no matter how many attempts he makes to get his own way, you are not responsible always remember that and look after yourself and kids.

What really struck me about your second message is that he went out drinking even knowing how bad that is for him. He may well be ill and it's good that he has a team supporting him, but HE has to do the work to get better and he's clearly not doing that.

Sometimes i think that someone with severe mental health problems is a bit like an addict - you can be smpathetic to how difficult it is for them while simultaneously realising that it is up to THEM to fix it. You can't fix it for them.

I think you need to end it properly. If you can, speak to his team and get their support or prime them that he will need support, then do it. Because if he's not willing to do the work to fix things, then you certainly shouldn't be killing yourself to make it happen.

A question on DV assessment tool ‘DASH’ widely used by HCP/police is ‘has your partner threatened to kill themselves? it is recognised as a form of manipulation and control. I’ve no doubt the OPs DH is seriously unwell but he does need to start to take responsibility for himself and continued ‘rescuing’ perpetuates the cycle because ‘it works’ - ultimately if someone decides absolutely to end their life they do it. Many people present to services with ideation but it doesn’t mean they want to end their life and need to be admitted to hospital. If the DH was an imminent risk to himself or others he would be admitted/on bed list.

Even in in-patient settings people will go to extreme and unusual lengths to attempt to end their life and sadly it does happen. If the OPs DH has support around him he needs to put the work in and understand why the OPs plans trigger him to act.

You need to use this time that he’s in hospital and get the fuck out. That his behaviour has affected you and the kids in a negative way for far too long. Go somewhere he can’t find. Let the hospital know that he is not going to have somewhere to land and you are not going to be his support person/scapegoat - also that all of that is going to have to have to be sorted that from there by his discharge team.

OP you don’t need to have the conversation to end it, particularly when you feel he could use this as a threat to kil himself.

You decide to slowly end the relationship and transition to one where he is still in your lives but he doesn’t control yours.

So, not being available to him all the time, finding another emergency contact for him, not rescuing him yourself.

Do it over the space of a few months and tradition out of the relationship, while trying to rebuild his with his kids

This sounds so desperately difficult. Who is supporting you? Would it be possibly to contact his case worker and have a conversation with them? Let them know that you are at burnout and will no longer be available to take up the slack.
As pp have suggested , slowly back out and be less and less available. He needs to find different resources to rebuild his life and for that to happen you need to slowly turn off the tap.
You have been amazingly strong to support him all these years, but now you have to think of what would happen to the children if you could no longer function. The way it is now is no longer sustainable.

It’s extremely difficult since he’s very unwell and he’s being a manipulative and controlling person and these absolutely can go together. Our society tells women to care ‘in sickness and in health’ but also to leave an abuse situation immediately. Hence being on the receiving end of reality conflicting advice and having low social support.

Are your DH’s family involved in caring for him at all? I’m sorry his care team aren’t great. I wasn’t clear if you’re living together or just supporting him? Can you talk to his MH team and let them know you want to end things and stop supporting? I think you need to identify his care team and explain to them you’ll be withdrawing.

Unfortunately having made attempts the OPs H is at high risk and it’s wrong to tell her on the Internet that he won’t complete suicide.

Do you have support for yourself, OP? Now’s the time to talk about this and look for therapy for your own trauma where you can get it quickest. Sending a hug.

I absolutely second the advice to divert his crises to alternative support. He won't like it of course, in his mind you are there to give him exactly what he wants. But he's wrong about that.

Some responses you might try- all of these are true and valid:

--When he rings you crying or whatever, tell him to call his support worker. Because they are trained, they will be BETTER ABLE to help him.

--Tell him you obviously aren't able to make him better, because you cannot possibly give him what he needs (which is something different from what he is asking for , remember) and you want him to recover. So he needs to seek more qualified help.. Right now, while he is in crisis, he needs to contact a professional and let them deal with it directly.

--Tell him your mental health is suffering, you need to withdraw from supporting him to care properly for the children.

Op you need support for yourself - both the support of living your own life without him abusing you in the way he has found works (making himself ill)

And support to build your defences and boundaries so he cannot so easily manipulate you in to be part of his world of illness.

Who knows, if his illness was no longer rewarded by having power and control over you, perhaps it would wither on the vine, though sadly it does sound as though he's very sick.

My interpretation of what is going on may be way out but I get the feeling that his MH is almost like something whispering in his ear, some sock part of him that cares more about controlling you than it does about your husband. And that this current way of you and him interacting is feeding it in some way.

But my point is, you dancing on attendance ro him hasn't made him better. Nor could it. So what is the point of making yourself ill?

If he feels suicidal, he needs help with his MH. Obviously. And he needs it in that moment. He doesn't need you, he needs police and possibly an ambulance. Every time.

The suicidal feelings need to be starved of their reward.

I realise this isn't a very coherent post - but you really deserve a better life than this. And actually, perhaps, so does he.

..so does he, if only for your children's sake. I am not suggesting you should take him back if he becomes less mentally desperate. He is clearly an abusive person Just that in some ways his illness is quite a violent one (it is harming you, his children and him too, if you like) and Lord knows we could do with a bit less violence in the world.