Feeling excluded

[WorryWart1510]

Hi everyone,

First time posting and a bit of a long one. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has 2 children and I have 3. DP children live withtheir DM. I have always got on well with his children and treat them like my own. Christmas, birthdays etc and love spending time with them.
When DP and I started dating himself and his ex had a very rocky relationship barely speaking etc and he said he couldn't stand her family.
Lately he seems to be more friendly with ex, says its for the children's benefit and very chatty with the exes family also. Last week his DC turned 18 and he told me the child wants to just have a meal with sibling and parents. I explained I felt hurt by this considering I have been in their lives a long time and have gotten on well with their DM on any occasion we have met.
Last week the ex invited her family and my partner to the home for cake etc and I was not included in this invite and yet my DP hinted at whether I had bought DC a birthday present.
Am I wrong to be upset at my DP for not including me and for often making me feel like my opinion doesn't count.
Just to add I have not brought this up with him yet as I am still trying to process how I feel. And obviously this is just one snapshot of a bigger picture, but I didn't want to turn this into a novel 🤣🤣

I think he needs to follow the lead of his DC on this one, and it’s fairly normal for a teenager to want to share a significant birthday with their mum and dad alone rather than dad and mum’s new girlfriend and boyfriend who, whilst nice enough, are not people who they have chosen themselves to have in their lives. Would you force your DC to have DP at something if they specifically said they only wanted you and their dad?

DP is a little unreasonable to expect you to have bought a present - although often part of being the adult in a blended family is taking the higher ground and not holding teenagers to the same standards as adults, or expecting them to reciprocate things the same way.

With regards to the relationship between him and his ex and ex’s family mellowing, he’s very possibly realising, one of his children now being 18, that adult children don’t actually mean he gets to wave his children’s mother off into the sunset. There are all kinds of milestones on the horizon - 18th and 21st birthdays, graduations, engagements, weddings, grandchildren - where having their parents and grandparents able to spend time together and behave in a friendly and pleasant way to each other is going to be really important to his adult DC. I think it’s normal for both parents to want to foster that sort of relationship for their shared DC.

The thing is, decent parents are always going to be in a position where they have to recognise each other as family. They share children and that's a forever deal. It's not unreasonable for kids to just want their big occasions to be celebrated with their parents and siblings - that's their core family, however much they may like you. It probably isn't personal towards you at all.
You've been with your dp for 5 years, but you came into these kids' lives when they were teens, not tiny dc - to them you are a nice lady who is dating their dad, not another parent figure, even though they do like you. Things may change in time but 5 years is still relatively early days for bonds to be deep.

I do think you should buy them gifts at Christmas/birthdays because that's what adults do for kids who are part of their wider network - like you would for a niece or nephew. But obviously the 'big' presents should be for their parents to finance, not you.

If your dp was purposely excluding you when you'd been invited, that would be a problem but not in the two examples you've given - even if ex wife has no issue with you, it's still okay for her to celebrate her kids' birthdays just with her family and their dad and it's okay for the kids to want a big birthday meal with just their parents. At least at this stage. If it carries on indefinitely then that's a message to you that the kids want a polite but more distant relationship with you, which is sad but not totally unreasonable and means that you are also free of obligation to 'parent'.

Thank you for the replies, the thing is it wasn't just the parents and children.
Their aunts and uncles on mams side were there and mothers friends too.

For me It’s dependent on whether you’re told, or he talks to you and tells you/ yes of course his kids need both parents but if you’re an afterthought as opposed to him saying ‘look sorry about this but just to let you know’then that’s where an issue could be for me

But their uncles and aunts are their family, and if their mum wants to invite her own friends to her own house, that’s nothing to do with you or your DP. I’m sure DC likes you, but the reality is that you’re probably just “dad’s partner” to them, not an integral part of their unit - even more so since, as ABirdsEyeView has pointed out, you* *came into their life when they were already a teenager and they live with their mum. It would be different had they been small children with 50/50 care when you met, where you’d have had much more of a hands on caring and nurturing role in their upbringing.

None of the children in this situation chose to have a step parent in their lives. I think if you try to make your DP uncomfortable about his children not feeling the same way about you as they do their own family, it’s going to damage your relationship severely.

But it was her party for her children. Normal that she'd invite her own family and friends - to her you are just someone her ex is involved with. I think you are maybe taking it all a bit too personally. The ex wife may well like you but you aren't her friend.

Exactly, it is the fact it's an afterthought. One of the children was a teenager when we met the other wasn't and isn't yet.
The house belongs to both parties also and therefore he too should have a say in who is present in the house.
I'm not going to drip feed, but I'm feeling maybe this is just going to be the straw that broke the camels back.

I think YABU!

According to your OP, your DPs child has requested that you don't attend. Its their birthday, they most definitely should be able to request who attends their meal! I don't know why you are blaming your DP and his ex! Based off the fact they asked that for their birthday meal, maybe their mother felt it wouldn't be appropriate to invite you to the cake.

And yes 5 years is a long time, but this person was a teen when you entered their life, and 5 years isn't the majority of their life so they may not feel the same way as you. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

The straw that broke the camels back??? What are you planning on doing about it?

Sorry I think YABU.

The 18 year old just wanted family. They didn't want to invite you.

I am sorry that you feel rejected. It sounds like you treated the stepchildren with kindness (like one of your own) but unsurprisingly they don’t see you as a bonus parent. It’s hard to say whether it’s their parents’ attitudes towards you that has rubbed off or they were too old at the time but my kids don’t see their stepmother like that either and she’s been with their dad for 10+ years.

Based on the fact that your partner had the gall to ask if you had a birthday gift when you’re not invited to any celebration, I think it’s reasonable for you to reconsider your role as stepparent. Perhaps you’ve been taken advantage of by your partner and this means that your stepkids also see you as dispensable too. You need to remember that they didn’t pick you - their dad picked you for them and they had no choice in the matter as your kids didn’t have a choice in their stepfather and stepsiblings.

I wouldn’t be angry about the meal as it’s just parents and siblings and I think that if you stay, you need to be prepared for future milestones to be parents and siblings too.

Is the celebration hosted by the ex at your home with partner or her home ? Even though things have been polite when you’ve met ex, I can understand why she might find inviting you to her home weird.

I also wondered if you are angry because your partner isn’t advocating for you ? For example if he asked ex if you can attend, do you think that she’d say yes and you’re currently not invited because he doesn’t ask if invitations are just for him or both of you ?

I can’t help but wonder if you are also resentful that you and your kids go out of your way to include your partner and kids in your events ?

In terms of the straw that broke the camels back I'm referring to DP of course not his DC.
I had a lot of comments from him about my relationship with my ex over the years and the role he plays in my children's lives to the point that I hid the fact he visited the children one Christmas in my home.
My DP can be very insensitive and flippant in comments he makes towards me. We live together for 4 years now and he contributes minimal amount towards household expenses, bills etc which is another issue i am having. I guess today I'm just feeling things are not balanced on both sides. He is included in every aspect of mine and my children's lives and his DC have always been treated exactly the same as mine. They regularly stay over and we do things together as a family and I'm just very hurt that I'm not able to share in the milestones.

However nice you are to his children and however hard you include DP in things for your own children, doesn’t mean that his ex and his children need to include you in their family milestones. They aren’t responsible for reciprocating on behalf of their dad. They don’t see you in that way, and you need to find a way to accept that. It’s not your DP’s place to be dictating to his ex and an 18-year-old who can be invited to a party he isn’t organising that isn’t at the home he lives in.

The backstory about DP having problems with your ex, not contributing properly to your joint household, and you seemingly being unhappy that he still co-owns the house his ex lives in are the things you need to focus on here. Don’t make the children the scapegoat for the issues in your relationship which actually need to be addressed.

Sadly OP there will be times when as step parent you won’t be able to share directly in the mile stones and that’s how it goes. Graduation if they can only have 2 or 3 invites that will be 2 x parents and DCs partner. Wedding - you might find yourself on the second row - parents, grandparents and siblings at the front, 21st Birthday - family meal as for the 18th parents and sibling ………. The fact that DP may be contributing to the home the ex lives in to support the kids is irrelevant in terms of overseeing and managing invitations to family parties - it’s not his home.

As a step parent with a great relationship with my SDC and a cordial relationship with their mum I know sometimes I have to step back - mainly for the sake of the SDC to avoid them getting stressed about invitations and events and worrying about how everyone fits. It’s being a step parent.

The other issues you mention are not the fault of the DC that’s your DP you need to sort out bills / finances etc.

Why do you think he should have a right to decided who goes into their shared property. It isn’t his home, it’s his asset.
I would feel excluded but it isn’t DP choice, it’s the child and as hurtful as it is, they probably don’t even think about you when making their choices as you aren’t really a priority. You can blame DP for a decision that isn’t his.

We live together for 4 years now and he contributes minimal amount towards household expenses, bills etc

Never mind the step-family dynamics, how the fuck are you even letting him do this to you?!

He's living the life of Riley it seems while you are paying for it. Wake up woman!

The infamous MN word of cocklodger comes to mind.

Why would you have a present for your stepson if you'd not been invited to any of the celebrations? Would your partner not provide a joint present from both of you? I'd stop treating his kids like your own, as you'll only feel resentful when it's not reciprocated. Concentrate on your own kids.
Why isn't he contributing more financially? Why is he still a joint home owner with her, it's been years? You're subsidising her in a way. It sounds like he hasn't properly disentangled from her yet and he doesn't present you as a proper partner. Yes step parents need to know their place at times, where kids are concerned, but your partner should make an effort to acknowledge your feelings and understand how hurtful it is even if he can't change things.
I would feel a bit second best in your situation.

I am sure it feels upsetting because he doesn't include you as much as you clearly include him with your kids.
But - you do have your own kids & will have all the relevant milestones with them, surely?

As others have said, it sounds like this particular decision was made by the child concerned & isn't actually your partner's fault.
It also sounds like your frustration with other aspects of your relationship is what is really at the root of your feelings here.

Did your children get a choice in this cocklodger moving in with them after only a year of you dating him?

He still shares a house with his ex and contributes little to yours but you're annoyed about his 18 yo not wanting you at their birthday? You have bigger issues than that.

This man is more involved in your children's lives than his own children, because you allow it. Forced it even. The active blending and family together time, is that instigated by him? Fully funded by him? Very much doubt it.

He sounds like a gem.

I think the answer is for DP to organise his own party for his daughter that involves you and your DC and his side of the family.

This sounds like it’s Mum’s party for her daughter and DP is invited as her dad. It doesn’t sound like a joint party hosted by both parents.

My DP can be very insensitive and flippant in comments he makes towards me. We live together for 4 years now and he contributes minimal amount towards household expenses, bills etc which is another issue i am having
cocklodger. Jealous. Leaves you out.

what does he bring?

You have bigger problems than the kids not asking you to go to dinner!

Dont go down the route of saying he co owns the house with his ex, so should get a say - that's not how it works. Shes entitled to have who she wants in her home - he doesn't live there and doesn't get a say. I'd guess that she is keeping possession of the house until the dc are of age and then it will be sold.

But that's not the main problem here. Why are you hiding your own ex's involvement with his kids, while tolerating the double standard of your partner bring very involved with his own ex?
You need to sort out your domestic situation and start prioritising your own children, instead of treating his kids as if they were yours - they aren't! And you are doing your own children a massive disservice letting this cocklodger move in, contribute nothing and make you feel like your children's own father has to be hidden in case he kicks off. What do you think this is modelling to your own children?

Honestly lovely, it sounds to me like you've rushed into living together and he's got his feet well and truly under the table! It's not too late to tell him to move out!

Sounds like he’s cocklodging. Taking money from your family to finance his own family more easily?

Why you want to be at a party with his ex (plus her friends and relatives) whose home he is still financing while freeloading off you is beyond me.

If you want to stay with him - you could have a separate low key celebration for his DC. A meal out or something? But he should pay for all of that. Also unless he buys your DC presents for their birthdays, that are separate from the presents you buy your DC, then you don’t owe his DC presents. He gives those and says they are from both of you.

But, I think if I was you, I’d be done. If it’s your home, put him out. He can stay with his ex in the house he part owns.

Good luck getting rid.
💐

WorryWart1510

if it is the straw that broke the camels back good luck and hugs x