Feeling excluded

[WorryWart1510]

Hi everyone,

First time posting and a bit of a long one. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has 2 children and I have 3. DP children live withtheir DM. I have always got on well with his children and treat them like my own. Christmas, birthdays etc and love spending time with them.
When DP and I started dating himself and his ex had a very rocky relationship barely speaking etc and he said he couldn't stand her family.
Lately he seems to be more friendly with ex, says its for the children's benefit and very chatty with the exes family also. Last week his DC turned 18 and he told me the child wants to just have a meal with sibling and parents. I explained I felt hurt by this considering I have been in their lives a long time and have gotten on well with their DM on any occasion we have met.
Last week the ex invited her family and my partner to the home for cake etc and I was not included in this invite and yet my DP hinted at whether I had bought DC a birthday present.
Am I wrong to be upset at my DP for not including me and for often making me feel like my opinion doesn't count.
Just to add I have not brought this up with him yet as I am still trying to process how I feel. And obviously this is just one snapshot of a bigger picture, but I didn't want to turn this into a novel 🤣🤣

I'd feel like you in this situation OP. I can understand the DC wanting his parents together but I think I'd be expecting by dp to manage those by gently explaining he has a new partner so occasions like this he'd want you to be included or that it's not something he can do often because it's excluding a part of his life. If my child wanted just me and my ex together I'd do it but I'd reassure my partner a lot and I wouldn't want to do it all the time. I'd have to have some consideration for how my partner would feel.

This post seems really similar to a post which got taken down the other day for duplicate postings regarding a woman/partner feeling left out and hurt by her step child asking for just her dad and mum taking her to uni and the partner sitting that one out 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it may hurt OP and I know that you've known the daughter a long time, but to her she will only ever have one mum and one dad and I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to spend a special birthday/event just with them.
You could always do something special for her on another occasion to show her you care.
I totally understand that this is uncomfortable, but you just have to put your feelings to one side.

Thank you for your reply. I think it is more the fact I feel he doesn't advocate for me. I feel if he had said to the mum that he would like for me to be there it wouldn't have been an issue.
I really want to discuss how I'm feeling with him but thinking of the best way to approach this.

Thank you for your response and for seeing my point also. I've been feeling very conflicted with this.
He pays all of the mortgage on the home and half of all expenses (and then some) for his DC. I feel I'm carrying a lot of the financial load to subsidise this. His ex has a very good income also and I feel she could contribute more towards the home, as if he was renting somewhere he would not be able to afford what he is currently paying out.
I feel I have been more than supportive of all of this and have always encouraged him to support his children but I feel like I have been taken for a fool lately and last week just cemented this for me when I felt he didn't advocate for me and ask that I be included as his partner.
I know I need to raise all of the above I'm just unsure of the best way to approach it.

I wouldn't be annoyed at all about the dinner (and I have 3 step kids so have definitely been there)

But him expecting you to buy a present is completely out of order and he needs to be told.

Hi, OP -

On the face of it, the teenager wants to celebrate with family and that isn’t personal to you. If Mum is inviting her friends, that isn’t about you either.

But I also wonder whether it feels like DP has had your back as this party has evolved? From his question about whether you were buying a present, I wouldn’t be shocked if the answer were ‘no’. And to be clear: when you aren’t invited to the party, buying the present is not on you.

To me, this is the problem. It is likely made worse by the welcome you have given DP’s DC over time even as DP has not made a fair financial contribution, but it isn’t sensible to lay that on the teenager.

Best wishes thinking this through.

Sorry, I see others had the same thoughts I did, but earlier.

Follow the children's lead, surely?!

Follow their lead?

I'm afraid he sounds a bit of a cocklodger. It's good you're not going to the parties if things are on the rocks.

Bite your tongue for now and use the time you're not at these events to really think through what you want the next stage of your life to look like. I don't think you're as close to these kids and your partner as you think you are. In a few weeks you can have a big conversation with him but I don't think you should connect your dissatisfaction to the birthday.

OP, I really feel for you. Not surprised you feel left out as that is what happening really. Not sure on what kind of relationship you have with his DC but if that what they have decided, fair enough. Your best bet would be to wish them a great birthday and send along a nice CARD from you and your DC. If he askes for present, tell him your a bit skint right now. You and kids will make a xake for next time he visits. (It could be more them also protecting thier mum from any awkwardness too.)

Now your 'D'P. Has he spoken to you about things and as a couple discussed how the blended family will work? Sorry if I read wrong, but it seems a bit off. You seem really happy to go with the flow and open to these DC as a welcome extension of your family. - few questions though.

Why is DP only paying a little towards your housing?
Who's name is the house in?

Sorry but there's 🚩🚩 all over this. I don't mean by kids birthday by any means. His attitude toward present and the whole situation your in right now. Thinknyour posting here as you know this deep down xx

So he's paying barely anything towards bills to live with you whilst paying half the mortgage on his old family home that ex still lives in with the kids? Well you are a bit of a mug to have allowed that to happen. He should at the very least pay his share of household costs to live with you.

Sounds like he's never really committed to you in the same way you have to him and you've persuaded yourself it's a lot more. The recent birthday celebrations have brought home to you that you both have very different expectations of the relationship. You think you've blended your respective families and are now a family unit. He doesn't (and nor do the kids).

Also five years really isn't that long from the kids point of view. They may just see you as 'Dad's girlfriend' and as much as they may like you it's unrealistic to expect more from them. My mother had a relationship for years with a guy, we even lived with him for over a year when I was a teenager, and I just never saw him as particularly important or influential in my life. Nice enough, never had a problem with him, but not significant to me and wasn't that bothered when they finally split up. Get his child a nice card, maybe a small token gift if you want, but that's enough.

Personally I'd be letting him go and try being single for a while. It's a lot easier (and cheaper).

Your boyfriend being a dick and you being unreasonable can both be true. They are.

He’s paying the ex mortgage still!! Wow! Sounds like he’s a cocklodger if you say you subsidise this. Start paying half only max as it seems there are some cracks in your relationship.

18 year old wants his family - normal - not issues with dynamics of step parents. Have a cake at your place when you see him next.

Last week the ex invited her family and my partner to the home for cake etc and I was not included in this invite and yet my DP hinted at whether I had bought DC a birthday present.

So you're not important enough to enjoy the family gathering, but you're still good for a present. I'd tell him to do one.

If you do nothing else yet, you need to make him pay his true costs in living with you. If he was doing that, you maybe wouldn't feel like you were subsidising his ex wife!

Yes, this!! All those people stating she’s a step parent so “these things happen” and “they don’t have to invite you” etc etc.. Seriously?! When you’re part of someone’s life/family for a lengthy period of time, it would always be a kick in the face to be excluded in this way. Especially when OP has treated them so well, gone out of her way for them, treated them as her own. Do we not teach children to be considerate of other people’s feelings anymore? And DP should definitely be advocating for OP. It’s just a meal FGS!!

I have only read your original post. None of your replies.

1. Excellent that they get on (then I read DC was 18 and think it's a bit OTT) I think families should be able to do that, I always wanted to do that but my ex is too angry. Mine are younger.
2. Why would you be buying a present for him when you're with his dad, isn't it just a joint thing?

I can see why you're annoyed. I think it's great for DC but I also feel it shouldn't come at a cost to you, and you should have been at least thought of and acknowledged. I think his dad should have pulled him on it, to a point as you're with said Dad. But. Dad might have just not even thought about it.

5 years, cohabiting and not invited when other are. I could stomach a family meal out happening but not the house event with family friends etc. The 18 year old is not a little kid but telling you what they think of you. Your DP does not have your back. Time to give the same energy back and prioritise your own DC. Start by getting expenses sorted for the cock lodger or kick him out.