Hi - me and DH are in such a mess and I don't know how fixable things are.
For the last 5 years we have lived a life of huge arguments/blowouts followed by days sometimes weeks of silence. Then we'll get on for a few days maybe a week and then the cycle repeats.
It all started when he started setting up his own business. For 2.5 yrs he was doing 2 jobs - keeping a salary from his old job and building his company at weekends/evenings. Very stressful.
When our DD was born 2.5 years ago he finally took the plunge and committed full time to his company. The stress was enormous, awful - we didn't speak for 3 months straight after she was born (because I forgot to upgrade our home internet to broadband - and so when he was on paternity leave he couldn't work) - I still feel resentment about the way he treated me then. It was like I was no better than shit on his shoe (which was all born out of worry and stress on his part) Long silent treatment then screaming at me in rage when she wouldn't let him feed her or if she cried (shivers at the memories). That whole year until she was 1 was just this arguing cycle I described.
Then more stress last year - a disastrous house move, financial nightmares i.e mortgage arrears, scrimping on benefits etc. Ups and downs at his company.
I'm due another baby in June and it's another girl. We hadn't had sex for almost year - had a one off attempt for a boy and we are having a girl - (which is all my fault) He doesn't talk about the pregnancy and I feel I don't want him there at the birth.
My problem is my assertiveness. My confidence/esteem/identity is at rock bottom and I can be shy. I don't have a career as am a SAHM (which he resents) He's around entreprenurs and people who live for work all the time and he looks at me with disgust for not being that way now. And I feel like a fish out of water around him and his colleagues and connections. I feel very strongly that we are not right for each other. That I am wrong for him and holding him back/dragging him down. He hates me for not having my own business or a career that I could have returned to. Any job I could do at the moment would not cover childcare so what's the point? I've tried to find admin/typing jobs I could do at home but credible companies have no vacancies and the rest are scams. (These are all excuses to him....maybe they are)
I always looked to him to be the breadwinner while the kids were young and then it was my plan to return to work when they were at school. He was always fine with that but not now. He hates me because I am always in and not out socialising and yet if I was to put demands on him to be home to babysit he wouldn't be able to do it. Have had to cancel a night out on saturday because he's now working late. I didn't even bother telling him I'd booked to go out and had now cancelled it because he would blame me for not having other babysitting options. (We have no family support my parents moved abroad last October, his are in scotland. We only moved to this area 6 months ago and I don't have the money to pay a babysitter, my friends have also really dwindled into not many now - another sign to him that I'm just not good enough)
I feel like he resents being married and having children (which he would never admit to because he absolute adores DD1) but I do think the guilt he feels about not being there for us EVER and that his quest for making money has taken so much longer than he thought and taken so much work that our marriage has suffered probably irreprably and it has conveniently translated into hatred towards me for 'not being good enough'
We seem incapable of just having normal arguments and then getting over them and moving on like other people do. He escalates everything into something totally unmanageable that we have to live with for weeks, months, years. He is forever blaming and reminding me of the past.
I am forever playing the victim role, going to bed in tears feeling totally hard done by (but then so is he - who can fault him he is trying to make enough money so that in a few years he won't have to work very much and can play with his kids all day and have lovely long family holidays with no stress.....really? Seems like a big carrot being dangled in front of us and I think I have been really niaeve believing it and being swept along when the reality is, he'll always be busy - he can't deal with problems or things going wrong (like our daughter hitting her head and getting a little scar - it was his fault but it became mine)
If he is eventually a financial success then he has said I can look around and feel like I did nothing to help achieve it. So - I fantasise daily about my own life, my own house. I know divorce is not good on kids and neither of us would want our kids to be the victims of broken homes - but at the same time...you only get one life right?