This is quite long sorry. Big marriage problems [sad]

[catsypug]

Hi - me and DH are in such a mess and I don't know how fixable things are.

For the last 5 years we have lived a life of huge arguments/blowouts followed by days sometimes weeks of silence. Then we'll get on for a few days maybe a week and then the cycle repeats.

It all started when he started setting up his own business. For 2.5 yrs he was doing 2 jobs - keeping a salary from his old job and building his company at weekends/evenings. Very stressful.

When our DD was born 2.5 years ago he finally took the plunge and committed full time to his company. The stress was enormous, awful - we didn't speak for 3 months straight after she was born (because I forgot to upgrade our home internet to broadband - and so when he was on paternity leave he couldn't work) - I still feel resentment about the way he treated me then. It was like I was no better than shit on his shoe (which was all born out of worry and stress on his part) Long silent treatment then screaming at me in rage when she wouldn't let him feed her or if she cried (shivers at the memories). That whole year until she was 1 was just this arguing cycle I described.

Then more stress last year - a disastrous house move, financial nightmares i.e mortgage arrears, scrimping on benefits etc. Ups and downs at his company.

I'm due another baby in June and it's another girl. We hadn't had sex for almost year - had a one off attempt for a boy and we are having a girl - (which is all my fault) He doesn't talk about the pregnancy and I feel I don't want him there at the birth.

My problem is my assertiveness. My confidence/esteem/identity is at rock bottom and I can be shy. I don't have a career as am a SAHM (which he resents) He's around entreprenurs and people who live for work all the time and he looks at me with disgust for not being that way now. And I feel like a fish out of water around him and his colleagues and connections. I feel very strongly that we are not right for each other. That I am wrong for him and holding him back/dragging him down. He hates me for not having my own business or a career that I could have returned to. Any job I could do at the moment would not cover childcare so what's the point? I've tried to find admin/typing jobs I could do at home but credible companies have no vacancies and the rest are scams. (These are all excuses to him....maybe they are)

I always looked to him to be the breadwinner while the kids were young and then it was my plan to return to work when they were at school. He was always fine with that but not now. He hates me because I am always in and not out socialising and yet if I was to put demands on him to be home to babysit he wouldn't be able to do it. Have had to cancel a night out on saturday because he's now working late. I didn't even bother telling him I'd booked to go out and had now cancelled it because he would blame me for not having other babysitting options. (We have no family support my parents moved abroad last October, his are in scotland. We only moved to this area 6 months ago and I don't have the money to pay a babysitter, my friends have also really dwindled into not many now - another sign to him that I'm just not good enough)

I feel like he resents being married and having children (which he would never admit to because he absolute adores DD1) but I do think the guilt he feels about not being there for us EVER and that his quest for making money has taken so much longer than he thought and taken so much work that our marriage has suffered probably irreprably and it has conveniently translated into hatred towards me for 'not being good enough'

We seem incapable of just having normal arguments and then getting over them and moving on like other people do. He escalates everything into something totally unmanageable that we have to live with for weeks, months, years. He is forever blaming and reminding me of the past.

I am forever playing the victim role, going to bed in tears feeling totally hard done by (but then so is he - who can fault him he is trying to make enough money so that in a few years he won't have to work very much and can play with his kids all day and have lovely long family holidays with no stress.....really? Seems like a big carrot being dangled in front of us and I think I have been really niaeve believing it and being swept along when the reality is, he'll always be busy - he can't deal with problems or things going wrong (like our daughter hitting her head and getting a little scar - it was his fault but it became mine)

If he is eventually a financial success then he has said I can look around and feel like I did nothing to help achieve it. So - I fantasise daily about my own life, my own house. I know divorce is not good on kids and neither of us would want our kids to be the victims of broken homes - but at the same time...you only get one life right?

What happened next OP?

So during first child, your DH was working 2 jobs, and had major stress about money and mortgage arrears, and rather than you continue working ( I'm assuming you worked before your first DC), you decide it's a good time to become a SAHM? Then when you struggle and are on benefits as he tries to get his new business going, and you get into mortgage arrears, thus your home is at risk, you decide it's a great time to add to costs by having another DC . Given the bazzar idea that you can determine the sex of a child by having a one off shag, and disappointment of having another girl, I can only guess that you both live in a dark age where a woman's purpose is to produce kids, and the man provides, hence you valuing sons over daughters - quite a patriarchal, old fashioned and despicable of him. But, oh no, because, he values women who have professional roles, but that's not you.
So whose idea for you to have kids rather than a career was it? Yours or his? Because it's laughable how some women are expected to do both, with a man who' s only doing one or the other.
Lots of poor planning all round has lead to this.

I know this is an old post, but how are things @catsypug ? I think he sounds awful and you should separate from him. You deserve more from life than this.

My first H did this to me all the way through my pregnancy with my DD. I felt so lonely and sad and lost throughout. It turned out he had been fucking his colleague throughout and it finally came out when DD was 4 months.
I never forgave him. Not just the affair but the way he treated me like shit and made my pregnancy miserable as well as the early months of her life and then the subsequent hardship of trying to reinvent myself from SAHM to single parent of a newborn and an 8 year old, while he set up his lovenest with his AP and stopped paying the bills...
When you find your feet you will never forgive him this behaviour because whether or not it turns out he is like my XH (and I sincerely hope he isn't doing the same!) his behaviour is all about him and not forgivable.
Please build your self esteem, you can have a wonderful life without this shit X

Oh. Just saw it's a zombie thread. WTF do people reanimate them??

oh wow! i just got an email notification from MN that I was mentioned in a post - catsypug was me - then I changed to this, thenamehaschanged - so I thought I'd renew my password to jump on and say - I escaped thank you very much - I ended up running about four threads on my story to escape my horribly abusive marriage - you can look me up if you want - the help from MN was unbelievable but I was ashamed to say I ended up going back - but we are fully out and safe now with no contact for two years. It's the only way with psychopaths, lots of healing and self growth work now - he will never find us.

All I can say is - if you are trapped and being abused by a complete psychopath, do your absolute best to get out and stay out, they never ever ever change, no matter what they say - and don't think they may abuse you but would never abuse your children - they do, they are child abusers too, 100%.

Much love

YAY! Well done. Don't be ashamed that you went back- it's normal for it to take a woman numerous attempts too finally leave.

So glad you're free xxxxx

It's rare that an OP happens to still be around and/or returns when someone posts on an old thread, and always frustrates me to not know how people are getting on after their thread. So, nice to hear how you've got on.

Opentooffers - I can barely read my original post - nor any of my other threads - I was a gaslit victim of severe psychological and financial abuse for years, by a very clever sociopath - I'm lucky to have survived and escaped.

mylovelydd - i'm sorry you've suffered pain too - thank you

SoulofanAggron - thank you! Yes I got out - it took about four years, of all the leaps and bounds I have made in life - I don't think I could ever go through that again, it would kill me - battling a sociopath in family court is, well....something else! Thankfully a non-mol order bought us time to breath and escape - my girls want nothing to do with him and there is no contact.

oh X posts! Thank you SOA - I'm not really still around - I just happened to see a notification from MN that i'd been mentioned and I thought oh! well might as well drop in for a

catsypug

There are some similarities in my life - not all - my husband has shown disrespect but in other ways and also elements of emotional abuse, though I didn't necessarily recognise it at the time.

Like you, I have no family nearby - well no extended family at all. Friends are few and far between because I have always concentrated on my 3 dcs. I recognise that going to bed in tears thing, it's not always but I feel incredibly lonely and sad.

I try to avoid my dh to avoid the shouting and nastiness in front of the dcs. Sooner or later they are going to cotton on to this (my youngest is nearly 3). I have been a sahm for years. I don't fancy returning to the office but struggle with anxiety and have very low self esteem to work out what else I could do.

Over recent months I have begun to work on my own happiness - discovering what I actually like, treating myself to things that I actually like and I have stopped berating myself (inner child stuff) and I am sure it has helped to fend off depression. I have a hobby I wish to develop further and plan to join more groups when covid eases (this will be in line with pre-schooler starting pre-school if all goes to plan). I no longer feel like someone's got my back etc. it is really sad. The only thing for me to do is to get out more and seek more company. Whilst at home I keep busy doing jobs and helping/playing with the dc...my hobby and them have become my focus. For me because my situation isn't dire, I've decided to stay put (and actually likely to be slated by posters for being selfish having made this decision).

Watching this thread with interest. You sound like you are aware of what is happening to you. In my case it crept up on me far more gradually/subtly.

My post is almost as long as yours! Forgot to mention, the first thing on my list when covid eases is to get some counselling. I just imagine myself turning up and being a huge emotional mess. I feel like I've kept things in for so long. There is no-one in real life I feel like I want to tell.

User5437585479 - I was catsypug, but this is my username now - these posts are from a long time ago and I'm only aware because MN emailed me to say an old thread of mine had been reactived.

What I will say is don't ever worry about anyone judging you for your decisions, it's your life, your family, your financial circumstances etc. No one elses.

My situation was unbearable, I was trapped for a long time and my mental health really suffered - I also felt guilty because my children witnessed so much, plus they were in their own abusive cycles with their father, hot/cold, nice/nasty, hopes built/hopes dashed etc. Both my girls have said though that they are glad things happened the way they did, they are acutely aware of toxic relationship dynamics, they have clear boundaries.

You know, getting out more and building community bridges is the first step - you may even find yourself in The Freedom Program - that's where I started off, slowly but surely, one step at a time, reaching out, learning about you and what you want from life. You will find your way I'm sure x

@thenamehaschanged

I am so fucking pleased you got away. Much love to you and your DC and have a wonderful life X

Your DH may make a success of things - and he may not. But either way he will end up with regrets. He just can't see it yet.

Ah, sorry I didn't realise this was an old thread. I've been caught out a couple of times recently with old threads. I'm so glad you have found a happier place.

So glad you're out and away! I briefly looked at your other threads and you have come a long way. Well done.

mylovelydd Thank you so much! never never again!

User5437585479 - no problem! thank you and you will too, hang in there x

Seadad - thank you - it's a really old thread though. The husband was actually an inhumane monster living behind a false persona - everything was false including the business ideas which were just a smoke screen to cover up the alternate lives he was living and the severe financial abuse of me leaving me trapped. He was ultimately banned from contacting us and we have moved on. He doesn't have a business.

I don't think I'll be back on MN after today - it's not nice going back there I gotta say! It was a completely different life.

Good luck on your journeys everyone x

Thanks Ranty x

Oh wow. So glad to read you got out! That’s amazing. Your 1st DD must be a teenager now. I hope you found happiness? What happened to your ex? Did he ever admit what shit he put you through?

Good for you for getting out

Thanks tooty - yes girls are 15 and 13 - no contact with ex for 2 years, I have no idea where he is - we had a non-mol for a year - he had tried contacting me through the solicitor a few times throughout that year which was a breach of the terms - then when it was up, I got a letter asking for contact - I went to a really amazing coercive control lawyer who really hit him with it in a letter and that was that - plus the kids want nothing to do with him which helps as they are older!

This isn't 'sad', it's infuriating (at your husband, not you). As others have said people work hard, go through stress without treating their partners like crap/ignoring them.

Was there ever a time you did communicate effectively, and if so, what do you think ended that?

I have heard that the one thing that truly spells the end for a relationship is one partner feeling contempt for the other and sadly it sounds that's what he's giving you, despite the fact you are bearing and bringing up his kids so he can devote himself to his job. But you matter, and whatever he thinks, advice from others here to do stuff for yourself is spot on, don't let him 'erase' you or make you feel bad for doing your important role as a mum.

Oh just saw the happy conclusion! :)

thenamehaschanged

Did it take you a while to make changes? Did you did it in steps? It would be interesting to hear how you extracted yourself from such an awful situation and inspirational to others I'm sure.

User5437585479 - ok here goes - I first reached out online on MN - when I learnt that he was 'deliberately' starting arguments and setting me up to fail over and over again...that was a game changer for me in itself. Up until that point, I didn't know I was being manipulated. I didn't know anything about personality disorders or my own lack of self. I was just very broken and confused.

Then the Freedom Programme, sobriety (vital for clarity - i'll never go back to wine), the Woman's Trust (amazing), psychotherapy (still in), Sertraline for my anxiety, legal help (bit meh - ultimately couldn't divorce without it but expect some eye-rolling from them and taking an age to respond to your emails especially when you're panicking!) - once you start divorce if you live together, (jesus I had to live with him while divorcing him!!!) then you are eligible for single parent benefits if you weren't before due to marriage, and then ultimately Social Services (I was terrified of their involvement at first) and a non-molestation order (by this point, he was overtly abusing the kids, not covertly now and again under the guise of 'discipline') - school involvement in supporting the kids (the SW will visit the kids at school), therapy for the kids through Victim Support, tons and tons of reading on narcissism, self-growth, sobriety, growing up as a child of alcoholics, understanding my patterns - but also, envisaging a brighter future, trusting the journey one day at a time, taking that step over the cliff of change - took a lot of building up to it but you can do it - I can't stress counselling or psychotherapy enough for this - you need a real, genuine mirror to reflect the real you back to yourself, not the distorted lying mirror of the abuser constantly telling you how fucking useless you are and a shit mother to boot - which was all I knew by the time I found the strength to reach out. I was very isolated. And actually - reaching out in itself is a huge step, I also need to be reminded of how far I've come quite often by my therapist because you forget.

Cheaper counselling/therapy can be found - look up women's services - I'm in London and so there is the Awareness Centre, the Metanoia, EACH counselling, Woman's Trust, Ascent, VAWG

There might be more help out there now that I'm unaware of.