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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t think I consented

47 replies

Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 10:06

Name changed but been here over 20 years.

With DP for over 5 years. He has a history of cheating and I took him back. Recently we’ve been arguing lots and I’ve been away with my DC and when I got back things didn’t feel right. DP said he wanted to fight for us and I told him that I didn’t trust him due to things feeling adrift.

Anyway, DP does not like to use condoms and for the most part of our relationship we haven’t and when he previously cheated he had STI test at my request. I told him I didn’t want to know if he cheated this time, I just wanted to focus on looking forwards but requested he used condoms whilst we rebuilt trust and cited monkey pox as a risk too. DP agreed and we’ve been spending time together every day since Monday.

This morning we were snuggling in bed when DP indicated he wanted sex and I reciprocated. Except DP didn’t put a condom on and just did it. I was so shocked I just froze and afterwards I felt violated and ran to the bathroom, locked myself in and cried in the shower.

I’ve come home and feel numb and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 23/08/2024 10:10

First things first. Get the morning after pill.
Then book an STD test.
Then your head will be a bit clearer to think about this relationship. (It doesn't sound healthy IMO).

Ilovelurchers · 23/08/2024 10:20

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Consider ringing a dedicated support line like Rape Crisis? And remember, your feeling are your feelings - nobody has the right to minimise them or say they are invalid.

In terms of your partner, IF you wish to think about this now (you may not) - I assume you are not usually frozen still during sex. Therefore he must have known you were not consenting to sex without a condom. Anyone should stop the second it becomes clear to them their partner is no longer consenting. Quite often someone may not feel able to say a word like "no" or "stop". But if it is clear from the actions/movements/lack of movements that they are not actively consenting, the person having sex with them needs to stop and check they are ok. Your partner didn't do this, so unfortunately he has done a very bad thing, which he may later try to minimise.

Mischance · 23/08/2024 10:23

What did you do when he didn't put a condom on? Did you tell him to do so?

You need to find yourself a decent man and kick this guy out of your life.

Sheeplesss · 23/08/2024 10:25

This is sexual assault, make no mistake on that.

He is absolutely vile, and you know it.
Morning after pill, STI and call Womens aid for advice.
Ask him to move out.
Text him that you are very upset that he has sex with you without a condom despite you telling him you wanted one.
Get his answer and confirmation on text as proof and snap shot it and email it to yourself.
Ask him to leave the home and go elsewhere while you think.
This is a scummy man.
You may want to think of reporting him or not, but either way you now know he is utterly vile.

Bananalanacake · 23/08/2024 10:32

A man who refuses to use a condom doesn't deserve sex with anyone, except his right hand.

FartSock5000 · 23/08/2024 10:38

@Florence19791 we accept the love we think we deserve.

You DO NOT deserve any of this. The cheating, lying and now this?

Please stop seeing him. He doesn't even like you. Men who stealth their partners like this do not love or respect them.

Block his number and don't see him ever again. You know you must. You know you deserve to be with someone who will love you back.

FreeBird101 · 23/08/2024 10:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn by MNHQ

Coz97 · 23/08/2024 11:01

I'm so sorry this happened, OP. Please leave him. I second taking the morning after pill and getting an STD test. Women's Aid should be able to help. I hope you're taking care of yourself and have people who you can lean on during this time

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/08/2024 13:01

CalmLemonCrab · 23/08/2024 11:41

That is what’s called stealthing and is considered rape under English law. It has happened to me and needs to be taken seriously.

Take care x

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/#

Came to say this. My ex-husband did this to be and I ended up pregnant. It's such a huge violation of trust.

Biggaybear · 23/08/2024 13:07

Bananalanacake · 23/08/2024 10:32

A man who refuses to use a condom doesn't deserve sex with anyone, except his right hand.

Did he refuse though ?

Sounds like he didnt bother to use one. But also did OP say anything. By sounds of it she didnt.

Not saying what he did was right after their conversation about it but there doesn't appear that there was any conversation this morning when OP agreed to sex.

I've seen the tea video so I understand consent. I just think OP needs to use her words more if that is what happened.

Original poster
Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 14:31

Thank you for the advice. Thanks @Ilovelurchers I contacted rape crisis and it was really helpful.

OP posts:
kαλοκαλοκαιρι · 23/08/2024 15:01

Mischance · 23/08/2024 10:23

What did you do when he didn't put a condom on? Did you tell him to do so?

You need to find yourself a decent man and kick this guy out of your life.

she already previously made it clear she wanted him to wear a condom when they had sex. The onus is therefore on him to do so until she explicitly states that she’s changed her mind and says it’s ok not to. There are multiple factors at play for why the OP may not have been able to call this out at the time. This line of questioning is unhelpful at best and dangerous at worst.

Original poster
Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 16:00

kαλοκαλοκαιρι · 23/08/2024 15:01

she already previously made it clear she wanted him to wear a condom when they had sex. The onus is therefore on him to do so until she explicitly states that she’s changed her mind and says it’s ok not to. There are multiple factors at play for why the OP may not have been able to call this out at the time. This line of questioning is unhelpful at best and dangerous at worst.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks. This is exactly how I felt.

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 23/08/2024 16:12

This man has constantly cheated on you and you’ve taken him back. You have children you’re letting him treat you like dirt. Contact the police immediately and split up with him. If he lives with you pack his bags and get him out .

mrssunshinexxx · 23/08/2024 18:06

Did he refuse to wear one or got caught up in the moment and you also didn't stop him?

Original poster
Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 18:56

mrssunshinexxx · 23/08/2024 18:06

Did he refuse to wear one or got caught up in the moment and you also didn't stop him?

There was no moment to be caught up in. We bought more condoms only last night so he knew that we were to use condoms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 18:59

I have spoken to rape crisis who said it was stealthing and rape and sign posted me to SARC so I called them and spoke to the doctor there who advised I report it to the police. I just can’t bring myself too at the moment as I’m not ready to put a bomb under my life despite him already doing that this morning.

He is saying I didn’t stop him so he assumed consent.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 23/08/2024 19:02

Biggaybear · 23/08/2024 13:07

Did he refuse though ?

Sounds like he didnt bother to use one. But also did OP say anything. By sounds of it she didnt.

Not saying what he did was right after their conversation about it but there doesn't appear that there was any conversation this morning when OP agreed to sex.

I've seen the tea video so I understand consent. I just think OP needs to use her words more if that is what happened.

Show quote history

You don’t understand consent.

She had withdrawn her consent to have sex without a condom. It’s on him to check if she does now consent if he wants to not use a condom.

Not using her words” does not imply or give consent.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/08/2024 23:35

Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 18:59

I have spoken to rape crisis who said it was stealthing and rape and sign posted me to SARC so I called them and spoke to the doctor there who advised I report it to the police. I just can’t bring myself too at the moment as I’m not ready to put a bomb under my life despite him already doing that this morning.

He is saying I didn’t stop him so he assumed consent.

I was encouraged to report it to the police. They did bugger all. Said it was my word against his and I had no proof. That was the end of that conversation. To be honest, the police let me down so badly I made a formal complaint and got a full apology. In my experience they are useless with stuff like this.

BeNavyCrab · 24/08/2024 00:00

Florence19791 · 23/08/2024 18:59

I have spoken to rape crisis who said it was stealthing and rape and sign posted me to SARC so I called them and spoke to the doctor there who advised I report it to the police. I just can’t bring myself too at the moment as I’m not ready to put a bomb under my life despite him already doing that this morning.

He is saying I didn’t stop him so he assumed consent.

I can completely understand your feelings and not being able to deal with it at the moment. It's totally fine to take some time to get to the place where you feel comfortable with the decision to go to the police or decide it's not for you. You need to do what will make you feel better.

You have been attacked by someone you thought you could trust. That is a massive shock, as well as a further betrayal.

We all know that the conviction rate for rape is woeful but it can be empowering to get it on record. It might also give him the understanding of what he's done to you. Equally if you don't want to do this, it's totally fine too.

Saying "you didn't stop me, so I thought it was ok" is such bullshit. Don't let him get in your head. You clearly communicated that you didn't want sex without a condom, and he was aware that they had just been bought for that reason. There's nothing he can say to mitigate it. He raped you full stop!!

kkloo · 24/08/2024 00:07

Biggaybear · 23/08/2024 13:07

Did he refuse though ?

Sounds like he didnt bother to use one. But also did OP say anything. By sounds of it she didnt.

Not saying what he did was right after their conversation about it but there doesn't appear that there was any conversation this morning when OP agreed to sex.

I've seen the tea video so I understand consent. I just think OP needs to use her words more if that is what happened.

Show quote history

Yes he refused.
She had told him that he was supposed to wear a condom. He knew and understand that and then didn't use one. He was aware that he had to use them. He didn't.
The OP does not have to tell him her rules every single time they have sex....or 'use her words' as you put it. She used her words already.

I have some things that are 'hard nos'. I wouldn't expect to have to constantly 'use my words' to tell my partner every time. And if he ever did one of those things without me explicity saying that I had changed my mind and those things were now ok I would consider it to be assault.

Clearly you don't understand consent.
If someone told you you weren't allowed to do something then would you expect them to constantly tell you that or else you'd assume that this time you actually had consent to do it??

Franjipanl8r · 24/08/2024 00:46

It sounds like the end of your relationship. Focus on that for now, you can always report to the police later.

systemicmotivations · 24/08/2024 00:57

This is an experience in which control was taken away from you in the moment. It is not surprising you felt frozen at the time. You will be told over and over to report it, but the key thing for the moment is allowing yourself a level of control here where possible. One part of that is you can choose whether you want to report or not. Do what feels most manageable for you at the moment. I do strongly encourage that you end any relationship with the man in question. Consider the relationships you hope your children find as adults and remember you are as deserving of love and safety as anyone else. I hope you have good support around you and that you're being patient with yourself. Do not communicate any further with the man, no good will come of contacting him. Take care OP Flowers

Bestfootforward11 · 24/08/2024 01:27

I am sorry this has happened to you and hope you are ok.
This case is relevant on the law (para 95 is helpful)
www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Admin/2011/2849.html