I don’t think I consented

[Florence19791]

Name changed but been here over 20 years.

With DP for over 5 years. He has a history of cheating and I took him back. Recently we’ve been arguing lots and I’ve been away with my DC and when I got back things didn’t feel right. DP said he wanted to fight for us and I told him that I didn’t trust him due to things feeling adrift.

Anyway, DP does not like to use condoms and for the most part of our relationship we haven’t and when he previously cheated he had STI test at my request. I told him I didn’t want to know if he cheated this time, I just wanted to focus on looking forwards but requested he used condoms whilst we rebuilt trust and cited monkey pox as a risk too. DP agreed and we’ve been spending time together every day since Monday.

This morning we were snuggling in bed when DP indicated he wanted sex and I reciprocated. Except DP didn’t put a condom on and just did it. I was so shocked I just froze and afterwards I felt violated and ran to the bathroom, locked myself in and cried in the shower.

I’ve come home and feel numb and don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry, OP, forgive me. I was so angry with that post that I didn’t address you at all. I’m truly sorry for your experience and I wish you all strength in the time ahead to take the steps you decide are necessary to ensure your well being. I hope you have people around you to enable you to do this, but if this isn’t an easy or a positive option for you, you can feel free to PM me any time.

Take care, and please ignore the (thankfully small amount of) utterly thoughtless comments on here. It goes without saying that you’ve nothing to doubt yourself for.

This vile monster is a cheat a liar and now a rapist.

@Florence19791 please get yourself to safety. You deserve better. You shouldn't have to put up with his disrespect. It is totally understandable that going to the police may be too difficult for you to do that alone.

Can you take a friend or family member with you and report him to the police if nothing else to place it on record? You'll be doing a very brave thing not only for you, but for other women that he may well go on to cheat with. He has history, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

That post is disgusting, and I hope it's removed.

Men should respect what women have or haven't consented to. They shouldn't need to be reminded, tricked or forced.

There is no such thing as caught up in the moment. That's apologist language for men who use women for their own sexual gratification, without any care about their feelings or wishes, that's the stark reality.

This vile lowlife could easily have done what he knew he should do, because of the conversation he'd already had with @Florence19791 when it wasn't "in the moment". What didn't he understand about her wishes? He understood everything and conveniently ignored her wishes because he didn't want to use a condom.

and all the while he continues to be in the relationship he has the possibility of doing it again. That's the risk.

I’m sorry but if this was me In the situation it would not of continued

This is victim blaming bullshit.

When you are being raped, assaulted or attacked it is very, very common to go into flight, fight or freeze. It’s how our bodies try and keep us safe from dangerous situations potentially getting worse. It’s impossible to say how you, or anyone else, would react,

Please ask MN to remove your post - otherwise you are part of the rape culture that makes reporting incidents like this so hard.

You need to apologise to OP and educate yourself.
You clearly haven’t been in this situation or of you have are deeply denying it. Practise empathy. Don’t tell other women it’s their fault.

I thought stealthing was when you were started with a condom on then it was removed without your knowledge

@firsttimemum1230 glad I'm not the only one seeing if from another POV!

glad I'm not the only one seeing if from another POV!

I mean, your post is also victim blaming bullshit, so you’re not wrong.

“She did nothing to stop him” is right up there with “Her skirt was too short” in the tops 10 ways we make women responsible for men raping, assaulting or attacking them.

There isn't another point of view. You're coming from a personal viewpoint of where your bar is set when it comes to men. Maybe you should raise it.

If I said "I don't want to do anal any more", that should be the only time I have to say that. You understand that easily, I hope?

How is saying "I insist on condoms from now on" any different?

Re proof, it could be useful to have a chat about him with it via WhatsApp or similar so you have a record

There was a good women's hour section on stealthing a couple of months ago:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00208nx

Leave this sexually-entitled jerk.

At best, he doesn't care about you and your body and your feelings about your body. At worst, he is deliberately testing the waters to see whether you will tolerate boundary infractions as part of a pattern of abuse. Either way, you deserve better than this.

You don't want to know if he's cheated again? Why? You've got kids to think about op, do you want them to see you in a relationship being disrespected, used like an object, cheated on, sexually assaulted? He's vile. He had an sti before, you're putting yourself at huge risk here not just mentally but physically. Please just leave the arse hole, there's no other advice I can give.

You need to use a condom with your boyfriend because he shags about ? Is this serious. Oh yeah your rebuilding trust arnt you ! Wake up. You're being taken for a mug. Why are you accepting this. Look into yourself. Get some help and value yourself more. You are letting him do this to you and he will keep on doing it because he can.

I can understand being confused at why op didn't do this but come on the man didn't need reminding to put one on, he bloody knew she wanted to wear them. He just went ahead anyway. Maybe she froze or maybe she wanted to find out if he actually disrespected her that much to do it anyway, you never know how you'll react when this happens. I was raped before and I didnt scream or even push too hard to get the guy off me, I just lay there crying. Should I have punched and kicked?? Was it my fault??

So sorry to hear this. It was in news recently about how little cases actually make it to court

Thanks for taking the time to post again, no need to ‘forgive’. It’s been really helpful to focus on the practicalities rather than the emotions.

Maybe you could just try and be supportive then?? Op doesn't need a haranguing right now

I hope you find the strength to end this relationship and take care of yourself

Op he is a piece of shit and you deserve better. Do yourself and your dc a massive favour and dump him.