Do you ever feel sad seeing another family/marriage that looks ‘perfect’?

[Tammy42]

Now I know there is no such thing as perfect. But sometimes I see friends and their partners and it looks like a truly lovely partnership where they care and look after eachother.
Im divorced now and single but I remember feeling like this somerimes when I was still with my ex husband, like these people have won the jackpot.
My daughter had a play date with a new friend and I stayed a while after we arrived. The parents just seemed so nice and genuine and they both were equally hosting this play date. Made me feel sad I’ve never had that. It’s not something I see in marriages in my own immediate family either but sometimes I see it with others and I think how nice is that.
anyway just an evening thought. I know all is not always as it seems either but occasionally I see the type of relationship I would love to find

No, I think it’s important to watch your thoughts around stuff like this and reframe it.

Eg. Instead of thinking “they’re so bloody lucky, I wish I had that, I’ll never find that” - result- makes you feel like shit.

Instead, think:
”ah how lovely- what a great example of a loving relationship. There is hope that it’s perfectly possible to find this because they have. If it can happen for them it can happen for me.” - result- makes you feel good and hopeful.

Reframing thoughts can be so powerful. Envy is a fast slippery slope to abject misery so let them inspire you rather than make you feel bad. There is nothing special or unique about them. If they’ve found it, so can you.

I agree with pp. Also, think of it as a good example for your daughter. It doesn't sound like she has many good examples in her immediate family, but you want her to grow up with healthy ideas of what a partnership could and should be. So I think you should seek out and encourage those types of environments for her to spend time in.

My friend is married to the love of her life, she calls him her rock. It must be amazing to be married to someone you love, who loves you back. I’m stuck with a husband who isn’t very nice but I can’t afford to leave him.

What are my chances of finding love anyway - I dated for 20 years when I was young and pretty, and never found love. So what are the odds of finding love now I’m fat and old, with birth injuries and menopause, and kids to look after.

As others have said, see it as a positive thing. You still have time to meet someone else and now you know what a healthy, happy relationship looks like you can make sure that you choose the right person for that.

Was just thinking this today, how safe and secure and happy they must feel. In an unhappy situation myself and it’s just so sad

I often thought that when I was married. I'm now divorced and my partner is the type of husband I would have wanted and I feel very grateful to have found him.

@Tammy42 I do often, i wouldnt say jealous as I'm glad they have it but just a bit meloncholic/yearning but am well aware that appearances can be deceptive! However, what really makes me fill up is when I see an older couple who are still very much in love like on 24 hours in A&E when they say we've been together 70 years😭

I think this too, I thought it was just me. Sometimes I feel a bit teary that I'll never have that. And what Toowindy said - they must feel so safe and happy. I can't imagine it.

Not really, but DP is currently on a bit of a downer after we spent last week with some friends whose DC were outgoing, confident, conversant with adults, and proactively helpful while their parents were relaxed in the face of unexpected events, effective problem-solvers and just generally cheering each other on. Everything he feels our DC and he is not (although he did say I was at least as cool and capable as mum-of-other-family). I should think so too...

I totally feel like this too. I really want a partner who is my best friend/soul mate.
My husband and I have nothing in common (except the children) and I don't even think we like each other anymore.
It's very sad but I'm hoping to leave him eventually and I hope one day I'll find my own true love!

Not sad exactly. DS and I have a close relationship, a lovely home and we are happy, healthy and very lucky..

But sometimes I'm a bit puzzled. I've never met a man who turned out to be trustworthy, honest or decent, and I wonder how some women manage to find them. I know they are rare. Is it just luck?

I have had enough times where I thought things looked great and they then turned out to be terrible behind the scenes, that I resolved not to waste my energy. You never know.

It is one thing to wish for something for yourself, but assuming anyone else really has it is unwise I think. It’s so often not true, and it just leads to negativity.

I really acknowledge your wish for these things in your own life though.

I'm with one of those types, he won't even tell a fib to a stranger (annoying sometimes!).

I picked him based on his actions. The second time I met him, he helped an old lady off the bus and walked her down the road to the specific hospital ward she was looking for to make sure she got there okay. He was a teenager at the time.

He listened a lot to what people were saying and was always very laid back. I'm a fiery person, so it's good to balance me out.

He has also never left the toilet seat lid up even once in our 20 year relationship 😂

I didn't pick him based on what music he liked, because I was drunk, or because he was good at flirting. I picked him based on how oppositional we are, how he had zero qualities of either of my parents (often people are drawn to toxic traits their parents had), and how well we worked as a team.

Some people would probably consider him boring. He's not a "bad boy" type. But that's what's made things last.

Yes sometimes I look at other couples and wonder what they love about each other and what they think about when they look at each other.

Dh and I have been together 16 years and see that in us sometimes, too.

No because no one knows people must realise what they assume is something may be something different it is not hard to realise that

Never, because I know there's usually always something behind the scenes the don't show to the world.

We live in a world where no one is truly happy, it's one thing or another. We never know what's happening behind closed doors so never look at couples in a too dreamy way. Only recently I found out a friend who was with her husband of 15 yrs and knew him longer than that and have 2 boys have now divorced... Many break ups don't surprise me no more but there's did, as you would never imagine them breaking up, so perfect together etc .. wasn't till I spoke to her that she said the marriage wasn't all that and he would mentally abuse her and she's finally had the courage to leave.. she's going through therapy now. What ever situation you're in just be content, sometimes it's better to be in your own company then with someone who will bring you down.

Yes, and it's something I'm coming to terms with but grieving that I'll never have. I'm 40 and have full-time care of my 8 year old since his father died. I think I initially thought I might find someone who would join our family and fill a step-dad roll but I'm now accepting I'm never going to "raise a family" with anyone. That's not my life path.

Nope.

I'm cynical. Maybe.

No relationship is perfect, although it can seem that way.

There's always resentment and frustration

I've learned to really catch this type of thinking as ruminating /envy will drive you mad. It's more rare to find and I just think what a lovely couple, there is hope two nice people find each other. Also agree that idealising someone's relationship is...just one perspective. There is always compromise involved.

No relationship is perfect, people Always compromise. If the compromises are well settled and understood by both of them then they can have a happy and harmonious relationship.

I find that most couples who are showing off to be profusely in love, either social media or in events (parties , etc) are the ones that have trouble in real life. One of them is often cheating, no real friendship between them, no real closeness, no support, etc. One of those couples who always claim to be soulmates and the best thing that ever happened to them, was on an emotional affair and then all the other troubles came to light, such as in reality, at home he was always playing video games, not helping at all, not spending any time together, etc.

I have a loving and stable marriage but we both compromise and are happy with each other but are never rubbing it to others.

I don't do comparisons. For one thing; they're completely useless, as we know next to nothing of all the circumstances and personal struggles, the life experiences, the history, which shape and colour other's lives. Happiness or, your sense of peace/fulfilment, is not simply a product of your current job, house, holiday, children or relationship- it's all those things and more mentioned which create your inner world. We all follow our own path- we have different histories, gifts, challenges, requirements. My journey has nothing to do with anyone else's. It's crazy to me (of course I know why we would do it) to take one random couple because they seem to be happy and say: "why not me?" without considering that you're dealing with human beings and their entire lives from development to the present. We cannot transplant a relationship to ourselves anymore than we can replace our backgrounds and lives. Relationships are not fun and games or sunshine and rainbows, they're hard work and the "happy" (for me) comes from a sense that you've done the work and it's paying off. Actually my belief is that there are only moments of happiness, the rest being the work and various stresses, and, that the point you can actually relax and have some peace is in retirement when kids have their own kids and those kids are on the right path. So, to me, not only is the apparent happiness of some other couple meaningless in my life, it's completely inaccurate a picture of what's actually going on -akin to viewing Instagram shares. I think we need to focus on what makes us happy and not look at others assuming we know their lives. I know this is easier said than done, especially if they happen to be friends/family who are regularly in your life. I don't know how to explain to you how exactly, but you can just "switch off" this kind of attitude/thinking - I believe it's a mindset, a belief system, a perspective. I'm the kind of person who could be that single "third wheel", hanging out with a best friend couple, going to their wedding, etc and never feel unaccomplished, less than, stupid or like a "third wheel". To me, I'd never make the comparison because besides being inappropriate (living different lives, having different backgrounds, etc etc) it's also a bit disingenuous, dishonest, as I clearly know and appreciate the life I live, the values and choices I make are who I am and not anyone else. 💖☺️

I have never met a couple who actually shows off I have met people who think what others do reflects on them because they have issues though

Yes I do feel this way. The way I comfort myself is seeing that it's quite rare to meet a couple like this, well maybe not rare but alternatives (ok/unhappy relationship or single not by choice) are more common. So it's not like everyone else has something I don't. It's a shame though. Having someone love and care about you seems like it would be a nice experience.

I know a couple who are genuinely "perfect". They are a real team. Mutual
love and respect. They are well matched and help each other out.

That's one couple in what, say a hundred?

I am sad that I'll never experience that. But I made my choice and I live with the consequences. All that I can do is to try and teach DC what to look for in a partner. But I certainly wouldn't want them to have a marriage like mine.