Do you ever feel sad seeing another family/marriage that looks ‘perfect’?

[Tammy42]

Now I know there is no such thing as perfect. But sometimes I see friends and their partners and it looks like a truly lovely partnership where they care and look after eachother.
Im divorced now and single but I remember feeling like this somerimes when I was still with my ex husband, like these people have won the jackpot.
My daughter had a play date with a new friend and I stayed a while after we arrived. The parents just seemed so nice and genuine and they both were equally hosting this play date. Made me feel sad I’ve never had that. It’s not something I see in marriages in my own immediate family either but sometimes I see it with others and I think how nice is that.
anyway just an evening thought. I know all is not always as it seems either but occasionally I see the type of relationship I would love to find

Not really, not any more. I'm appalling at judging what's going on in other people's relationships. The ones I think won't manage 5 years have just celebrated silver wedding anniversaries, and the ones I think are perfect announce divorces. I'm always just pleased that a couple is still chuntering on together these days.

Also I value sexual connection so much that if I don't fancy either of a couple I can't imagine that they're happy [shallow]

I think we can at times envy things… house, car, money, holiday, top achieving kids etc etc

Before I was married, I envied some friends… as I felt a bit lonely and then socialise became a trio.

Now I’m married… I will never envy anyone who is married… as it’s a very hard set up. Men are difficult and even if they appear perfect… there has been some compromise

I agree with others… try not to envy… it leads to negative thoughts on falsehoods… like those instagram photos…

Yes I do (although I do realise that everything is maybe not always as rosy as it seems). My marriage broke down through my ex husband's affair. Most of my friends are still married and celebrating significant anniversaries, etc. I'm sad that I'll never have that. I'm sad for my children that they are in a broken family.

When my kids were little, I had a couple of friends and their kids round for lunch and for whatever reason, my then DH was home from work, and was running up and down the garden having races in the garden, occupying the kids.

One of my friends, who had recently divorced from her kids dad, got all misty eyed saying that her ex would never do that, spending time engaging with the kids like that.

The real story was he only ever did that when we were in company, if it was someone he wanted to impress. It was all performative. He never came to the kids parents evenings and only very occasionally took any interest in their activities. And he rarely went along to any of their musical or drama performances. (They both play an instrument at grade 6 so there were many performances he missed over the years.)

We’re now divorcing and many people were shocked when we split because they always thought we had a nice relationship. In reality, he was abusive in many ways. I still have fortnightly therapy to unravel the damage he did to me and his relationship with the kids is shaky now they are in their 20s.

Not everything is as it seems from a snapshot.

I once had a friend tell me that me and my husband made her sick…we were so perfect, her quote was “ like a hallmark movie”. She was going through a lot in her relationship at the time and they divorced not long after that.
what she didn’t know was that i looked at another friend in that way.,,I thought they had it all (and they still do as far as I know) and she doesn’t know that I have since also separated because well ultimately…I was unhappy. Moral of the story @Tammy42!?You have NO IDEA, literally not an iota how people are actually doing and what their relationship is like unfortunately.

My story is similar to this.

my marriage certainly isn't "perfect" but I feel a deep sense of love ancompanionship for my DH. I truly respect him and feel cherished and respected in return.

Although things were very stressful when the kids were very young and we were very broke, he has really grown into fatherhood and loves being a husband. The early days were tough too. I think there was a lot of power struggles and petty gripes until we learned how to communicate better and compromise.

When I met him he was just back from volunteering abroad and helped out at local community events. He had hobbies but was more interested in helping people rather then impressing them. He kind of dances to his own tune and doesn't really care what people think, which I love, and I think is very healthy.

We have very similar values, both being very family driven, valuing relationships and time spent together, but our personalities are very different, I can be quite chaotic but he is very steadying.

I am very content in our relationship and I'm confident he is too. He is my best friend, I'm genuinely chuffed we get to do life together.

I know for a fact some friends would have dismissed him as being "dull" or "boring" (because they told me so!) but I actually think lots about that quiet contented energy makes him a great life partner.

I have definitely thought that and I know exactly what you mean but I also know not everything is at it seems.
I have two close friends who are still with their respective husbands and look like "perfect" couples but each friend confessed to forms of infidelity by their partners when my own marriage ended. One of them has never told her husband that she discovered he had been "sexting" younger women.

By contrast, my sibling and partner have a great relationship and have been together over 30 years. They are genuinely best friends and are so happy together.
I often draw my kids' attention to their relationship because it's a good role model for them to have.

While I hope the couple you describe are as happy as they appear, there are so many couples I've felt envious of and I've later become aware of an issue that I know I couldn't cope with, or they've split up etc. it makes me aware of not overlooking the positives in my own situation.

I agree about reframing. I know that I don't have that but I really hope if for my daughter

Yes, I genuinely hope my sibling's relationship is as good as think it is!
What I hope my kids see is the respectful way they treat each other & how they both are supportive of each other. My kids didn't see that enough in their own parents' relationship.

As others have said, you need to focus on the blessings and things you do have, because comparison is the thief of happiness.

And I too know of family who appear the perfect family - gorgeous looking (complete with insta full of amazing images), great jobs and huge income, seem well connected and have been together for 15 years....but under the surface there are huge mental health issues, infidelity in the past, additional needs children who they struggle to support/understand, hidden smoking and vaping, a lot of debt, and a constant need to impress through material things (on Instagram of course)....Yet to meet them and have a chatter you would think life is perfect.

Think of it as luck . Luck their paths crossed and they found each other . My friend envies my marriage as she can't seem to find a decent man ,but I envy her career and the close supportive family she has . We are all blessed in different ways .

I thought this a lot during my abusive marriage,y divorce and for a while afterwards. I spent lots of time with DC's school friends' parents as there is quite a big 'gang'.

As time went on, I'd see little cracks here and there in a few of the perfect relationships - not everything was rosy - and my DC would come home telling me about someone's parents falling out - of course all we'd see on SM was their get-back-together weekends away and #livelaughlove #family.

15 years on some of those marriages are still amazing, as good on the inside as they look from outside. Some are still limping along because 'after all this time we might as well' despite some serious unhappiness. A few have split up and revealed that it was mostly all BS and keeping up with the Joneses which is sad.

With age has come the acknowledgement and acceptance that some folks truly do find everlasting happiness - I might not be 100% happy in every aspect of my relationship but I don't rely on others for my happiness, I have other ways of finding fulfillment in my life - hard to see that when you're in the trenches of parenting and mortgage paying and juggling life though.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You have no idea what happens when you leave! Especially true of social media. Focus on what you have with your daughter, and that it's better to be single that in a crap relationship. And you never know when you might meet someone who is right for you.

There is no such thing g ax a perfect marriage or relationship. People tell you what they want you to know and let you see what they want you to see . The relationships I've seen that have lasted are the ones everyone thought wouldn't last or the couple seem mismatched. You don't know people until you have lived with them.

A friend once said to me that nobody has it all. Nobody has a wonderful relationship, fulfiling and well paid work, the number of kids they want, a good relationship with extended family, good health for them and their family etc. IME this is very true. So while I might look at some people's relationships and wish I had what they had, they are probably looking at some aspect of my life and wishing for that.

Plus as a PP said, I didn't make a good choice of life partner and I have to take responsibility for that and try to make sure that my DC has more of a clue when picking a partner than I did!

I do occasionally, looking at my husband wondering how I managed to get stuck with him. Then i remember he probably does the same looking at me, he is stuck with me!

I'm sorry you're having to make do. Maybe you can have a rethink when the dch are older and life is not all so relentless. In the meantime, rely on your friends. xx

I know what you mean OP. It’s OK to be sad but try to use that energy to improve life for yourself in small and big ways. You’re worth it.

A friend once said to me that nobody has it all. Nobody has a wonderful relationship, fulfiling and well paid work, the number of kids they want, a good relationship with extended family, good health for them and their family etc. IME this is very true.

This is great advice also.