Help me understand his behaviour please

[Tiredandconfused23]

DP has recently started a very stressful job at the same time as a crisis erupted over his aging parents. He wants me to be supportive, however, despite my best efforts, I keep doing things that further upset him - for example, I offered a hug (he’s always liked hugs) but he tenses and doesn’t want it. But then, if I give him space, he complains about me not wanting to spend time with him.

If I mention the news he gets unhappy because it adds to his stress. I can’t mention my own stresses likewise. When I ask what he wants that’s a stress too. But if I don’t, what I do doesn’t scratch the itch or isn’t enough.

He’s mentioned a couple of times recently he’s weighing up whether to end our relationship once the stresses have abated (as there’s too much on his plate to deal with that as well). But when I react to this he gets upset about the stress of me getting worried about that brings too.

But when I feel worn down by this, think I can’t win and that maybe I’m just a bad match for him, he accuses me of being dramatic and self-sabotaging and that he’s hurt that I could question our relationship when he so obviously needs support.

I feel I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. Can anyone help me understand what’s going on? Do very stressed people behave like this? And if so, how do I respond?

Just to add: the reason he’s been thinking of ending our relationship once things calm down is because he doesn’t feel he trusts me enough to be supportive anymore and that I’m only adding stress, for reasons outlined above.

Sorry he is treating you so badly.

what was he like before? Has he threatened to end the relationship before?

Suggest in the short term you do whatever helps YOU at the moment and think and do less for him.

This. You sound like a good and supportive wife, you’re doing your best.
Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to be the impossible missing link, he needs to appreciate you as you are and solve his own issues. I don’t usually set much store on therapy, but this sounds like a situation where it might be appropriate. Any work scheme on offer?

Not end it, no, but there’s been times when he’s been “seriously concerned” and/or offended about things - e.g. asking if he was happy to come on a holiday my parents had invited us to join them on, as he thought it suggested I didn’t see us as a proper couple (I.e. if they’d invited us and I wanted to go, then it should be assumed, as a proper couple, it was his duty to go too).

I think he just wants someone to tell him what to do all the time, like I’m a parent. But I’m not really like that.

Thanks - he’s agreed to do joint therapy. Although that’s obviously the last thing he wants on his mind with everything else going on.

I'd make the choice for him, frankly,

We all have stress. He's behaving like an abusive prick and has you walking on eggshells.

"He’s mentioned a couple of times recently he’s weighing up whether to end our relationship "

Why on earth would you stay with him after that comment ?

Have you asked him what he'd like you to do? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

It sounds like his needs aren't being met and he's getting pissed off with you for it, without him actually telling you what he wants. You're not a mindreader, but it seems he wants you to be. Don't feel you're doing anything wrong here; he needs to tell you what is problem is, if he's not happy. You're not meant to have to guess.

How long have you been together and how long has he been like this? Do you live together? Does it look like the work or parent situation will ease anytime soon?

It’s ringing alarm bells that you’re twisting yourself into knots trying to act “right” for him and support him in the “right” way. You’re walking on eggshells.

giving him the benefit of the doubt, i would ask for examples of how he’d like to be supported or what he sees as support.

He's giving you head fucks deliberately. He's messing with you so you jump through hoops of appeasement, walking on eggshells and changing your tone and timings.

Why? Because he is abusive.
https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Oh... and don't do joint therapy. It is advised not to do it with an abusive, controlling, manipulative person. Which he is.

@LizzyBennett he says he wants to wait until the stresses have died down in case it’s the stress making him think this and it’ll be something he regrets. I think mainly though, he doesn’t want to have it out now as it’ll only add to his stress.

@Watchkeys Before it’s been basically “don’t be negative or stressed around me” - but as pp said that just leads to walking on eggshells. Today I persisted in finding what he wanted and he said he just doesn’t want to have to think - he wants someone to be a parent figure who’ll set out strict routines and keep things ordered in an almost military fashion at home. But he knows I’m not like that. I get things done, yes, but I’ve never been obsessive in that way. So I can’t promise that. My brain’s not built like that. But I think that’s what he wants now and I don’t know if he’s fallen out of love with me because he doesn’t respect me because I’m not like that or if it’s the stress talking.

Just over two years. I did wonder if it’s just the end of the honeymoon period.

I'd be looking for another woman somewhere, OP.

He's treating you badly, telling you he wants to end it........ saying he's stressed.

I don't buy it. He's got someone else lined up.

So he tells you he's thinking of ending the relationship ... and then he's hurt that you could ever question the relationship?

He won't accept a hug or an offer of support, and then he complains you're not doing enough to help him?

No wonder you feel you can't do anything right ... you can't! Through no fault of your own. Sounds like he is deliberately setting you up to fail. He feels the need to lash out at someone and blame them for something – anything – to make himself feel better. Because then it's not his fault that things are bad! And unfortunately, you're right there in the firing line.

Sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful. If you do get a therapist, make sure he or she is a forceful type who will take absolutely no nonsense, and has no qualms about telling someone (your DH) that no matter how bad they feel, they still have a responsibility to control their behaviour.

he wants someone to be a parent figure who’ll set out strict routines and keep things ordered in an almost military fashion at home

You said you feel you might just be a bad match for him; have you considered that he might be a bad match for you?

Everything you're saying is about what he thinks of you.

What do you think of him? How come you are so desperately trying to think of how to please him? How hard does he think of how to please you?

So he wants you to hang about and support him through the difficult times (aka be his punch bag), while he's emotionally abusive and has you walking on egg shells...... and then when he's less stressed and in a better frame of mind he'll end it??!

I'd be ending it now.....

@zaxxon Thanks - that’s a lot of food for thought.

@Watchkeys I suppose the issue is he’s the one currently under stress at work and dealing with a family crisis - so I should be the one who’s being leaned on more right now. I’m the one who needs to be the rock and offer support.

He IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU OP.

If you are not married, nor living together, then cut your losses.

The honeymoon phase? Really? No that is not it, its abuse.

Look up Dr Ramini on Youtube, she will put everything in perspective for you.

Lundy Bancroft too.

2 years in and no DC? Leave!

As others have said, you are walking on eggshells trying to please a man who will never be pleased no matter what you do. His behaviour is emotionally abusive and stress is no excuse. You are not the problem here.
Beat him to the punch and leave him.

I can sympathise with you, OP, I know where you're coming from. But I've had some relationship therapy too, with a somewhat similar dynamic, and one of the things the therapist said was, "You are not responsible for how he feels." She actually said to me, "It's not your fault."

Think about it – it's not your fault.

He said he's weighing up whether or not to end the relationship. That tells you all you need to know, OP

Agree. He's monkey branching and making up excuses about OP's alleged deficiences to rationalize it.

I’m the one who needs to be the rock and offer support

This doesn't really make sense, though, does it? You're posting on a forum because you're at your wits' end. How come 'looking after your own needs first' applies to him and not you?

How are you looking after your own needs, on that subject? What do you do that's just for you?

"he wants someone to be a parent figure who’ll set out strict routines and keep things ordered in an almost military fashion at home"

He says he wants that, but if you gave him that he would bitch about you acting like his mother.
He is going to move the goalposts on you because he simply does not want to be satisfied with you.
Don't be fooled. He asks the impossible of you precisely because he knows it is impossible, therefore he gets to continue to assault your self esteem for not measuring up.