Help me understand his behaviour please

[Tiredandconfused23]

DP has recently started a very stressful job at the same time as a crisis erupted over his aging parents. He wants me to be supportive, however, despite my best efforts, I keep doing things that further upset him - for example, I offered a hug (he’s always liked hugs) but he tenses and doesn’t want it. But then, if I give him space, he complains about me not wanting to spend time with him.

If I mention the news he gets unhappy because it adds to his stress. I can’t mention my own stresses likewise. When I ask what he wants that’s a stress too. But if I don’t, what I do doesn’t scratch the itch or isn’t enough.

He’s mentioned a couple of times recently he’s weighing up whether to end our relationship once the stresses have abated (as there’s too much on his plate to deal with that as well). But when I react to this he gets upset about the stress of me getting worried about that brings too.

But when I feel worn down by this, think I can’t win and that maybe I’m just a bad match for him, he accuses me of being dramatic and self-sabotaging and that he’s hurt that I could question our relationship when he so obviously needs support.

I feel I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore. Can anyone help me understand what’s going on? Do very stressed people behave like this? And if so, how do I respond?

I'd say "I obviously can't do right for doing wrong, so rather than adding to your already stressful life, I'll bow out now and alleviate you of the stress of deciding whether or not to end the relationship."

My very strong belief is that there is another woman, and he is working very hard at getting you to end the relationship so he doesn't have to.

However, whether he's cheating or not is irrelevant. He is emotionally abusing you. His a cruel, immature, manipulative twat who has no regard for you at all.

This relationship is already over, so please do yourself a kindness by leaving him and never looking back.

He needs to grow some and stop being such a feckin drama queen. You deserve better than this tosser. Leave him to it, he has another agenda, which doesn't include you, regardless of how many hoops you jump through.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.

He's going through a lot, he sounds like he has some depressive symptoms. He has a lot of emotions, he doesn't know how to handle said emotions..which also creates frustration and lack of communication, which creates more frustration and stress.

I think a therapist would help. Help you understand what exactly he needs and help him understand exactly what he wants from you. Sometimes you just have a take a minute and actually search your emotions and break it down..but sometimes we need a little help with finding how to do that.

He's using you as his stress toy/emotional punch bag. Rather than find healthy ways to manage his stress and emotions, he has instead decided to distract himself by bullying you.
He is deliberately finding ways to put you in the wrong whatever you do so he can release some feelings by taking them out on you.
The threats to end the marriage are part of the same behaviour. Start a marital crisis that he's in charge of and can stop at any time, because that's easier (and in a twisted way, feels empowering for him) than dealing with things where he lacks control, such as his work or family.
Very very occasionally you can make (good) people see when they're doing this, by pointing it out to them. However, in many cases they will be in denial, or lack awareness, and will continue until they feel better in their wider life. By which time of course it may be too late for the relationship.

2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Leave. You can't do anything right so far better to be alone and at least make yourself happy!

i don't think you need couple therapy. i think he needs his own therapist to sort his own baggage out. otherwise couples therapy will just be you being a sound board for all his frustration, as it doesn't at all sound like he's invested in being an equal team player in the relationship right now- due to his own personal emotional/mental health issues.

Gosh there's a lot about his needs and wants.
He's stressed.
He needs someone who will be his rock who can be supportive, he feels that's not you, which is adding to his stress.
He can't listen to what's stressing you, as that adds to his stress.
He's thinking of ending the relationship - but you can't be worried or upset - because as you've guessed - it causes him stress.
Just stop dancing to his tune, he's shutting you down every way you turn because it causes him stress!
He wants to control you and won't accept any push back because it causes him stress!
Just leave, make the decision for him.

He’s mentioned a couple of times recently he’s weighing up whether to end our relationship once the stresses have abated (as there’s too much on his plate to deal with that as well).

Just end it as him saying this is such so out of order. If he isn't sure about you (stressed or not) then you shouldn't even want to be with him. Nothing sounds to be good enough to him and everything you do is wrong so no point being together,

@5128gap thanks for this. I’m starting to wonder if there might be something in this. Since I posted, he did retract a bit, saying he knew someone who was military-like would be a bad fit for him and that he definitely didn’t want to end things. He wants to try couples counselling to address why he’s feeling this way toward me (which he now admits might be a “him” issue) and work things through.

Things relaxed and we’re getting better, until the counselling came up yesterday in passing. I mentioned it being in relation to it being partly to do with him questioning whether he wanted to be with me and then it all kicked off. He was upset I felt (in his words) “uncomfortable” with me (extrapolated from me thinking he might still be questioning our relationship). That he’d been feeling more secure with me, but this had upset everything again (because he didn’t think he could lean on me if I was “uncomfortable” again). That things had been really lovely today but this had ruined it. I tried to say “uncomfortable” was the wrong word, that I’d been anxious and misunderstood that he was not questioning things now and was happy that was the case but that didn’t make a difference. He ended up being in a bit of a mood all night and then messaged me today suggesting that he still had to digest what we discussed and that it badly affected his performance in a sports event.

I just don’t know what to do. I know my own anxiety maybe made me assume he was still tentative about our relationship but this just seems such a huge overreaction and there’s nothing I can think of to calm things down. I’m not going to beg or pander. I’m sorry it triggered him but this doesn’t seem helpful it just seems a massive sulk -or as you said using it to offload his stress. Maybe that’s me being toxic or abusive considering that rather than being understanding or missing his view. I don’t know, but at the very least it doesn’t feel like we’re healthy for each other if that’s the case. I’m just tired of the dramas and haven’t the energy to try and fix things anymore.

A boyfriend is solely for massively enhancing your life and making it fun. This one is fucking with you, got you pandering to him, going to counselling, for what?
Dump him, life is for enjoying.

He sounds an absolute nightmare OP. This is him under stress. Would you behave like this if you were under stress? I wouldn't - because I'm not an egotistical bully who feels entitled to throw all my problems at someone else. He would only get worse if you had children. I'd leave now OP whilst it's relatively straightforward to do so.

I think the take away from that is that its not OK for you to be honest unless it's wholly positive. Uncomfortable is about the mildest expression of feeling one can have. "I feel uncomfortable" isn't a blaming phrase, it takes ownership for your feelings, and is the text book way to raise issues. If even that isn't OK, because it triggers him and spoils his sports performance I'm not sure there's any way it will be 'permissable' for you to raise anything at all with him.

So what we have here is lip service to addressing things. He will acknowledge the things he's happy to, but only those. It isn't an open and honest dialogue at all as if anything comes up he doesn't want to hear he will punish you with his exaggerated reactions and blame. He isn't where he needs to be for this to work out, because he is not allowing you a voice.

OP have you ever read this thread? Pinned to the top of relationships thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Honestly, this is not ok. There's a difference between being 'a rock' for a partner or friend having a hard time, and being made to feel that you aren't allowed to have feelings or a voice. It's hard to hear but it's not a healthy relationship and previous posters are right, it's all about him and his needs. Hope you've got friends or family you can talk to?