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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One night stand/s anyone?

31 replies

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 12:58

I am 35 F, married with kids and have been in a long term relationship for close to 15 years.. I have only ever had sex with my husband.. I am really wanting attention from other men - sad I know.. but I feel sexual lately or like I need more/something different.. I love my DH he is great, we’ve had our differences and he cheated in the past which we worked through..

now I really want to have a few new sexual experiences. I want to keep my family and DH.. I don’t want to throw it all away.. have my cake and eat it.. ://///

any advice? I don’t feel ready to communicate this to DH as I’m sure sure how it will go down..

to be honest, not even sure I’d meet anyone without being proactive about it as I don’t work.. I’m a housewife..

OP posts:
Pineappleprep · 22/08/2024 13:04

Leave your husband if you want to sleep with other men. Alternatively, ask him if he'd be open to an open relationship.

Just because he cheated doesn't mean you should.

ginasevern · 22/08/2024 13:09

Casual, no strings attached sex is rarely without complications, so be prepared for that and also be prepared for your DH to find out. Obviously don't have unprotected sex either, that wouldn't be fair to your DH. If you want to explore then suggest an open marriage to your husband. Only you know how he'll react but many more men than women are amenable to the idea (for obvious reasons). He may well be delighted.

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 13:18

We touched on it one time and he said he would hate the thought of another man with me…

OP posts:
KhakiShaker · 22/08/2024 13:21

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 13:18

We touched on it one time and he said he would hate the thought of another man with me…

Well then there’s your answer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yozzer87 · 22/08/2024 13:22

Leave your husband, have an open marriage, work on it with your husband or put up with it. Those are your choices. Cheating isn't an option and will only cause more trouble than it's worth.

MissingMoominMamma · 22/08/2024 13:24

Get a sex toy and fantasise.

Don’t cheat; it won’t make you happy.

Coconutter24 · 22/08/2024 13:24

Leave your DH, don’t cheat! Just because you worked through it when he cheated doesn’t mean your relationship will survive it again. It’s very shallow to want attention from random people. You say you don’t want to communicate about it with your DH because you know how it will go down… so there’s your answer, grow up and focus on your marriage or end it.

MightyGoldBear · 22/08/2024 13:38

Do you feel this could be a response from your partner cheating? Have you had any therapy to really process that betrayal?

It's likely you'd find the nsa experiences unfulfilling especially if you are looking for them to provide validation etc

By talking openly with you partner about how you're feeling you will allow the possibility for more intimacy and connection.

Sayingitstraight · 22/08/2024 13:58

Bored housewife 🤔

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 14:34

I feel like I have processed it as it was such a long time ago.. but who knows..

I think it’s more as I’ve grown, changed and seek something different sexually speaking.. on occasion not all the time..! Just to merely try something new..

anyone with experience of open relationships?? Did it / does it work? What are the pros and cons xx

OP posts:
eggandchip · 22/08/2024 14:34

I have a lot of one nighters when i want it best times are on my holidays or breaks away.
BUT im single have been for year dont go cheating its not worth it.
Are you really happy with your husband because if you was you would not be thinking of cheating.

redrudolph · 22/08/2024 14:38

How would you feel if he had the urge to do this?
if either of you are wanting to cheat, then you should not be together.

Thiswayforward · 22/08/2024 14:38

I personally couldn’t cope with an open relationship and it doesn’t sound like your dh could either. Is this a case of what you have missed out on. In my experience one night stands are just that. One night and it’s done. Nothing to miss from that. I prefer the emotional connection. Someone suggested sex toys maybe that’s what you need and a few weekends away with your dh to bring the spark back?? If not maybe there is more going on for you. What are you really looking for??

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/08/2024 14:50

You will have likely have enjoyable sex from a one night stand. I've had a few and they've never been invested in my pleasure - you need a bit of emotional connection and build up for them to care enough to want to pleasure you. There are apps like field feeld or something like that for respectful casual sex.
You might want to suggest couples therapy to discuss this with your husband. Or consider swinging or doing to a sex party together?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/08/2024 14:50

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/08/2024 14:50

You will have likely have enjoyable sex from a one night stand. I've had a few and they've never been invested in my pleasure - you need a bit of emotional connection and build up for them to care enough to want to pleasure you. There are apps like field feeld or something like that for respectful casual sex.
You might want to suggest couples therapy to discuss this with your husband. Or consider swinging or doing to a sex party together?

Sorry I mean you will be UNlikely

Oohmegrapes · 22/08/2024 15:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 16:55

Just to reiterate I don’t want to cheat at all!!!

OP posts:
EBearhug · 22/08/2024 16:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Don't do this.

You need to talk to your husband if your sex life is unsatisfying. It may be something you can work through if you communicate about it. It is possible you can use toys together, get a babysitter in to spend more time together just the two of you, a weekend away... Or maybe you've grown apart and the relationship needs to end.

ONSs can be fun, but if you need an emotional connection, they probably won't be. People in ONSs are usually there for their own pleasure, so you need to be fairly selfish about taking your pleasure - but if I'm having a good time, then usually the other person is too. It has amazed me how few men ask about contraception or insist on wearing a condom - most will not mention it at all until I do.

Swinging or an open relationship can work, but again, it depends on the person and how much emotional connection you need. It needs a lot of communication, honesty and trust with your current partner, and to keep checking in to see how it is going, because how you think it will be is almost definitely not how it will be in reality. Again, it's definitely not something that works for everyone.

Whatever you decide to do, don't lie. I'm quite a fan of a ONS, but I'm single. I do not knowingly go with men who aren't, and the couple of times I've found out they weren't, it pissed me off - I'm not willingly getting involved with a couple, and particularly not if one of them is unaware, and I don't appreciate being forced into that because a guy failed to mention he had a wife or girlfriend already. (I suppose there could be others who have succeeded in covering up an existing relationship, but I don't feel resentful because I don't know; I would be pissed off if I found out, but as I'm not going to see them again, it's unlikely.)

Just don't go behind your husband's back. Talk to him. If you can't work out how to improve things between the two of you - do it if he agrees willingly - that does not mean you coerce him into it in any way. Or break up and then do it.

TheBeesKnee · 22/08/2024 16:59

Sex clubs might be for you? There are specific "greedy girls" nights and couples and single ladies nights. A good club will vet and filter the men. There's an excellent one in North London 👀

He is a hypocrite if he's happy cheating on you but doesn't want you to stray.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 22/08/2024 17:01

I'm really confused. Is there actually a question here? Are you asking for peoples experiences of cheating on their partners? Or just general experiences of ONS?

If you don't want to have more sex with your husband, and/or he's not up for whatever sort of "different sexual experience" you're looking for, then this needs discussing in its own right.

MounjaroUser · 22/08/2024 17:04

You are in an incredibly vulnerable situation as you don't work outside the home. It makes it very difficult for you to make any decisions because you can't just say, "I've had enough, then." I'm sure this was factored in when you discovered he was cheating.

My advice would be to get yourself back into the workplace and then figure out whether you want to stay married.

MillshakePickle · 22/08/2024 17:04

In my experience, one night stands are fairly shit. Men are generally selfish, and sex with connection and lust are the best kinds of sex for me anyway.

I stopped one nighters early on as they often left me feeling hollow and used.

I had a couple of fwb set ups and they worked well and had some great sex that way. The best sex I've had, though, has always been with my H.

It's not worth tearing up your family for.

The grass isn't always greener.

Why don't you speak to H and suggest something new to try or whatever it is that's piqued your fancy. Introduce toys and new positions, whatever you feel comfortable with.

If you can't make yourself a little bit vulnerable to your husband in opening up about wanting more from your sex life, you're definitely not ready to experience the harsh cold reality of casual sex.

Good luck

50shadedofmagnolia · 22/08/2024 17:06

Not proud but I do with females occasionally without my long long long term partner knowing 🤷‍♀️.
He probably wouldn't even be that annoyed as it's with females not males but I can't be certain so i keep quiet

AdviceNeeded2024 · 22/08/2024 17:26

Rhythmisadance · 22/08/2024 16:55

Just to reiterate I don’t want to cheat at all!!!

So what exactly are you asking? You say you want ONS then keep reiterating you don’t want to cheat, I don’t understand what you want from this thread other than maybe some wank material 🤷‍♀️

NewspaperDoll · 22/08/2024 17:41

MillshakePickle · 22/08/2024 17:04

In my experience, one night stands are fairly shit. Men are generally selfish, and sex with connection and lust are the best kinds of sex for me anyway.

I stopped one nighters early on as they often left me feeling hollow and used.

I had a couple of fwb set ups and they worked well and had some great sex that way. The best sex I've had, though, has always been with my H.

It's not worth tearing up your family for.

The grass isn't always greener.

Why don't you speak to H and suggest something new to try or whatever it is that's piqued your fancy. Introduce toys and new positions, whatever you feel comfortable with.

If you can't make yourself a little bit vulnerable to your husband in opening up about wanting more from your sex life, you're definitely not ready to experience the harsh cold reality of casual sex.

Good luck

Yup. Beware the orgasm gap OP. Sounds more like you want someone to chase you and desire you. That validation is pretty unlikely with a ONS, especially if you source it online rather than IRL.