DP's Only Fans discovery - what does a mum do?

[AskingTheVillage]

Dear mums/advice-givers,

I don't know what to do and would love some advice from you all.

I have been in a relationship with my DP (not married, he hasn't asked) for 4 years and we have a 2-years-old DD. Since half-way through the pregnancy we haven't had sex more than 6 x total (6 times in approx. 2.5 years!!!). I have tried to discuss this with him many times because I definitely want to have more intimacy and sex but he seems not interested, which has been very sad. I have been feeling like a failure and unattractive to him. I also want another child and he says he does too. But always with a caveat (such as, we need a bigger house first etc.). We seem to be on different wavelengths quite a lot but never for long because we obviously have our DD's happiness to consider.

Over the last couple of months though, my senses - gut feeling, whatever you want to call it - have been sending warning signals. Bit of background - in my two previous long term relationships before this I was both times cheated on, over years! I always had a feeling something was up but was with some very talented liars who knew how to cover their tracks. I promised myself since then that I would listen more to my gut feeling.

Now my gut feeling told me for months "maybe something is up" so i started checking his phone - I know, I shouldn't but I've been so burned before. I've been spot checking on him and his ex-colleague who just seems to have a massive crush on him. They meet up for after-work drinks, so i can't gather too much what's going on but am not massively worried. But the feeling continued and the loneliness in bed too. So tonight I checked his phone again and found: he has been taking out subscriptions on various girls on Only Fans. And sending them money. Almost daily, for at least the last year. And on at least one occasion that i can see messaged one as well but i think he has deleted some messages. He seems to find some of these girls on Facebook and Instagram (we are NOT connected on either because he says he uses those only for very old friends to stay in touch, so him and I are not even linked in any way on social media, despite 4 years together).

I feel so hurt. He is looking at other women, and PAYING them. As with many people I wouldn't worry too much if it was 'just' porn but this is so much more personal. You are literally putting money in another woman's non-existing pockets.

But what do i do? I feel like it's cheating but I also feel like he will argue his way out of it. He always does with every disagreement we have.

I would love to walk out for a while to see how I feel about this but of course can't, because of our daughter. What do you do when you have a child to consider? I also can't afford rent and nursery should our relationship break up over this. It feels scarily existential to me. Hence, I've been awake all night and writing to you now. How do you stand up for your rights as a woman while safeguarding the stability of your daughter's family life? Will I just have to swallow all of this and whatever else he hasn't told me about from now until my DD has grown up? I also want another sibling for her but how do I now sleep with him without knowing if it's me or those girls he's thinking of?

what does a mother do??? I would love some advice or hear any of your experiences. I just can't wrap my head around it and don't know whom to turn to. Thank you x

But what do i do? I feel like it's cheating but I also feel like he will argue his way out of it. He always does with every disagreement we have.

Well I would end it based on this.

He can only argue his way out of it if a) you engage him in a conversation about it and b) accept what he says. Decide what you want your position to be and tell him. There's no point asking/talking to him about it.

Look at a benefits eligibility calculator, contact Women's Aid, apply for child maintenance. You do what every other woman does when the relationship breaks down.

Alternatively, you play the long game. Don't make yourself more vulnerable by having another child but stay. Stop having sex with him (do you really want to anymore?). Save money, find a new job, increase your earning power. Wait until your daughter starts school and child care is less of a financial burden. Then you leave.

Your only other solution is to turn a blind eye to it, accept it as part of your relationship, accept that it will end one day (because you won't put up with this forever and it would be a sad, lonely and wasted life if you did).

Personally I do find it strange that some women are happy for their partners to get their sexual satisfaction from other women by watching porn. And that's without going into the ethics of the porn industry. If my partner did that it would be the end.

Your partner is paying other women for sexual services on Only Fans. He has a real life relationship with another woman. He obviously has no respect for you.

Really OP your self esteem would improve vastly if you weren't in a relationship with some one who is cheating on you and making you doubt your self worth.

@GreyCarpet
has given you some good practical advice.

That’s so sad that you feel this way, and feel that you have to put up with somethings you’re very unhappy with, because of the situation.

I mean, watching porn and interacting with OF creators may be acceptable in some cases and in some relationships, but if it feels like cheating to you or you are unwilling to accept it then you either need to talk to your DP about this, or move on from the relationship. I personally don’t think I would be happy with a partner sending other girls money on OF while totally ignoring the needs of his real life gf at home! I don’t think you’re over-reacting.

It also speaks volumes that you’ve mentioned he will likely talk his way out of it if you bring up this issue. How do you come to an understanding if he won’t take you seriously or won’t be honest with you? How can YOU ever get what you want or need from a man who won’t listen to your concerns and won’t take them seriously.

When it comes to practical advice I am sure other posters have already, and will continue to, give you very useful info, but I will tell you that it absolutely is possible to get out of your unhappy situation, that you shouldn’t have to put up with the way things are right now, and that there is help and support out there for you if you reach out to the right people.
Remember, what you accept in your relationship is what your DD will see growing up and will learn is acceptable. You wouldn’t want her to settle for what you are considering settling for, would you?

Lots of luck and a big hug to you OP. You are stronger than you realise, you just have to dig deep to recognise you are absolutely worth fighting for!!!

If you're not happy with your relationship and haven't had sex for over two years, why do you want to bring another child into it?

He's been paying for porn for over a year and has disengaged from the relationship. I'm assuming that he doesn't pull his weight with your child or around the home.

You don't trust him and you're spying on him. What is there to salvage?

I also can't afford rent and nursery should our relationship break up over this.

Go to citizens advice.

You are entitled to Universal credit unless you're working too many hours. It would be worth reducing hours if that is the case.

You'd get;

UC rent part
UC Non rent part
UC Child part
85% of childcare fees paid up to a cap (a generous cap) if you get any UC
Rates/council tax discount
Child benefit if you are resident parent.
12% of his salary in child maintenance, unless he has child for 50% or more nights per year. Only overnights count. The 12% may be reduced by how many overnights he had them.
What you earn (up to the limit of reducing UC to no payment. It's on a scale).

You should be high on a social housing list as a single Mum of a young child.

If you continue having sex with him, get on reliable contraception.... You don't need set back with another pregnancy/child by him.

And sorry to be blunt but don't have kids with men you're not married to ...you're due nothing from him but a bit of child maintenance.
(Unless you have more assets than them that you don't want them to get at in a divorce, in which case don't get married).

For me it would be about respect and honesty. He hasn’t told you he likes to look at photos etc. Is it a modern day page 3. Depends what he is looking at. The not following each other on social media would ring an alarm bell for me. What doesn’t he want you to see? He sounds very secretive. I think honesty is important and I would be having a conversation about your gut feeling etc. The lack of sec in a relatively short relationship seems off to me. Time to communicate how you feel and if he isn’t hearing you, you need to consider what you want and need from a relationship. Because it sounds like you may be on different pages.

I would 100% leave over this. He's directing his sexual attention to other women, and spending money on them instead of say, taking you out for dinner. The sex is severely lacking. You can do so much better than this twerp.

From a purely financial/family money/priorities viewpoint, I would be beyond enraged that he was spending money on sexual images/videos of other women.

There are literally a billion free sexual images and videos of women online. Why the actual fuck does anyone need to spend money on them??

I'll tell you why .... Because it's an interactive, personal thing ..... And that's what makes it utterly unacceptable as well.

A. He's got a partner and a child, he's in a family, he's in a household; he shouldn't be spending money on sex work/other women. There's money out of your family's pocket.

B. Given the sheer volume and variety of images and videos he could see; it must be the interactive, personal nature of it that he likes. That's cheating in my book.

C. It's actually pathetic that he pays to interact with women. I'd find that a turn off.

Oh, and that is bullshit about why your social media accounts aren't connected in any way. I was dating someone who had FB. Then we broke up and I found out I was the OW. He was actually going to get married to her, and did, and yet she isn't a friend of his on FB. Then he deleted his FB. I'm convinced that he thought it was dangerous to be on SM, as his OW would be able to stalk him, see he was married and possibly even contact his wife. Nothing else makes sense!

Why is it a good idea to have a other child with him anyway?

Just so both your kids have the same father?
Is that all?

Because you don't have a sex life with him, he rejects intimacy with you, he interacts sexually with other women online and he spends household money doing it.
You want a decent relationship with a man who wants a sex life with you, and hopefully doesn't use (and spend money on) online sex workers.
Wouldn't you be better trying to meet someone else you're happy with and have a sibling in time? They'll be a half sibling but ..

He's no longer invested in the relationship with you, and I'd class OF as cheating, he's focusing all his sexual attraction on them and his money over you.
It's better to have one child and live without this man or forever put up with him.

I'd leave and I wouldn't get with another man for at least 5 years. It sounds like you need to focus on you for a bit!

Seriously! What do you see in him? He's wasting your time with you worrying and obsessing over what he's doing! Can't believe you are considering having another child with him, because that won't stop him if anything he will get worse.Please stop letting him use you as a doormat .

I think that this relationship is no relationship at all. If you hadn't had a string of terrible relationships you wouldn't be considering staying; you would be running far, far away. Your self esteem is compromised and this poor excuse for a partner, does nothing to support or build you up 😥

If I were you I would look into what's available to a single mum...benefits checkers, child care provision enabling you to work (a lots changed recently working you'll get at least 15 hrs) and housing costs etc. I would get my ducks in a row financially and leave. Play along for a while if you need to...but then go 👍 Then I would be single for a while and work on yourself 😊

Three awful men in a row is quite a hat-trick. I am in no way blaming you, but you are missing the signs, looking in the wrong places, dating the wrong men. Something is going wrong....and maybe a good friend can be honest with you? There just isn't that much bad luck; your setting your sights too low. Ditch this loser, be a great mum...show your girl that you should set your sights high and accept no less.

Good luck OP...You deserve better & you know it ❤️

First the practical bit...
Like many have said if you aren't ready to leave him at least do your homework.
Contact womens aid for advice, create an exit strategy. Open a savings account and start putting money away start dividing seperati g accounts etc. Get your living costs written down: rent, C tax , gutilities , insurances etc.
Then go onto entitled to and check out everything with just your income. Information is power. And during these uncertain times its important to feel empowered. Even if you dont use it.

Now the emotional, do you feel loved? Cherished? by this man. Does he make you feel happy and fullfilled? A child will never be happy with two unhappy, unfullfilled parents. Just take a minute and imagine it was your DD in this situation would you want her to stay there feeling unhappy and unloved? Or would you advise her to leave for her own sake? Your child is young, and separation at a younger age has less impact than it will the longer you wait.

I dont see this improving, from your description it sounds like he has emotionally and sexually separated from the relationship and is just there in name.

Babies don't fix relationships. The last thing you need right now is another child! Your relationship is far from stable, you're unhappy and have a man who doesn't want sex with you but is willing to pay other women on OnlyFans. Why you're even considering having another child with him, is beyond me?!!!!

Please don't have another child with him. This relationship is doomed - he is actively seeking the attention of other women and paying for it. He's not interested in having an intimate loving relationship with you. Don't stay and put up with his cheating, the effect on your self-worth and confidence will be catastrophic. Get some legal advice and start making plans. When the time is right and everything is organised, leave. You don't have to listen to his excuses and justifications, you just tell him you're done and go. Your DD will be better off with a happy confident mum than with a miserable, lonely one in a horrible relationship.

You’re worried about being a single mum to one yet you want two to actually double the potential shit show it could be? Good grief don’t do it. This man is a creep and doesn’t even like or fancy you. What on earth are you still doing there?

Of course it’s cheating. Listen to your gut, don’t second guess yourself on this, and don’t let him try to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one who’s wrong. Men always try to justify this kind of behaviour, yet if the shoe was on the other foot, they’d never accept it. It’s so hypocritical and selfish.

Fantastic post.

Leave him. Apply for what benefits you can. It will probably be hard at first but if you stay, you’re devaluing yourself. Be brave, refuse to listen to his nonsense, walk away.

Sex 6 times in 2.5 years is very little. That on its own would be an issue for me. But the fact he's depriving you of a sexual relationship, making you feel shit and then paying other women for sexual gratification really takes the piss. I don't think I could move past that.

As pp say, I would start by quietly getting some practical advice from citizens advice. See where you stand financially.

And if you feel able, talk to him. Ask him outright why he's neglecting intimacy with you in favour of women on the internet. I really don't see what possible explanation there can be for it to be honest.

Always ask yourself, if your daughter came to you with this problem when she is an adult, what would you advise here to do?

Your daughter will grow up watching your every move, if you let him treat you this way, she will think that this behaviour is normal and an acceptable way to be treated.

He is cheating on you and lying to you. Regardless of the fall out, you need to leave him.

I have a professional/normal day job but I have done some adult work including onlyfans as an additional income stream. Most men really don’t see it as cheating in my experience, I am not defending him, I am merely saying that to him, he probably isn’t doing anything wrong, whatever we think

Reread your post as though your DD has written it.

What would you tell her to do?

Would you tell her to stay for the sake of her daughter?

Come on.