Dear mums/advice-givers,
I don't know what to do and would love some advice from you all.
I have been in a relationship with my DP (not married, he hasn't asked) for 4 years and we have a 2-years-old DD. Since half-way through the pregnancy we haven't had sex more than 6 x total (6 times in approx. 2.5 years!!!). I have tried to discuss this with him many times because I definitely want to have more intimacy and sex but he seems not interested, which has been very sad. I have been feeling like a failure and unattractive to him. I also want another child and he says he does too. But always with a caveat (such as, we need a bigger house first etc.). We seem to be on different wavelengths quite a lot but never for long because we obviously have our DD's happiness to consider.
Over the last couple of months though, my senses - gut feeling, whatever you want to call it - have been sending warning signals. Bit of background - in my two previous long term relationships before this I was both times cheated on, over years! I always had a feeling something was up but was with some very talented liars who knew how to cover their tracks. I promised myself since then that I would listen more to my gut feeling.
Now my gut feeling told me for months "maybe something is up" so i started checking his phone - I know, I shouldn't but I've been so burned before. I've been spot checking on him and his ex-colleague who just seems to have a massive crush on him. They meet up for after-work drinks, so i can't gather too much what's going on but am not massively worried. But the feeling continued and the loneliness in bed too. So tonight I checked his phone again and found: he has been taking out subscriptions on various girls on Only Fans. And sending them money. Almost daily, for at least the last year. And on at least one occasion that i can see messaged one as well but i think he has deleted some messages. He seems to find some of these girls on Facebook and Instagram (we are NOT connected on either because he says he uses those only for very old friends to stay in touch, so him and I are not even linked in any way on social media, despite 4 years together).
I feel so hurt. He is looking at other women, and PAYING them. As with many people I wouldn't worry too much if it was 'just' porn but this is so much more personal. You are literally putting money in another woman's non-existing pockets.
But what do i do? I feel like it's cheating but I also feel like he will argue his way out of it. He always does with every disagreement we have.
I would love to walk out for a while to see how I feel about this but of course can't, because of our daughter. What do you do when you have a child to consider? I also can't afford rent and nursery should our relationship break up over this. It feels scarily existential to me. Hence, I've been awake all night and writing to you now. How do you stand up for your rights as a woman while safeguarding the stability of your daughter's family life? Will I just have to swallow all of this and whatever else he hasn't told me about from now until my DD has grown up? I also want another sibling for her but how do I now sleep with him without knowing if it's me or those girls he's thinking of?
what does a mother do??? I would love some advice or hear any of your experiences. I just can't wrap my head around it and don't know whom to turn to. Thank you x