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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner doesn't talk to me when he "can't be bothered with anything" g

28 replies

qisica · 21/08/2024 23:04

He takes random weird moods when he can't be bothered with "anything" and wants peace from me and the kids

So we will sit in different rooms which I don't mind and like. I enjoy my own tv show and time alone.

The problem is after that he will still be in a mood and if I try to talk to him, he acts like he didn't hear me or gives me one worded answers. So naturally I think I've done something wrong and just simply ask rather than wonder on it. And he gives me nothing then says it's me asking questions that's put him in that mood? Yet I didn't ask a question until it feels like he can't stand me? I ask things like have I upset you? Do you need time to yourself? What's wrong? Normal questions when someone is off with you.

He claims I just constantly ask questions. He made a comment about my weight (I was very underweight and now I'm a heathly weight) he made a comment about it so I questioned it saying aw have I gained too much now? And does it look bad now? And he then goes off saying all I do is question him

When comments are made or he takes moods I ask why? Or explain?

How do I get this to stop? It's like walking on egg shells and I have no idea what's wrong or what I did?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 21/08/2024 23:06

He's a fucking prick.
You're better off without him.
You won't be able to stop him because he does it on purpose, to make you walk on eggshells around him.
(Ask me how I know....,)

LessOfMe99 · 21/08/2024 23:10

You get it to stop by leaving him.

Original poster
qisica · 21/08/2024 23:13

@SeulementUneFois for what reason would he do this on purpose? The rest of the time he's lovely. It's very conflicting and strange

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 21/08/2024 23:15

He's very dominating OP, the whole family tip toe around his moods. Being in a mood also means he doesn't have to parent or pull his weight.

I would stop asking him what's wrong; he enjoys the power. Sulking and ignoring you is emotionally abusive.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 23:15

SeulementUneFois · 21/08/2024 23:06

He's a fucking prick.
You're better off without him.
You won't be able to stop him because he does it on purpose, to make you walk on eggshells around him.
(Ask me how I know....,)

THIS. 100%. Please don't waste yourself on moody men. They make life way more difficult than it needs to be/already is. No good can come of trying to understand him - just understand he's choosing to treat you like this and is not worth your time, effort or headspace.

DeliciousApples · 21/08/2024 23:17

Ignore him back.
He doesn't want to talk...so be it.
Don't make his sandwiches.
Don't do his washings.
Ignore.

When he pulls you up tell him that if he ignores you then you'll do the same back.

I'd honestly suggest you consider if he's worth holding onto....

Original poster
qisica · 21/08/2024 23:18

@Mmhmmn could it be I ask too many questions? He did say the other night when I was asking a lot about how he felt about the relationship / life I ask so many questions and it's like being quizzed
The other questions I ask come from his actions like a direct result of them

Someone else has made this comment about me I ask a lot of questions about things when I don't get it

OP posts:
AnyThoughtsWelcome · 21/08/2024 23:20

Yes ignore him. When he’s in a mood and ignoring you, you do the same. He doesn’t exist when he’s behaving like that. Detach entirely.

You won’t ever get an honest response and he’ll only ever DARVO you (so the situation becomes your fault). So feel absolutely free to walk around him as if he’s a big old nothing.

It could be that eventually you find yourself so free of caring you divorce him with complete ease.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 23:20

qisica · 21/08/2024 23:13

@SeulementUneFois for what reason would he do this on purpose? The rest of the time he's lovely. It's very conflicting and strange

Because he's a dick. That's all it's worth knowing about. There is no good reason to try to understand it. You just tell him to quit it or leave because it's unacceptable, and see if he chooses to improve, or end it now and regain your peace of mind. If he doesn't stop, you'll never regain your peace of mind - that he has broken.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 23:27

qisica · 21/08/2024 23:18

@Mmhmmn could it be I ask too many questions? He did say the other night when I was asking a lot about how he felt about the relationship / life I ask so many questions and it's like being quizzed
The other questions I ask come from his actions like a direct result of them

Someone else has made this comment about me I ask a lot of questions about things when I don't get it

But you're just being you and he could choose to love that about you, not make you miserable about your personality. Don't seek to change yourself for a moody man. It's his problem, not yours, and don't let him make you believe there are things wrong with your personality - the issue is his.

It doesn't even really matter what it is - men like that find any problems with anyone because they are the problem and can't communicate or regulate their mood so they take their feelings out on their nearest and dearest behind closed doors including by ignoring and cold shouldering.

It's fine to tell him it's not acceptable. Because it isn't.

Original poster
qisica · 21/08/2024 23:30

@Mmhmmn I'm the only girlfriend he's treated this way why is that?

I think he secretly hates me because his friend make the comment "she's too good for you" and a lot of people have made that comment

But why treat other girlfriends previously really well and me like this I don't understand it

OP posts:
outdamnedspots · 21/08/2024 23:35

He sounds horrendous. You deserve a lot better.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 23:37

How do you know that? Is that really likely? Even if that was true, which I doubt, it doesn't make it your issue. He's still choosing to be a dick to you. Giving him the best possible benefit of the doubt, it would still seem like you're mismatched if you like to question things and communicate, and he prefers not. Life with a brick wall .. not so appealing.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 23:41

I think he secretly hates me because his friend make the comment "she's too good for you" and a lot of people have made that comment

I think you are right and need to believe these people. Men who behave like that often hate everyone and everything though. Like I said, he is the one with the problem.

TonyeKnausgaard · 21/08/2024 23:43

qisica · 21/08/2024 23:30

@Mmhmmn I'm the only girlfriend he's treated this way why is that?

I think he secretly hates me because his friend make the comment "she's too good for you" and a lot of people have made that comment

But why treat other girlfriends previously really well and me like this I don't understand it

Did he tell you that or did you see that for yourself first hand? It sounds unlikely. How awfully convenient for him.

I doubt you ask too many questions. But let's say worst case scenario is that you do - should you really be dating someone who is impatient about questions? Wouldn't you rather date someone who is curious and inquisitive, like you? Someone who is nice to you?

It doesn't sound at all like you're the problem though. He enjoys the feeling of secret power over you and he's too selfish to care about anyone's feelings but his own. Analysis over.

Flourpowwer · 21/08/2024 23:47

qisica · 21/08/2024 23:04

He takes random weird moods when he can't be bothered with "anything" and wants peace from me and the kids

So we will sit in different rooms which I don't mind and like. I enjoy my own tv show and time alone.

The problem is after that he will still be in a mood and if I try to talk to him, he acts like he didn't hear me or gives me one worded answers. So naturally I think I've done something wrong and just simply ask rather than wonder on it. And he gives me nothing then says it's me asking questions that's put him in that mood? Yet I didn't ask a question until it feels like he can't stand me? I ask things like have I upset you? Do you need time to yourself? What's wrong? Normal questions when someone is off with you.

He claims I just constantly ask questions. He made a comment about my weight (I was very underweight and now I'm a heathly weight) he made a comment about it so I questioned it saying aw have I gained too much now? And does it look bad now? And he then goes off saying all I do is question him

When comments are made or he takes moods I ask why? Or explain?

How do I get this to stop? It's like walking on egg shells and I have no idea what's wrong or what I did?

My sisters husband behaves this way too. She has trained everyone to pussyfoot around his moods, herself, their children, anyone they come in contact with really. It is very difficult. I don’t envy you @qisica personally I would be out of there.

Original poster
qisica · 22/08/2024 12:23

@Flourpowwer I see it from her point her kids can't escape him it's maybe her best option

Even today he's being short and horrible to me because his leg is broken and he can't leave the house (somehow this is my fault) but his friends have spoken to him on the phone and he is lovely. Even after saying to me he doesn't want to talk to anyone

He was so nice the first few days of being in the house with his leg but now is just nasty.

He was so nice on the phone it's crazy. But with me I get one worded answers and just egg shells.

I can't understand the need to treat someone like this. It has to be narcissism

OP posts:
Original poster
qisica · 22/08/2024 12:27

@TonyeKnausgaard yeah it was him who told me he wasn't like this to other partners. But I do believe him the way he speaks to his friends about them. They were so nice etc I'm socially awkward etc.

His step dad hated me from the get go. I could see through how nasty his step dad was. He would belittle his wife (my partners mum) in front of us and I gave a look like what the fuck? That's horrible. He noticed straight away and worked on each family member to not like me. They are divorced now and everyone agreed with me he was a bully but gave me a good few horrible years.

So he has held this im the worst mind set for a while and other partners weren't because of his step dad's influence. He's apologised for that and cried saying he almost lost me because of his bullying step dad. Yet here we are again he's being just like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
qisica · 22/08/2024 12:30

@Mmhmmn I went to leave him before when he just got too much with these moods and the bullying and he stayed at his mums broke down crying said his mum and step dad had the same problems as us. His step dad was a bully and abused his mum and he feels like a piece of shit because he did that to me too. He apologised loads and said he just hated himself and was insecure in himself so took it out on me yet we're back here again.

He really seemed to understand his step dad was a horrible man and he copied him and changed and seemed sincere and felt so bad for treating me this way. His mum said to him don't almost lose her again you know how to treat her now and yet we're here again.

Not as bad but this isn't good. If a friend phones and you're lovely but to me you're short and rude how does that make any sense. Just copying his step dad again

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 22/08/2024 19:39

All made sense as soon as I saw

“ I could see through how nasty his step dad was.”

I don’t think people change. I also think you have to judge him on his actions, not his words. His actions are the same as when you intended to leave him before. They can be really good at guilting women into staying even though there’s no benefit to staying for you. (Been there).

Original poster
qisica · 22/08/2024 20:24

@Mmhmmn they all made me feel insane and like I was a terrible person seeing through his step dad. He called his wife really dumb or something like that in a way that wasn't joking the first time I ever met them and I can't hide my feelings through my face. It was nice to have the apology and my partner and his mum.

Is he just his step dad? I always thought it was learned behaviour and not who he is?

OP posts:
Original poster
qisica · 22/08/2024 20:26

@Mmhmmn I've watched my mum change. She was a horrible mum when I was a child and now she is kind. She hasn't shown any signs of being her old self

Do you think he won't change and that's just who he is?

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 22/08/2024 20:51

I don’t think he will change, it’s a form of control, real men don’t do this

rainbowsparkle28 · 22/08/2024 20:52

LessOfMe99 · 21/08/2024 23:10

You get it to stop by leaving him.

This ⬆️

Mmhmmn · 23/08/2024 01:11

Sorry to see that about your mum. I’m glad she’s kinder now. You probably have a higher tolerance for nearest and dearest being shitty to you because of that. (I don’t mean that as a good thing, it keeps you locked with people who don’t care about your feelings). Please don’t let this guy treat you like this, he deserves to be out on his ear.