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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

REGRET MOVING IN TOGETHER

32 replies

Waffle95 · 21/08/2024 11:32

Me and partner have been together 5 years
we have just recently moved in together
I have children so does he
this is a noticeably bigger house
everything was fine when we lived apart

But since we have moved in together
he complains about my cooking
cleaning
what I’m cooking
washing
washing up
I ask him to do anything it’s ok and it’s not done even just moving a wash basket of the table

he works all day I’m a stay at home mum
i literally do everything
he’s not put washing machine one once or washed up

he works from home and he sees everything I do all day but still finds something to complain about even though he never did when we lived apart ?

for example I cook dinner
he buys his kids takeaways because they don’t like it even though they havnt tried it

I ask for washing to be taken upstairs
because I’m disabled
hes left it on table for 4 days
I cook dinner he finishes work at 5.30
instead of putting dishes in dishwasher
complains about dinner and leaves the plates on the side

he’s never done this in his life
he always washed up at my old home
if I cooked always said my food was amazing
always helped with the kids

im now miles away from my family
no friends and feel like I’m being used to babysit and clean while he works

havnt been passionate for a while
because I’m asleep or knocked up on pain killers to help with the pain because my disability

he reply’s to his ex wife
he reply’s to his son
he would sooner meet up with his ex wife and chat to her at his sons football
which by the way I’m never invited too to watch

then listen to me if I ask for one simple thing to be done

I’m fed up
I feel lonely
I want to go back to my home town
I feel trapped and not appreciated

OP posts:
whyNotaNice · 21/08/2024 11:34

Comeback to your old life

Scarletrogue · 21/08/2024 11:36

Do you need to ask what you should do ?
who cleaned the house when he was on his own - a magic pixie?

MapleTreeValley · 21/08/2024 11:38

The fact that he used to do these things is the worst part. So it's deliberate behaviour rather than lower standards or incompetence Angry

kiwiane · 21/08/2024 11:46

He’s really awful and won’t improve - do whatever you can to get yourself back to your home town. Tell everyone you know and see if they can help you to organise the move. It goes without saying that you need to split up with him - call Womens Aid or Gingerbread for advice.
It is possible to begin to separate whilst living together; get your own bank account etc.

Waffle95 · 21/08/2024 11:48

He used to do everything himself
now does nothing
we have a child together our youngest
even his parents have been moaning at me to get a job
but also want me to clean
and look after the kids because he’s a top earner of the house
he goes to football every Saturday
leaves me on my own
doesn’t get in bed until 11 because he’s playing with his eldest but then once in bed expects something out of me
he then treats me like a pet
going oh well done for cleaning as a treat would you like to go to b&m to of course spend what money I do have
on more cleaning stuff for the house and what benefits me
and thinks I find that a fun reward

OP posts:
raspberryberet7 · 21/08/2024 11:51

whyNotaNice · 21/08/2024 11:34

Comeback to your old life

This

whyNotaNice · 21/08/2024 11:51

You are being honestly, abused

GogAndMagog · 21/08/2024 11:52

Did you buy the house or rent?

What have you said to him so far? What was his reaction?

Waffle95 · 21/08/2024 11:56

He’s bought it
I’ve given up my council home to move 60 miles away
I don’t drive
there’s no public transport
I couldn’t even get to a doctors without his help
but he’s gone from doing everything in 5 years to stopping all of a sudden

I’m worried about leaving
my last ex was abusive
he’s taken me to court multiple times
I had to get a court order to even move
here
I’m worried if I go and ex takes me to court again that he will use me messing the kid school and home around and they will get put with him

OP posts:
Scarletrogue · 21/08/2024 12:27

Contact women’s aid the charity so you have some support and a listening ear

BodenCardiganNot · 21/08/2024 12:31

He has you well and truly trapped. Right down to having a child with him.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 21/08/2024 12:35

Contact Women's Aid, this is abuse.

ActualChips · 21/08/2024 12:39

I’ve given up my council home

Oh god, this is an utter disaster. Is there any way you can get it back? Never, ever ever give up secure housing for a boyfriend. He's abusing you and you have no security or legal protections. Get in touch with the council you chose to leave, Shelter, Womens Aid.

Fraaahnces · 21/08/2024 12:48

This current one is abusive. You just don’t want to see it.

etalocohCtoH · 21/08/2024 12:49

Waffle95 · 21/08/2024 11:56

He’s bought it
I’ve given up my council home to move 60 miles away
I don’t drive
there’s no public transport
I couldn’t even get to a doctors without his help
but he’s gone from doing everything in 5 years to stopping all of a sudden

I’m worried about leaving
my last ex was abusive
he’s taken me to court multiple times
I had to get a court order to even move
here
I’m worried if I go and ex takes me to court again that he will use me messing the kid school and home around and they will get put with him

I read this and first thing out of my mouth was “shit!”. You gave up your council home? How difficult is it to get another? You need to leave him but maybe have a conversation with him about all this. His response is what you need to make a final decision. So sorry OP.

countrysidelife2024 · 21/08/2024 12:56

he's using you as a free/cheap slave.

Leave

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 13:14

The key is this:

"But since we have moved in together"

He thinks he's got you now so he's showing his real self. He thinks he's trapped you and you have to do everything he wants, how he wants it. It will only get worse. You can either sit himm down and make it clear you'll be gone if he doesn't change his behaviour and see if he does. Or you can just decide to cut it short now if he's just too awful (some pretty major red flags there) and get ready to give notice on the rental.. is it 1 month notice?

Rory17384949 · 21/08/2024 13:37

He wanted you to move in and be his skivvy.

Move right back out again!

Changingplace · 21/08/2024 13:42

I’m so sorry OP, he’s showing his true colours now isn’t he :(

Can you speak to someone at the council where you used to live and see if there is any chance of getting your house back? I don’t know how likely it is that might be possible?

You’re right to recognise this is wrong :(

BodenCardiganNot · 21/08/2024 13:45

Move right back out again!
To where? She gave up her council house, is disabled and has children.

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/08/2024 13:50

Shit.

You've been sold a total kipper and now you're effectively trapped, he is calling all the shots.

You need to undo this situation as quickly as possible. Contact Women's Aid and get in touch with your previous Council to see what can be done.

Your situation is only going to get worse and this is typical of how controlling men behave in order to manoeuvre a woman into a vulnerable, submissive situation.

Good luck.

BlackShuck3 · 21/08/2024 13:53

When you lived separately he kept you sweet in the hopes that he could trick you into moving in with him. Now that he has total power he's showing his true colors.
As said, you have been stitched up you, need a good plan.

newyearsresolurion · 21/08/2024 14:11

Never ever give up your house for a 'new man '. Contact your council for shelter

ActualChips · 21/08/2024 14:13

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 13:14

The key is this:

"But since we have moved in together"

He thinks he's got you now so he's showing his real self. He thinks he's trapped you and you have to do everything he wants, how he wants it. It will only get worse. You can either sit himm down and make it clear you'll be gone if he doesn't change his behaviour and see if he does. Or you can just decide to cut it short now if he's just too awful (some pretty major red flags there) and get ready to give notice on the rental.. is it 1 month notice?

OP wrote the abusive boyfriend bought his house and she gave up her council house.

Waffle95 · 21/08/2024 14:23

I’m not on the deeds for this house at all
I’ve lost all my uc because he earns too much
I have no money and nowhere to go if I leave
I’d have to try get uc back which takes weeks
will probably have to inform him I’ve applied for it or want proof I’m leaving
I just feel really stuck right now

OP posts:
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