REGRET MOVING IN TOGETHER

[Waffle95]

Me and partner have been together 5 years
we have just recently moved in together
I have children so does he
this is a noticeably bigger house
everything was fine when we lived apart

But since we have moved in together
he complains about my cooking
cleaning
what I’m cooking
washing
washing up
I ask him to do anything it’s ok and it’s not done even just moving a wash basket of the table

he works all day I’m a stay at home mum
i literally do everything
he’s not put washing machine one once or washed up

he works from home and he sees everything I do all day but still finds something to complain about even though he never did when we lived apart ?

for example I cook dinner
he buys his kids takeaways because they don’t like it even though they havnt tried it

I ask for washing to be taken upstairs
because I’m disabled
hes left it on table for 4 days
I cook dinner he finishes work at 5.30
instead of putting dishes in dishwasher
complains about dinner and leaves the plates on the side

he’s never done this in his life
he always washed up at my old home
if I cooked always said my food was amazing
always helped with the kids

im now miles away from my family
no friends and feel like I’m being used to babysit and clean while he works

havnt been passionate for a while
because I’m asleep or knocked up on pain killers to help with the pain because my disability

he reply’s to his ex wife
he reply’s to his son
he would sooner meet up with his ex wife and chat to her at his sons football
which by the way I’m never invited too to watch

then listen to me if I ask for one simple thing to be done

I’m fed up
I feel lonely
I want to go back to my home town
I feel trapped and not appreciated

My heart also sank about giving up the council house, but don't be overwhelmed into staying in this untenable situation. He's tried to trap you but don't be trapped. One thing at a time. Call WA as others are saying, and then the council - make them aware you've left a council house and are now in an abusive home so need to go back to social housing and find out what options you have there. Shelter may also have good advice. Try not to worry about the ex side of things for now. It will just paralyse you into staying instead of sorting this out, which is clearly what is needed for you and your DC. You are still the mother and have their best interests at heart, and right now that means owning this as a mistake and moving back to your old area where you will have support. Right now you are isolated, worn down and scared, but if you sort the move back, you will start to feel stronger and freer and more able to deal with any subsequent challenges.

@Waffle95 do his parents also live in the house with you??

Oh my goodness, this is an utter disaster. I can't understand why you've put yourself in this position. Why would you give up your council house???

But what's done is done.

Have you spoken to him properly, told him you're not happy and if things don't change you will have to move out?

I would start making plans to leave anyway, whatever he says to the above. Contact women's aid, contact the council, start looking for rentals back in your old area. You've made a mistake but your children won't be taken off you for this so don't worry about that.

It's time to get proactive OP and get you and your children out of there

How old are the children? Could you first of all try to see if there are places at their old schools?

I imagine the council house has been reallocated now & you might struggle to get that back.

How come you have been living separately despite having a child together? Was he coming to visit at weekends?

He sounds like he's s nightmare. But maybe if he's busy working he just assumed you would take on running the house. It might be worth trying to speak to him about that first.

Would you be better off working & getting out the house? I wouldn't find it much fun being in the house all day with someone else working there from home. Then maybe pay for a cleaner?

He's being a twat about the food - but are the children fussy? Mine are a nightmare & wouldn't necessarily eat something you had made. Could you just leave him to sort their food out & you concentrate on feeding your own DC. I presume they aren't with you full time.

How many DC are there?

I always like to give people the benefit of doubt, I know alot of people on MN don’t.

Sit him down and set some very clear boundaries, you are expecting him to do x,y around the house without you asking. You are expecting everyone eats or tries the meals you cook, when he buys a takeaway it’s disrespecting you etc. Make sure you stay calm and rely your feelings.

Make it super clear if these things aren’t met you will be putting in a request for financial support etc.

If he tries to change great but make sure it lasts, stay firm on your boundaries. If he doesn’t agree then that’s all you needed as the final push to leave.

Stop doing everything.

You know what you should do, the question is why aren’t you doing it?