Obsessed with overthinking my relationship

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 11:27

do you work? socialise? children? exercise?

this indicates to me someone very unfulfilled and bored generally with their life

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:29

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 11:27

do you work? socialise? children? exercise?

this indicates to me someone very unfulfilled and bored generally with their life

I work full time and doing well in my career, exercise daily sometimes twice. Always out with friends and family and travelling so I don't know why I'm feeling this way

OP posts:

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 11:32

how are yin managing to work full time if this is preoccupying you as you detail in the op?

i have just had a look at your other threads about him

you’re not going to leave him despite being told time and time again this is rotten to the core

so i will leave you to continue to think about it and start more threads

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:35

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 11:32

how are yin managing to work full time if this is preoccupying you as you detail in the op?

i have just had a look at your other threads about him

you’re not going to leave him despite being told time and time again this is rotten to the core

so i will leave you to continue to think about it and start more threads

Ok thanks helpful

OP posts:

Staunchlystarling · 21/08/2024 11:39

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:35

Ok thanks helpful

Show quote history

Aren’t they right though, this thread is just more to feed your obsession?

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 11:40

I haven't read your other threads but just from what you've said on here, it doesn't sound like a good relationship. I can't even understand why you're agonising. Does he make you feel guilty for feeling you don't want to be with someone who is rude, checked out, abusive, financially shit?

Bananalanacake · 21/08/2024 11:42

I would dump someone for weed smoking alone, I refuse to waste time with a druggie.

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:42

Staunchlystarling · 21/08/2024 11:39

Aren’t they right though, this thread is just more to feed your obsession?

Show quote history

Yes probably just don't know how to stop feeling this way but probably not helping to talk or post about it again.

OP posts:

Tel12 · 21/08/2024 11:46

If you've been going to counselling for 18 months are are still talking about him, it would seem that it's time to change your counsellor. It's how you feel about your relationship that's the issue. I think that the key question to ask yourself is whether you would be happier with or without him?

MorningHood · 21/08/2024 11:46

What are you afraid of?

MeganM3 · 21/08/2024 11:50

You will feel better and like a weight has been lifted once you commit to the decision to leave him and find peace.

You shouldn't be having an internal battle with yourself about a relationship. You will end it with him at some point, when you're strong enough, and realise it isn't right. In the meantime you're making yourself ill and wasting your own time.

DaisyChain505 · 21/08/2024 11:52

Looking back at your previous posts you’ve complained about your partner being lazy, drinking too much and having bad hygiene.

if you’re constantly thinking about if you actually want to be with him then the answer is probably that you don’t want to.

I can’t say I ever question if I actually want to be with my partner because I’m happy and content in my relationship.

life’s too short to settle, be unhappy or in a mediocre relationship.

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:54

It really is pathetic how much I am obsessing and making myself ill and I just can't seem to stop it. I do have a bit of an obsessive personality anyway and keep thinking maybe it's cause of that but I know it wouldn't be happening if it wasn't because I was so unhappy. Sorry I feel embarrassed and stupid for posting about him again as everyone's already told me to leave him so what else do I want

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 21/08/2024 11:56

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:54

It really is pathetic how much I am obsessing and making myself ill and I just can't seem to stop it. I do have a bit of an obsessive personality anyway and keep thinking maybe it's cause of that but I know it wouldn't be happening if it wasn't because I was so unhappy. Sorry I feel embarrassed and stupid for posting about him again as everyone's already told me to leave him so what else do I want

Sometimes we can know what we need to do but taking the first step is scary.

instead of obsessing over him and this unhealthy relationship start obsessing over yourself and how can you can create the best life possible for yourself.

make yourself your number one priority.

MeganM3 · 21/08/2024 12:09

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 11:54

It really is pathetic how much I am obsessing and making myself ill and I just can't seem to stop it. I do have a bit of an obsessive personality anyway and keep thinking maybe it's cause of that but I know it wouldn't be happening if it wasn't because I was so unhappy. Sorry I feel embarrassed and stupid for posting about him again as everyone's already told me to leave him so what else do I want

...but you can stop it.
You need to decide to stop it. You need to switch your obsession from being confused / over thinking him, to something else like Breaking up and finding a more suitable focus.
You are entirely capable of stopping it. And moving on with your life.

Madickenxx · 21/08/2024 12:13

I've not read your previous posts or all the replies to this one but to me it's simple. Your relationship is not aligned with your needs / values / expectations of a relationship and that's why you are "overthinking". I wouldn't even call it overthinking - you are in conflict with yourself and it's occupying your mind and rightly so. It's a bit like being in a job that you don't like. Of course, it's going to play on your mind and you will think about it a lot. It's a big part of your life.

I used to label myself an overthinker and stayed in a bad relationship for over 20 years. I felt helpless in making the decision to leave as one of my core values is commitment and so I felt conflicted. When I finally took the step to leave I was amazed, not only at how easy it was, but also how clear my mind became. The "overthinking" was simply my brain trying to make sense of something that wasn't right.

I have since remarried and don't spend a second overthinking the relationship. I mostly feel grateful / content with the odd sprinkle of irritation but I'm menopausal so most humans will irritate me at times!

Don't waste good years of your life with someone who doesn't make you happy and whose presence doesn't improve your life and make it easier. Take it from someone who did, it's not worth it.

As for the difficulty leaving - I get it. I wanted to leave after the first year and stayed for well over 20 so I don't judge. What I can say is that, when I took the step to leave, I broke it down to small chunks and it was so much easier than I thought it would be. Once I was in my own little rental, I couldn't believe I hadn't done it sooner but I built it up to be this almost impossible task and kept putting it off.

I hope you get the strength to leave as you can spend years going to counselling but you alone cannot fix your relationship problems / different values / differing lifestyles. There is a brighter future around the corner if you just take the leap towards it.

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 12:16

Madickenxx · 21/08/2024 12:13

I've not read your previous posts or all the replies to this one but to me it's simple. Your relationship is not aligned with your needs / values / expectations of a relationship and that's why you are "overthinking". I wouldn't even call it overthinking - you are in conflict with yourself and it's occupying your mind and rightly so. It's a bit like being in a job that you don't like. Of course, it's going to play on your mind and you will think about it a lot. It's a big part of your life.

I used to label myself an overthinker and stayed in a bad relationship for over 20 years. I felt helpless in making the decision to leave as one of my core values is commitment and so I felt conflicted. When I finally took the step to leave I was amazed, not only at how easy it was, but also how clear my mind became. The "overthinking" was simply my brain trying to make sense of something that wasn't right.

I have since remarried and don't spend a second overthinking the relationship. I mostly feel grateful / content with the odd sprinkle of irritation but I'm menopausal so most humans will irritate me at times!

Don't waste good years of your life with someone who doesn't make you happy and whose presence doesn't improve your life and make it easier. Take it from someone who did, it's not worth it.

As for the difficulty leaving - I get it. I wanted to leave after the first year and stayed for well over 20 so I don't judge. What I can say is that, when I took the step to leave, I broke it down to small chunks and it was so much easier than I thought it would be. Once I was in my own little rental, I couldn't believe I hadn't done it sooner but I built it up to be this almost impossible task and kept putting it off.

I hope you get the strength to leave as you can spend years going to counselling but you alone cannot fix your relationship problems / different values / differing lifestyles. There is a brighter future around the corner if you just take the leap towards it.

Thank you so much for understanding I think you have summed it up that I am in conflict with myself. I feel like I am butting my head against a wall in counselling and it is because I just have to leave as my needs aren't being met. I'm just scared but I am really making myself ill and almost ruining my life/happiness because of it. Just struggling a lot.

OP posts:

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 12:53

Why is it that you think you SHOULD stay? Becuase you've clearly explained why you think you should leave, so what's keeping you?

Also, if you think you need to leave him but can't, you need to discuss that with your therapist to help you figure out the tools to leave. if your therapist can't help with that, get a new therapist.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 13:00

I am constantly wondering if he is the right person for me and panicking that I am making a mistake by not leaving him or making a mistake if I do.
I have posted about him over the years far too many times to count about all the reasons I have doubts about him (doesn't pull his weight, tight with money, controlling, anger issues, smokes weed)

You know 100% he is not the right person for you. Give yourself more credit. Who would know better than you? How could such an arsehole possibly be the right person for anyone?

and I don't even know if they are true reflections of him or I am just building things up to be worse than they are.
No - you know exactly how things really are. Good partners and relationships don't leave you feeling uncertain.

I have told all my friends and family - Good!
so I feel I have to leave as they all know how I feel. This WILL help you end your relationship. They know what he's like. Can you ask them for moral or practical support with leaving?
^^
I am constantly waiting for him to do something wrong again to have that concrete I must leave moment but it doesn't come. You don't need to wait for more evidence that he is making you unhappy. Which is the only reason you need. You need no other "reason" than this. He chooses to behave the way he does. You'll never know when or where it's coming from but it will happen again and again, him treating you like shit - it's no way to live.

I've been going to counselling for 18 months and most of its been focussed on him/ past abuse as a teenager.
Your counselling should probably now focus on you NOW and how to build your self-esteem and planning to make a new life without him. He's had too many years of your life already, way too many second chances and has wasted it.

I keep giving myself dates to leave and can never go through with it. I feel stuck in a constant anxious fight or flight state and trying to get out of it but nothing helps at all. This is a bit of a ramble but I don't know what to do. I need to calm my brain to make any sort of decision but I don't know how?
I know how difficult this is. How do you imagine/dream of ending the relationship - what does it look like? Can you discuss with your counsellor the difficulty of doing this bit? I suspect you're too kind and empathic to others (him) and not enough to yourself. You need to turn that around so that you choose to be kinder to yourself than to him. Then you can attain the relief and peace of mind that will come from getting rid.

Have you taken any practical steps yet to get ready for shedding him? financial/living arrangements etc? * *

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 13:59

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 12:53

Why is it that you think you SHOULD stay? Becuase you've clearly explained why you think you should leave, so what's keeping you?

Also, if you think you need to leave him but can't, you need to discuss that with your therapist to help you figure out the tools to leave. if your therapist can't help with that, get a new therapist.

I'm not sure, I feel a bit worried for him I think, not sure where he would afford to live if I leave, wondering if he's depressed and me leaving would make things even worse. But I'm not staying for the right reasons of actually wanting to be with him, I'm just scared to go and don't want to intentionally hurt him. Yes we have been discussing that and she is mainly focusing on my support network and leaning on them but perhaps you are right as it hasn't really helped me get closer to going.

OP posts:

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 21/08/2024 14:06

So he's most likely a covert narcissist which means he puts himself in the position of "victim" even when he is the one behaving badly. They are extraordinarily difficult to extricate yourself from if you've been caught in the first place. But you do need to see his behaviour for what it is - abusive and manipulative. the sooner you can do that, the sooner you wil, be happy.

Interesting test - if you think in advance about something that is ENTIRELY reasonable for you to ask/do. Know in your heart it's reasonable. Then tell him this is what you need/will be doing. Do not get drawn on his objectives or influenced by his behaviour. What happens? my guess is he goes into total meltdown. But, if you've thought in advance and are confident you are not being unreasonable, then perhaps you can see how batshit it is that you feel this way when he kicks off.

Original poster

podcastobsessed · 21/08/2024 14:06

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 13:00

I am constantly wondering if he is the right person for me and panicking that I am making a mistake by not leaving him or making a mistake if I do.
I have posted about him over the years far too many times to count about all the reasons I have doubts about him (doesn't pull his weight, tight with money, controlling, anger issues, smokes weed)

You know 100% he is not the right person for you. Give yourself more credit. Who would know better than you? How could such an arsehole possibly be the right person for anyone?

and I don't even know if they are true reflections of him or I am just building things up to be worse than they are.
No - you know exactly how things really are. Good partners and relationships don't leave you feeling uncertain.

I have told all my friends and family - Good!
so I feel I have to leave as they all know how I feel. This WILL help you end your relationship. They know what he's like. Can you ask them for moral or practical support with leaving?
^^
I am constantly waiting for him to do something wrong again to have that concrete I must leave moment but it doesn't come. You don't need to wait for more evidence that he is making you unhappy. Which is the only reason you need. You need no other "reason" than this. He chooses to behave the way he does. You'll never know when or where it's coming from but it will happen again and again, him treating you like shit - it's no way to live.

I've been going to counselling for 18 months and most of its been focussed on him/ past abuse as a teenager.
Your counselling should probably now focus on you NOW and how to build your self-esteem and planning to make a new life without him. He's had too many years of your life already, way too many second chances and has wasted it.

I keep giving myself dates to leave and can never go through with it. I feel stuck in a constant anxious fight or flight state and trying to get out of it but nothing helps at all. This is a bit of a ramble but I don't know what to do. I need to calm my brain to make any sort of decision but I don't know how?
I know how difficult this is. How do you imagine/dream of ending the relationship - what does it look like? Can you discuss with your counsellor the difficulty of doing this bit? I suspect you're too kind and empathic to others (him) and not enough to yourself. You need to turn that around so that you choose to be kinder to yourself than to him. Then you can attain the relief and peace of mind that will come from getting rid.

Have you taken any practical steps yet to get ready for shedding him? financial/living arrangements etc? * *

You are right that I do know he is not the right person for me I just find it hard to accept that he isn't the person I thought. I have lots of support yes and family who've said they would put me up if needed etc. True being unhappy is enough and I am so clearly not happy spending my life obsessing about him and moaning about him on anonymous forums! Thanks you are right I need to start thinking about myself and my future. I do fantasise a lot about having my own house without any stress etc. Theres not really anything stopping me apart from myself

OP posts:

coffeenootropics · 21/08/2024 15:42

Staunchlystarling · 21/08/2024 11:39

Aren’t they right though, this thread is just more to feed your obsession?

Show quote history

exactly

Over years the Op has been given the same advice. over and over again.

and it is the same pattern. The thread dries up. pause. a new thread.

I read the one about his personal hygiene and honestly…. it is so clear this is utterly dead in the water

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2024 16:04

Keep thinking about that - you suiting yourself, living on your terms in peace and that anxiety subsiding. That's great that you have offers of practical help and people to go to.

I'm so sick of angry little men latching on to great women and crushing their spirits. Your life can be better again without the emotional parasite but just as only you can get yourself into a relationship, only you can finish it when it's not working for you any more. Nobody else can say what's on the tip of your tongue. Only you can do that, and once you've done that, brighter, less anxious days, and peace of mind awaits.

Is fear of his reaction the main thing that's stopping you? It doesn't need to be adversarial if you use "I" statements like I am unhappy / I'm leaving / I want to live on my own.
Always remember everyone is responsible for their own feelings - that's why you owe it to yourself to do the deed you've been wanting to do. You can do it.

verifyinhuman · 24/08/2024 09:46

I am so clearly not happy spending my life obsessing about him and moaning about him on anonymous forums! Thanks you are right I need to start thinking about myself and my future.

OP you have had said pretty much the same on your other threads over the years

This time… try to translate words on mumsnet in to reality