Obsessed with overthinking my relationship

[podcastobsessed]

Not sure if this should be in mental health or relationships to be honest. I feel literally obsessed with worrying about my relationship and future and would say it is taking over my life. It's all I think about. I am constantly wondering if he is the right person for me and panicking that I am making a mistake by not leaving him or making a mistake if I do. I have posted about him over the years far too many times to count about all the reasons I have doubts about him (doesn't pull his weight, tight with money, controlling, anger issues, smokes weed) and I don't even know if they are true reflections of him or I am just building things up to be worse than they are.

I have told all my friends and family so I feel I have to leave as they all know how I feel. I am constantly waiting for him to do something wrong again to have that concrete I must leave moment but it doesn't come. I've been going to counselling for 18 months and most of its been focussed on him/ past abuse as a teenager. I keep giving myself dates to leave and can never go through with it. I feel stuck in a constant anxious fight or flight state and trying to get out of it but nothing helps at all. This is a bit of a ramble but I don't know what to do. I need to calm my brain to make any sort of decision but I don't know how?

At this point it's you making yourself unhappy by staying with this tosser.

So what if he struggles alone? He wouldn't be alone if he made better choices. He has no incentive to change because you accept his behaviour. That's his fault not yours.

If you were with the right person you wouldn't spend all this time thinking about all this.

Your obsessing is a distraction from taking action. You've heard of analysis paralysis? You're going round in circles to avoid making a decision... maybe you're afraid to be on your own, maybe you're afraid of what's on the otherside. Maybe you have an unhealthy attachment with this guy psychologically. All of these fears/thought are valid but none are worse than staying.

I can empathise, I took years to make the decision to leave. It really is better on the other side though.

You know you want to leave, make the decision, then plan the steps to make it happen. Also, start talking about yourself in therapy, focus on you.

Surely, the way to stop feeling like this is to end a relationship you're not happy in with a man most women would reject.

@podcastobsessed you're feeling the way you do because your relationship is dead in the water. You have the choice, you have agency around this, you sound like an intelligent person, but you are wasting your emotional energy on someone who sounds like an utter loser.

I'm so sick of angry little men latching on to great women and crushing their spirits.

@Mmhmmn may I challenging this statement. You are giving men all the decision-making power if you believe they are doing the "latching on". No, women need to own their life choices which includes the life partner they decide to be with, and not blame the bad outcome on a deadbeat loser.

the OP is wasting her time and energy, I don't think the man is holding a gun to her head, making her stay, she is allowing herself to get sucked into the vortex, despite person-hours of posters' time giving sage advice, support, real life experiences etc. it gets to the stage where it's "OK have it your way!" when all reasoned advice is just ignored and yet another thread is started because the previous one doesn't give the unicorn dust and magic wand the OP is hoping for.

I do appreciate I've wasted people's time giving advice, not doing anything about it and then posting about him again and I am very sorry for that. I have been reading over my other posts and all the answers are there so it's more me feeling paralysed and trying to getting over that to take action. There's no question that I have to leave him I just seem to be struggling to make the leap and in turn causing myself all of this mental stress.

I have been reading over my other posts and all the answers are there so it's more me feeling paralysed and trying to getting over that to take action.

so if posting again and again causes the paralysis, then all the more reason not to keep posting as it's reinforcing the negative response.

what would be great is for you to leave him and come back on here to tell us he's out of your life and ask us to support you with keeping it that way. Eg change the locks, block him complete on everything so no back doors to allow him to slink back in etc. you're more likely to get support and respect that way!

Hi, I totally understand the overthinking and obsession with the relationship, and thinking whether you should stay or go.

I was with my exDH for 21 years, and for the last few years of our marriage, it was all I could think about. I got books about how to decide whether to stay or leave, had counselling, spoke to friends, posted online. I was so stressed and unhappy, but also felt paralysed.

I finally told him that we needed to separate and he moved out 6 months ago. I have been going through a lot of pain and grief, and I think this is what was probably stopping me from breaking up with him (I didn't want to face those feelings). Lots of stuff coming up about feeling abandoned and alone. My dad moved out of the family home when I was a teen and didn't stay in contact, so I think that affected me hugely and was partly why I wanted the relationship with my ex to work at all costs. Grieving the loss of the family unit - we have 2 dc. And really missing having a man in my life who loves me - ironically I didn't have that even when my ex was here, but it's almost like I couldn't feel the feelings until I was apart from him.

But on a positive note, I am also feeling a lot less stressed, I really enjoy having my own space and autonomy - it's lovely! The house is so much more peaceful and relaxed without him here. So although it has been so hard at times, I think it is simply a process of grieving, and if you had any childhood trauma re a father figure or relationships, the break up, and decision to break up may be harder.

Re how you will finally decide whether or not to leave - I think when or if it's the right time, it will just happen. I got to the point when I was in such mental, emotional and physical pain from him being in the house that I couldn't carry on like that any more. But it took a long time to get there, and I really get it can be a drawn out process.

Thanks,I appreciate as my dad's been absent since I was 2 years old and I never really thought I had any issues remaining from that . Really appreciate this. I do spend eveytwerkemd trying to leave and finding that courage and hopefully I will be there soon.