Please tell me to leave (tw re suicide)

[ShesKerosene]

I feel so weak.

I'm having a really bad day today. And actually the last few months (or years). My friend since I was in primary school very recently died by suicide and their funeral is coming up, one of several friends who have over the years. I didn't get a job I wanted (no criticism from them, I was second choice but the first choice just had a bit more relevant experience). The job market is rubbish in my sector right now - it always is in the holidays. The reason I left my last job was a massive mental breakdown, not helped by husband's attitude towards me.

I told my H that I was really sad and why. His answer was maybe if I stopped drinking I'd be happier (I'm sure I would but he's sat there with one of the 8 cans he just bought in his hand giving me this 'advice'). And that he barely registers when his friends die now as there have been so many. Then to criticise me repeatedly for not having a job. He has been financially supported by me for the entire relationship, never worked full time.

I've been offered a place in a women's refuge due to his abuse (it's not just emotional but I don't want to get into details). Also several friends have offered rooms. Nobody likes him or thinks he's good enough for me.

Why do I struggle with leaving?? Wtf is wrong with me. I'm diagnosed with BPD which comes with dependency issues in relationships but FFS I'm an adult professional woman and should be able to extricate myself from this.

If you've already read my situation previously under another username please don't bring that up or have a go at me. I'm so upset today and have a huge bruise across my face and elsewhere so I could really do with just some support.

Gather some things and walk out the door. You can do it. You really can. You won't be able to change anything until you leave.

Have you thought about doing a freedom program? They help you recognise when a relationship is shit and builds up your self worth so you can leave and in future you don’t fall into the same traps as before.

Please go. Let this be the bottom and start to move upwards. It will get better if you go. It will get worse if you stay.

Your whole psyche is messed up when you're in abusive relationships. I grew up in a messed up narcissist family dynamic. Yet I still yearn for the warm and fluffy love. It ain't coming! Eventually you do see that. But you need normal supportive people around you who aren't abusive or drinkers.
You'll get nowhere staying in this.

She's in the trap right now, and she knows full well that her relationship is shit. The only way she will be able to stop this hamster wheel of misery is to get off it and leave. She has to put distance between herself and her abuser.

Please leave him. Take up the place offered by the women's refuge where you will get some support and some breathing space. Then you can decide where you want to be and how to move forward. Take the first step and leave.

Thank you everyone. I know logically I need to leave. My last relationship was severely physically abusive and it took me 9 years to leave but I was in my 20s. I should be old enough to know better.

I'm also worried about my pets as he's threatened to abandon them if I leave. I can't bring them to the refuge or my friends' places as their run is too big.

I’m sorry about your friend, that’s really sad. Did you know they were suicidal? Do I understand it to be the case that you’ve lost several friends to suicide? That is unusual and unfortunate @ShesKerosene.

It’s also a shame about the job. Do you think, though, that you are now in the right place to be able to cope with it? I mean have you got over the issues that caused the breakdown when you were in your last job?

It looks, from the outside, as if you are not in the right place to work at an optimal level.
I think you know that you will only be able to fully embrace life once you’ve detached yourself from this‘relationship’.
Are you alcohol dependent?

I would start planning to re-home those pets OP. I know it's heartbreaking but it's potential a life and death situation isn't it. The pets cannot come before your well being. Can you leave them at a shelter?
I'm an animal lover. I'm not being cruel but you must come first now

Op, find a rescue or a foster for your pets. You have got to make yourself the priority here.

Speak to whoever you are dealing with about pets being rescued.They have this all the time.Don’t leave the pets there or he will take it out on them.

Sorry I cross posted. Takes me ages to type on the phone. Are your pets rabbits?

I’m wondering whether any local churches might be able to put the word out about foster ‘parents’. He’s using your pets to control you. There will be someone who will would be prepared to foster them for a while, it’s finding them.

https://www.dogstrustfreedom.org.uk/refer-a-client/pets-and-domestic-abuse-#:~:text=Pets%20can%20be%20a%20barrier,care%20for%20their%20pets%20restricted.

7 lost in the last 12 months to suicide, many more over the years.

I'm not alcohol dependent but I do have some issues with it and it's harder when H plonks a four pack in front of me despite me saying I don't want anything and sits there drinking his own every day. I was teetotal for the last two years but yes, I have recently relapsed. Another reason I need to leave - when I'm away from him it's fine but it's like he wants to keep me down (yes, I know it's my choice and decision).

I've got various mental health disorders diagnosed but I'm pretty good at my job (it's just that there isnt much on the market right now) and don't drink when I'm doing it (obviously!).

I didn't at all know he was suicidal. He had little kiddies and everything to live for and seemed happy.

It's hard to leave the pets but you have to put yourself first right now. You can come back to the pets another day. Please just go now.

I'm sat in the living room listening to music that reminds me of my dead friend and trying to get some space and he keeps using some kind of phone app to change it to 'Why don't you get a job' by the Offspring. Repeatedly. Despite me sobbing and begging him to stop.

He really doesn't give a shit about me does he.

OP, as with all your previous posts, this is beyond unhealthy and you need to leave. You’ve been told a thousand times to leave, and I don’t really know what else there is to say.

I don’t think posting here is helping you at all. You post here as a substitute for actually leaving. You have the means to leave, so at this point you are actively choosing to stay and be abused. Make a different choice.

My ex-h was an alcoholic and one of the things he tried was to involve me in his drinking. It was another way of picking arguments, perhaps another way to try and control me.
For now don’t think of this as one big problem you have to find the whole solution for. Break it down.

1. Pets. For cats contact Cats Protection https://www.cats.org.uk/find-us/contact-us. Ask about foster care. If they can’t help ask who they recommend. Dogs Try Cinnamon Trust https://cinnamon.org.uk/contact-us/. Dogs Trust https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/rehoming/giving-up-your-dog. Although this says rehoming ask about fostering.
2. Then plan to go to the refuge. Tell yourself it’s just a stay, not for ever. It’s for you to find support, find information and then in time plan your future.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost so many friends to suicide, that’s incredibly sad and distressing. I think it needs a specific type of support to help you and I’m sure staff at the refuge would be able support you in finding counselling if you feel that would help.

For now it’s one step at a time, one hour at a time. I couldn’t see how I could leave —- multiple pets, a house I had the mortgage on ( trying to get him out previously had resulted in my patio doors being kicked in and threats to me) two kids ( not his) both at Uni, I ran my own business so was tied to that in that specific place. It seemed impossible but I did it one step at a time. Took me 4 months but then I was gone, never saw him again.

I found once I took the first step it seemed much easier, I cleared one thing and that made the rest seem achievable.

You can take your pets to the house you own, the one your brother lives in. If necessary you can go there every day to feed them, if you don’t trust your brother to do it.

Every time it’s pointed out to you that you can leave, you come up with a new (surmountable) reason to pretend to yourself that you can’t. But you can.

Op, I remember your other posts well. They were exactly the same as this one, and everyone gave you the same advice which you continue to ignore. If you don't want better for your life, and if you keep refusing to get up and walk out the door, there's nothing anyone can do to help you. The only thing keeping you there is you.

I don't have the means to leave now. Yes I was a high earner but I haven't worked since January (mainly due to mental health) and he's rinsed all my savings.

I did ask posters not to have a go at me or bring up past threads - the situation has changed significantly (physical abuse and zero savings) and I'm extremely upset right now for reasons set out in my OP. But thanks for ignoring that.

See my post above. My choices are a refuge 3.5 hrs away or moving in with friends which is not ideal as they live very close by and I'll inevitably bump into him.

You can go to the house you own and stay there. You can do that right now.

And he'll know exactly where I am. Honestly at this point I'm scared of him.