OH's parents don't like me or our children

[MamaMay22]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know where to start, I have been with my fiance for 11 years now we have a 10 & 7 y/o together, we have lived together all this time but it's never been easy sailing.
At 8 months pregnant I found out he was messaging women on dating sites planning to meet for s*x. I was devastated but chose to forgive him and move forward once our daughter was born.
His mum visited weekly up until my daughter was 3 and abruptly stopped when I had my second child and her daughter had her first daughter in 2017.
In 2019 we bought our first house together (the previous home was his which we kept to rent out)
Ideally I would have loved to move closer to my family and place of work as they were my childcare and support, but my partner's family made him feel guilty as they wanted him close to them, I felt obliged as my eldest was in school here etc and I didn't want to rip them from everything they knew, fast forward to now, his parents see our children once/twice a year max and they live a 1 minute drive down the road and I feel so isolated and alone, I ended up leaving my job due to being too far for me to travel and struggling to juggle childcare and school runs etc. I have only asked his family to help twice and both times they huffed and puffed telling me they were busy and wish I would 'give them more notice' (it was Tuesday and I'd asked for them to help with Friday morning school run 🥹) his mum has now quit work too and is claiming disability so that she can care for my OH's sisters children, I feel so so hurt. I wish I'd have just listened to my gut and moved closer to my own family and the job I loved. I asked my OH why his family don't like me but all he says is he doesn't know, to me indicates he knows they don't like me 😵‍💫 I've never ever done anything to upset them, I care for my children, their grandchildren exceptionally well, my OH barely lifts a finger in the house and I just feel like an idiot 🥹 I know it must affect my partner too but it causes so many rifts between us. I know he loves his mum but I can't seem to get past everything that's happened and why he would never confront his mum? If it was mine she would have known years ago.
Anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of my post is other than if anyone can relate 🥹🥹🥹

Yes I can relate,could have almost written your post! I try not to let it bother me but the fact my children know the grandparents dislike them/me is SO hurtful. Has also caused arguments in mine and DH relationship over the years. I will never understand some people.

that time your household needed help with the children on a Friday, why didn’t your partner ask his own mother?

I think I know the answer, but I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

My MiL helped her dd in so many ways she didn't help us - I don't think that is particularly unusual - but I don't extrapolate from that that 'she doesn't like me', just that she didn't want to babysit for us.

Dh's sister is much better at being in contact with her Mum than dh is. There's obviously going to be a link.

It's not so much about the help, I have asked once or twice over the years, it's more the fact we have been completely shut out, at our old house we used to have to walk past my OH's sisters house and his mum was there every morning, we lived across the street, I completely understand mums and daughters relationships, hence why I'm so close with my own mum, it's the children who have to see favouritism and ignored that's unusual to me but...I guess it's common 🙄

Did you buy the house together? Joint ownership?

Your partner sounds like the problem…

My partner enables his mum, I'm not going to lie, so yes you probably know the answer 🫠 we never do anything together unless my parents have the kids which I always have to organise.

On a slightly different note are you financially safe if you and your partner split?

Yes joint ownership, he hasn't helped. He's very very poor at communicating! 😔 Ps this is my first post here so sorry if I'm not replying properly 😅

Not at all. I left work last year due to multiple reasons (health and childcare) stacking up and it was what worked best for us. But I've always worked, even when kiddies were tots so finding it extremely hard not having my own income

You don’t sound happy

your partner sound selfish and probably spoke to his family about you.

you’ll never please this parents… so please stop. They sound awful

Consider selling and moving closer to your family if he only see this family twice a year and they don’t help with childcare.

Sorry you're in a similar position, it's really deflating isn't it, we have been engaged since 2018 and I seriously question how our wedding would be 🫠 my family really dislike his due to how they treat and make me and the kids feel, but my family are so so polite and would NEVER let that show. I don't think they realise the problems they cause. I think sometimes it's best to accept you will never understand but...I'm an empath, i want to understand EVERYONE 😅

Why such a long engagement? Get married and at least you will have a bit more financial security

To be honest, I've never been a marriage person. I do understand what you are saying re security, but I'm not really here for advice on security, just to get my frustration re his family out I guess and to speak with like minded people who may be in same situation

But @MamaMay22 I am struggling to see your partner’s good points and he sides with his family who don’t like you. Why do you stay with him?

He does have good points, he's a hard worker and supports us where needed financially, we have the same interests and outlooks on life and raising our children, everything taken away, we get on like a house on fire and do enrich each others lives. But the family situation and the lack of communication is really just getting on top of me and I know it bothers him too.

They all sound ghastly.

Time to leave and have a happier life without them

You sound in quite a precarious position OP. What can you do to improve your security?

I think you need to move closer to your family so that you can have support and be able to return to work. If he loves you he will support your thoughts and feelings with this.

How often does he see his family on his own?

I think your reservations about moving your first child were completely wrong and now that your in-laws have proven not to care I would be making plans to move closer to your parents who are seemingly the only support network you’ve got in terms of ad-hoc childcare. Speak to your DH and see what he says @MamaMay22

How does this man at all enrich your life?. He was looking for women to have sex on when you were 8 months pregnant. It was over then. Sadly for you, you chose to forgive him. He also likely has no intention of marrying you either, why such a long engagement indeed. No wonder your family do not like him. And he being a hard worker as a good point when you state he does nothing at home shows just how low your relationship bar is ie below ground level.

He is also a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother and is far more afraid of her than he is or ever would be of upsetting you. He will never go against her and he is mired in fear obligation and guilt. He does not give a fig about you and neither do his parents. It’s your children I feel the most for in all this, the adults in their lives continue to make poor choices.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. When are you ever going to become tired of being the last person who matters?,

Go back to work, your boyfriend is worthless. Do you get regular STD tests? You know this man cannot be trusted and actively seeks sex elsewhere, he uses you as a domestic appliance. His relatives are irrelevant, get financial security.

Jeez you are in such a terrible position. Not married,two kids, no income, and miles from your family so zero support. Sorry but you've been a bit of a mug.

His family are irrelevant, your personal circumstances are the big issue.

OP here, you guys absolutely ripping into me about being a mug have read that the chat sites happened almost 11 years ago and never ever since right? 😅 I appreciate opinions and advice but telling me I'm a mug and asking if I get regular std checks. Wow. Plus, the long engagement is my choice. My OH would get married tomorrow and has wanted to for years! I can't believe the lack of empathy from this place, won't be posting again that's for sure 🫠🫶🏼
I wanted support re his parents but you've just gone all out on me!!!

You cannot argue with facts.

The fact is forgiving him back then just gave him the green light to continue to treat you and in turn your children here abysmally. You’re financially dependent on him now too.

Making a fresh start nearer your parents would be beneficial to you given you have no support whatsoever from your in-laws.

Hi OP
If your Partner knows his parents don’t like you and his children and are disrespectful why hasn’t he confronted them ?

It sounds like if it was your family being rude you would stick up for him .

Respect starts with each other and he should be supporting you more.