OH's parents don't like me or our children

[MamaMay22]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know where to start, I have been with my fiance for 11 years now we have a 10 & 7 y/o together, we have lived together all this time but it's never been easy sailing.
At 8 months pregnant I found out he was messaging women on dating sites planning to meet for s*x. I was devastated but chose to forgive him and move forward once our daughter was born.
His mum visited weekly up until my daughter was 3 and abruptly stopped when I had my second child and her daughter had her first daughter in 2017.
In 2019 we bought our first house together (the previous home was his which we kept to rent out)
Ideally I would have loved to move closer to my family and place of work as they were my childcare and support, but my partner's family made him feel guilty as they wanted him close to them, I felt obliged as my eldest was in school here etc and I didn't want to rip them from everything they knew, fast forward to now, his parents see our children once/twice a year max and they live a 1 minute drive down the road and I feel so isolated and alone, I ended up leaving my job due to being too far for me to travel and struggling to juggle childcare and school runs etc. I have only asked his family to help twice and both times they huffed and puffed telling me they were busy and wish I would 'give them more notice' (it was Tuesday and I'd asked for them to help with Friday morning school run 🥹) his mum has now quit work too and is claiming disability so that she can care for my OH's sisters children, I feel so so hurt. I wish I'd have just listened to my gut and moved closer to my own family and the job I loved. I asked my OH why his family don't like me but all he says is he doesn't know, to me indicates he knows they don't like me 😵‍💫 I've never ever done anything to upset them, I care for my children, their grandchildren exceptionally well, my OH barely lifts a finger in the house and I just feel like an idiot 🥹 I know it must affect my partner too but it causes so many rifts between us. I know he loves his mum but I can't seem to get past everything that's happened and why he would never confront his mum? If it was mine she would have known years ago.
Anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of my post is other than if anyone can relate 🥹🥹🥹

I asked about STD checks just as something you should strongly consider for your own health, if not already doing so. You need to protect yourself (financially, emotionally etc) as this man will not. Focus on yourself and I wish you strength for a happy future, free of this man.

I have only ever posted on here once before and had the same experience. I posted about my DHs mum.habing dementia and that I was finding it hard that he was doing so much thatbit was affecting our relationship. I had some very unkind posts- one told me that I had no empathy and didn't know what it was like to watch someone deteriorate. Little did thry know I lost a close and dear mother- figure to leukaemia last year
My point is, people on here can be judgemental keyboard warriors. It can be an unkind space.
But, there can also be very kind and logical responses

Now to your situation- my in laws are not keen on me. But, I get on with it and pick and choose events I attend with them.
As for your home situation, you need to have a chat with your OH to explain how you feel about your work/ living arrangements. If he doesn't know, then how can he help. Your relationship works for you and you say you get on well, so tell him that you need to get some parts of your life back

I think going back to work will give you more support financially and socially
You need to ask him to compromise somewhere as your own happiness is important. Sorry if I'm rambling, new to this and a little wary after being previously shot down.

This. Without a marriage certificate you may leave the relationship without any financial security. Given the contribution you've made during the time you've been together and to put a roof over your childrens heads.

Whilst I dont negate how this situation makes you feel, you need to seperate how your in laws respond to their daughter as a reflection on your relationship. It truely is not a competition.

They may see you as more capable a parent.. after all you've only asked for their help twice in years...

Look honestly at your OH relationship with his parents. Does he see them regularly? Do you work as a team to manage them, does he have your back when they are openly hostile towards you ?

What sort of relationship do you ACTUALLY want with them ? Are they actually capable of this ? What regular warm and neutral successful social opportunities have you had? Look at what has worked?

If they are incapable of giving the close relationship you desire you must accept the status quo and just get on with your own family at home. Your children are oblivious to the situation and many grandkids dont have any grandparent relationships. They wont miss what they never had.

However, if you genuinely believe you and your in laws could be in a better situation, and now that you and your MIL are no longer working g perhaps you could start in some small way to build short friendly social interactions. It will take time if there are resentments on both sides to change the situation.
I was at odds with my MIL for 25 years despite the care and love I had for her son and grandkids. My children barely knew her. They were fine without her, and when she passed away I was genuinely sorry. I get your post totally.
My advice is to focus on your kids and not spend any more time circulating past wrongs/ slights. Doing that just keeps picking the scab emotionally. Forgive and let go- for your own peace.
You rarely see them, so make their lack of contact a bonus. If they act as if they dont want to be involved, dont involve them. Dont discuss it endlessly with their son your oh. Accept their disinterest and move on . Dont give people headspace they havent earnt. If you love your oh and your kids, pour your time and energy into them. Gently letting go of the inlaw situation. If you cant change it, let it go. For your sake and for your family's sake.

I totally agree with
AttilaTheMeerkat

It won't get better unless your partner grows a back bone! I had to throw mine out, we separated for like 6weeks when our son was around 6 months old. When we resolved our relationship, he never once let his mam or sister be shitty to me again. That is the only reason we are still together, his mam, dad sister make much more of an effort to be nice to me now 🤣🤣

This was my situation and like you I never found out why they favoured their daughters grandchild over my children.
Both my parents died , my mum in my first pregnancy and my dad 2 years later. Luckily my husband was amazing with our kids and between us we managed childcare whilst we both worked shifts around them. They are in their 40's now. Any help we did receive was always subject to short notice cancellation, very frustrating.
Once your kids are older, they will see the difference in attitudes and fairness and learn to deal with it. We didn't need to say anything negative about it. They could see for themselves and we helped them to understand that life is sometimes not fair and people can be complex.
My worry for you is your isolation financially and from your work and own family. I think you need to be nearer your support and back in some sort of work.

You sound very down and depressed. Your PiLs sound horrible, I had similar FIL but as he was just a generally stupid person it didn't really bother me. If people don't like you they don't. I sm sorry that you live so far away from your parents and family. Your kids aren't babies you could find alternative babysitters. You forgave your partner. I hope you both have really dealt with what he did. I would first concentrate on your health you seem depressed get some help. You aren't working because of ill health get that sorted. When you feel stronger decide what you really want, if your partner would marry you tomorrow surely he would move if it will make you happy. Happy wife happy life? Why aren't you married? It would improve your position legally, and if it doesn't work out get a divorce. This will be an unpopular opinion on MN but I would, get well, ask my partner to move nearer my support network get a job, get married and see the pils twice a year. Their lose not yours.

She's not saying that as explained in other posts.

At this point, I'd be saying we're moving. Move closer to your family, you're eldest will be heading to high school soon.so it's probably a more perfect time, you'll have better support, so will the children and his family can whistle. They've had too much say over your lives!

If his mum then wants to complain, bring it up with her, what do you have to lose. I think at this point your partner can't argue being there is best for anyone, it's affecting you and the kids, your mental health and you may even be able to work again even part time if you felt well enough and wanted to. You'd have proper support and it sounds like that's what you need, you need your family around you x

I agree with Nikki, Ide be saying were moving, sadly we never know how long our parents are going to be alive, you would never forgive yourself for all the what ifs if you don't move and they passed away. Maybe his family don't like you because of your financial dependence on their son? Maybe he moans to them about it, if he actually sees them. Who knows. But I feel it would be better all round if you had your own families support, Ide have gone with my gut instinct a long time ago, also I don't think I could have forgiven my husband for what your man did re the cheating. But I have also never been in that position.

Maybe its time for a big sit down without the kids there and maybe another time with his parents there just to ask them why they are the way they are with you? and tell them that you are thinking of moving away because you might as well at this point and just see what they actually say.

OP, can you move back closer to your parents?
Is that possible?
Would they help you?
Could you sell the house and start again?
Don't get married, is their any point?

You are desperately unhappy with a not very nice partner and family.

Time for you to stop wasting your life with him, near his family.
Start planning is my advice.

We cannot know why they make such little effort with your kids. Maybe they don't get on with your OH, or you, or your kids. Or some people hold a grudge over something most people would never understand. It might actually be good that the miserable gits have quietly reduced contact.

I agree with others that if you get on with your mum and would value the support move closer. You say 'rip' them apart from everything they know. I wonder why youd use those words. I mean people often move if there are benefits. Unless you think your kids would really struggle with change?

Honestly mn is harsh. You could ask which supermarket sells the best laundry tablets and end up being told you're a Satan's B or your OH has fathered 8 kids with 3 narcissistic prostitutes.

It’s the same on a lot of posts. Everyone piles in with “leave the b*stard” and no one actually acknowledges the actual problem.
it does sound like you need to move closer to your family. If you only see his family once or twice a year, there’s absolutely no point in living down the road from them.

Being a parent without emotional support is the longest place on Earth. You need to organise some Comfort in a emotionally supportive place. You are the mainstay of this show. If you don't organise your own emotional well being the kids can't support themselves. Just like in a plane : you must put your own oxygen on before being able to support your kids. Put plan B in action move away from this ' Triangulation'

Would you family be able to get you back on your feet if you did what you know on your heart you need to do?

I get you’re looking for some empathy from others that have been in that situation but unfortunately it’s hard not to judge the overall picture you’re painting - which is that it sounds like you’re not very happy with your life.
Have you considered the logistics of moving closer to your family? Discussed it with your DH? Something has to change, or are you seriously considering putting up with having no independent financial security, beholden to a man who, while I appreciate has nice qualities that you have mentioned, doesn’t really seem to care about you because he has betrayed you in the past, allows you to do all household and childcare responsibilities and doesn’t stick up for you to his parents, all for the sake of keeping your kids in a familiar school? I promise they will adapt and it will do them good to see their mum happy (and have time and engagement from willing grandparents your end!)

Good luck OP, hope you find a solution that works for you.