I know , I know ….im over reacting ….but…

[Stress1996]

So met my husband 5yrs ago …he’s very sociable, loadsa friends…(.men & women) but he has this one female friend I’m wary of , he used to work with her , i met her briefly a couple of times & she’s nice enough…they lost touch a lot with lockdown plus getting together with me I suppose ….her & dh haven’t seen each other in a social setting since I’ve known him , & the only time he’s seen her on her own is when he dropped a wedding invite round to her. I became fb ‘friends’ with her after dh said that we ought to as ‘we’d get on’ & we’ve commented on each others posts a few times …she commented on dh post once saying it’s about time they went out for tea & cake which I was a bit uneasy about & told dh that it came across as a date , they didn’t meet. She didn’t show up to our wedding with an excuse of “I was so tired” then messaged him a few days later asking if he could help her move & plumb in her new w/machine(baring in mind she has a brother , friends & a part time bf that she could have asked) ….he didn’t reply …I admit I got a bit bitchy and mentioned that she couldn’t be bothered to show up to an important time in dh life so isn’t really a good friend & then has the cheek to ask a big favour and as she has no qualms about seeing married men (she has been seeing a married man for years) I didn’t quite trust her….there was something that didn’t quite sit right with me.
Anyway , i know I’m gonna sound a bit loopy but I’ve just noticed she’s deleted me off fb , not dh though. Said to dh & he rolled his eyes & said that’s what she’s like , comes off fb , goes back on , writes Posts , deletes them , doesn’t allow people to put pics of her on but then puts v arty pics of herself on etc etc
Obviously she has every right to remove people off fb but it just feels a bit weird for some reason.
I’m prob just insecure, over reacting , reading too much into it but I just wanted to have a rant to strangers rather than my dh/friends who will question my sanity lol.

You are fine. She is pushing the boundaries here.

I don't think you are over reacting.

Sounds as though she thinks she has a prior claim.on your DH and doesn't respect your position as his wife.

I would be vigilant. And I would be expecting DH to put firm boundaries in his relationship with her.
.

Just want to mention that I’ve always been very nice to her when I’ve seen her , on fb it’s not as if we don’t interact, I’ve commented on things she puts up/vice versa. I’ve also noticed that she’s still fb friends with a friend of ours (male) who she’s only met a couple of times so she can’t be doing a fb cull.
I get the feeling that dh & her were losing touch b4 I came along although he still regarded her as his friend.

Dh has been pretty good about it all but does get a bit frustrated when I imply I don’t trust her as she goes for married men. I think when she didn’t come to our wedding & then asked for a favour it made him think twice. As far as I know they haven’t been in touch for quite some time.

I'm pleased OP that your DH is behaving reasonably and doesn't have a lot to do with her.

Any woman who asks a man during his honeymoon (the wedding was days before) for practical help - install the washing machine?! WTF! - is one to watch very carefully in my book.

But your husband doesn't seem to be putting up the necessary boundaries either.

Just tell him it makes you uncomfortable.
You should be nr. 1 in his life.

Good luck OP.

P.s. Didn't read the whole thread by the way.

I just let my mind run away with me ….my nose was put out of joint when i noticed she’d deleted me , but not others ….

Oh I definitely am no1.
He did realise that her saying about going for tea & cake wasn’t a good idea & said if it happened he’d want me to go with him anyway. And although he won’t admit it , her not turning up to our wedding then having the cheek to ask a favour obviously annoyed him as he didn’t reply.

Please don't question yourself or tell yourself off. Her behaviour is way way off!
Who behaves that way? I'm single yet I'd never ever ask any married man to come help in my home. It's just a huge boundary overstep and I say that as someone who is not attractive or likely to turn their head 🤣.

If you had a pal like this I imagine your husband would absolutely hate it. I would expect him to keep this woman at a very huge distance to the point of almost no contact.

I'm very much live and let live, I'm not a traditionalist either. However, I have issues with women who have relationships with married men. No boundaries and no self respect is a dangerous combo tbh. ( Yes the men are vile for doing it also!)

Trust your gut. She sounds like a woman that likes the chase. Basically a dirt bag

Sounds as though she thinks she has a prior claim.on your DH and doesn't respect your position as his wife.

Yep. We had a mutual friend like that. No longer a friend of either of ours.

Some women like the thrill of chasing married men. They are insecure and get their self esteem from feeling like they supercede the partner in some way.

but what you are implying is that you don't trust him, though. and in his shoes i'd be pissed off about that too.

Up to now has he given you even the slightest inclination that he is interested in her that way? from your posts it seems not. In which case trust him.

You’re bang on here OP. this could be a long shot but based on what you’ve said she either wants more with your husband or like the idea of more. I think she’s maybe tried to befriend you and realised that hasn’t worked so she’s said sod it because the hoped for benefit isn’t materialising for her

I only have limited experience of this but I've seen it happen a few times.

Men can often be reluctant to be direct with a woman behaving inappropriately for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it doesn't go away. Ignoring often emboldens the other woman who thinks, "Well, he hasn't said he doesn't like it or told me to stop...", wife is pissed off at that, the man feels it's gone on too long to say anything andnitsnall got a bit awkward...

The OP might trust him not to act on the other woman's advances but she might feel she can't trust him not to shut them down adequately.

but if he's not going to her coffee & cake meetings, or helping her plumb in her washing machine etc, and not really initiating contact, then - meh.

if he is stringing her along and enjoying the attention - less meh and more "i'd tell him to shape up or ship out"

it takes 2 to tango and if he's not dancing, she's just making herself look stupid.

You’re right …it’s weird cos I do trust him but I have such a low opinion of myself that I struggle with thinking he’ll suddenly realise I’m “not all that” ….hes never given me any reason to feel this way , it’s my problem & I’m trying to overcome it.

No , he’s definitely not stringing her along/enjoying the attention & not meeting up with her socially ….hes a good’un.
Im 100% sure he thinks they’re just mates …as far as I know they used to go out for drinks /festivals etc , just them & with others. I think for her it was having a man around but not having a relationship (she was ..is…seeing a married man)
When she messaged after our wedding to tell him she was moving away he replied with “the lengths you’ll go to to get over me” ….he said it was meant as a joke & said she’d know he was joking …she then asked about the washing machine “I can do it , I just need a man to check it’s done properly “ I could almost see her fluttering her eyelashes as she wrote it lol.
That’s when I got a bit miffed & he didn’t reply to her. So she moved away ….then returned a couple months later with a dramatic post on fb about midlife crisis.
This was about a year ago and to my knowledge there’s been no messsges between then since …he doesn’t even comment on her fb statuses whereas I have …..just seems a bit strange that she’s deleted me 🤷🏽‍♀️

She sounds like a bit of a twat and I doubt your DH is especially keen on her. I would say let their friendship fizzle out naturally.

i think you just need to ask him to drop her, and that hope he sees sense.

“the lengths you’ll go to to get over me”
Well I see that as a bit off op
I wouldn't be happy with my dp saying that about his female friend
And I can't imagine saying it to any of my purely platonic friends either.

Tbh, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing to say to a purely platonic friend. It's on par with when my partner and I got engaged and one of his friends told me he guessed it meant he was definitely out of the running now.

It's just a joke but it is the sort of thing I was referring to when I said that the OP might not feel she can trust her husband to adequately shut her down.

It's not the sort of thing you can say to someone who is chasing you because they read it as flirting even though it isn't.

just seems a bit strange that she’s deleted me

It doesn't seem strange to me. She's done it because it's not you she wants replying to her posts. It's your husband. And he isn't playing ball. Every time you replied, that will have pissed her off because she's trying to compete with you and you're winning.

I've known a couple of women who behave like this. Sometimes, they just back off when it doesn't work and sometimes they up the ante.

Also, by replying you're showing her that you're not bothered by her. And she might possibly even read it as you rubbing her face in the fact that you're 'winning'.

Women who behave like this have very low self esteem and will read all sorts of motivations into all sorts of scenarios.

Essentially, they assume that you are playing the same game they are.

Id tell your dh that you would like him to defriend her and cut contact because something feels off and its making you feel weird, so you'd appreciate him having your back here.

Yes , I wasn’t too pleased about it tbh but I know he thought he was being funny , I did tell him that it was a pretty stupid thing to say.