DH is a bit difficult and not sure I like him anymore

[Dontfeellikedancing]

We've had a blow up today and I'm exhausted by how much of my time is taken making sure he has done what he said he's going to do.

When we moved into our house the sellers agreed to do some building work on the home before we exchanged. This was written in the contract and our solicitor was very clear that we should not exchange until the work was done. DH sets off one day to go and confirm that it's been done without me as I had a driving lesson. He comes back and says it's all good and to exchange. I arrive on the day of completion to find out nothing has been done and I asked DH why he said that it had and he told me that he wasn't sure what he was going there for. Even if this was true he didn't call or text me on the day or reread the emails to our solicitor and essentially drove 30 miles to have a chat with a man he didn't know then drove back.

He will regularly dump clean and freshly washed clothing back into a laundry basket that he can't be bothered to hang up or put away. I caught him this week as they were our son's school PE socks that I pair a specific way as DS finds it funny. When I asked him why he did that he just said he didn't know they were clean, but he had taken them from the wardrobe he had dumped them in.

We had a new bathroom installed after a flood and as it cost so much and we didn't trust that he would keep it clean (it's the nicest room in our horrible house) he suggested switching to me cleaning the bathroom and him the kitchen. We only have set rooms for cleaning as he doesn't do any cleaning and I was doing it all. I reiterated that kitchens get messy quickly and reminded him that the oven and and fridge are in the kitchen and will need cleaning. He said that it would be fine. Of course it's been three years and he's mopped the kitchen floor once and has never touched the oven. I do it all.

Last year he volunteered to host Christmas without telling me until early December. We have a December born son and I had taken a week off from work to potty train our youngest DS. By the time he let me know the slots for food were all gone and we ended up spending an unbelievable amount of money. We are the poor relations, we have the youngest children within his family and the smallest house. They were leaving literal grade listed mansions to come and sit in our shithole. There wasn't enough space around the dining table for everyone and then he ruined the Christmas meal (I can't tell this story as I will out myself) so I ended up with no meat so the guests could have some. His family are used to his behaviour and laughed it off but I've truly never been so embarrassed.

He also promised to do our DS's reading with him. I had done his school reading and homework for the first three years and needed a break as my youngest is breastfeeding and wakes hourly. He agreed. I went to parents evening last year and got absolutely torn apart by my son's teacher as his reading record was completely blank for the term and it was clear that DS hadn't been practicing at home. When I asked DH why he had lied to me he said 'Oh yeah, that's terrible'.

He cannot apologise properly, if I get upset at his inability to apologise or follow through then I'm the bad person for getting angry. He does not believe that anyone has a right to anger ever. If I have to ask him to do something 16 times that every single time should be as polite as the first time.

He also gets very strange about odd things. So, he does the food shop as he doesn't like me doing it (he would go into my online shop and change things). But he would regularly forget 10 to 15 items, so I made a master list of everything we every bought based on our cupboards and previous online shops. I gave him the list. He refused to use it, said he didn't like it. Went on and on about how terrible it was and how it wasn't fit for purpose.

I'm really struggling with being attracted to him. I can't keep thinking for another adult. Am I overreacting? He's a fantastic dad, works hard at his career and our children adore him and he's loving and caring with them. But I am tired.

Honestly, you’re clutching at straws.

So he cooks and does some driving and ‘never complains’ (why should he complain, there’s nothing to complain about). So what? These are just basic contributions to an adult household, they don’t cancel out everything he’s doing wrong.

It’s understandable to try to find good points but these things are just basic, they’re not anything special and they don’t make the other stuff ok.

What’s his mother’s opinion on whether he should get a diagnosis or be medicated got to do with anything? Your husband is an adult - it’s up to him.

You’re also an adult and it’s up to you if you stay or not, religious community or no. I’d just say that whilst divorce is difficult it is often necessary, and any people of faith who refuse to support their fellow humans in making better lives aren’t particularly community minded or living by the spirit of love, which is the bedrock of all religions.

Omg he sounds horrendous. Why has it anything to do with his mother. He's married to you with his own family. Only you can decide what you want to do going forward but seriously sounds you'd be better off on your own with kids. Life's hard enough without having to supervise another adult.

You can still co parent if you split up. I couldn’t handle this and I would be calling time on this relationship now to save myself. He will drag you down and just keep dragging.

I think of you wk y leave you should consider marriage guidance counselling to get this all out in the open. After which he may change a bit, but I doubt he'll change a lot.

He's truly awful OP.
Stop wasting energy on a selfish pig and focus on getting out of this utterly doomed marriage.
He's not a project to fix.
Leave him to it.
Life is just too short to waste on men like this.

Are you in the UK? The first ADHD was diagnosed here in the 90's. Anyway I have ADHD and although I am not perfect with cleaning nor everything I still manage to clean etc. You mention he is good at his job and he hasn't been sacked so we can assume he doesn't show these traits there. Which means he can do things when he feels there is benefit to him (money). Also is he really a fantastic father if he leaves everything to the mother of his children whilst he gets to do just the fun stuff?
Only you can decide whether it's a serious talk, counselling on your own or a split but I can say at least on your own it's only your own mess and it stays cleaner longer etc.

Until you are ready to leave (if that point comes), my advice would be to stop covering up for him, stop being embarrassed by him and (to the extent you can do it without it affecting the children) stop fixing his shit.

My H is fairly useless and with the Christmas thing, I've reached a point where I'd just say "I'm cooking for me and the kids, if you've invited anyone else you'll have to sort it". I wouldn't feel any embarrassment that H was entertaining his family in an untidy house with a takeaway curry.

The reading thing I would intervene on for DC's sake. I get you on the newborn exhaustion - I had a newborn when my DC was in reception a couple of years ago. We did the reading on a park bench on the way to school.

The clean washing thing alone would be a massive deal breaker for me. I can't imagine ever wanting to shag someone or live with someone who would do that. 🤮.

He's not going to change op. You need to know that.

So your husband at 33 went after an inexperienced 18 year teenager?

That's an absolutely enormous red flag.My DD is 18;if she brought home a 33 year old man I'd be drop kicking him out of the door as men that age have no business dating a 18 year old.

Your bar is in the gutter - he’s a rubbish dad not a fantastic one. He doesn’t keep the house they live in clean, he doesn’t do their laundry properly, he can’t even be arsed to sit and listen to them reading.

he might have adhd he might not - I have it and life is hard for people with it with lack of organisation, losing track of tasks, forgetting things - you don’t just shrug your shoulders and go oh well - you find ways to deal with those and you struggle on so that you are pulling your weight. And the not getting angry thing isn’t RSD he just doesn’t want to hear it. He knows he’s not going to do whatever it is either way

Oh yes the age gap is a huge red flag too

It looks to me you'd be happier living just with your child in a different place....

Sounds more like old age than ADHD to me. I'd be looking for someone younger and more with it personally.

Just wanted to say something I found hugely helpful years ago:
Someone ( a vicar's wife, although this was not the context in which I knew her, and I've never met her husband) who was being a very caring friend to me during a horrible time in my life said one day, "My husband (I.e. the vicar) always says that there are many ways of being unfaithful in a marriage. It's easy for men to say they haven't been unfaithful because they haven't had sex with someone else but infidelity to your marriage vows takes many, many forms."

That really struck a chord with me. I still had to think about it for some considerable time but I eventually realised that he really wasn't being faithful to our marriage and as a result, I was very, very unhappy.

I left. My life since has been much, much happier.

ADHD or not he sounds awful. Why on earth would he take a clean pair of socks and put them back into the basket - for shits and giggles? Putting washing back in the laundry basket rather than putting them away is just plain lazy, it's something my younger teens did (and stopped doing I might add) Tbh I'd just simply stop doing stuff for him. No more master spreadsheet, If he does the cooking then it's him that's inconvenienced.

Stop washing his clothes.
He invites people for Christmas, he sorts Christmas, if it looks like he's going to leave it all to you, go to your parents or have a holiday with you and the dc.

It's complete disrespect, it might 'only' be a pair or socks but by god I want to shove them up his arse after reading your op.

OP I understand you may not be ready or want to leave him. But I do think it's relevant that he's older, you've been with him since you were 18, and there's a religious community element - because all these things work towards you feeling less agency as an individual. You've been with him since you were very young and presumably not had much other experience of relationships or of being a single adult and free to make your own decisions. You have now matured into your adult self and grown up, and you're able to see that he hasn't.

I'm not going to urge you to leave because only you can decide that, but I will say I know from experience that MN can be a huge support and source of advice if you do decide to - and if you don't. And as a PP said, if you're not ready yet but feel you might leave one day, making that plan can help. Having it as something you know but he doesn't can in itself make you feel stronger and less controlled by his actions.

And yes re the socks. That's something my teen DD did - chuck clean things in the wash because she couldn't be arsed to sort them out and put them away. She found out if she takes the piss with the washing and gives me extra work to do, she can do her own washing. I wasn't mean or shouty about it, I just said I'll do the laundry if I'm treated respectfully and my labour is not taken for granted, and she could do her own washing for a week any time she wasted my time or was rude about it. It sank in. For an adult to do it is much worse and I would be telling him the exact same.

I would have left the day he thought it was appropriate to move his young family into a house with incomplete building work.
What kind of idiot goes to check something as important as that and totally ignores the fact the work hasn't been done.

I had to go back and check your title was DH and not DS.