DH is a bit difficult and not sure I like him anymore

[Dontfeellikedancing]

We've had a blow up today and I'm exhausted by how much of my time is taken making sure he has done what he said he's going to do.

When we moved into our house the sellers agreed to do some building work on the home before we exchanged. This was written in the contract and our solicitor was very clear that we should not exchange until the work was done. DH sets off one day to go and confirm that it's been done without me as I had a driving lesson. He comes back and says it's all good and to exchange. I arrive on the day of completion to find out nothing has been done and I asked DH why he said that it had and he told me that he wasn't sure what he was going there for. Even if this was true he didn't call or text me on the day or reread the emails to our solicitor and essentially drove 30 miles to have a chat with a man he didn't know then drove back.

He will regularly dump clean and freshly washed clothing back into a laundry basket that he can't be bothered to hang up or put away. I caught him this week as they were our son's school PE socks that I pair a specific way as DS finds it funny. When I asked him why he did that he just said he didn't know they were clean, but he had taken them from the wardrobe he had dumped them in.

We had a new bathroom installed after a flood and as it cost so much and we didn't trust that he would keep it clean (it's the nicest room in our horrible house) he suggested switching to me cleaning the bathroom and him the kitchen. We only have set rooms for cleaning as he doesn't do any cleaning and I was doing it all. I reiterated that kitchens get messy quickly and reminded him that the oven and and fridge are in the kitchen and will need cleaning. He said that it would be fine. Of course it's been three years and he's mopped the kitchen floor once and has never touched the oven. I do it all.

Last year he volunteered to host Christmas without telling me until early December. We have a December born son and I had taken a week off from work to potty train our youngest DS. By the time he let me know the slots for food were all gone and we ended up spending an unbelievable amount of money. We are the poor relations, we have the youngest children within his family and the smallest house. They were leaving literal grade listed mansions to come and sit in our shithole. There wasn't enough space around the dining table for everyone and then he ruined the Christmas meal (I can't tell this story as I will out myself) so I ended up with no meat so the guests could have some. His family are used to his behaviour and laughed it off but I've truly never been so embarrassed.

He also promised to do our DS's reading with him. I had done his school reading and homework for the first three years and needed a break as my youngest is breastfeeding and wakes hourly. He agreed. I went to parents evening last year and got absolutely torn apart by my son's teacher as his reading record was completely blank for the term and it was clear that DS hadn't been practicing at home. When I asked DH why he had lied to me he said 'Oh yeah, that's terrible'.

He cannot apologise properly, if I get upset at his inability to apologise or follow through then I'm the bad person for getting angry. He does not believe that anyone has a right to anger ever. If I have to ask him to do something 16 times that every single time should be as polite as the first time.

He also gets very strange about odd things. So, he does the food shop as he doesn't like me doing it (he would go into my online shop and change things). But he would regularly forget 10 to 15 items, so I made a master list of everything we every bought based on our cupboards and previous online shops. I gave him the list. He refused to use it, said he didn't like it. Went on and on about how terrible it was and how it wasn't fit for purpose.

I'm really struggling with being attracted to him. I can't keep thinking for another adult. Am I overreacting? He's a fantastic dad, works hard at his career and our children adore him and he's loving and caring with them. But I am tired.

ADHD has been suggested but because his mother had him tested before I don't know how open he would be to being tested again. She's also said that she doesn't want him medicated for anything due to his age when I asked about having him tested as an adult, which I thought was a little strange to say.

Also, while he is very successful at his job he regularly butts heads with his manager and will go against decisions they have made if he thinks he's in the right which does cause some issues. He does not always make it in to work as he can sleep through alarms.

I saw that a few previous posters asked why I stayed and had more babies, in my defence I met him when I was 18 and basically went from my parents home to being married. There is almost 15 year age gap and I had zero experience with men, was very sheltered, naive and stupid and didn't really understand how exhausting a partner like this can be. I've now been with him almost half of my life and it's been mostly difficult. I don't think he's a bad person, he's definitely lazy and has little understanding of my feelings but since we've had our second, he cooks 80% of our meals and does all the nursery drop offs because I still can't drive and he never complains.

I would like to have a meeting and let him know how I feel but we've had these attempts at a 'come to Jesus meeting' but he won't change and we're part of a religious community so I'm not actively planning to leave. If I was richer and more capable I might consider it!

It is really helpful to hear that I'm not overreacting. When you're in the thick of it and arguing about socks I just look at myself and think what is going on.

@Dontfeellikedancing I understand your position. People all too easily say just leave when it isn't always an option or something you feel willing to do.

It's incredibly weird and infantilising that his mum says that. It's like he is a 12 year old. I wouldn't even let his mum into this conversation going forward.

Apologies if you've already said but if leaving is not really am option for you, does it ever work to appeal to his humanity! By that I mean sitting him down and telling him the absolute truth.

E.g this is hurting me immensely, this is having a big impact on the strength of my connection to you and my desire for intimacy. I know you've gone through this before but I want you to have a proper ADHD assessment without involving your mum and we can take it from there.'

I have ADHD. It doesn’t make you lie about stuff. ADHD definitely doesn’t make you lie about reading with your kids and it doesn’t make you lie about building work on a house being complete when it’s not.

I can’t get past you describing him as a “fantastic dad”.

He is not a fantastic dad. He couldn’t even get his shit together enough to listen and keep a record of his child’s reading 🙄

Oh god, I seem to have spent the whole day today advising people to leave their lazy, clueless and shit husbands! I don't want to project (and feel I must be!) but honestly I could have written your post a couple of years ago (in fact I did write something very similar) and the truth is things don't improve with these men. If your children are small and money is an issue and leaving seems impossible, at least work towards being in a position where you know you can leave eventually - keep working so you aren't financially dependent on this joker, have your own bank account and savings, build your support network, and make decisions based on a presumption that you'll go when you can.

I can't say that he doesn't have ADHD, any more than I can say that all the husbands on here with OW aren't doing it because they're 'depressed', but this kind of weaponised incompetence is way more common than neurodivergence so what are the odds. My ex blathered about ADHD too, but never did anything about a diagnosis, coping strategies or treatment. Didn't even buy a book about it. Lots of anger when reminded of things he shouldn't have needed reminding of, lots of sorry sorry I'll do better but no actual effort to change or mature, and lots of passive aggressive 'forgetting' or 'not noticing'.

It wore me down and it'll wear you down too. Get out while you still have the energy. Life is so much better without dragging someone who is unwilling to do basic adult stuff along behind you.

are you sure you can’t actively plan to leave? I can’t help think you might be happier, healthier, less stressed, more likely to live longer and be able to enjoy retirement and (perhaps) grandchildren than if you were stuck with this man? I’d be out of there like a shot to be honest, rather than stay with a shit dad shit husband and all round useless bloke. Can’t clean, can’t do a simple clearly described task, sabotages cleaning you’ve done eg the washing, gets mad at you and criticises when you suggest ways for him to be less shit eg the shopping, never keeps a commitment so no point even talking to him, SHIT DAD who commits to his child’s basic development then does fucking nothing…

He sounds like my teenager who has ADHD.

Dyslexia and ADHD are often linked together!

Well he isn't a fantastic dad, is he? Look at how he let your son down over the reading.
Whatever the reason for his behaviour - and I'm sceptical about ADHD being to blame for most of the bizarre things he does - there's nothing lovable or likeable about this man.

He isn’t a fantastic dad, he can’t even be bothered to listen to his child reading. Maybe he is a fun dad?

Personally I would find this level of incompetence extremely unattractive and would have to end the relationship but it’s up to you if you can bear to carry on living with this man child.

What do you want to teach your children relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you want them to grow up thinking their dad’s behaviour towards you and they is acceptable?.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment too when they can think of nothing else positive about their man, Just like you have done.

Leaving is always an option open to you. Divorce is not failure here OP, living in such unhappiness is.

I agree with couple counselling and maybe a testing again for ADHD.

If he take seriously have upset you are with his behaviour and looking at ways to change… I personally could not live with a partner I didn’t respect.

how old are you’re children?

OP, you say he’s not a bad person and a good dad, but from what you’ve written it doesn’t seem like that’s true. He didn’t care about your feelings, overwork, or being an equal partner. Being a good dad means being good to you - and doing the “work” tasks like the reading.

If he was a good, kind person, he would care and try. Not deny, argue, or be defensive.

My DP is messier, clumsier, more forgetful and disorganised than me. It can be frustrating. But he wants to clean, cook, be an equal partner, and will always help me out. He doesn’t argue or deny. Problems between us are always resolved because we can talk and listen. He’s a wonderful man who I value deeply - even if he does leave a trail of mess that invisible to him, if I point it out or start cleaning it he can’t join in quick enough. Because he gives a shit.

I had one like your DH once, and you can’t work with them. If you ever ask for help, change, or say you’re struggling or frustrated, they’ll always just turn it around and make out you’re being nasty to them by criticising them. So nothing can ever change.

You'd be better off alone than constantly disappointed, embarrassed and exhausted.

I had an incompetent ex. Not ADHD and perfectly well performing at work, but just left all the mental load to me. Planning stuff for kids, organising the house, finances, packing for holidays, etc etc. If asked he might do it but badly so I just gave up. For this and other reasons the marriage ended and I’m now with a new partner who totally pulls his weight and I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to feel part of a team together. We jointly plan things, I can talk to him about practical problems, we share domestic workload… he’s got my back and I’ve got his.

And one of the best things - which is why I’m posting - is that my kids see the difference. I feel so glad that they now have a sense of what an affectionate, respectful relationship looks like, and that they can look for the same in their future lives. Despite the difficulties of the separation I truly believe that the decisions I’ve made are in the best interests of the kids, rather than staying together and them seeing the unhappiness and resentment and thinking that’s what marriage is about.

It took years to get here, and the kids were teens already when the changes happened. I wish I’d done it earlier but I can’t tell you the relief when - like a PP said - I didn’t have to pretend to like my ex any more or defend him, and then to meet a new partner was the icing on the cake - it was way better even before that happened.

So I agree with PP - think hard what you want your future to be… if you can’t do it financially now then see if you can make plans, and start opening up to friends if you can, and gradually see if you can make that separation possible.

ADHD or not. Who bloody cares.

He sounds dreadful OP, truly awful.

I've no advice bur ADHD or not this can't continue for you.

How old are you both and what ages are your DC?

Did he read with your son but didn't fill in the record?

Saying this guy and his dickhead behaviour might have ADHD honestly does a disservice to those who do have it

ADHD doesn't turn people into selfish arse holes unless that's how they are anyway.

Leave him or become his carer, Op. That's your choice.

Last year he volunteered to host Christmas without telling me until early December.

At least he told you. My similar sounding DH didn't tell me last year abs his DSis told me "in case I didn't know".

Honestly it will only get worse OP. It does very much sound like he could have ADHD but if he won't seek help or recognise his behaviour isn't quite the norm I'd get out now.

Just seen your latest post. Is leaving him absolutely out of the question? It seems an awful choice to live a very unhappy life with a DH who is unwilling to even see your point of view let alone seek help just to please your community. Some would say that community isn't very supportive of that's what they expect of you.

He gets medicated as fast as he can and if it doesn’t improve things you and DCs leave.

Please don’t let religion be why you stay with this awful, substandard man.

I am shocked by his behaviour.

This. He’s not a fantastic dad, he treats you all like shit.

He sounds exhausting tbh .