DP overthinking engagement/marriage

[BowlieSplat]

My DP of 4 years has been married before and I have not.

He doesn’t talk about it much, I suppose to save my feelings, but from bits I gather he did a whole romantic proposal and he planned a lot of the wedding, it wasn’t his choice to get divorced so he takes marriage seriously.

I have been briefly engaged once before to the father of my children, and I shared with DP once that it was the least romantic situation ever, my ex had no intention of marriage. In fact the entire awfulness of it was a major bone of contention between us and a big reason of why we split up in the end and I had given the ring back to him shortly after it was shoved at me begrudgingly following his bad behaviour towards me.

There was one very awkward situation between DP and I last year, where a really lovely photo was taken of us at a wedding while we were dancing in a fun pose. I sent it to DP and I got a weird vibe back from his reaction to it. It turned out that he did that EXACT same pose at his wedding with his ex wife and he got it blown up into a huge print and displayed it in their house. Now our photo feels weird lol.

Marriage is important to me, I was open with DP when we met, he agrees that it has meaning for him too. We don’t speak about this topic very often at all - I don’t bring it up - but on the rare occasions when DP has had a drink or 2, he likes to bring it up and gets soppy and asks me if I will consider marring him one day. I always say yes. He then spirals into panicking he has accidentally proposed to me, and that it needs to be some big huge perfect proposal and that I would need a big special wedding.

I always tell him that no, it’s the sentiment of the gesture not the performance that’s important. And that I don’t care about a proposal, we could just agree it together and do something low key. I do not care about anything apart from if he means it, and also wants to do it.

It’s annoying me that it keeps coming up in this context and he’s only brave enough to talk about it after a glass of wine a couple times a year (he’s a lightweight) but still… no timeline of marriage and he’s convinced himself that he needs to do something huge and nerve wracking. Why doesn’t he just listen to what I am saying? 😫 or is this him having second thoughts about it?

Secretly scared?

Are you sure he's over his ex OP? The reaction to the photo would have bothered me a bit I think.

Do you want to marry him? You could propose to him to take the pressure off if you do/you're sure!

He is over his ex for sure. The photo I think just made him feel awkward, it was the exact same pose if you saw them side by side you would see what I mean. It just looks like we recreated his wedding photo accidentally 😂. I just didn’t know at the time and I know him well enough that he was trying to spare my feelings about the photo so he just didn’t say much about it which is unusual as he is still the type to physically print and frame a nice photo of us. He has done this with lots of photos of us

I assume he is scared perhaps, but also he acts like I need something spectacular. When I don’t.

I have a lovely friend whose equally lovely partner just wouldn’t consider marriage after his parents had a horrendous divorce. They did end up marrying but after 20 years together. I’m not sure of the in and outs of what changed his mind.

Sounds like there is similar damage here for both of you. I suspect you feel similar to each other (which is why you understand each other) but want to act in opposite ways (which is causing the conflict).

Well, it’s not that important to him, is it? You’ve been together 4 years. He knows it’s important to you and you’re definitely going to say yes. So what’s stopping him? I don’t think he’s over his ex and I’m not convinced he wants to marry you.

Tell him that you don't want the big romantic gesture. You want a small romantic gesture where you decide together or he just says @BowlieSplat will you marry me? If he wants to marry you then you can choose the proposal and he can choose something else. Or else it's all talk and no desire.

I'm afraid OP I would suspect he isn't over his ex.

I have mentioned the ex but he is over her, he doesn’t bring her up in a way that concerns me. He is glad they split up in the end as it didn’t work out. The only details I know are just things that I’ve seen like photos or have come up in conversation with him or his family. I agree he could be afraid after getting divorced but I am 100% sure he’s over his ex. He is so lovely to me in every other way.

I feel bothered that I am getting older and it’s just never been an option for me so it is not something I will ever get to experience with the person I love and want to be with forever. I’m aware it’s probably not all it’s cracked up to be and probably doesn’t change anything in real life. I would go in jeans I don’t care about anything spectacular. Is this something I need to just get over and stop caring about?

Ask him to marry you, if you don't want something spectacular and put a lot of pressure on it what's stopping you from proposing?

Do you know for certain he just doesn't want to get married again? He might not want to tell you because it seems to be a deal breaker for you but it might be the reality, some people just don't want to do it again.

Why don't you both just Google the registry office process and go from there? Just get married if you both want to build a future together. It doesn't have to be this dramatic.

My husband went through a messy divorce, before he met me (massive age gap).
It was nine years living together before we married and twenty years before he put his properties into joint names (no kids).
So these divorce situations are probably scary.
No regrets here, though.

My friends now wife gave him an ultimatum after lots of years & similar discussions as you've mentioned, she also worried her age as 40 approached & they'd been together years, she simply had enough & said marry me or I'm off, packed her bags & moved out.

A week later he relented, they've been married 5 plus years now.

Obvs that can backfire massively, I wouldn't have relented (I'm male) simply as I didn't want to get married, but if its really important to you, you might have to do similar.

Hmm. I think he might be future faking you a bit.

@CallmePaul i assume you have told your DP that you dint want to get married though.
So it’s quite a different situation than the OP. Unless he is future faking.

@BowlieSplat what about turning the tables and YOU propose to him instead. In a nice romantic way (as it seems important to him) but removing the weight of ‘doing it right’, ‘doing it again’ etc…

It sounds like you both might be making assumptions and both of you seem to avoid talking about your previous experiences for fear of hurting the other person.

your assumption: “it wasn’t his decision to get divorced so he takes marriage seriously”. Not wanting to get divorced does not necessarily mean one takes marriage seriously. I would say not wanting to get divorced means he loved her and wanted to stay with her. It’s possible you know he takes marriage seriously because he told you. But you can’t make that conclusion based just on the fact he didn’t want the divorce.
Even if he takes marriage seriously, maybe he takes it so seriously he only believes in marrying once. Maybe he takes it very seriously and isn’t certain about marrying you…
another assumption: The fact he doesn’t mention the ex doesn’t mean he isn’t over her. His actions speak otherwise.

As for his assumptions… IF my feeling that the two of you tend to avoid talking about your exes to protect the other is correct, he could be filling in a lot of blanks incorrectly. Maybe he thinks you are picky about the type of proposal you want, maybe he thinks you don’t care much for marriage….
Bottom line, you guys need to have an honest, open conversation about what you want from the future and the timeline.

I am not going to ask him because I have already said I’m happy to just agree to get married and then do it, low key, without a big proposal and that I would do it in a registry office. I’ve laid out my cards and he says things like well other stuff needs to happen first or it’s on the cards in the future. He told me he takes marriage seriously I am not assuming that.

A recent conversation took place where I read a random an article while he was sitting next to me and brought it up as a conversation, I said I was not a big believer in soul mates but open to and interested in what the interpretation meant to other people. I explained that I didn’t believe in souls but I agree you can have a good match of chemistry I’m not sure you can know someone is ‘the one’ the first day you meet. He said I sometimes had a depressing outlook on love/romance and that sometimes it comes across as though through my previous experiences, the bar is low and just the fact that he is nice to me as a basic standard seems to make me happy and being nice and kind is the bare minimum of how people should treat each other. I got annoyed as he was making it sound like I was just latching on to anyone who is nice to me and I pushed back and said well what makes you different to me surely that’s what anyone would want? I was single for years before I met him as I wouldn’t settle for anything less than what I deserve.

The conversation led that it appears yes he thought she was his soulmate then but it all went sour and she wasn’t the person he thought she was, or she changed, and well, he moved on. I don’t know how I can express that he is over her. I am not sure he is over having his heart broken or getting divorced but he is over her as the person. He does talk about her but not in great detail as it’s not relevant to him anymore. He doesn’t like her as a person (who she is now). I know they had good times together and he was in it for life. Hes not hiding that. He says things like maybe he didn’t see that she was a twat then but he thinks she’s a twat now.

I pointed out that I have not had the opportunity to have that moment where your love for another person is being celebrated in a marriage and you get the moment where you think ‘omg yes this amazing, the person I love and want to be with forever’ that you would get at a wedding etc and that unfortunately I had previously been with someone who was all wrong for me and made me feel rubbish. I do get that feeling when we have romantic moments and they are lovely and I love being with him.

I think from our conversations well he has already done that, had those feelings it just wasn’t with me back then, and I’ve never had that with anyone else but him so I am 5 steps behind or on the wrong page.

Who knows. I am avoiding assuming anything. Can’t explain how I feel about it all to be honest. I’m probably just going to try to move on from letting it bother me. I am keen to avoid a scenario of embarrassing myself and I can live a nice life without a marriage, he is serious in other ways such as buying a house together so perhaps I have to settle for that. I’m acutely aware that I might be chasing some silly fantasy. Maybe it’s about ego and this crushes my ego a bit knowing I can’t live up this level of whatever it is. The ex got a 2nd man to marry her within a short time frame so she is a lucky lady, having all these men at her feet proposing. Perhaps I am envious as I have zero. LOL.

after posting this we were cleaning up, he was getting fed up with it and he said ‘let’s just elope and run away’ out of nowhere. I said where we off to, he said Greece. I replied what time is our flight. Then I said do you mean elope to get married or run away from real life - he said let’s do both. So we have these weird nonsense conversations that don’t help as we will not be running off to elope that I’m aware of

I’m just going to ask him outright later on

Good luck. Do you have a plan B for if it comes to nothing again?

What are these “other things” that need to happen before you get married?

I’ve laid out my cards and he says things like well other stuff needs to happen first or it’s on the cards in the future.

Aww congratulations great update! Go in September Greece is lovely then.

I don’t think he has any intention of marrying you. I hope I’m wrong but it sounds like he just sees it as a bit of a joke. His comments about you settling for a low bar are also concerning - he knows he can get away with not marrying you despite it being what you want.

You mention @BowlieSplat that you have kids.....does he ? How old are you both & do you want more kids (with him ?)

I'm afraid to say I dont think he wants to get married.....not to you, not to anyone. I think he's been scared off due to his previous divorce.

I've been there. Divorced twice. Would never ever consider it again.

I'm sorry but he is just pissing you about. Double after the eloping crapola. He's not going to marry you. I wouldn't get married again and I don't feel it's necessary for sincere commitment, but he's being dishonest with you

It's entirely possible that the breakdown of his marriage and subsequent divorce has scared him of remarrying. The fact he didn't want the divorce, suggests, he was still invested in the relationship and his ex-wife wasn't. He went along with the divorce because he didn't have much choice. I'm not suggesting he's still in love with his ex, because I don't think he is. I do think he put his heart and soul into the relationship, he made a huge gesture with the proposal and planned most of the wedding. When the marriage crumbled, so did his 'fairy-tale' idea of marriage. You both seem to avoid the marriage subject for the fear of upsetting each other. In my humble opinion if a man genuinely wants to marry, he will, and nothing will stop him from doing so. Ultimately if he doesn't want to get remarried, would that be a deal-breaker for you? You both need a serious conversation regarding the future and where you see the relationship going. Stringing you along, if really deep down he doesn't want to remarry, is cruel and equally, if you want marriage, then staying with someone who doesn't, is wasting your time, and his really. You don't want to feel resentment if, in another 4 years, there's still no marriage proposal.

This sums it all up for me thank you. This is pretty much how it is. The heart and soul into the marriage part. I really don’t blame him if he is not up for marriage after that. I would respect it. It’s the stupid jokes that are pissing me off as they are unfair if he’s hiding that he doesn’t want to under them