DP overthinking engagement/marriage

[BowlieSplat]

My DP of 4 years has been married before and I have not.

He doesn’t talk about it much, I suppose to save my feelings, but from bits I gather he did a whole romantic proposal and he planned a lot of the wedding, it wasn’t his choice to get divorced so he takes marriage seriously.

I have been briefly engaged once before to the father of my children, and I shared with DP once that it was the least romantic situation ever, my ex had no intention of marriage. In fact the entire awfulness of it was a major bone of contention between us and a big reason of why we split up in the end and I had given the ring back to him shortly after it was shoved at me begrudgingly following his bad behaviour towards me.

There was one very awkward situation between DP and I last year, where a really lovely photo was taken of us at a wedding while we were dancing in a fun pose. I sent it to DP and I got a weird vibe back from his reaction to it. It turned out that he did that EXACT same pose at his wedding with his ex wife and he got it blown up into a huge print and displayed it in their house. Now our photo feels weird lol.

Marriage is important to me, I was open with DP when we met, he agrees that it has meaning for him too. We don’t speak about this topic very often at all - I don’t bring it up - but on the rare occasions when DP has had a drink or 2, he likes to bring it up and gets soppy and asks me if I will consider marring him one day. I always say yes. He then spirals into panicking he has accidentally proposed to me, and that it needs to be some big huge perfect proposal and that I would need a big special wedding.

I always tell him that no, it’s the sentiment of the gesture not the performance that’s important. And that I don’t care about a proposal, we could just agree it together and do something low key. I do not care about anything apart from if he means it, and also wants to do it.

It’s annoying me that it keeps coming up in this context and he’s only brave enough to talk about it after a glass of wine a couple times a year (he’s a lightweight) but still… no timeline of marriage and he’s convinced himself that he needs to do something huge and nerve wracking. Why doesn’t he just listen to what I am saying? 😫 or is this him having second thoughts about it?

I don’t know what to do at this point. I was happier with that conversation as it felt like progress but everyone’s replies have made me feel like I don’t even know this person or that he is a liar and I am just stupid and unaware. We had a busy evening but he was very happy and affectionate to me today and I asked if last nights chat was heavy, he said no he was very happy.

He needs to settle in his new job and we need to sort some house type things, I feel like right this moment is not the best time to start putting pressure on him and even the idea of putting any pressure on him to book something or make a very solid plan right after we just had this chat, just makes me cringe inside out. My pride or whatever it is just can’t do it. I will feel in a much better position once his new job and the house stuff is more settled in a couple of months and I plan to send him some links for destinations and gauge his response to them and go from there.

He was the one who pushed more for me to move in with him and no, I am not a housewife or do anything for him to make his life easier, we are more of a team, earn similar, even I would go as far as to say he probably does more for me, he cooks the most, buys the food the most, he does loads of nice things for me. This evening he bought me lunch for work tomorrow, made dinner and then wouldn’t let me clear up either. He does my laundry a fair bit, goes and cleans out my messy car and stuff. I think his actions show he does love me overall. I just hope he isn’t kidding us both?

Who owns the house?

You know your DP and we don't so don't let the replies upset you OP. I totally understand why your pride won't let you push the matter further. I agree you shouldn't send links etc or do anything at all that feels pushy or takes the responsibility off him to take things forward- I think the only part you need to add to the conversation is telling him what you wrote in your post but he's not yet aware of, ie that if you're not married in two years you'll be leaving. You don't need to do it in a 'heavy' way at all, just mention it (making it clear you're not joking even if you say it lightly) and leave it there and see what he does. He needs to know it's a dealbreaker and that he risks losing you, as at the moment he's not motivated for various psychological and practical reasons. Good luck OP!

Don’t doubt yourself OP - you made good progress. Give it a little while to settle and see where you are.

I think it's all good for now. You had good conversations and you both now know it's within 2 years. Just make sure you don't let it slip though so if by end of winter he hasn't proposed or had further convos about the wedding (in practical sense) then you need to bring it up again. You have other things to sort out first and you shouldn't pressure him just like surely you wouldn't want to be pressured.

I’d just book that trip to Greece and elope!

glad he’s nice to you and you have your bar set lower than him, that’s actually an excellent thing.

Press the wedding issue more sober. Get him to talk. I wouldn’t think he’s hung b up on an ex or anything, but he might have reservations about you or your relationship. Usually we are most blind when it comes to ourselves.

if it’s singing you want you should get it. You just need to be prepared to walk away.