Help - how do I ask for maintenance

[qponqueen]

How do I ask my Ex Husband to contribute financially to our youngest daughters upbringing?

Background
Divorced for just over a year ( separated 4, living apart for 2), he is now remarried, I have a partner, he stipulated when we discussed a financial settlement to 'not to come after him for maintenance'. I have been the main earner for the majority of the marriage and paid for all living expenses and he kept his salary. He is employed.

I have anxiety just thinking about asking and want to ask in the right way ( for me).

If I can afford not to need it, should I be asking?

Just to add for context that we have 3 children who all live with me, 2 are over 18, he see's them infrequently.

thank you
please be gentle

he stipulated when we discussed a financial settlement to 'not to come after him for maintenance did you arrange a financial settlement legally?

How old is your youngest? Assuming you're in the U.K., going through the child maintenance service is the easiest way and if he gets iffy/abusive you can get ask for collect and pay so you don't have to have any direct communication on the subject.

I would say do you want to discuss maintenance with a mediator or shall I just contact cms to let them sort it

You don’t ask- you TELL him. It is HIS responsibility to contribute to the cost of raising his children. Regardless of who is the main earner- he should be paying. If not, your children are missing out on the benefits of the financial support. If you don’t “need” it, put it into an account for your children to access when they are older. DO NOT LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU 💐

If you have a clean break order, just ask and when he says no go through CMS.

He should be paying for his children, and if the eldest 2 are in education he should still be paying towards them.

You don't ask him or contact him at all if you are afraid of him, just go through the CMS.

Just do it, don't discuss it with him.

Yea, you don't need to ask him. You can go through cms. Why now though? You've left it late, 4 years on and remarried since. It's a lot weird that your solicitor did not sort it out during the divorce. I do hope you got half of the savings he amassed from never spending anything he earnt towards the family, as half that should of been yours legally and its clear that he couldn't of saved it without you - unless you did a deal on that and kept the house.
There's a principle, he should pay for his youngest till 18 or longer if in education.

Go through CMS. He doesn't get to say he won't pay for his own dc, the disgusting specimen.

We didn’t own the house so there was no splitting. We did the financial settlement and I had to pay him £10k, he did the school runs etc. we did the divorce online, it all happened around the time my dad passed away and I wasn’t in the frame of mind for fighting.

in answer to the question why now- suppose I feel like he is taking the p, he’s about to go on his 5th or 6th holiday this year and I know this makes me sound jealous but I think when he doesn’t even bother to see the kids that often it grinds my gears.

both older kids working (part time) not in education.

Go through CM. He has to financially contribute to his children. Also, just because they are over 18 doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay CM.

Youngest is 12

thank you for the replies. How do I word/phrase it? I don’t want to go through CMS before going to him first.

I find it hard to believe I hold down a full time job and yet I am struggling to get write a message 🤦🏼‍♀️

Why on earth did you give him £10K? Was that court ordered?

You can claim for the youngest, just tell him. He’s an equal parent and therefore needs to pay . Go with cms don’t rely on him to be honest and accurate though.

What part of her being rhe main earner confused you>

Op how much does cms say he should pay based on his earnings?

Because otherwise I would have had to hand over half my pension, that was the only thing I had of any value.

I believe based on what he put on the financial settlement between £150-£200 a month.

Just go through CMS give them all the information you know and they will do the rest.

What's the actual worst that can happen? Your children are old enough you don't need to have any direct contact with him. Even if you don't need his money, it's not actually for you it's for your DC to improve their quality of life so you can put it in savings if you or they have no immediate use for it.

If you know his approximate salary, you can check on here.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

The fact he said not to go after him for maintenance suggests any conversation will be fruitless and frustrating for you.

I'd just go straight to the CMS tbh.

I wouldntneven warn him.because he has less chance to start hiding things or changing his work hours then.

Agree to go to CMS.

Has all this been completed via a clean break consent order OP?

I think it's better to go through CM. It gives you a degree of separation.

Yes it has.

just to add, we had agreed initially with me not going after him for maintenance that he would pay for stuff as needed, I’m so used to paying for everything it didn’t even occur to me to ask. But when she does need stuff this just results in me feeling like I have to justify any request and so I don’t tend to bother. I did ask for £120 for uniform recently and eventually got it.

This was in the clean break order that we would sort it out between us as they couldn’t put that he didn’t have to pay anything. I hope that makes sense