The online bit of OLD

[AnyDayButTuesday]

I'm obviously crap at OLD.
I can write a decent profile (I've read all the tips and had it approved by a couple of friends.)
I've used some decent photos. (See above.)
I'm told I'm a "great catch" by friends (M & F).
I can get matched by the algorithms.
I can get into online conversations.
[FFWD]
I can sit in a cafe with a stranger and loose 3 or 4 hours in conversation.
What I can't do is convert online chat into dates.
I'm not going to say the matches I'm chatting to are crap and it's their fault.
That's too easy, lazy and i dont blame others for what i cant do.. I'm the common denominator. Thats just reality. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not beating myself up for it and I still (mostly) like myself. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, or rather what to do differently. So ...

What makes a good OLD online chat that results in an actual date?

It's been a long time, but I think meeting up quickly might help. Don't get into a situation where they just see you as a bit of online entertainment and feel no need to evolve that.

Being 10 years (or pref more) younger than the follically challenged man in front of you who has a BMI of 30+
Looking like Margot Robbie.
Ready to jump straight. into bed with him after he's said hello and bought you a drink.

OL daters are generally just that - want to keep things online. So for every OL dater probably only 1 just wants to actually meet. It is not you, it could be them.

Men love to talk and get attention - often that is all they are looking for in OLD. If you meet someone in a cafe, they are already open to a face to face meeting.

It is too easy to get caught in the trap of messaging. So have a boundary in your head - no sign of a meet up after a week of messaging, ditch. You have a virtual pen pal here not a potential date.

Mentioning it because it worked for me - Meeting dp we chatted a little online and then had a video call. That moved things along. It's a low commitment but fun step forward.

@Lookingforunicorns Whilst any or all of that might be true, it doesn't answer my question. I'm looking to control the things I can control.

@CaptainBolt @magicmushrooms Perhaps I should mention a 7 day deadline on my profile? #jokingnotjoking

I’d go with the meeting up sooner thing as well. Otherwise you text/message a lot and it can become stale. 99% of the time I also have a phone call or leave a voice note on WhatsApp before we meet up.

The whole OLD thing is a nightmare tbh but try and find the humour in it … that helps also 🤣

This sounds daft, but do you just ask?!
I usually spend a couple of days sounding them out, then suggest a meet up. If we can't find a date, or they don't sound keen, I just move on. I find it's too easy to think I like someone over text and then be disappointed when we meet up if we talk online for too long.

Based on your post, a few questions. Who approved your profile? Male or female friends? Are any of these guys (if so) friend zoned and could be dates?

I think there are three ways of looking at this...

1. How you are in conversation
2. Who you are filtering out
3. What the men are actually looking for (and what you are).

Many men (and women) will say hi, have a chat, stroke their ego, but either lose interest (because you don't tick the boxes), or move on to something better... that's the danger of OLD. When you have a million people at your disposal, if you tick 95 boxes and the new person that just said hi ticks 96, you get dropped without a second thought.

So, the above points.

Are you 'really' that good in conversation? The air of many women (speaking from experience) is 'this man needs to impress me, make me laugh, show that he is a good person'. Men usually have to chat up women and show their worth, so believe it or not, it's actually quite rare for women to know how to chat and 'banter' like men do. I've seen a lot of YouTube videos where they put this to the test and ask women to hit on men, or even hit on women with lines they think will work, and they all crumble because they've never had to do it before. So that's my first question, is the back and forth actually balanced? Are you as interesting as you think? I dated a girl who spent the entire date talking about Chinese history. I didn’t return. I admired the passion, sure, but it didn't bode well.

Who are you filtering? As I said, say 100,000 guys locally... over 6 foot and you're at 10,000, attractive and you're at 1,000, interesting profile and you might be down to 100, fitting criteria (religion, distance, wanting kids, etc), and you might be down to 10... chances are, you've got a lot of competition for these 10 guys. Maybe you're being too strict in filtering? Plus, these guys will probably know they're a catch and will be players/dicks anyway!

Are you what they want? A large number of men would be happy with a housewife (for example), but zero women would be happy supporting a husband (or trust they'd actually do the housework and childcare!), so women 'tend' to be more interested in financially successful men, whereas men don't care at all. Boss babes are all well and good for feminism, but many men don't like the assertiveness, argumentative, controlling side this brings. Also, many men tend to be intimidated by women earning more than them. I don't agree with all those above points, but it's actually statistically true.

Do you have kids? Demand they pay on dates? Manager or higher? On Instagram posting regularly? Over 35?... these are often the 'male' filters.

The biggest 'mistake' of women on dates from my point of view is simply 'interest'. Single word answers, looking at your phone, not offering to pay, not asking questions, eye contact... As I said above, so many women 'appear' to believe men should be impressing them... and it shows on the majority of dates. It's not attractive.

Not all chats will result in arranging a date but I've never had a problem being asked regularly on a date, I'd say possibly one in 10 chats maybe more, so many chats are discounted because we aren't looking for the same thing or they can't hold a basic conversation or they are too crude.

It can help to be positive and friendly, no harm in some compliments but nothing too heavy, carrying on the conversation and responding within a reasonable time frame, not a short sentence once every 24hrs, that's never going anywhere.
Asking questions about themselves as well as telling them something about yourself.
Emojis or a kiss can help break the ice rather than more formal reply.

Some people prefer the let's just meet approach but I think most including myself would want to know a bit more about someone first. Rather than a stone cold stranger.

@c1n1c Most of what you're talking about reads (to me) as if it mostly applies to either getting matched or face to face dates, rather than converting online chats to IRL dates. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Perhaps over 35 is the issue - I had my first date before 35yr olds were even conceived. 🤣 Maybe I should just expect to spend the next 3 decades alone. 😭 Am I filtering out too many matches? Maybe, at.my age, I should just chat to anyone and everyone.

@seensome Maybe I'm overestimating how well I'm doing on the matching front if you're talking about 1 out of 10 chats. I don't think I've made it to 20 (I gave up after 6 months). Reading back my online conversations, they seem pretty balanced in terms of topics, Q&A, verbosity, not too flirty (or frigid). Sometimes I can't answer for a few hours, sometimes I can swap messages all evening... though those do seem to slowly grind to a halt eventually. Whatever I'm saying, I'm not saying the right thing as I've only had one physical date and one video chat sp far.

@AnyDayButTuesday

The way you talk and analyse your situation actually sounds like how I would do it. I'm guessing STEM?

I think it's OK to have standards, but many people these days have wildly inflated standards. Men are being taught that any 'body count' should be shunned, and that the homely, housewife is the thing to strive for... while women are being empowered to believe they're all 10s and deserve the best without actually providing anything your average man wants, and being pretty average on the looks-scale (for example). It's the "he gets me, I'm worth it" attitude... when if a man said that, he'd be laughed out of town.

If not getting too personal... what do you advertise as your desirable qualities to men? I'm just relating this to the recent posts on MN of 'shallow dating pools' where every man looks like a potato and is either in a bareith ten mates, is holding a fish, or is into extreme sports and wild activities. Clearly, these are men saying/showing what they think is impressive, but no woman actually wants these. I remember when I was on OLD and the majority of women's profiles simply consisted of "I like staying in and I like going out", or really sparse profiles like "message me and find out"...

I recently started online dating again after finding myself without a partner. I have had success with OLD years ago before the internet wasn't so crazy.
From my experience, it takes patience. I don't agree with meeting anyone quickly because you have no idea if this person is mentally stable. Rushing anything in this world is never a good idea.

I assume you are using a site or app that has a great conversation rate. A lot of the sites and apps that advertise heavily seem to have members who are comfortable chatting for months which is a bit much. I can understand chatting for a couple of weeks or so until you are sure the prospect is worth your time.

Flirthouse has a page called Dating Tips and.on that page you are given advice on how best to secure an in person date. It's better to take advice from agencies that have real data than to listen to friends who probably never even used a dating site. I think Flirthouse would be a good place for you to start.

I am always willing to give any further pointers if you want. Just message me if you wish.

Google how to flirt. It really isnt that difficult. OLD for women should be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Can't you just ask them to meet up? I don't really understand your problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Flirthouse seems to have a pretty shonky reputation. Think I'll give that a miss.

How do I delete my YouTube history? #jokingnotjoking

Tried that. The conversation went dead.
Tried not doing that. The conversation went dead.
Need to try something else.

You must have the wrong Flirthouse

I have it on my profile that I won't message endlessly and I stick to that. It's getting harder to get dates as I move into my mid-50's - so so so many men just want to message with no intentions of meeting - but ones that do want to meet are out there. Be clear on your profile about it. I'm also not shy in asking them for a coffee if I think they seem decent.

The problem is not you. OLD is truly awful these days. It is getting rarer and harder to meet anyone genuine unless of course you are happy to date 20years older than yourself. This seems standard these days. Men only want to date women substantially younger than themselves.

Last guy I met doing OLD, we met within a week and kept chat to a minimum. Although (according to my male best friend) I took his keeping chat to the bare minimum too literally and didn't message very much that week 🤦‍♀️😆.

We had loads to talk about on that first date, and he stuck around for a while so we obviously had something in common and hit it off. It didn't go anywhere but it was nice meeting up with him for coffee and chat every other week.

But he wasn't the usual OLD guy, we were both on our last role of the dice before coming off and both said it wasn't our thing. That was 3 years ago.

My last attempt earlier this year was shit and I won't be going back. People just don't want to meet or message with absolute no effort.

Not sure how I'll meet someone but it definitely won't be online dating.

Just to clarify, I don't think I'm the problem. I just think I'm using O.L.D. the wrong way.

Just arrange a coffee date first up and if they drag their feet move on. I wasted too much time on delightful online conversations only to find often there was zero chemistry face to face and I didn’t have the energy for a bunch of pen friends. Having said that I was up for organizing a coffee date with any guy that had a job and looked remotely sane! I met some lovely blokes and enjoyed myself 🤣

@BeenThere101 I don't buy into the All Men Are Crap peopoganda, even when it's the bad apples that hit the press.

@Happyinarcon I'm starting to think this is the answer:
Msg1: Hello
Msg2: Want to meet for coffee?
Job done.