Relatives do not know I have had a baby

[ThatBusyDuck]

I got pregnant before marriage and this has been rather embarrassing for my parents. My partner and I did a civil marriage before baby arrived just to please our immediate families. This is not something me or my partner wanted and I feel angered we had to get married for the sake of pleasing family.

We have a beautiful baby girl who is 4 months old now. My parents love her and come and see her all the time. However, they have not told any relatives that I have had a baby (again due to embarrassment that I was pregnant before marriage). I feel saddened by this and my parents have said they will tell relatives "soon". I told my parents that she is here now and I don't appreciate that she is being kept a secret.

My sister has recently had a baby too (2 months older than my daughter) and my parents send photos of her and video call relatives all the time. I feel jealous about this, that this is not happening with my baby.

For background information, we are South Asain. We have a very large family with lots of relatives who do not reside here, but in another country. I cannot just tell relatives myself as this will cause major arguments with my parents and I don't want that. It's a big cultural thing for my parents about getting married before having children. I understand where they are coming from, but baby is here now though. She is perfect and I don't want her a secret.

Any advice?

It's a big cultural thing for my parents about getting married before having children.
Doesn't sound like it's a cultural thing for you though, so why live by your parents rules? Especially when it's causing you upset. Either put yourself and your own family first and be happy or follow your parents and begrudge it.

I cannot just tell relatives myself as this will cause major arguments with my parents and I don't want that.

Well, you absolutely can tell your relatives and it takes two to argue. Tell your family and your parents will have to get over it. You're not a child and you've already allowed them to control your life enough as it is. Stop living a lie.

If you’re old enough to have a baby then you need to start living your own life not behaving like your parents are in control. Your parents need to accept you’re an adult now and can make your own decisions.

If you want to tell your family about your baby just do it, it’s your choice not your parents to make.

Stop living your life for other people or by other people’s rules. You only get on life. If you want to tell people about your baby, do it. If they don’t like it that’s a shame but tough.

This is only happening because you're allowing it to.

You did get married before you gave birth. Not ideal but 'good enough' for most people. It isn't for your parents. Are they waiting for enough time to pass that distant relatives won't do the maths or do they want a religious wedding? Or both?

Your child want age backwards and the longer a religious wedding takes the worse I assume this gets for your parents.

You've decided to live in a different way to your parents. Possibly that might include telling relatives.

Are your relatives on Facebook ?
if so, just plaster it all over there and everyone will know soon enough.

Your parents are entitled to their beliefs but you can do what you like. You’re an adult.

It's annoying your parents aren't showing off your DC the same as their other grandchildren. Try to remember they're from a different generation/culture and give them a little bit of grace.
I would start sending relatives pictures of your DC showing how proud you are and I am sure your parents will follow suit.

You're baby is here now you can't ignore their existence forever so tell people.

I can't believe you've waited 4 months! The longer this goes on the harder it will be

Just do it asap
Send a picture or post on social media

It's not up to your parents
You are a parent now - stand up for your daughter proudly

Honestly, op, this is all just so ridiculous. You're a grown woman and a mother now, behave accordingly. Mummy and Daddy can't run your life anymore.

You can't please everyone in this scenario. You have to decide what is more important to you, pleasing your parents or living your life how you choose to live it.

Yeah people will gossip a bit but so what? They'll get over it soon.
The important thing is that you and your family aren't ashamed. If you keep it a secret and someone finds out, then surely that shows your family is embarrassed. That then influences how the news is received.
If you all share the news with pride and family unity, then the news will be received without the suggestion of shame.
It's not like it's uncommon these days.

'I got pregnant before marriage and this has been rather embarrassing for my parents.'

Let them be embarrassed! Warn them that you're going to share the news of your gorgeous baby with your relatives. Then do it! Surely the younger generations at least will be happy for you?

It's funny how people can behave in ridiculous ways and call it "culture ". You obviously don't live by this culture, so introduce your baby yourself and stop being silenced by this "culture ".

You do owe it to your daughter to be proud of her. I'm sure it's hard, but think of her growing up picking up a sense that family members are ashamed of her and get angry on her behalf so that doesn't happen.

If you're not happy with the constraints your family impose then do something about it. As your daughter grows up she will start to model her behaviour on yours. What kind of example do you want to set her?

What on Earth are they planning on doing? Sharing news and newborn photos 9 months after your wedding and just pretending she's younger than she is?

In the kindest way, grow up and take control. Tell your family and don't let your parents push you around

You have a choice OP. Either upset your parents (that's their issue to solve, not yours) or forever feel trapped and depressed that you're not living your life on your terms.

I know which I'd choose.

You can tell your relatives you’ve had a baby, cultural reasons are a cop out. Any culture that dictates you should not celebrate life is not a culture that’s worth being part of.

Stick it on Facebook, join if you don’t already have an account and spend a few days building a network.

This is a bit like my elderly gm still displaying my wedding photos in her house and not telling any of that side of the extended family that I am actually divorced now.
If and when I ever see any of them I'll be sure to let them know though .

OP this must be so hard for you. I don't think you're getting the advice you need here. Maybe ask MNHQ to move this to South Asian MNers board, or start a thread there?

Do you have any deeper concerns though, that might mean you'd benefit from contacting someone like Karma Nirvana for help and advice?

What are your parents hoping for? That the relatives will accept a six month old is a new born? So they can say the baby was born at least 9 months after the wedding, that's not going to work, or will they start sending new born pictures and gradually older pictures until they assume that when your DD is say 2.5 no one will notice the discrepancy in age? Ask what their plan is for introducing your child to the rest of the family and it better be good!

You really shouldn't have gone along with this from the beginning, now you and your parents are in a bit of a hole, so stop digging!

Personally I'd ask them how long they were going to pretend their grandchild didn't exist for.

I mean pretending to family she's not here is bloody ridiculous - when your Auntie eventually sees a photo of you with a 2yo or someone mentions to someone else they've seen you in Lidl pushing a pram it's going to draw even more attention to the situation.

A secret baby has totally made it a gossip worthy thing, with everyone calculating the dates & speculating anyway.

Anyway, I hope your marriage is because you love each other OP & not made just because of the baby 💐