Relatives do not know I have had a baby

[ThatBusyDuck]

I got pregnant before marriage and this has been rather embarrassing for my parents. My partner and I did a civil marriage before baby arrived just to please our immediate families. This is not something me or my partner wanted and I feel angered we had to get married for the sake of pleasing family.

We have a beautiful baby girl who is 4 months old now. My parents love her and come and see her all the time. However, they have not told any relatives that I have had a baby (again due to embarrassment that I was pregnant before marriage). I feel saddened by this and my parents have said they will tell relatives "soon". I told my parents that she is here now and I don't appreciate that she is being kept a secret.

My sister has recently had a baby too (2 months older than my daughter) and my parents send photos of her and video call relatives all the time. I feel jealous about this, that this is not happening with my baby.

For background information, we are South Asain. We have a very large family with lots of relatives who do not reside here, but in another country. I cannot just tell relatives myself as this will cause major arguments with my parents and I don't want that. It's a big cultural thing for my parents about getting married before having children. I understand where they are coming from, but baby is here now though. She is perfect and I don't want her a secret.

Any advice?

Is the problem now that they want you to have a much bigger family wedding before relatives/community will see you as properly married? If so are you willing to go along with that?

In the meantime can your wonderful news be shared that you have had a legal wedding, have had a baby and there will be a big celebration to follow soon?

I expect someone will reply to me saying you shouldn’t have to have a second wedding but the fact you’ve come for advice suggests to me that you don’t want to simply ignore your culture and your parents’ wishes. Bedsides which ultimately you want your child to be accepted by family on a par with her cousins - and to achieve that it sounds like you may need to play along a bit.

Just stick it on Facebook and be done with it, you'll be surprised how many south Asians are used to this situation by now. I bet you most won't bat an eyelid, there might be the odd 😮but most will get over it. The shame is mostly in your parents head, life has moved on in lots of South Asian communities & people are more pragmatic in outlook.

The main thing for them is that you're married which by mn standards is a good thing for legal protection.
legal protection from marriage

Classic British racism

Regardless, of in the wider family, don’t you think it’s time to tackle your parents’ attitude transparently.

Have you asked them how it makes you feel about them to presume you should be ashamed of your child. Who the hell do they think they are? They are actually having it really easy, throwing their feelings on you. But if you explicitly reject their shame, and tell them regardless of how things pan out in the future you’ll always know they threw their own child and grandchild under the bus to spare Aunty’s feelings and that’s who they are.
I would not be giving them an easy time over this.

I will also say, I have seen this happen more than once in white British families, and it’s worse when the secret baby is revealed years later. Everyone thinks “what a shower of idiots”

Your parents are being ridiculous and I wouldn't stand for it. Just tell your relatives. Your parents will survive.

My Dad tried this with my sister when she was pregnant in the run up to her wedding. He thought he could keep this shameful (not) scandal from his sister and her family. What he didn't count on was that her new husband's family would chat enthusiastically about it at the reception.

South Asian culture is somewhat different so for many people (not sure about the OP) that would not be an option.

Time for boundaries.

Your parents have dictated far too much.
Tell them you will not see them until this matter is resolved and that at X date you will be putting up pictures of your daughter.

Your parents coerced you into marriage.
Coercion is a crime, you do realise that?.

You need strong boundaries with your parents they have completely overstepped by forcing you to marry.

You can announce your baby to anyone, remember that.

This dynamic needs breaking for your childs sake.

Can your sister help with any of this? Is she on your side? Do you spend time together with your babies? Would she speak to them and explain that their behaviour will make things worse in the long run?

The longer they leave it the harder it will be (from their position) to suddenly announce a surprise baby
A child cannot grow up feeling that they are a bad secret.
Her baby is cousin, they will be seen to be together etc.
No one need know what date a quite civil wedding might have taken place.

Now that they have a beloved grandchild (your baby) they will not want to
lose contact with you or your baby, so you do have some leverage now!

My Dad was from a different culture. I think people have ZERO idea just how much this influences even British born people who have some sort of different cultural heritage. I never ever told my Father I dated, it would just not have been tolerated at all. In his mind I was still a virgin on my wedding night at 31. This is where there is a massive disconnect between white British liberal society and many other cultures. Quite frankly as much as people lap up other cultures food and the nice traditions there are many aspects of other cultures that are terrible and in all the awfulness almost all of it is used to oppress women.

You have my sympathy op.

Tell your parents you know there’s going to be a bit of shock and scandal but that you want to get all that over with NOW while your child is too young to remember it. Hopefully that will mean by the time any visits happen your relatives will be aware and will have accepted to status quo.
Would it help to organize a religious/cultural wedding? Is there a way of acceptably doing that in a small way with only a few guests (like immediate family from both sides or all family that are in the UK) or not really?

I agree. And it's not a racist remark. It is a basic philosophical belief. All life is cause for celebration. If a 'culture' says otherwise well you have to ask yourself why. It's nearly always about control.

This. Stand on your own two feet, own your life and your decisions op.

How ridiculous a situation - what difference does the delay make? Are they going to ask you to pretend she's a newborn when they finally agree to reveal her existence?

Surely your culture isn't supposed to make you unhappy?

My partner and I did a civil marriage before baby arrived just to please our immediate families. This is not something me or my partner wanted and I feel angered we had to get married for the sake of pleasing family.

You did something as significant as getting married just to please your parents? Clearly you do not share your family's cultural values so unless you make a stand now there will be many more incidents where you are pleasing them to your own detriment.

Tell whoever you like about your daughter and let them all be scandalised for a while, they'll get over it and you will have taken a step away from feeling obliged to live your life the way your parents dictate.

What do you feel your options are here? What do you want to do about it

Thanks for the replies. I know I can just tell relatives. However, my parents are choosing not to tell. I find that incredibly hurtful. That my baby is being hidden and they are not sharing their second grandchild.

We were engaged before finding out I was pregnant and planning to get married. Just happened sooner than expected