Sex

[LikeALampWithoutAShade]

My sex life with my partner is really struggling.

I've been concerned for some time that he doesn't find me sexually attractive.

This has really knocked my confidence and, despite my best efforts to challenge these thoughts, I'm now completely convinced he can only have sex with me if he's been aroused by seeing someone he finds sexually attractive and fantasising about them or has been watching something sexually arousing.

We have sex once a fortnight on averge but I just feel dirty and used afterwards.

Over the past week or so, he has shown more interest in me sexually (although we haven't actually done anything sexual at all) and I can feel myself shut down.

I have a vague recollection of a recent exchange where he him suggested a full body massage. I asked who would be massaging who and he said it didn't matter as long as we were both naked. The conversation didn't go any further because I didn't respond but it's like I had completely blocked it out because I read something earlier that reminded me of it but now I can't even tell if it was a real conversation or a dream I had!

Im not really asking anything. I just need somewhere to work through how i feel about it all and what I can do about it.

I'm just really stuck and things are just getting worse.

Why do you find yourself thinking you are not sexually attractive. Have you initiated and been rejected? Also why do you feel dirty and used after sex … does he only satisfy himself? Feels like there’s a backstory here ..,

It sounds like your relationship is on its last legs. Don't have sex with anyone who makes you feel dirty and used.

It's sad because it's thriving otherwise but I don't know how to address this. Or whether it's just too late.

The uncertainty I feel around it is starting too seep into other areas of the relationship now too.

No. But that doesn't bother me.
I also never really understand that argument. Just because someone isn't a perfect specimen themselves doesn't mean they don't have their own tastes and preferences.

Has he given you any indication he doesn't find you sexually attractive? Or have you created this scenario and taken it to catastrophic proportions in your head? Because the part about challenging your own thoughts but someone ending up convincing yourself otherwise seems like it's perhaps more mental than anything that's been done?

I can see what I look like. I'm not physically attractive and I don't have the confidence that makes up for that.

Yes, I have initiated and been rejected. But it's more than that because that's fine. I feel like he's making fool of me or mocking me by pretending he finds me attractive so I'll have sex with him when he's feeling horny.

That's why I feel dirty and used.

No, he doesn't sort himself out and ignore me. It feels like someone told him that the woman should come first and that's something he gets out of the way. I don't actually like that.

I know some of what he finds attractive because he mentioned it in passing in the first few months of the relationship. I told him I didn't like it and he stopped but it keeps playing on my mind and the longer we've been together, the worse it gets. And I'm aware that there's so much more that I don't know about so I don't know what he actually finds attractive. But none of the things he ever described applied to me.

I don't think he was trying to make me feel bad. It was never done in that way and he never asked why I didn't look like that or make any negative comments about me. I just don't think he realised.

But I keep seeing women who are his type where I'm not or who are wearing clothes he likes that I don't and I know I can't compete with them and he will find them attractive in ways he will never be attracted to me.

Last night we went out to a bar to see a band. We sat at a table and behind us was a table with 3 or 4 of the sort of women he finds attractive. I saw him looking a few times but he had his back to them. Then he stood up and moved seats on the table so that he was sitting opposite me but also more facing them. So we couldn't even talk because we weren't close enough to hear each other.

After about half an hour, I felt so uncomfortable that I told him I had a headache and was going home. He stayed. I don't mind that he stayed because he wanted to see the band and I just wanted to be on my own.

End this. You have no vows, no kids. Move on. Find yourself attractive before anyone else finds you attractive. Also : Every woman is attractive.

He tells me that he loves me and I'm the best thing to have ever happened to him.

But if that is true, why do I feel so shit about myself in the relationship?

You need to end this, and work out how you can improve how you feel about yourself - whether you want to change anything or not, you have to love and accept yourself as you are before you can have a healthy relationship

… or if you don’t want to end it, you do need to go into therapy

It doesn't sound like he's actually said or done anything to indicate he doesn't find you attractive. He tells you he does, he wants to have sex with you, this is all rooted in your own lack of self esteem and your own view of your physical appearance. You say he moved chairs to see them, that's so unlikely, it's quite usual to sit opposite the person you're with so you can see them/interact with them.

I agree with @MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira - it’s not at all obvious to me that he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. You’ve decided you’re not attractive and that seems to be leaking into how you view things. There may be a huge justification to how you feel - he may be getting loads wrong - but reading this, it’s not obvious what he’s doing wrong. The massage suggestion seems harmless to me.

The stage was further back behind me so for me to see the band, I had to have my back to him and to face him and lean across the table to be able to speak to him. When he'd been sat next to me, I'd still have been turned away from him to see the band but he would have been close enough to speak to.

I can't really describe it well.

Everytime I looked at him he was watching the band or looking over at their table.

If I'd said anything to him he would just have denied it so I didn't and just went home instead.

I think your insecurity around your looks are the issue here.
To say you are not his type makes no sense, why would he be with someone who he didn't see attractive qualities in.
For example, my husband has told me before that he fancies the actress Olivia Wilde, I look nothing like her, just like my husband looks nothing like younger Bruce Willis.
Stop comparing yourself to other women, do what you need to do to become the best version of yourself. Tell your husband how you feel and agree to get some counselling.

Is he affectionate outside the times he is after sex? Things like holding hands in public, little kisses throughout the day, compliments etc

Secondly the checking other women when you're out.....it's hard to say if it's in your head or not but for you to feel like this he can't be focusing enough attention on you or reassuring you when your out

Thirdly do you want to change? Not for him but for yourself. Can you make a plan to workout, get a new haircut/style, a new outfit etc to see if that might help.

The massage suggestion is so out of character that I can't remember if it really happened or if I dreamt it. I know that sounds really silly but it's true.

Anyway, there is absolutely no way it's going to happen so it doesn't really matter.

Unless there is a lot you aren’t telling us, this really sounds like a you problem. Nothing you’ve written indicates he doesn’t find you attractive?

It sounds like you have awfully low self confidence and you’re projecting that onto him. Like the band thing - it’s possible because you feel so low about yourself and you’re obsessing over ‘women who are more his type’, that you’re noticing things that aren’t even happening. Was he really constantly glancing over at them, or were you just obsessively looking and seeing what you wanted to see?

He is with you because he loves you and finds you attractive. If he wanted to be with other women, he would leave you.

I think you need to dig deep OP and seek some therapy to boost your confidence and figure out why you feel so negatively about yourself. It isn’t healthy!

This seems to be entirely in your head@LikeALampWithoutAShade. Men don't tend to want to have sex with people we don't find attractive. If he's initiating, if he's suggesting massages as an excuse to get you naked, then he fancies you and finds you attractive.

And please don't put too much store in types. I have a weakness for leggy redheads. DP is neither leggy or a redhead, it didn't stop me noticing her from across a crowded room. She wouldn't be more attractive if she had red hair, because then she wouldn't be her. I fancied her because my brain went "she is gorgeous", and it wasn't about the hair or the legs or any other individual attribute. It was because of the whole of her. And then I got to know her and her personality made her seem even more beautiful.

And now we're 20 years on and yes, things are a little more wrinkly, or a little bigger, and childbirth and time have had their effects. And she's not less sexy. I still take every opportunity I can to get a peek of her with her clothes off, and when I'm horny I'm thinking about sex with her, because she knows exactly what I like and I know exactly what she likes, and whether is sleepy morning sex or very drunk messy sex, or having to be very quiet because DD won't bloody go out sex, it's always going to be good sex.

You're ruining your own relationship with your insecurities. Don't blame your partner, because you're ascribing thoughts and motivations to him that you have no way of knowing are true. Understand that this is all coming from you. And then take the steps you need to fix it, whether that be therapy, attacking the root causes of your issues at the gym etc., or just simply trying to accept that other people see you in different ways to how you see yourself.

He does see attractive qualities in me. He thinks I'm funny and kind and he likes that I challenge myself and get passionate about things but he doesn't feel sexually attracted towards me. He doesn't look at me and fancy me or think about me and want to have sex with me. He doesn't even seem all that interested when we do.

He told me once when he was drunk that he'd never seen me "that way" but loved who I was.

I asked him about it once afterwards. He just denied having said it. I don't know if he did and didn't want to deal with it or whether he genuinely didn't remember saying it.

He's made a couple of 'thoughtless' comments of that nature not really bad just a bit why would you say that? But he can't ever "remember" having said them so they're never explained or resolved.

I think when he pretends he is attracted to me in "that way", he's trying to make me feel better about myself and boost my confidence or it ls because he's feeling horny. But it just makes me feel like shit.

He never pressures me to have sex if I don't want to.

He does see attractive qualities in me. He thinks I'm funny and kind and he likes that I challenge myself and get passionate about things but he doesn't feel sexually attracted towards me. He doesn't look at me and fancy me or think about me and want to have sex with me. He doesn't even seem all that interested when we do.

He told me once when he was drunk that he'd never seen me "that way" but loved who I was.

I asked him about it once afterwards. He just denied having said it. I don't know if he did and didn't want to deal with it or whether he genuinely didn't remember saying it.

He's made a couple of 'thoughtless' comments of that nature not really bad just a bit why would you say that? But he can't ever "remember" having said them so they're never explained or resolved.

I think when he pretends he is attracted to me in "that way", he's trying to make me feel better about myself and boost my confidence or it ls because he's feeling horny. But it just makes me feel like shit.

He never pressures me to have sex if I don't want to.

@LikeALampWithoutAShade

Being completely honest here, I don't think my husband looks at me and goes phworrr! I don't look at him and feel that either though.
I find him attractive because he makes me laugh, he's kind and would do anything to make me happy.
I've never asked but I bet if he were honest my husband would say the same about me. Looks would probably be towards the end of the list.
There obviously has to be an attraction of sorts but it's not the be all and end all.
I reckon a lot of people feel like I do.

LilacRaven

He is affectionate and does hold my hand in public etc. But he's very tactile generally. I think he'd hold hands with his kids still if they let him!

I've stopped making an effort. He compliment me a lot at the start and now he rarely says anything, and so now i just feel stupid. But I know he is the sort of person who compliments so the unspoken words sort of hang in the silence. When he does compliment me, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and I'd rather he didn't.

I used to wear my hair in a particular way quite a lot. We went out one night last year and I asked if he thought I should do it like that. He is the sort of man who would have said "yes, I love it when you do that. It looks amazing" but he just said it was up to me. I didn't and I haven't since because I think he was really just embarrassed to be seen with me like that. I feel I have no right to make an effort and should just make myself small and invisible.

Was he really constantly glancing over at them, or were you just obsessively looking and seeing what you wanted to see?

I don't know.

That's why I stayed but after half an hour I just felt so uncomfortable that I couldn't stay any longer. There was a small group of them (men and women) all enjoying themselves. I also didn't feel he could be enjoying himself with me so I left.

He's very sociable and the sort of person other people just approach and chat to. I thought, if I wasn't there, he might have got talking to them and had a better evening than he would with me.